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Sexual Wife/Asexual Husband - It's A Hard Life


Wandering Around

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Wandering Around

Let's get the usual info out of the way first. My husband and I have been together 14 years, married 11 of those years. Neither one of us had any idea he was asexual. This is a recent revelation that explains so many things. Our sex life started off hot and heavy but then cooled so quickly it left my head spinning. It was so easy to blame it on differing work schedules, having small children, being exhausted, etc. 

 

Truth of the matter is, it was none of those things and the more time that passed the more evident that fact became. 


Years of what felt like constant rejection from my husband has stripped me of my self esteem. I live in a constant state of anger, sadness and frustration and despite the obvious love I have for him If I had found this out before we were married I would not have done this to myself. Marriage does not make this better in fact it makes it so much worse.

 

It has been a special brand and mix of emotional hell, mental anguish and physical frustration that I would wish on no one. 

 

We have spoken of compromise that entails me seeking to fulfill those needs outside of our marriage. Even with that it isn't easy, dating in your 40's is a muddy mosh pit of disappointing interactions. Trying to do so in this unique situation with little to no self esteem is depressing at worst and laughable at best. To be honest I don't want to have to look elsewhere I want a well rounded relationship that includes, sensual, romantic and sexual interactions with my husband. I can't have that and the depression that realization has brought about has been hell on both of us. 

 

Knowing that having a lover on the side is as good as this is ever going to get for me (unless we divorce) hurts, saddens and wounds my soul and spirit in ways I do not have words for. 

 

I know this sounds mean but he's so happy with a hug and kissing me on the forehead I could scream most days. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. He's all smiles - fine and dandy - while I feel like something scraped out from under a rusted lawn mower. 

 

Most days I want to scream into the sky about how unfair this all is, others it's hard to even care and I feel as if I'm just waiting for it all to end. 

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If you've read a few posts in this section you'll know there are plenty of people who understand exactly what you're feeling. We've been there, or are still there, and the apparent obliviousness of our asexual partners to what's going on can make it worse - though some asexuals say they're kinda sorta aware but don't know what to do about it, and are hoping it will all go away. The sense of having our needs dismissed can hurt even more than the lack of being desired.

 

It sounds like your conversations (it's good the pair of you are actually communicating) haven't resulted in him saying he feels able to have sex or even get any vicarious enjoyment from it, so sex with him is completely off the table. Could he be open to that? Or maybe counselling might help you each find a way to deal with the situation (rather than 'heal' him, which can be a reason asexuals really don't want to have therapy/counselling/whatever).

 

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Maybe you could talk to my husband! we are the same age. I am 37. I too am really just putting a name to my life of failed relationships and weird thinking. i think being older and realizing this makes it hard. and he could really use some listening ears too. 

 

some people here are 20s and saying "this is me, deal with it" which i totally respect and understand... but when you are married, and trying to save a relationship neither of us want to be like that!!! He is very sexual and is struggling big time! if nothing else you could have some one to talk things out with.

We are trying to compromise. we have been together 6 years now. and i dont want this to end... over sex of all things. I know i can say that because im not the one wanting it. LOL 

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It's a mess just because our orientation "asexuality" went completely unnoticed.

 

Good luck and I hope you find a way to cope with it.

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12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you've read a few posts in this section you'll know there are plenty of people who understand exactly what you're feeling. We've been there, or are still there, and the apparent obliviousness of our asexual partners to what's going on can make it worse - though some asexuals say they're kinda sorta aware but don't know what to do about it, and are hoping it will all go away. The sense of having our needs dismissed can hurt even more than the lack of being desired.

 

It sounds like your conversations (it's good the pair of you are actually communicating) haven't resulted in him saying he feels able to have sex or even get any vicarious enjoyment from it, so sex with him is completely off the table. Could he be open to that? Or maybe counselling might help you each find a way to deal with the situation (rather than 'heal' him, which can be a reason asexuals really don't want to have therapy/counselling/whatever).

