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How do you respond when someone asks you why you don't have boyfriend/girlfriend?


Ortac

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I usually say that I don't need one at the moment and that I don't miss anything. Sometimes I add that I'm not interested in dating solely for the sake of being with someone. A lot of people I know get themselves a partner just because they don't want to be alone - and I never got that concept... 

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LadyWallflower

I say that at the moment I'm very happy alone. And then I say (with a Supergirl pose) "I am a single lady!"

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If someone is asking respectfully, I would probably tell them that I'm just not interested and leave it at that. It depends, though. Lately I've been actually telling more people that I'm asexual (which usually requires me to explain things). Sometimes I'm not up for a long Q&A, so I'll just stick with the whole "not interested" thing. 

 

If someone is asking and they're being a dink about it, I usually keep it short and sweet. I tell 'em that I'm not interested with a big ass grin on my face. The look on their face after that is usually quite priceless! 😁

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If it’s asked politely, I’ll simply say, “I’m just not really interested in having one right now.”

 

If it gets irritating, I’ll go full ***** mode and say something like, “The concept bores me half to death, and I find it to be a complete waste of time and resources.” Having a really scathing attitude about romance tends to stun people for a short time so you can end the conversation immediately afterwards.

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On 9/9/2018 at 7:12 AM, Ortac said:

1) what would you say when the person is asking respectfully and it is a sincere question being asked out of genuine curiosity?

2) and what would you say when it is asked in a derogatory or snide manner or in any way which has a disrespectful undertone?

1) Depends on if I've talked with the person long enough to gauge whether or not they'd understand about asexuality or not, or if I haven't talked to them much at all.  If I'm pretty sure they'd understand about asexuality, I'd just tell them that I'm ace and even though I am interested in terms of just a relationship, I'm not interested in them for bedroom antics.  As well as the fact that I'm not really 'putting myself out there' because for 2 reasons: 1) I'd rather make whatever relationships I have count for something and not just be short-term dating, so I'm not interested in rushing into a relationship, and 2) my life is pretty unstable atm and I would rather make sure that those issues are fixed before I think about trying to for a relationship.

 

If I don't think they'd understand about asexuality or I haven't talked to them much, I'd just tell them that my life is too chaotic right now to worry about a relationship.

 

2) My response would probably be "I don't see how it affects you what my personal life is like."

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To friends:

"You never want a boyfriend? Ever?"

"Nope. It's called being asexual." (I tend to avoid explaining romantic orientations)

 

To family members:

"No boyfriend yet? Why not?"

"Lot's of reasons."

"Like what?"

"Do you want me to write an essay?"

 

To associates or classmates:

"Don't you ever want a boyfriend?....or girlfriend....?"  "Why not?"

"Why would I? I've got friends; that's good enough for me."

"But that's not the same..."

"How's it different?"  

And they can never respond because they don't want to say the word "sex." :) 

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It's usually my family who ask me so I either Shrug or tell them I'm not interested.

I don't tend to use my labels (I always feel like using labels they might not've heard of will make them more inclined to overreact and stop listening) so just "I'm not interested in dating". I scrunch my face up in disgust for good measure lmfao

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I usually say I'm not interested in any relationships , but if pressed further I'll happily tell the truth - I'm old enough (and ugly enough) to deal with the consequences (which can be minimal at my age).

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I just tell them that I'm too busy because I work a lot of hours and am always tired. If asked in a snide manner, I would just tell them it's none of their business. The only people who pester me are nosy coworkers, and I don't feel the need to explain anything to them.

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Calligraphette_Coe

I tell them that I feel more comfortable alone. That I don't need someone else to "Complete Me'.  

 

If they seem trustworthy and/or not haughty, I tell them that I'm an asexual. I don't have to tell them I'm androgynous, that's always on display.

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I generally tell people that I don't and I'm too busy to have one. 

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My first reaction regardless if to laugh and go "me date?" and look at them like their stupid.  That stops most conversations.  If they push, depending on who it is I'll either come out or ask why I "need" a husband.

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When asked politely, my answer is usually along the lines of:
"I'm happily single, and I haven't met anyone yet that's convinced me to change that status."

When the question is rude, I usually go with:
"Because my main goal in life is to strike fear into the hearts of men - not date them."

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I usually say that I don't have any time to spare for a relationship. Which is half true.

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I could also get away with "Have you seen my face?" :D

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I'm not asexual but I'm demisexual and I haven't been on a date for many years. Also I would not be interested in going on a date except in the highly improbable event that I was attracted to a person who was available and reciprocated my feelings. To be clear, at present I am not attracted to anyone and I often go several years without being attracted to anyone. Right now I feel like I won't ever have those feelings again, but I've thought that before and it turned out otherwise.

 

Anyway, if someone asks me why I am single I shrug and say that I don't have much interest. But the key is to say it very cheerfully. If they follow up at all I'm prepared to enthuse in detail and at length about the many awesome activities and interests that fill the time that I might be wasting on lousy dates if I didn't understand and accept myself. 

