Scooty

Asexual with Libido? Anyone else experience this?

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Scooty

Hi friends! 

 

I've had the suspicion that I'm ace for a while now. What resonated with me recently, is the fact that aces CAN have a libido. I myself have experienced crushes, but only once experienced sexual desire/attraction towards someone (who I had known since high school="strong emotional bond"). Hence why I believe I'm demisexual/graysexual. I want to see if anyone else has experienced this. I have been attempting to date for YEARS and have had zero success. 

 

As far as the dating goes, I would always seek out "cute" guys (aesthetically attractive) and would primarily focus on their personality. I know I have a libido, and I have dabbled with masturbation and pornography before. Both were pleasurable, but whenever it came to dating, the sexual desire wasn't really there. Whenever I attempt to date, there is always a primary focus on the person, and not the focus on sex or physical desire. Even if I did hold hands, kiss or touch them, it always felt like I was "people pleasing" in some way. I don't ever experience/focus on a sexual attraction. It's always emotionally focused. Once I get to the point where the other person is interested in a romantic/physical relationship, I break it off. 

 

When I talk with friends, and the conversation goes to sex and relationships, I ALWAYS get an intense feeling of loneliness and "I'm the outsider" feeling. I can now understand why. At first, I thought it was because of an inferiority complex, but after having attempted to date for so long...I think it's because I'm demisexual/graysexual. Could I have been subconsciously suppressing asexuality? I have a diagnosis of generalized anxiety and social anxiety, but could it be because I subconsciously know I'm ace?

 

I don't know. I know this is a long tangent. I'm hoping to see that there are other aces with libido.  I want to help clear the thought of "maybe I'm just heterosexual and have a low libido" and the thought "maybe it's just social anxiety".. I really think I'm ace, but would like some more input. 

 

Not sorry for the wall of text! :P 

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Philip027

It resonates with lots, probably even most (just on the basis that more people have a libido than those who don't).  Not me, though.

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TheAP

Yeah, some aces have a libido that's not directed at people in real life.

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Louise928

I have a libido, too, a quite normal one even, I'd say. It's seperate from sexual attraction. Sometimes I even have fantasies but never about people I know in real life. 

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vmdraco

Not too uncommon for aces to have at least some libido.  I think it's just part of being a human, in a way, to "take care of it" every once and a while.  Some don't feel it's necessary and that's fine, but that shouldn't disqualify you for being ace when you share the same aspects of the orientation.  I can definitely resonate with what you're saying.  I feel that as long as you don't want intercourse regardless of your feelings for someone, then you are ace :)

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Wolfie31

I'm not really sure what a libido is tbh, but I masterbate regularly (and enjoy it!). But I never really had a desire to do it, I just tried it one day cos I knew most people were doing it and I thought I'd give it a try. I've never really tried dating but in my head I do want to have sex, I've just never seen a specific person I want to do it with and that's all being ace really means. So you can certainly be ace and have still have interest in sexual activities.

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The Dryad

Yeah, I'm aro ace, and I have a libido, and I dabble in "visual stimulation" lol, when my period is near, otherwise it doesn't bother me. But I don't, and have never been sexually aroused by another person. 

 

I didn't exactly have a crush, because I didn't want to kiss this person, I guess it was a squish, but I really liked this person, it wasn't sexual either, but I just liked his face, and poking him, overall it was a lot of fun to mess with him. I was hyperaware of him, but it still wasn't anything too crazy or non-ace. The few times he touched me made my skin crawl- I can't stand to feel someone else's skin on mine.

 

I thought I was straight for so long because I 'liked' this person, and told all my friends I liked him, but actually liking someone means you have romantic feelings (which I didn't, I had no desire to kiss him), sensual feelings (also no desire to cuddle with him) and sexual feelings (haha, no). So yeah, it took me awhile to actually figure out what I was, and got stuck on sapiosexual for a few years, then discovered asexuality and it fit like a glove! I honestly didn't know there was a thing as "lack of sexual attraction", and if I know this during high school or even middle school, it would have saved me a lot of grief.

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Puck
22 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

I'm not really sure what a libido is tbh, but I masterbate regularly (and enjoy it!). But I never really had a desire to do it, I just tried it one day cos I knew most people were doing it and I thought I'd give it a try. I've never really tried dating but in my head I do want to have sex, I've just never seen a specific person I want to do it with and that's all being ace really means. So you can certainly be ace and have still have interest in sexual activities.

