Supporting Mum Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 Hello. i am looking for some advice on the best way I can support my 20 year old daughter who has just ended her first relationship with her boyfriend as she has recently come to the conclusion she is asexual. Whilst the break up was difficult, she felt it would be unfair to place sexual constraints on her BF at such a young age. She is a very shy and nervous girl and has stated that she will probably never want a relationship which I respect. I am extremely proud of the way she dealt with this and told her this but I am looking for advice on how I can best support her moving forward. Many thanks Link to post Share on other sites
LP1204 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 First off, it’s amazing that you’re so accepting of your daughter. It would be nice if my parents were like you. The only advice I can give would be to just check in with your daughter every once in a while to see how she’s feeling and if her thoughts on having a relationship have changed. If you can stay in the loop with how she’s feeling, then you can better support her. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 @Supporting Mum Welcome to AVEN! I don't know what advice I can give, as I've never come out as Asexual to my family. Maybe this will help? http://www.whatisasexuality.com/family-and-friends/parents/ Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 I think the best you can do is accept and support. Make it clear that you love her no matter what, and that she is free to live her life as she wishes. One thing to also get across, is that she is *always* free to live as she wishes, and that includes changing or not changing over time. Link to post Share on other sites
All The Thoughts Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 I think the others have basically said it. Really, you’ve done an amazing job so far and that’s amazing! What you can do now is just check up on her every once-in-a-while to make sure she’s doing okay (you did say it was pretty hard for her after all). All that can really be done is let time do its thing and move on with your lives as best as you can. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 Welcome! These might help you understand a bit more, and get a good idea of ways to support her http://www.asexualityarchive.com/a-parents-guide-to-asexuality/ http://maaple.org.uk/ https://www.vox.com/culture/2018/3/26/16291562/asexuality-tv-history-bojack-shadowhunters-game-of-thrones https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/women/im-asexual-and-this-is-how-i-show-love-to-my-partner/ http://www.asexualawarenessweek.com/ Link to post Share on other sites
MissUnderstood Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 It's so heartwarming to read about a mother so accepting about it. I think she needs to know that she needs to be more careful when dating. My advice is to always try to become friends with the person first and then explain about my asexuality first. I've had many issues with men who say it's okay and then after three months they're fed up and give the ultimatums. But it's not impossible to find a good guy, it just took me a while. I'm so happy that your daughter was strong enough to end it instead of letting herself be forced to do things she doesn't want to. But when she does find the right person, the relationship will be based around a love that doesn't rely on the physical to keep it strong, it's a very rewarding kind of relationship I think. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 My advice is related to what happens if your daughter would rather stay single -- it's great that you validate that choice. There can be a lot of pressure to be in a relationship, and that's an awful bind if she feels she'd rather not! And... if she does end up staying single, I'd suggest making an extra effort to stay in touch over the years. An ace that's close to me (not my partner!) has been single for many years. I think this may be how they'll be their whole life going forward, too. And -- they wouldn't admit it to me -- but I got the sense that sometimes they feel isolated when it feels like everyone else has hitched up, started families... I'm so busy, as a parent of young kids. I was relieved when I heard a relative was checking in & chatting with them. You could remember to be that person for your daughter. It's not an immediate thing, but something you can do in the years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 It’s great that you’re so caring and accepting! The only thing I want to add is that your daughter may change her mind about finding a new (ace, perhaps, or not) partner over time. You sound like you’ll be able to roll with it regardless... Link to post Share on other sites
To Each Their Own Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 I just wanted to chime in as someone who is an aromantic asexual. If your daughter says she doesn’t want to date anyone and you say that you respect her, then I wouldn’t follow people’s advice to check and see if she’s changed her mind. You wouldn’t have checked up on her before when you thought she was straight to see if she had changed her mind about that. The reason why I am saying this is because it can come across as pressuring her to change her mind, or as you being uncomfortable with her not being coupled up with someone…anyone. Female aromatic asexuals (if your daughter is one) get a lot of messages that they are just a waste of space if they are not coupled with someone (especially a man). Probably the best thing you can do is just validate her as a precious human being that has something of value to contribute to this world because of who she is (not because of what people can do with her). Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 On 9/10/2018 at 1:52 AM, Supporting Mum said: I am extremely proud of the way she dealt with this and told her this but I am looking for advice on how I can best support her moving forward. Do nothing differently than what you always do. If she can confide about a break up and asexuality and you land up here looking for advice on how to support her, you're already doing the right thing. She can count on you to understand her. There is no need to do anything specifically. Deciding to never have a relationship is simply a disclosure of her state of mind. Not a task for you to address. For that matter, it isn't something set in stone either. All it means at the tail end of a hard break up is an overall feeling of pessimism about relationships. It is irrelevant to sexuality. TONs of sexuals swear "never again" after a break up too. Only exception I can think of is if some time goes without her showing any interest in a relationship, and you come across something that may be a good idea for someone planning to be single long term, feel free to suggest it to her, just like you'd suggest wedding or honeymoon ideas to an offspring planning to marry. Say for example a fabulous house close to relatives being up for sale if she is the family type. Also try not to extrapolate choices for her. For example, if she isn't planning to be in a relationship again, don't automatically talk like she won't give you grandkids - you don't seem the type to do that kind of crap, just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Supporting Mum Posted September 14, 2018 Author Share Posted September 14, 2018 Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I will heed all of your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
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