 

I am middle aged and I feel more happy and confident than at any previous time in my life. When I was younger questions like that were more hurtful. So I realize this is easier for me to say than for many people to do. But, I recommend being relentlessly cheerful in response to such questions. Like, it has just never occurred to you that being single could be anything less than awesome. If the questioner is trying to be mean, act like you haven't noticed their tone and stay super proud and happy. They will soon give up. And if the questioner is just curious or sincerely concerned, you may give them a new perspective and provide a positive role model for any other single people who are listening.

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On 9/18/2018 at 1:42 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

I often go several years without being attracted to anyone.

My first thought at reading that was "That often?"

 

I guess I really am ace :ph34r:

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Either way I simply say that I'm happy by myself, it has been said before but I keep it simple. If the person gets aggressive or rude then I know how to get there too haha

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On 9/9/2018 at 12:31 PM, Purple Wanderer said:

Stare straight into their eyes. Be as deadpan as you can and say "but I do have a girlfriend... shes sat right next to you and she keep telling me to burn things..." 

 

Or... if you still want friends. I usually answer with "so?"

Amazing 

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I usually respond with "I don't date" followed by "i have no interest" if there's a follow up. My tone changes depending on if the person is being mean or just genuinely interested. 

 

My boss, who we call dad at work, apparently suspected something and continued the conversation. After making sure I was comfortable talking about It, Pops asked how I identified and so I told her. Dad was the first person I've come out to in 6 years.

 

Dad and my shift lead then went about explaining to our other co-worker who was with us at the time since she didn't know anything about it and I was having trouble talking. I actually got dizzy I was so nervous.  

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Although I'm demisexual, I'm just not that bothered. I'm back into dating sure but only because I feel confident and I may change my mind at any time because experiences haven't been positive this past year. So a little bit of it is because the last two relationships ended with a lot of emotional pain as one left to the USA for another woman and the other just faded out and said it was because of work. He didn't have the guts to tell me what was going on, well neither did.

 

So a lot of it is I am wary of being so vulnerable again, especially as the first of those two denied that they knew how I felt about them as well as mocked that I was very open with my feelings about him. It is very hard to trust that somebody else isn't going to be so careless with your heart. Why invest so much effort into what may just be another disappointment and abuse of my trust? I'm hopeful somehow despite how bitter I may sound.

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I just tell them the truth, that I lost interest in women when I was 47.

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Hermit Advocate

"My cat would get jealous." 

 

But really, I just say I'm not interested in a relationship; and if they pester me about it I tell them that it's not their damn business what my relationship status is.

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Back to Avalon

A couple of thoughts on this (numbers don't correspond to the question in the OP):

 

#1: Years ago, someone wrote to advice columnist Carolyn Hax about a family member who badgered her about not being in a relationship. The family member went so far as to say the woman should ride the subway holding a sign that read, "I'm single and desperate." Carolyn advised the woman to look her relative straight in the eye and say, "Do I make you uncomfortable?"

 

#2: People think they have the right to demand explanations when a person doesn't conform to what's considered "normal." Back when vegetarianism was considered "out there," I would get questions and comments about being a vegetarian. As someone who is quiet by nature, I sometimes get "You're awfully quiet," as if I need it pointed out to me. I think people have every right to turn the question or comment back on the other person. Many years ago, when my loud cousin said, "You're awfully quiet," I wish I had thought to say, "You're awfully loud!" Aces can do the same thing when they feel they're expected to explain themselves: "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" "Why do you?" (or "Why do you think I need one?" or whatever fits the situation)

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I simply say that I don't want a partner. Sometimes I jokingly say that I'm not looking for troubles.  I usually don't bother explaining that you can love someone in many different ways without being a couple, as it's beyond the experience of most.

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Chocolatastic AroAce
On 9/9/2018 at 4:12 AM, Ortac said:

I have a question which is aimed primarily towards single aces. If someone asks you why you do not have a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner or whatever, what do you say?

 

There are two parts to this question:

• what would you say when the person is asking respectfully and it is a sincere question being asked out of genuine curiosity?

• and what would you say when it is asked in a derogatory or snide manner or in any way which has a disrespectful undertone? 

 

I am hoping for some good ideas which will be useful for me and anyone else who finds it difficult to answer that question. Thanks! 

I just tell people I'm busy/ not looking for anything right now. That's all I really can do unless I want to open up a can of worms by trying to explain that i'm an Aro/ace and what that means.

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I'm out to everyone, but I still get asked this. If it's asked politely, I'll be blunt and say I'm looking for a girl who identifies as ace, too.

 

I'm a troll and use wit when someone is being a jerk about it. My three favorite ones are:

1. My standards are too high

2. I'm a Non Playing Character

3. I'm in a loving relationship with myself 

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