 

Yeah when it comes to sex he really just "doesn't get what the big deal is about" so it ends up falling really really flat for both of us.  He has lackluster interest in it about twice a year and considering he's not really into it I'd rather just pass. 

 

I know he doesn't need fixed and I don't need fixed (but I too am scared counseling would end up leaning that way) but as you said it is just so frustrating to have my needs dismissed I could cry or scream.  I'm not sure what counseling could possibly help with in this situation and even if it could he's so against it it would not happen. He's still coming to grips with it and it's been a struggle. I just find that so odd... if I didn't want to have sex, didn't feel desire or attraction in that manner to people I don't think I'd struggle so hard with accepting finally having a name for what I'm feeling (or not feeling) but he's having a really hard time with it. 

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19 minutes ago, NicoleParker said:

Maybe you could talk to my husband! we are the same age. I am 37. I too am really just putting a name to my life of failed relationships and weird thinking. i think being older and realizing this makes it hard. and he could really use some listening ears too. 

 

some people here are 20s and saying "this is me, deal with it" which i totally respect and understand... but when you are married, and trying to save a relationship neither of us want to be like that!!! He is very sexual and is struggling big time! if nothing else you could have some one to talk things out with.

We are trying to compromise. we have been together 6 years now. and i dont want this to end... over sex of all things. I know i can say that because im not the one wanting it. LOL 

I'd be happy to talk to him Nicole. Just have him message me. Is he on this forum too? 

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It’s complicated and options are terrible at best, but one can either choose to try and improve life or not.  Sure, options are limited, but I believe a person is only as stuck as their mind.

 

Digression: I was at soccer practice for my son last night and while sitting on the field with another Mom, we got to talking.  She is mid-40’s, divorced and has a wonderful co-parenting arrangement with her ex-husband.  With that said, I heard her reflect on and lament for almost an hour about how hard it is to be on her own.  In retrospect, the things that seemed so major in marriage were minor in comparison to being single.  There was much more to the discussion,  but it boiled down to “the grass is always greener” and learn to appreciate what you have. 

 

Do I believe all of that? (Asks the woman who can’t wait to be with her lover....). In a way, yes.  Figure out a structure and solution, whatever that is, and work towards it.  Sitting still in agony is a choice, but it’s clearly not working.  Perhaps mix it up, but whatever you do, keep communicating with your husband.  It will be messy any way you slice it.  

 

My choices have been unconventional, painful at times, deeply fulfilling and have created more life questions, yet I wouldn’t change a thing.

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17 minutes ago, Nidwin said:

It's a mess just because our orientation "asexuality" went completely unnoticed.

 

Good luck and I hope you find a way to cope with it.

You are correct it is a big mess for that very reason and I loathe this for both of us. 

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9 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

It’s complicated and your options are terrible at best, but you can either choose to try and improve your life or not.  There’s not much to choose from, but you are only as stuck as your mind I believe.

 

Digression: I was at soccer practice for my son last night and while sitting on the field with another Mom, we got to talking.  She is mid-40’s and divorced and has a wonderful Co-parenting setup with her ex-husband.  With that said, I heard her reflect on and lament for almost an hour about how hard it is to be single.  In retrospect, the things that seemed so major to her at the time were minor in comparison to being single.  There was much more to the discussion,  but it boiled down to “the grass is always greener” and learn to appreciate what you have. 

 

Do I believe all of that? (Asks the woman who can’t wait to be with her lover tomorrow....). In a way, yes.  Figure out a structure and solution for you, whatever that is, and work towards it.  Sitting still in agony is a choice, but it’s clearly not working.  Perhaps mix it up, but whatever you do, keep communicating with your husband.  It will be messy any way you slice it.  

 

My choices have been unconventional, painful

at times, deeply fulfilling and have created more life questions, yet I wouldn’t change a thing.

