MightyProphet

How do you fight loneliness and anger?

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MightyProphet

Hello all,

I'm sorry this is possible more of a rant than a question, but I've been feeling increasingly lonely and wanted to know how much it's related to my asexuality and how others deal with these feelings- if, indeed, you have them at all!

 

I'm in my mid-20s and to be honest, I kind of hate the fact that I'm asexual. I'm at that age where a lot of my friends have been in relationships for years, or have started getting engaged or married, and it just feels incredibly isolating. Every time I go on social media there's a photo of someone on holiday with their other half, and I just can't figure out if that's something I'm jealous of and actually want or I'm just annoyed that everyone is so different to me. I'm out to a lot of my friends but I feel like I get very little consideration when I go out with my friends- all they talk about are their partners/husbands/wives/girlfriends etc. or bring them along and I end up sitting in a corner on my own. I've started avoiding a lot of social events as a result and I don't think that helps at all. Am I crazy for finding it all so frustrating? Are there any methods others have to avoid being isolated? Or alternatively, do I just flat out need to find some better friends?

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MichaelTannock

I joined AVEN because I felt isolated and lonely as an Asexual.
Doing that helped, and the feeling is reduced now, but it's still there.
I deal with it by working.
I don't know if that's healthy or not, but it's about all I can do.

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œddy

I can totally relate as I remember being your age.

 

In some ways I wish I'd discovered myself earlier than my mid 30's, at least it would've helped me stop worrying about something I didn't need to fix.

I realised that I've only ever felt lonely because of societal expectations, everyone else was coupling up, getting married and having kids around me and I tried to fit in with this unsuccessfully.

 

The way I found to sort my life out, starting around 10 years ago, was to fill it with experiences and to give myself goals to accomplish.

For me it was through sport. I found a natural affinity for running - which has fantastic health benefits, the camaraderie (and friendships) of my club and something I can always work on.

There are so many sports you can get into and so many clubs out there, especially up your way - I'm from Rutland and Peterborough myself.

 

Filling my life with as much as I could left no time for loneliness. Plus the realisation that I didn't actually want or need a relationship, sexual or romantic. Maybe that's just the way I'm coded, I didn't find asexuality/aro until quite a number of years after this realisation.

 

I hope you can find something that works for you.

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Nowhere Girl

Well, it absolutely is frustrating. Yet I never desire to not be asexual. The idea that I could desire sex feels repulsive to me. What I yearn for is not "being like everyone else" (which is an unattainable goal anyway because other people are not all alike), nor other people being more like me - what I desire is sociocultural presence of our lives, an acknowledgement that single people exist, asexual people exist, that not all people have sex, not all people want sex and not all people would like to want sex.

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Hundebengel

I can relate too. I do feel lonely from time to time. But I'm kind of a loner anyways. There was a time where I didn't leave my apartment for about 2 months (except for getting food). But I noticed that you need some social interaction besides the cashier from time to time^^.

The friends I have, I've picked very carefully by hand. Even before I knew about ace and aro orientations I never needed to tell these people that Im usually not interested in these specific human behaviors. Right now, because I've put this much time and effort in this area, my social life is quite full. Even to full sometimes. And if Im not around people, which is usually the case, there is always a project to work on. I did pretty much everything from writing bitcoin trading bots to studying Judaism.

I'd suggest that you try to find a group that has an other purpose than just hanging out since this usually leads to the "Hey hows your girlfriend"-stuff (at least in my experience). For me this is my fraternity. We have a common goal and there is usually not much time to talk about unimportant stuff.

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Scooty
3 hours ago, MightyProphet said:

Hello all,

I'm sorry this is possible more of a rant than a question, but I've been feeling increasingly lonely and wanted to know how much it's related to my asexuality and how others deal with these feelings- if, indeed, you have them at all!

 

I'm in my mid-20s and to be honest, I kind of hate the fact that I'm asexual. I'm at that age where a lot of my friends have been in relationships for years, or have started getting engaged or married, and it just feels incredibly isolating. Every time I go on social media there's a photo of someone on holiday with their other half, and I just can't figure out if that's something I'm jealous of and actually want or I'm just annoyed that everyone is so different to me. I'm out to a lot of my friends but I feel like I get very little consideration when I go out with my friends- all they talk about are their partners/husbands/wives/girlfriends etc. or bring them along and I end up sitting in a corner on my own. I've started avoiding a lot of social events as a result and I don't think that helps at all. Am I crazy for finding it all so frustrating? Are there any methods others have to avoid being isolated? Or alternatively, do I just flat out need to find some better friends?

