How do you respond when someone asks you why you don't have boyfriend/girlfriend?

[SithLord]

Well, I haven't been asked it in a long time, but mostly from family who think we should all be social butterflies. 

 

So if they asked why I was single I'd say I was focused on school (my sister's favorite reason) or too busy in general.

If they asked me now (even though I'm not single, I'm being hypothetical), I'd probably say it was because I was an introvert who preferred the company people through a computer. It wouldn't make them back off, but that's what I'd say.

[Leilamy]

I don't really get asked that, but I think I'd straight up say that I'm asexual & don't know my romantic orientation yet.

From what little experience I have, people either already knew what asexuality was, or just hummed & didn't care enough to ask for précisions.

[Alawyn-Aebt]

Really depends who asks, if its family asking then usually I will make a sarcastic comment and usually when they do ask it is in jest anyways. If it is friends/acquaintances asking then usually I will turn their own description of me as a reason why I don't have a girlfriend.

 

This was my actual response to when the closest person I have had to a friend asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend:

"Could you imagine how a hypothetical girlfriend of mine would be? You yourself said I was a 'mix of Sherlock Holmes and Snape' with a 'streak of evil ambition', a 'stone-cold yet somehow caring heart', a 'love of arguments', and someone with very 'crazy particularities'. Do you know anyone who would even tolerate me as a girlfriend?"

His answer, "No."

 

Never was asked why I lacked a girlfriend by him again.

[Catpaws]

I usually just shrug and say "haven't found one yet." They don't need to know that the "yet" will probably never come.

 

If it's someone I don't know well, I'd just shrug and probably walk away or say "none of your business."

[Dreamer23]

Usually I just give a non-committal "more focused on other things", but now that I think about it - this is a fundamentally weird question.

 

45.2% of adults in the US are single (and I imagine the numbers are similar in other countries)

--> A group that is almost half the population should not be something to inquire about 😮  That's like asking "So why do you have brown hair?" - doesn't really make all that much sense 😕 

[SithLord]

2 hours ago, Dreamer23 said:

 

45.2% of adults in the US are single (and I imagine the numbers are similar in other countries)

Specific statistic. Source? Not questioning it, just curious to the definition of "single". To many, "single" means not married, but in common usage it means not dating anyone. 

[natsume]

Single in demographics means unmarried and nothing more. You could even be engaged. We use single as "available" while the government simply uses it as unmarried for tax purposes.

[Dreamer23]

37 minutes ago, SithGrinch said:

Specific statistic. Source? Not questioning it, just curious to the definition of "single". To many, "single" means not married, but in common usage it means not dating anyone. 

US Census Bureau (2016), and yes, this is counting unmarried adults. ( https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/newsroom/facts-for-features/2017/cb17-ff16.pdf )

Even if you subtract unmarried couple households it's not that much less. Heck, even if you would subtract people dating but not co-habitating (at which point seriously, why is someone asking you questions to that degree of detail about your private life?! 😮 ) - the point would stand that it's not a number that's easily discountable!  Make it blond hair then if you want 😜

[natsume]

The census does not measure anything related to dating so using it would be misusing statistics. Here is relevant data:

 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/03/21/its-not-just-you-new-data-shows-more-than-half-young-people-america-dont-have-romantic-partner/

 

"Just over half of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 — 51 percent of them — said they do not have a steady romantic partner, according to data from the General Social Survey released this week"

[SithLord]

3 minutes ago, Dreamer23 said:

(at which point seriously, why is someone asking you questions to that degree of detail about your private life?! 😮 )

I studied Sociology. People will ask you all sorts of weird questions to get information. For my final project (I think it was in stats? I forget which class, but we were using the databases from a bunch of different census and survey results) I compared religiosity across religion. I think I had to make it specifically Black and White since those are what I remember. The results were obvious, but I had to use 3 or 4 different measures for religiosity that included stuff like "How often you go to church", "how much you think your deity plays a roll in your life", etc. etc. 

 

So people asking if you're married, if you're dating, if you're cohabitating, etc. isn't that unexpected. The truely wonderful questions are which sexual positions you prefer or have experiences, how many orgasms you've had in the past (time frame), etc. Because yes, some people do indeed study that kind of stuff. It was definitely and interesting read to find that apparently not all cultures treat sex the way we do. 

[Chihiro]

3 hours ago, natsume said:

"Just over half of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 — 51 percent of them — said they do not have a steady romantic partner, according to data from the General Social Survey released this week"

"Steady romantic partner", which means many have unsteady romantic partners despite being single.

 

Someone like me stands out because I make no attempt to date (for obvious reason-asexuality) and turn down being set up. Hence, I am likely to get that question. Whereas, I have known people who have fuck-buddy arrangements or who seem to change partners every month or who are making attempts to look for partners.... who all call themselves single but yet, they don't get asked 'why don't you have a partner' question. In fact, they are likely to get asked 'when are you planning to get married' etc.

 

So yeah, being single isn't that common. I dunno any friend/acquaintance/friend's friends/family friends who are single in their 30s. People have almost stopped asking me the questions, they probably think I am a looser.