Thank you so much for all of the insight you have given me Traveler *hugs you hard*. It is messy and I'm not sitting idle currently but I think it is more so the weight of having spent so many years trying to fix our sexless marriage that is getting to me at the moment. But I suppose we all struggle with the woes and regrets of wasted time (even at our age a decade of time spent trying to fix something that can't be fixed because in a sense it wasn't broken is a lot of time to have tossed out life's window). Being frustrated on this level is surely not helping my mindset either.

 

Looking for a lover is daunting (I know you know this plight all too well) and I know the wait and time spent finding one will one day be worth it but boy oh boy does it feel like an endless struggle at the moment. I'm certainly looking forward to looking back on this time in my life and going "whew so glad I persevered" 

 

The grass is indeed always greener but right now my depression and the general sadness has all lawns looking dead, lifeless and brown at the moment... this too shall pass right? 

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OP, I'm sorry you are part of this large club of miserable people.  I've been married >30 years to a near-asexual wife.  I'm remembering our 25th anniversary, staying in an ancient palace on the Grand Canal in Venice.   Low stress trip - we'd been there before, the entire point was romance and relaxation.  We didn't have sex even once.  I have this list in my mind of all the romantic places we haven't had sex - cabins on the  beach in Polynesia, mountain chalets in the alps,  High rise hotels in Shanghai etc etc.     

 

It never gets better. 

 

My wife absolutely does not want me getting sex outside the marriage (to her, she is 'normal', I'm oversexed) but I don't think it would work anyway.  I think sex with someone who desired me would be so wonderful that I would fall for them. 

 

That is the problem for you as well. For most people sex is an integral part of love and romance.   I think that if you did find an outside partner, one of two things would happen:

 

1) it would just feel sort of sordid. You want desire, passion etc,  not some guy who is going to use you to get off. 

 

2). You would find real passion and desire, maybe from a man in the same situation you are in.  It would be wonderful.  Too wonderful. It would feel like love is supposed to feel.

 

But I don't have any suggestions.  For younger people I say "get out", there is only misery ahead.  For people in longer term relationships? I don't know.  I watch a lot of porn to numb myself to the lack of sex  - and feel horrible about it.  I don't want to leave the woman I love - but  while its not her fault, she will never understand what she has done to my life.

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2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

though some asexuals say they're kinda sorta aware but don't know what to do about it, and are hoping it will all go away.

I’m trying to stay out of this because I’m not really the target audience but I just wanted to note that this isn’t really a fair representation.  While some sexuals here have partners (often with neurological, neuropsych, and/or mental health challenges) who are willfully or unconsciously oblivious, others’ partners are well aware (and sometimes quite distraught that) there’s an issue, that their partners are suffering, etc.  It’s not really accurate or fair to characterize “asexual partners” as a whole as clueless, oblivious, and/or perfectly satisfied with how things are.

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4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

 It’s not really accurate or fair to characterize “asexual partners” as a whole as clueless, oblivious, and/or perfectly satisfied with how things are.

I've seen enough asexuals posting pretty much what I summarised to stand by what I said. I'm not saying all asexuals are clueless, I'm saying they have some idea that their partner is deeply upset about the lack of sex, but they have no clue what to do about it, don't think it's important, and so can't think what else to do but hope it goes away.

 

*Some* are deeply bothered, yes. But many, many say they're bothered, but it turns out not bothered enough to do anything more than hope it all goes away.

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Everyone is entitled to his/her/their own opinion(s).  I just think it’s not necessarily helpful for those new to trying to sort out their options to go in with the impression that they’re the only ones under stress.

 

In longstanding relationships where the topic is just now surfacing one could often argue that both parties - for a variety of reasons, some very well-intended/understandable (and not at all related to not being bothered enough) - have been hoping the problem would go away on its own.

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2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I just think it’s not necessarily helpful for those new to trying to sort out their options to go in with the impression that they’re the only ones under stress.

I agree, and it cuts both ways. 

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53 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

*Some* are deeply bothered, yes. But many, many say they're bothered, but it turns out not bothered enough to do anything more than hope it all goes away.

*Many* are deeply bothered.  What would you have us do, Tele?   We can't change into wanting/desiring sex, any more than our sexual partners can change not wanting sex.  

