I don't know where I stand. ...again.

[notfeelingit98]

(A bit of a TMI warning? I don't know, frankly)

 

Hello, hi. As per usual, this is the only place where I can vent about my sexuality-related problems... which seems a bit ironic to me right now. Because I am not so sure if I am ace anymore.

And it's freaking me out a bit, not gonna lie.

 

You see, 'asexual' was the first thing I have ever been sure of. Not my gender identity, not my romantic orientation - it was the fact that there was no sexual attraction happening and that I didn't want to have sex. Like, ever, in my life. I came out when I was 16 and then proceeded to figure myself out in different aspects of life for many more years. 

Being ace, knowing with my heart and soul that this is my truth, was... I don't know, grounding. I felt safe because I just knew and nobody could take that away from me.

 

As I said, eventually I went through the realisation of HOLY SHIT I LIKE GIRLS TOO and HOOOOLY SHIT I'M NOT A GIRL OR A BOY (simplification of three years of identity crises and general agony). And I can proudly say that I am currently the happiest I've ever been, thanks to actually being honest with myself about what I want and/or what I like. I found that being honest and not repressing stuff is my key to the whole happy thing, so... yeah. I have established a new Stop Lying policy with myself and I have been working on acknowledging and accepting myself as I am.

 

This has resulted in me not only becoming okay with my sex drive and masturbating, but also realising some kink-related stuff and such. I shall spare you the details because I still have a sense of privacy. You get the picture.

All the searching happened without beating myself up about it or feeling shameful, which is new. Yet, it is where my confusion begins. I'm starting to feel like the label "asexual" doesn't fit me. Even though I know that there are sex-positive asexuals, asexuals who masturbate and that it's more than okay.

Anyway, the thing that unites us all is the lack of sexual attraction, right?

...oh dear.

 

The ULTIMATE reason for my confusion is that I have met a person???? I have known them for a few years actually, and had a crush on them almost the entire time... And I believe my feelings for them may be crossing the sexual attraction line?? I don't know, nobody gives you a manual on how to tell you're sexually attracted to a person, but like... I feel things. Many things. That are completely new for me and if I've ever been close to being sexually attracted, it was with this person.

Or... there might've been other few instances in the past. I'm not sure about those, tho, they were these isolated confusing moments, I don't know.

Sex is still out of the question for me, that stays pretty clear, but I think the sex-repulsion might be linked more to my gender dysphoria than anything else. 

 

So there I go. Sex drive, kinks, experiencing maybe-sexual-attraction for the first time... Is there a way to still call that asexual, or am I out of the team?

 

I know that only I have the power to decide which label I use and I should be free to explore and experiment however the hell I please. But... 'asexual' has been with me this whole time. And I love AVEN, I have had nothing but good experiences here and I have talked to many great people. Being asexual was such a solid part of my identity for so long. As I said, I'm not sure if I want to call myself that anymore... and yet the thought of maybe coming to the conclusion that I am, I don't know, just pansexual and dysphoric is not comforting to me. Feels like I would be losing a community by claiming another label.

 

Honestly, I don't know.

Am I overthinking? (I am, definitely.)

Surely feeling something maybe kinda sorta sexual for one person does not "qualify" me to be allosexual, does it?

Does this sound like I could be demi or grey ace? Or something entirely else?

 

If you relate to any part of this rambling or have any advice, please, let me know.

And thanks for reading! I feel lighter writing this all down, haha

[ConfusedButHere]

Well, it definitely sounds like you could be demi/grace! Since sorta-sexual attraction isn't something that's happened in your life often you could still be considered ace if you wanted 😊

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

Hey, @notfeelingit98! I just glanced over at @ConfusedButHere's profile and noticed they had "aceflux" in it. This made me realize that you could be aceflux!

[Philip027]

As far as I'm concerned, yeah, that's no longer asexual.  You can maybe nevertheless relate somewhat to the asexual experience based on what may be your grayness, even if it means some aces might not necessarily be able to relate to you anymore.

[SilentRose]

I think its very possible you could still be graysexual or demisexual, or you could be allosexual or you maybe even decide you still identify with Asexuality. It may take you a while and a lot of exploring to figure it out for sure, and that's okay. A label that feels comfortable today might not in a year or so, that's okay too. Just know that asexual or not, you can still keep up with your ace friends and stay on AVEN. Even if you decide you ID as ace, i think i would speak for everyone here that you are more than welcome to remain on this site, keep your ace friends and remain a part of the community

[notfeelingit98]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate your responses... I'm sure this will take me some time to figure out but I am grateful for the suggestions. We shall see what comes of it.  

 

 

 

[pma01]

You stated that sex is still off the table, that your not interested in having sex and you may be sex repulsed, that sounds asexual to me.