 

Hey there! :) I can relate to you 100%! I just discovered my own orientation. It took my 2-3 years, but I finally figured it out! I came to AVEN about 2 years ago, but after another 2 years of attempted dating, I finally figured out I'm asexual (or at least fall under the umbrella of asexuality). I am currently going through the exact same thing. I think I've been wanting companionship FOREVER, but whenever I attempted to date, it was always about sex or had to be physically intimate. Argh! nope! not for me! I eventually started to listen to my instincts and learned I'm ace.

 

However, now that I've ruling out dating for a while, at least until I can figure out how to date as an asexual, I've found I'm increasingly anxious and somewhat angry? I think it's because, well, dating is already hard! now that I've found myself an orientation to match, dating will have to be a little bit more tricky. Whenever I go onto Facebook, I get the exact same feelings. I see people getting married, or celebrating anniversaries with their boyfriend or girlfriend, and I can't help but feel hurt or left out.  Asexuality is a hard subject, and basically only my therapist knows I'm asexual. I haven't come out to anybody yet, and don't quite plan to. You're not crazy! It is frustrating! oh so frustrating! Talking to my therapist helps a lot. What's helped me is to come back to AVEN and to seek out local ace groups on Facebook.I'm lucky to have a small, but local ace group in my town. I would try to look at Facebook as a resource instead of a place of frustration and loneliness. I've found a small handful of ace groups, and maybe you can too?

 

Best of luck! and shoot me a message if you ever need anyone to talk to! :) 

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Lemon Ice Tea

This is basically the story of me life. One thing I found was I hang out with older people. I hang out with this lady from my work who’s in her sixties. In her case, her kids are all grown and don’t live in the same state and her husband has sadly passed away. It feels so much better to hang out with her then to hang out with my cousins and their kids and spouses.

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œddy
4 hours ago, Lemon Ice Tea said:

This is basically the story of me life. One thing I found was I hang out with older people. I hang out with this lady from my work who’s in her sixties. In her case, her kids are all grown and don’t live in the same state and her husband has sadly passed away. It feels so much better to hang out with her then to hang out with my cousins and their kids and spouses.

Amen to that, it took me a long time but don't let yourself be embarrassed by your friends ages. If anything, its the stage of life people are at that makes the difference. People who's kids have moved away suddenly have a load of free time and act like people in their 30's :) 

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ryn2

Regardless of orientation it’s always hard when everyone in your age/friend group hits a life stage (college, serious relationships, career success, marriage, kids, divorce, retirement, major travel, etc.) and your life Just. Isn’t. There.  They’re all excited about the Big New Thing and all they want to do is squee about it, and there you are on the outside feeling worse than you would have if you’d stayed home.

 

It sucks.

 

I second/third/fourth all the posters who’ve suggested finding an activity or cause you enjoy and finding a group that engages in it.  Things that draw a mixed age group are best because when people are in all different places there’s more conversational variety and less of a sense of you v. everyone.

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MightyProphet

Thanks for all the advice and sympathy everyone, I can always rely on people on AVEN to understand! 

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Philip027
On 9/11/2018 at 8:36 AM, MightyProphet said:

Every time I go on social media there's a photo of someone on holiday with their other half, and I just can't figure out if that's something I'm jealous of and actually want or I'm just annoyed that everyone is so different to me.

Probably the latter.  If you were jealous of that specifically, you'd know.  And we'd probably know, too.  For instance, because this thread would be more about pining for a romantic partnership rather than expressing irritation at your friends.

 

On 9/11/2018 at 8:36 AM, MightyProphet said:

Or alternatively, do I just flat out need to find some better friends?

Would probably help.

 

My partner has a friend from work that she's brought to our home on a few occasions, and she's specifically mentioned to us that she enjoys hanging out with us because we don't have her feeling like a third wheel, which is presumably something she had experienced before with other couples.

 

I'm not really a social butterfly myself though, so I don't really experience loneliness.

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FireKnight

I truly think being either ace or aro in this society is the hardest thing to be, mainly because we seem to live in a very hypersexual culture. It seems to be more common place to actually have an open relationship or multiple partners then no partner at all. Even when I try to explain it to friends or family, the normal line seems to constantly be "the right one is out there." and other nonsense. Personally I think the key is don't beat yourself up or measure yourself by their yard stick. Find activities you enjoy, meet friends with them, and enjoy your life. You don't have to justify why you're single, merely dating isn't something you're interested in and let it drop there.