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@Wandering Around - the damage is real, but it's good you're determined to move forward! I'm roughly the same age/marriage-length/genders as you. (Just a tad older/longer & sick of being female).

From observing my experience and others here: it is vital to have your partner with you. Communication is of foundational importance. An asexual partner may be unaware of how things affect you. You may be unaware of what they experience. You need to hear them, and they hear you. Communication alone won't fix things, but it seems to be a prerequisite. Without great communication, it seems that you're very unlikely to find much happiness with your partner.

@Telecaster68 has elsewhere aptly summarized four paths - you're on one already, there's no choice in these paths - (1) break up (2) celibacy (3) sex with your partner (4) sex with someone else.

The last two aren't exclusive. My partner and I are focusing on #3. In our case, our bedroom did not get particularly dead, because I was always pushing. (So my experience has guilt around consent.) He's clear that #4 is OK... I think because he doesn't want to see me doomed to never experience someone attracted to me -- but we've decided it's much wiser to try that later, after regaining internal stability in our relationship.

Every path has pros and cons. #1 has a lot of losses even as it opens up opportunities. #2 is trivially possible but usually painful for a sexual partner. #3 only works if an asexual is indifferent/willing and a sexual can find satisfaction in it. #4 takes effort and you might fall in love with another (or they with you) creating a romantic/poly mess. 2/3/4 all have questions about sustainability.

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2 hours ago, uhtred said:

OP, I'm sorry you are part of this large club of miserable people.  I've been married >30 years to a near-asexual wife.  I'm remembering our 25th anniversary, staying in an ancient palace on the Grand Canal in Venice.   Low stress trip - we'd been there before, the entire point was romance and relaxation.  We didn't have sex even once.  I have this list in my mind of all the romantic places we haven't had sex - cabins on the  beach in Polynesia, mountain chalets in the alps,  High rise hotels in Shanghai etc etc.     

 

It never gets better. 

 

My wife absolutely does not want me getting sex outside the marriage (to her, she is 'normal', I'm oversexed) but I don't think it would work anyway.  I think sex with someone who desired me would be so wonderful that I would fall for them. 

 

That is the problem for you as well. For most people sex is an integral part of love and romance.   I think that if you did find an outside partner, one of two things would happen:

 

1) it would just feel sort of sordid. You want desire, passion etc,  not some guy who is going to use you to get off. 

 

2). You would find real passion and desire, maybe from a man in the same situation you are in.  It would be wonderful.  Too wonderful. It would feel like love is supposed to feel.

 

But I don't have any suggestions.  For younger people I say "get out", there is only misery ahead.  For people in longer term relationships? I don't know.  I watch a lot of porn to numb myself to the lack of sex  - and feel horrible about it.  I don't want to leave the woman I love - but  while its not her fault, she will never understand what she has done to my life.

We are kindred spirits Uhtred. I too have this long and winding list of places we've been (as well as places I'd still like to go) where romance, sex and sensuality is all but dripping from the scenery... it just doesn't happen and I know it won't happen and that is so very painful. I don't think my husband knows what he has done to my life either even if he seems to be quite a bit more understanding than your wife is about our mismatched sexualities *hugs on you so hard*

 

As for 1) and 2) I am totally afraid of both. The latter more than the former. I'm scared if I find someone and we hit it off and the passion is there I'll want to leave my husband so in a sense I feel as if doing this... seeking an outside lover is merely me putting together the ingredients for the recipe that will ultimately end my marriage... which is not what I want.  

 

It pains me to hear that she just treats your desire for her as you being "oversexed" that has to hurt like nobody's business. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. There is a lot of loneliness in this sort of situation and for your wife to be so dismissive about it, well that has to make it feel doubly so. 

