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How do you respond when someone asks you why you don't have boyfriend/girlfriend?


Ortac

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I have a question which is aimed primarily towards single aces. If someone asks you why you do not have a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner or whatever, what do you say?

 

There are two parts to this question:

• what would you say when the person is asking respectfully and it is a sincere question being asked out of genuine curiosity?

• and what would you say when it is asked in a derogatory or snide manner or in any way which has a disrespectful undertone?

 

I am hoping for some good ideas which will be useful for me and anyone else who finds it difficult to answer that question. Thanks! 

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Short answer: "Where's the benefit?"

Medium length answer "Ain't nobody got time for that shit."

Longer answer #1: "Find me someone who makes me feel like a last-minute winner in an away match does and I'll reconsider."

Longer answer #2: "I work with people all day. Just leave me alone after that."

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Forest Spirit

2) asked in a mean way: I'd probably say something short like 'reasons', 'none of your bussiness' (because you won't get a genuine answer from me if you start out mean)

1) asked in a nice way due to actual interest: try to explain my situation as best as possible (being ace, demi-'liking people a lot' and therefore not actively trying to 'meet someone', being introverted and trying to be happy with what I have atm so certain friendships, hobbies, uni etc.) but only going more in depth if I trust the person enough

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Nice way: I haven't found someone I'm interested in yet

 

Mean way: I don't have time for that and who needs relationships anyways?

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Nice question: "I am not really interested in having a relationship, never been. I'm fine like this." Possibly joke about some nice things about living alone that most people can relate to. Or an anecdote. I almost wish I had more opportunities to refer to myself as 'unromanceable' which is a term that shows up around crpgs, where some characters have a romance plot. Those who don't are unromanceable^^

 

Judgey question: "That is actually none of your concern." I guess. But in my case, no one has started the with this question in a judgey way. The only annoying stuff I've gotten has been as follow ups on my first 'nah' answer. Things like "How can you know you don't want sex if you haven't tried it." At the time I think I just went some version of "what the shit?" Though I have been able to think our way better arguments for why that's bullshit in hindsight.

 

There is the evercommon "you'll change when you're older/just wait till you meet the right person." to which I suggest shrugging and saying "eh, hasn't happened so far."

 

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I just ask them why they care and such things will generally make them feel stupid and then they leave me alone.

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Anthracite_Impreza

"I don't want one" or "I'm not interested"

No one needs to know any more.

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My relatives ask me every holiday if I have a boyfriend. I'm used to it. I usually reply by saying, "I'm not looking for a relationship" or "I'm focusing on my education."

 

If some random stranger asked, I'd probably say, "Ew. Gross." I don't owe them anything to explain my consequent asexuality/aromanticism, so I just need to let them know that just because I'm not in a relationship, it doesn't make me any less of a person.

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I'm not 'out' as asexual yet, especially because my family is made of traditional Southern Baptists, they just won't understand Asexuality, and will probably try to smite me with a Bible. So I just dance around it, and say "I'm not interested", which isn't a lie. And one older lady once told my mom " I was ruined", because she coddles me and because I've never dated, I didn't say anything because I was so angry, and I was about to start hissing, but my mom stood up for me, if I could have said anything, I probably would have bluntly told her it's none of her business, and "I'm not your gossip fodder."

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People seem to avoid this subject with me. I think they can probably sense some kind of aura of loneliness surrounding me or something. Maybe they just sense that I'm a little "different".

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I just say I'm not interested, or that I like being single. Besides my dad semi-jokingly saying "What's wrong with you?", people have usually been fine with that answer. I've actually had a couple of older women tell me I'm smart for not having a boyfriend :lol:.

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If someone asks me politely, I usually explain my orientation in brief (I'm pretty open about it).

 

If someone is ever blatantly rude about it, I'll probably respond with something along the lines of "Because I actually care enough about having a healthy relationship to wait for it. Unlike some people." *cough, cough, glare at person* Or wish I had responded that way, at any rate. If they want to ask a personal question like it's some kind of insult, then quips about themselves are fair game, in my opinion. Realistically, though, I'd probably only wind up responding with the first sentence of that.