Libido, or sex drive, describes the amount of sex one wishes to participate in, partnered or not.

 

So for an asexual, it typically discribes how much/ often they want to masturbate.

 

For a sexual, it would cover both partnered sex and self pleasure.

 

If someone wanted to have sex/self pleasure every day, they would be called someone with a high sex drive. I’d they only wanted it once a month or so, they would have a low sex drive.

 

So yeah, as has been said, an asexual can have a high, low, or in between libido and still be ace. The only thing that would make them not ace would be if they wanted to satisfy that libido with a partner.

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Philip027
34 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

I've never really tried dating but in my head I do want to have sex, I've just never seen a specific person I want to do it with and that's all being ace really means.

People who want to fuck someone else aren't just "asexual" until they actually find the person they want to do it with.  That isn't how the term works.

 

People who know they want to have sex with *someone*... are perfectly normal sexual people.  That's a large part of what makes sexual people sexual, and it's precisely how most sexuals figure out they're straight/gay/whatever even before they've actually pursued/had sex with anyone.  They just know it's something they want, even if they haven't actually done it yet.

 

34 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

I'm not really sure what a libido is tbh, but I masterbate regularly (and enjoy it!). But I never really had a desire to do it,

Whaaa? 🤔

 

If you're compelled to do something "regularly" because you enjoy it, how is that not the same thing as having a desire to do it?

 

That compulsion to masturbate regularly because it's enjoyable, btw?  That's basically what a libido is.

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The Dryad
1 hour ago, Wolfie31 said:

I've never really tried dating but in my head I do want to have sex, I've just never seen a specific person I want to do it with and that's all being ace really means. So you can certainly be ace and have still have interest in sexual activities.

This whole statement sounds like it's problematic and uninformed, and probably why most people take asexuality as a joke.

 

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TheAP

Please keep this thread on topic and civil. While it is okay to discuss what constitutes sexual attraction and desire, please avoid judging specific members and their identities.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod.

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Scooty
2 hours ago, Louise928 said:

I have a libido, too, a quite normal one even, I'd say. It's seperate from sexual attraction. Sometimes I even have fantasies but never about people I know in real life. 

Yes! Exactly! I'll have fantasies, too. Never with someone in real life. 

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Wolfie31

Cupiosexuality is defined as not experiencing sexual attraction but wanting a sexual relationship, it is a perfectly valid identity and would come under the umbrella asexual as it involves not experiencing sexual attraction. I don't know if that's exactly what I am yet as I haven't had any real sexual experience with another person but I do know that in my head I think that I would like sex yet I have never experienced sexual attreaction towards another specific person. I'm sorry if this upsets your definition of asexual but it is the formal definition.

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Philip027

The fact that the "formal" definition of asexual allows for people who want sex with other people (which is incidentally what makes sexual people what they are) indicates problems with said definition, which is why this board has had no shortage of definition debates on the subject for several years now.

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Wolfie31
3 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

The fact that the "formal" definition of asexual allows for people who want sex with other people (which is incidentally what makes sexual people what they are) indicates problems with said definition, which is why this board has had no shortage of definition debates on the subject for several years now.

Well what else am I supposed to identify as then? Having never looked at someone the same gender or the opposite gender to me and actually wanted to have sex with them, what am I? 

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Lucinda
2 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

Well what else am I supposed to identify as then? Having never looked at someone the same gender or the opposite gender to me and actually wanted to have sex with them, what am I? 

Since you want to have sex, how will you determine who to have sex with?

 

Lucinda

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Scooty
51 minutes ago, Puck said:

If someone wanted to have sex/self pleasure every day, they would be called someone with a high sex drive. I’d they only wanted it once a month or so, they would have a low sex drive.

 

So yeah, as has been said, an asexual can have a high, low, or in between libido and still be ace. The only thing that would make them not ace would be if they wanted to satisfy that libido with a partner.

Well! that answers my question! :) I was so confused because I knew I had a low/medium libido; and thought it disqualified me from being ace. However, after having attempted dating since early high school (I'm 23 now) with zero success, I can say, after your statement, that I'm very much ace. I have a libido, but no sexual attraction towards potential partners. I'm thrilled, because now that that's solved, I can now focus on more important things 😂

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Scooty
2 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

Since you want to have sex, how will you determine who to have sex with?