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I feel like it must be especially hard for people who have not just a sexuality but also a sensuality mismatch.  I love visiting amazing places (and love sharing that experience with my partner) but I - for lack of the right words... can’t describe what I don’t know, I suppose - guess I have a more intellectual experience than some of you are describing?  I’m awed by the age of the place, and the work that went into it, and I wonder if the people who made such lovely, lasting things ever had any idea we’d still be enjoying them centuries later.  I’m fascinated by how they must have lived, and by how much (and little) life has changed since then.  I find the buildings and scenery (and the views!) beautiful and interesting.  I’ve never been someone who really happily engages all my senses in things, though - sight and sound, yes, but not so much with touch or taste or smell.  The latter three have brought me a lot more displeasure than pleasure over time, honestly.

 

Anyway, I’m rambling.  I just can’t help but wonder if my way of experiencing things makes me seem less... passionate to people.  I’m very passionate about many things but they’re more likely to be in my inner world than my outer one.

 

tl:dr it sounds like a mismatch in sensuality could contribute to and exascerbate a mismatch in sexuality... especially if it’s not recongnized and discussed and is instead left open to (mis)interpretation.

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1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I’m trying to stay out of this because I’m not really the target audience but I just wanted to note that this isn’t really a fair representation.  While some sexuals here have partners (often with neurological, neuropsych, and/or mental health challenges) who are willfully or unconsciously oblivious, others’ partners are well aware (and sometimes quite distraught that) there’s an issue, that their partners are suffering, etc.  It’s not really accurate or fair to characterize “asexual partners” as a whole as clueless, oblivious, and/or perfectly satisfied with how things are.

I won't profess to know what another commenter meant by their words but I took that quoted statement more like "They are aware of the problem but cannot relate complete to the disconnect and not feeling the same way about physical intimacy as their sexual partners do." My husband understands but only to a degree because he cannot completely wrap his brain around sex being "a big deal" despite respecting the fact that it is a significant deal to me. I figure it's kind of like people that don't experience menstrual cramps trying to relate to people that do... yeah you can understand being in pain in general but only the menstrual cramps, and all of the things that come along with them, to a degree. 

 

I hope that made sense. 

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1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Everyone is entitled to his/her/their own opinion(s).  I just think it’s not necessarily helpful for those new to trying to sort out their options to go in with the impression that they’re the only ones under stress.

 

In longstanding relationships where the topic is just now surfacing one could often argue that both parties - for a variety of reasons, some very well-intended/understandable (and not at all related to not being bothered enough) - have been hoping the problem would go away on its own.

Well said and true... we are both suffering here. It has not been an easy time for either of us. It's been an emotional rollercoaster 

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3 hours ago, Sally said:

*Many* are deeply bothered.  What would you have us do, Tele?   We can't change into wanting/desiring sex, any more than our sexual partners can change not wanting sex.  

Honestly I would love to think many asexuals are deeply bothered by the mismatch, but I really don't see it in AVEN posts. I see some asexuals who are, but far more often, I see asexuals with a mixture of obliviousness and denial about the effect a mixed relationship has on their partner. 

 

I'm not expecting anyone to change anything beyond acknowledging that the situation is grim for both sides. 

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30 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

[...]denial about the effect a mixed relationship has on their partner. 

It’s also possible their partners are claiming - honestly, wishfully, or otherwise - to be less or differently affected than you/some of the others really hurt by their situations are.

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7 hours ago, Sally said:

*Many* are deeply bothered.  What would you have us do, Tele?   We can't change into wanting/desiring sex, any more than our sexual partners can change not wanting sex.  

Many are already doing all they can.  In some cases though, just some  understanding would be nice.  In some cases (*not most*) asexuals will dismiss their partner's interest in sex, and sometimes even try to degrade / humiliate them for it.  

 

 

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6 hours ago, Wandering Around said:

We are kindred spirits Uhtred. I too have this long and winding list of places we've been (as well as places I'd still like to go) where romance, sex and sensuality is all but dripping from the scenery... it just doesn't happen and I know it won't happen and that is so very painful. I don't think my husband knows what he has done to my life either even if he seems to be quite a bit more understanding than your wife is about our mismatched sexualities *hugs on you so hard*

 

As for 1) and 2) I am totally afraid of both. The latter more than the former. I'm scared if I find someone and we hit it off and the passion is there I'll want to leave my husband so in a sense I feel as if doing this... seeking an outside lover is merely me putting together the ingredients for the recipe that will ultimately end my marriage... which is not what I want.  