[natsume]

Yes, I'd guess that by age 20 the percentage of truly available single people is under 20%, and 10% by 30.

[acematt]

On 9/9/2018 at 6:12 AM, Ortac said:

I have a question which is aimed primarily towards single aces. If someone asks you why you do not have a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner or whatever, what do you say?

 

There are two parts to this question:

• what would you say when the person is asking respectfully and it is a sincere question being asked out of genuine curiosity?

• and what would you say when it is asked in a derogatory or snide manner or in any way which has a disrespectful undertone?

 

I am hoping for some good ideas which will be useful for me and anyone else who finds it difficult to answer that question. Thanks! 

I simply don't want a girlfriend and don't need one. I'm happy and content without one. If someone has a problem with that then that is their problem. Enough said. 

[Chihiro]

Even among asexuals, I have come across many who claim to be singles who technically aren't single... at least not the way I am. Many have friends-with-benefits or are romantically involved with someone (for whatever reason it is not going to be a relationship) or they get all the benefits of a partner from a friend (non romantic benefits, so they call themselves aro). So yeah, people who proudly claim to be single since X years conveniently leave out the part that they have the things that I just mentioned.

[natsume]

You could respond like this

[Chihiro]

^Ha, thats so funny. I probably heard this somewhere but I should start saying that "I have medically diagnosed bad personality" 😂

[banana monkey]

Depends who is asking. If I'm ok with them knowing a bit about my identity, i may explain that its difficult to find someone. 

If not, its the simple answer of havent met the right personyet /anyone im interested in recently.  . (This is often extended in the case of the above to explain the characteristics I need). ISometimes I point out this the same as any single person. If i'm really close to the person I may explain that being demiromantic means its hard to do traditional dating. 

[Guest]

I tell them I don't want one, then they tell me I do, then I tell them I don't, then they say "OK" but obviously don't believe me, then I hope they never speak to me again.

[Lunala]

I'm not interested.

 

Simple.

[acematt]

On 11/30/2019 at 4:38 PM, KYON. said:

I tell them I don't want one, then they tell me I do, then I tell them I don't, then they say "OK" but obviously don't believe me, then I hope they never speak to me again.

Good for you. Don't back down or give in to them. They simply don't understand us asexuals. They're from Mars and we're from Venus. If they don't respect your feelings then they are not worth being friends with. 

[doggalogga]

"Because less than 1% are suitable for me."

 

I get asked if I want family. I really don't.

I like animals, and I just would love a life partner.

 

Of course, they don't know that.

 

My father thought I may have been in the closet as I had never dated, even to my late 20s. Can't light a fire when there's no kindling...

[Janus the Fox]

4 hours ago, doggalogga said:

"Because less than 1% are suitable for me."

I like this response as in reality for everyone, less than 1% of people could ever be considered in a person to person relationship regardless of orientation.

 

Roughly mines like 0.0001% or something like 4.21X10^-7😛

[DarkStormyKnight]

"because I'm single and don't want to mingle" -> I probably wouldn't use this on family but friends sure

"because I'm a strong independent woman who does not need a man!" then make a muscle and leave -> this one can be fun sometimes

[Euna]

It really depends who asks.  I usually smile and say "I'm not interested."

 

Once when the topic came up with my grandparents, I told them the (then-true) story of how the guy I liked had moved to California and found love with someone else.  It was suitably conclusive and wonderfully tragic.  Unfortunately, I've long got over him so I can't use that one anymore.  😂

[Artila]

"I am rather single than with the wrong person so I am very picky"

 

Which is a good part of the truth, the other part being that I must learn to love myself before I can committ to a stable relationship.

[thanksbutno]

I usually say that I’m quite content with my group of friends and thus don’t really need a partner. 

[RogueAceOfHearts]

If it's a sincere question from a person you know well, you should be able to answer honestly (whatever that means for you)

 

Sincere question from a stranger/acquaintance, you can say you have other stuff you'd rather be doing or that you are more focused on other things

 

Snarky answer: how about you learn to mind your business before you try to talk to me?

 

Snarky answer: is that really any of your concern? At all? In any universe?

 

 

I particularly liked the one (from sites below, can't remember which) where it says something like 'I'm busy with world domination, takes up a lot of my time.'

 

 

Here are some more. Sorry they're not from me, but there are some hilarious ones.

https://www.elitedaily.com/life/culture/brilliant-responses-when-single/1340902

 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2015/08/19/34-creative-answers-for-when-youre-asked-the-still-single-question-for-the-1000th-time-5350770/amp/

[weird elf]

Depends. Very much.

 

One of my standard replies is "No more humans in my life, too hard to keep and cause nothing but trouble". That will shut most people up.

A friend of mine recently wanted to set me up with another person. I told her that that was a very bad idea and promised to explain why - so a while later we went for a walk and I guess you could call it a kind of coming out that took place, but mostly I told her about my past experience with sexual people and how I arrived at the conclusion that relationships are more trouble than they're worth. We had a bit of a bet going that she herself would prove me right, and she did (she's a very sexual person though, so I kinda knew she would). She never brought it up again.