 

Lucinda

I think sexuality is so fluid. Be it asexual or not, there's a difference between libido and sexual attraction. Like people have said, you can experience libido as an "itch to be scratched" every now and then, but you're likely not attracted sexually to any other person. You can be sexually stimulated, but that's not fulfilled by being sexually attracted to someone. 

 

Asexuality is so interesting; it's like we're all trying to explain a "feeling" we all have. Do I have to ask a heterosexual to explain in detail what it's like to be straight? No! I think what's worked for me, is to just trust your instincts and if you feel like you're ace or another sexuality, then hey! perfect! go with that! :) 

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Philip027
11 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

Well what else am I supposed to identify as then? Having never looked at someone the same gender or the opposite gender to me and actually wanted to have sex with them, what am I? 

Not up to me to say that.  All I can say is that if someone were to basically tell me "I want to fuck someone but nobody tickles my fancy", I would absolutely never read that person as asexual.   It doesn't sound to me like anything at all like something an asexual person would say -- because it's actually a perfectly normal sentiment shared among sexual people.

 

If we're including people who desire/pursue sex with others in the realm of asexuality, the term means pretty much nothing anymore, and is reduced to a "if you say you are, you are" sort of non-definition.

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TheAP
12 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

Well what else am I supposed to identify as then? Having never looked at someone the same gender or the opposite gender to me and actually wanted to have sex with them, what am I? 

You could be asexual, or you could meet someone you want to have sex with someday. It's hard to say for sure, but you can identify as asexual if you want.

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Wolfie31
13 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

Since you want to have sex, how will you determine who to have sex with?

 

Lucinda

Well I mean that's basically my problem, I feel like i may end up never having sex due to never finding a specific person I want to have sex with.

 

I try to compare it to being hungry. Sometimes when you're hungry you really want a specific food or sometimes you're not hungry but if you see a specific food you'd want to eat it anyway. But also there can be times when you're really hungry but you just don't fancy any specific food (really hoping it not just me that experiences this.) And that's basically how I feel about sex. 

 

I can appreciate why asexual people who aren't interested in sex at all would rather I didn't use it to identify as myself but it's really the sexuality that fits me best, none of the other works.

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The Dryad
6 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

Well what else am I supposed to identify as then? Having never looked at someone the same gender or the opposite gender to me and actually wanted to have sex with them, what am I? 

This something sexuals also face, not every sexual gets aroused by the first person they see, or even the first fifty people they see. Many sexuals needs certain situations with a certain type of person to experience sexual attraction. This is also something that asexuals face though, and only you really know what you are, I'm sorry if I sounded judgemental, but I didn't know that you were cupiosexual, and to be honest, it read to me like a sexual's statement, I got triggered, I apologize.

 

The truth is you can identify as whatever you want.

 

 

But the asexual umbrella is becoming really confusing, really quick.

 

 

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The Dryad
7 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Not up to me to say that.  All I can say is that if someone were to basically tell me "I want to fuck someone but nobody tickles my fancy", I would absolutely never read that person as asexual.   It doesn't sound to me like anything at all like something an asexual person would say -- because it's actually a perfectly normal sentiment shared among sexual people.

 

If we're including people who desire/pursue sex with others in the realm of asexuality, the term means pretty much nothing anymore, and is reduced to a "if you say you are, you are" sort of non-definition.

Yeah, I got into a debate with someone, where I was defending the "welcoming mat", "everyone who sort-of-fits-is-welcome-club", but the other person was saying that asexuality needed to be fully defined specifically in order to get respect and attention, as well as keep the confusion down, and now.....I totally agree with that person, because I'm so confused. What is asexuality if asexuals don't even know though?

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Scooty
7 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

Well I mean that's basically my problem, I feel like i may end up never having sex due to never finding a specific person I want to have sex with.

 

I try to compare it to being hungry. Sometimes when you're hungry you really want a specific food or sometimes you're not hungry but if you're a specific food you'd want to eat it anyway. But also there can be times when you're really hungry but you just don't fancy any specific food (really hoping it not just me that experiences this.) And that's basically how I feel about sex. 

 

I can appreciate why asexual people who aren't interested in sex at all would rather I didn't use it to identify as myself but it's really the sexuality that fits me best, none of the other works.