 

It pains me to hear that she just treats your desire for her as you being "oversexed" that has to hurt like nobody's business. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. There is a lot of loneliness in this sort of situation and for your wife to be so dismissive about it, well that has to make it feel doubly so. 

From my experience:

 

It helps to avoid romantic locations.  Go hiking  in the mountains or other high stress trips.   Romantic trips are just painful - because your partner is likely to want romance (as do you), but then doesn't want what to you feels like the natural end to a romantic day together. Its like being cursed to listen to music you love, but to always have it suddenly cut off in mid-measure. 

 

The 1 and 2 are why I haven't had an affair. I don't want sex with a call girl - I want to be desired, it would be too humiliating to have to *pay* to have someone pretend to desire me.  As far as another person... well there are possibilities, but sex with a stranger where we just get each other off would seem sort of sad.  Sex with someone I cared about would create a bond -I'm sure of it.      I can see it now - when my wife and I do have sex - I feel happy and in love for a little while.

 

I'd actually suggest (though I don't follow it myself) avoiding relationship forums, including this one.  The last thing you need to do is make friends with nice me who are interested / enthusiastic about passionate / romantic sex.  It will just taunt you with something you cannot have (see 1/2 above). It makes the world seem so much more unfair to know that while you are not alone -there are people out there who would be perfect..... in this one way (but when you are lonely that seems so important).  Better to just imagine that everyone's marriage is like this. 

 

Or - just end it.  You are still  young and can still leave and have a wonderful life.  I expect though that like me you can't bring yourself to do that because you actually love your spouse. 

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7 hours ago, anisotropic said:

@Wandering Around - the damage is real, but it's good you're determined to move forward! I'm roughly the same age/marriage-length/genders as you. (Just a tad older/longer & sick of being female).

From observing my experience and others here: it is vital to have your partner with you. Communication is of foundational importance. An asexual partner may be unaware of how things affect you. You may be unaware of what they experience. You need to hear them, and they hear you. Communication alone won't fix things, but it seems to be a prerequisite. Without great communication, it seems that you're very unlikely to find much happiness with your partner.

@Telecaster68 has elsewhere aptly summarized four paths - you're on one already, there's no choice in these paths - (1) break up (2) celibacy (3) sex with your partner (4) sex with someone else.

The last two aren't exclusive. My partner and I are focusing on #3. In our case, our bedroom did not get particularly dead, because I was always pushing. (So my experience has guilt around consent.) He's clear that #4 is OK... I think because he doesn't want to see me doomed to never experience someone attracted to me -- but we've decided it's much wiser to try that later, after regaining internal stability in our relationship.

Every path has pros and cons. #1 has a lot of losses even as it opens up opportunities. #2 is trivially possible but usually painful for a sexual partner. #3 only works if an asexual is indifferent/willing and a sexual can find satisfaction in it. #4 takes effort and you might fall in love with another (or they with you) creating a romantic/poly mess. 2/3/4 all have questions about sustainability.

Thank you so much for you insight on this. We are doing our best to keep the lines of communication open. I don't expect it to be easy but I don't think it is impossible either I'm just a bit exhausted already. The last 12 years have been really draining... the last 2 exceptionally so.

 

It's funny you should say "... takes effort and you might fall in love with another (or they with you) creating a romantic/poly mess." we talked about that just today. 

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2 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Its like being cursed to listen to music you love, but to always have it suddenly cut off in mid-measure. 

...you have quite a way with words... this is exactly what it feels like. 