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chandrakirti

@MightyProphet, you're in a central area of the UK where there are loads of AVEN meet ups, that would be a first step, you never know!

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Richard_Oz
On 9/11/2018 at 10:36 PM, MightyProphet said:

Hello all,

I'm sorry this is possible more of a rant than a question, but I've been feeling increasingly lonely and wanted to know how much it's related to my asexuality and how others deal with these feelings- if, indeed, you have them at all!

 

I'm in my mid-20s and to be honest, I kind of hate the fact that I'm asexual. I'm at that age where a lot of my friends have been in relationships for years, or have started getting engaged or married, and it just feels incredibly isolating. Every time I go on social media there's a photo of someone on holiday with their other half, and I just can't figure out if that's something I'm jealous of and actually want or I'm just annoyed that everyone is so different to me. I'm out to a lot of my friends but I feel like I get very little consideration when I go out with my friends- all they talk about are their partners/husbands/wives/girlfriends etc. or bring them along and I end up sitting in a corner on my own. I've started avoiding a lot of social events as a result and I don't think that helps at all. Am I crazy for finding it all so frustrating? Are there any methods others have to avoid being isolated? Or alternatively, do I just flat out need to find some better friends?

 

OMG That is so me!!!

 

I hate that I am on the ace spectrum. Whenever I interact with friends/colleagues/family members I feel like vermin, like I am a lesser being, to some extent not even human. They all have wonderful personal/sexual lives and all the associated joys that go with it and I always feel isolated, watching and brooding with envy from a distance.

 

Trust me I get all that. 

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but to be honest, I don't believe it is something we can get over. 

The way I see it, the best I can hope for is to learn to get used to the sour feeling NOT getting over it and/or accepting it.  

 

 

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Mellifluent
16 hours ago, Richard_Oz said:

 

OMG That is so me!!!

 

I hate that I am on the ace spectrum. Whenever I interact with friends/colleagues/family members I feel like vermin, like I am a lesser being, to some extent not even human. They all have wonderful personal/sexual lives and all the associated joys that go with it and I always feel isolated, watching and brooding with envy from a distance.

 

Trust me I get all that. 

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but to be honest, I don't believe it is something we can get over. 

The way I see it, the best I can hope for is to learn to get used to the sour feeling NOT getting over it and/or accepting it.  

 

 

I've seen many aces in AVEN that are so happy with their asexuality and they could get along with all the aspects of it very well. I, personally, never found that kinda peace tho!! It's been 6 years since i identified myself as an sexual and it never got easy and never even got used to it!! So i know what u say, however it's not general!!

.

.

.

and to answer to ur question, @MightyProphet, i have to say i tried workout!! I mean, ofc it didnt fill up the huge hole that asexuality brought to my life, but it helped me alot to focus my energy and attention in somewhere else; at least during the day!! so i dont have to pity myself 24!!(it's now limited to nights that i'm almost done working and exercising) .

So yeah, exercising, workout, sweating and all the physical pressure kinda helped me!!

 

wish u the best!!

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Laplace

It’s not really a mindset someone can just adopt but I’ve grown very comfortable with being “alone” (I still got family and friends; that’s all I need). I inherently have a somewhat solitary personality, so I don’t feel incomplete for not having some sort of partner. The only thing that bothers me about being independent is that people always pester you about how you need to have someone to be happy. It bothers me more that people bug me about never dating, having sex, or seeking a relationship than the actual fact that I’ve never dated, had sex, or sought a relationship 😠.

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œddy
12 hours ago, Laplace said:

It’s not really a mindset someone can just adopt but I’ve grown very comfortable with being “alone” (I still got family and friends; that’s all I need). I inherently have a somewhat solitary personality, so I don’t feel incomplete for not having some sort of partner. The only thing that bothers me about being independent is that people always pester you about how you need to have someone to be happy. It bothers me more that people bug me about never dating, having sex, or seeking a relationship than the actual fact that I’ve never dated, had sex, or sought a relationship 😠.

Or in words I found somewhere on this forum, "I don't need another half, I'm already whole"

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Roidgy

If all else fails, I got DID baBY!!!

 

if you can't make friends, you gotta MAKE friends ;y

 

its kept me alive for nearly a decade and it only Gets Stronger. Lately tho I have been going on aven more for socialization, tho when I live on my farm in Alabaman in a few years I can hopefully cut out all contact with other humans. Just me and the Brain People 

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