I think this is perfect. Like I said before, sexuality is a "feeling". As far as feelings go, they are fluid. They're not stagnant and unmoving; they can change! I like how you described it like hunger. Sometimes I'm hungry and not craving X and sometimes I'm not hungry but craving X...and vise versa. I don't care if you're ace or not, I think it's safe to say we have all experienced this. We're all human and all have to eat ;) 

 

And if you think sexuality fits you, then let that work! it's like what I've been trying to figure out for myself; if having a libido qualifies me as ace or not. I can qualify myself as ace only because I don't experience sexual attraction. I definitely experience aesthetic attraction, which is different! but no sexual attraction (only it seems, if I form a strong emotional bond...which probably qualifies me as Demisexual). 

 

 

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Philip027
4 minutes ago, The Dryad said:

But the asexual umbrella is becoming really confusing, really quick.

That's why I reject the notion of an asexual "umbrella" in the first place ;)

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Puck
14 minutes ago, Scooty said:

Well! that answers my question! :) I was so confused because I knew I had a low/medium libido; and thought it disqualified me from being ace. However, after having attempted dating since early high school (I'm 23 now) with zero success, I can say, after your statement, that I'm very much ace. I have a libido, but no sexual attraction towards potential partners. I'm thrilled, because now that that's solved, I can now focus on more important things 😂

So glad I could clear that up! :) It's for sure something that people get confused by, a lot of people make the mistake of thinking those with low libidos are asexual/close to it. But libido is separate from orientation, though those with low libidos may find support by the asexual community for sure. But I'm so glad I could help you figure you out :D

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Philip027

Misquoted, dunno how to fix it on mobile, so BOOM

Edited by Philip027

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Philip027
9 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

I try to compare it to being hungry. Sometimes when you're hungry you really want a specific food or sometimes you're not hungry but if you see a specific food you'd want to eat it anyway. But also there can be times when you're really hungry but you just don't fancy any specific food (really hoping it not just me that experiences this.) And that's basically how I feel about sex. 

Here's the thing though -- even though you may not know what food you want (which, as you suggest, is a very common and normal experience), it still isn't the same thing as not having an appetite at all.

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Puck
1 minute ago, The Dryad said:

Yeah, I got into a debate with someone, where I was defending the "welcoming mat", "everyone who sort-of-fits-is-welcome-club", but the other person was saying that asexuality needed to be fully defined specifically in order to get respect and attention, as well as keep the confusion down, and now.....I totally agree with that person, because I'm so confused. What is asexuality if asexuals don't even know though?

Yeah, I'm in camp "specific definition" too.

 

I think it's because it's actually two different concepts people are conflating. On one hand, it's important for the sexuality in the abstract to have a very specific label in order to easily communicate it and properly document or research it.

 

However, for peoples personal journey's, it's fine for anyone to identify as it as they grow through life. It's like how some people who are homosexual might identify as bisexual for a few years before they've fully understood themselves. It's ok for people to test labels. However, this doesn't mean labels should change to fit everyone. Besides, no one label is better than the other, so saying someone isn't asexual (or bisexual or heterosexual....) shouldn't be offensive or hurtful, but people act like it is. Honestly, I think people really need to focus on what is best for each individual person and sometimes telling them they aren't ace when they think they are is the kind of tough love they need.

 

TL;DR - It's ok for people to try out new labels as they discover themselves, but the definitions should be established and unchanging, only people's identities should change when new info comes up.

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Wolfie31
4 minutes ago, The Dryad said:

This something sexuals also face, not every sexual gets aroused by the first person they see, or even the first fifty people they see. Many sexuals needs certain situations with a certain type of person to experience sexual attraction. This is also something that asexuals face though, and only you really know what you are, I'm sorry if I sounded judgemental, but I didn't know that you were cupiosexual, and to be honest, it read to me like a sexual's statement, I got triggered, I apologize.

 

The truth is you can identify as whatever you want.

 

 

But the asexual umbrella is becoming really confusing, really quick.

 

 

I can honestly appreciate why you wouldn't me to identify as asexual, it's a relatively unknown orientation and it's hard to get people to try to understand it as it is, further complicating it by adding twists and loopholes to the definition only makes that harder. 

 

Maybe I'll go out tomorrow and see someone I'm sexually attracted to and I won't identify as asexual anymore (believe me no one wants that to happen more than me) but in my entire life so far that hasn't happened, and it's made me feel isolated from other 'sexual' people in ways that I've seen a lot of people talk about on this forum and I've enjoyed finding people who's experiences I can finally relate to.

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