 

...the physical side of my marriage is just a series of dropped calls. It rings... connects but in moments the line goes dead... *sighs* 

 

I can't imagine everyone's relationship is like this because it is too painfully clear that it isn't. I can see that everyone else's husband doesn't freeze up and pull back from kisses on the lips, I can see that other men are admiring their wives' legs in a skirt... I know my situation is different and painfully platonic. I feel like we are just really good  friends that are in debt together. I have to do something because it's not in my nature to give up - but only time will tell how that will pan out for us and our marriage. 

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3 hours ago, uhtred said:

it would be too humiliating to have to *pay* to have someone pretend to desire me. 

Sorry, this is insensitive of me, but I laughed and thought, "oh, I don't have to *pay* someone who isn't attracted to me to have sex with me! Just ask really politely."

 

(The personal-prostitute framing is imperfect but has been helpful for me.)

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@Wandering Around it's good to be determined!

 

It's often unclear to me from forum posts how averse an ace partner is vs. an allo doesn't want to ask for sex.

 

If it's more the latter and you want to consider path #3, I should say that I forced myself to it. I felt repulsed and unattracted with the revelation his asexuality, and so it started with me faltering, failing partway through & crying instead, and my partner comforting me. My therapist called it exposure therapy. Not that it was her idea, hah.

 

Eventually I'd cry after, not during (and be comforted without fail)... and eventually the crying part faded entirely. In retrospect I feel like a bit crazy for having done that. The upshot is that we have the sex I want & I don't hesitate much to ask for what I want (he's okay with lots of stuff, just doesn't desire it himself - like a prostitute). And I think at some point I think I realized it was more of a chore to comfort me than it was to have sex (so I should probably get over it).

 

On his end, I think it made sex easier when I have zero expectation of him expressing any desire for it? Instead, I'm very thankful for him doing it.

 

On path #4 ...  I guess I feel like, maybe later? The option isn't going anywhere, no need to rush. I have a private prostitute who comforts me when I get guilty about using them, it's not attraction but it's plenty of love...

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14 hours ago, Sally said:

*Many* are deeply bothered.  What would you have us do, Tele?   We can't change into wanting/desiring sex, any more than our sexual partners can change not wanting sex.  

I agree with *Many* but as you mentioned Sally, what are we supposed to do.

 

To non-asexuals, allos, you the normal ones, thar whatever god chosen ones, ... (joking, just in case)

I can't feel empathy towards something I can't experience, sexual desire or the distress about the lack of satisfying partnered sex.

I do accept as a valid fact that you folks "suffer" from not being sexually desired by your partner and/or not having sex or satisfying sex. But I can't put myself in your shoes as my brain is clearly not wired the same way as allos on that particular subject.

 

It's a gap that can't be bridged because there's simply no bridge in the first place.

On one side of the fence,

sex seems to be the ultimate intimate expression between two, or more, persons.

On my side of the fence,

sex is a chore on the same level as doing the dishes, iron the clothes or putting out the garbage once a week.

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My wife and I pretty much stuck our heads in the sand for years. We’d been together for over a decade when she figured out she was ace. Sex has always been rare, and while she finds it “nice” she doesn’t experience any real desire or drive to experience it.

 

She has always said we can have sex whenever I want, but I’ve always felt uncomfortable initiating sex with her. I suppose for a long time we both believed it would work itself out, that something would change. It never has.

 

Last year we agreed that I could seek out a secondary partner, someone who could be a friend, but with whom I could hoper ully find the chemistry and sexual desire that was missing frommour relationship. I didn’t make much effort to look but I did join some poly groups.

 

I ended up meeting a woman when I least expected it, and what was supposed to be “friends with benefits” very quickly became so much more. I’m a 48 year old man, my life was mapped out and now I have no idea where I’m going. The thing is, I don’t regret the decisions that lead me to this point. Life is really painfully complicated now, but there is also love and joy and passion and for me those things are absolutely priceless, and worth pursuing. 

 

For her part, my wife has been incredibly supportive and accepting of my new relationship. If anything, she has adapted to it far better than I. I’m not sure what that means for the future of our marriage, but I do know that while we have a lot of things to figure out, our friendship is at least secure. And maybe that’s what really matters.

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