 

And yeah, I've never had someone ask me why I'm single in a rude way before.

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Alejandrogynous

I usually just laugh and, depending on the politeness level of the question, say something to the effect of:

 

"Yeesh, who has the time?" 

 

"Haven't found someone I can stand yet." 

 

"I like my freedom." 

 

"Eh. Sounds like a lot of work." 

 

"Because I like it that way." 

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I usually just say I haven't met anyone I liked or that I am not interested in dating right now. I have never had someone ask me it in a derogatory way before at most just a person persistently digging into the subject. I suppose if someone did as me in a mean or rude way I would just tell them it's none of their damn business. 

 

When people do ask me why I am not dating I try to watch how I answer because usually it's close friends or family and I want to word things in a way where if I come out as asexual later on my previous statements backs up what asexuality is...if that makes sense. So for instance I say I haven't met anyone I liked because that is true in a sense due to not being sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. I don't say I haven't met the right person yet because that reinforces the saying/stereotype that aces haven't met the one to make them not ace. 

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I don't go out of my way to find relationships.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

That response doesn't change based on who's asking.

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When someone is asking respectfully and out of genuine curiosity, I usually just freeze up like a deer in headlights and go silent.

And when someone is asking in a derderogatory or snide manner, I tell them that it's because I'm Asexual, Aromantic, and not interested in a platonic relationship.

 

I feel like it should be the other way round, but I can't help it.

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People sometimes don't understand the concept of aromantic so I just point out the things I like abouy being single.

"I'm independant and happily single! That way, I can be a more devoted friend and I don't have to worry about relationship drama."

 

If it's some rando person, it's not their business. But if it's a friend, I'll say, "oh I'm aromantic asexual, I'm not attracted to anyone that way"

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Purple Wanderer

Stare straight into their eyes. Be as deadpan as you can and say "but I do have a girlfriend... shes sat right next to you and she keep telling me to burn things..." 

 

Or... if you still want friends. I usually answer with "so?"

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"I can't be bothered to figure out a clever way to disregard your non-question."

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I'm not single at the moment, but in the past, if people asked nicely, depending on how i felt i would usually either say:

1.Right now I'm just focusing on work/school/spending time with friends

2.Haven't met anyone yet, haven't really been looking

3.I don't know, but right now it doesn't bother me

 

I've never been asked in a rude or mean way, that'd be pretty odd right? Who would actually care enough to be angry that you didn't have a boyfriend? People are strange.

 

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To Each Their Own

No matter who asks, I usually just tell them that I’m an aromantic asexual. I’ve got no shame about it and i don’t care who knows or what anyone has to say about it. 

 

But if I really can’t be bothered to answer the question, I’d probably just say, “Why is that so important for you to know?”

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If the asker is well meaning, albeit a little nosy/clumsy: 

 

“Don’t worry, I’m not elitist or a prude, I just don’t really want or feel like I need one personally. Friendship is enough for me. And although I’m open to the possibility of engaging in a mutual romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone because life happens, it is by no means a priority for me.”

 

Because you know they’re worried that you think you’re better than them or that you’re trying to shame them for being alloromantic/sexual, which is TOTALLY NOT TRUE. You can like it friend, just don’t expect or force me to, that’s all.

 

 

If the asker is a dick:

 

“Because I don’t need one. Not if YOU’RE applying.” End of conversation.

 

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(I usually just end it after the first part, but am thinking of adding the second part for the creepy askers hitting on me, or otherwise making me uncomfortable). 🤣

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Usually I answer that I'm not interested in relationships.

 

I've never had someone be rude about it, though I've had people get into my business.

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RoseGoesToYale

If someone asked sincerely... I would probably just explain that I want one but don't have one yet, and that it really doesn't bother me that I don't have one at this particular moment, and that I'd rather date someone who also isn't interested in sex. I'd tell the truth, even if it was a stranger.

 

If someone asked derogatorily... "Because the last one hasn't come back from the dry cleaners yet." I'd probably just walk away. Not even worth it to explain.

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I don't think there's any polite way for someone to ask you "Why don't you have a girl/boyfriend?"  It's an intrusive question, and there's no need to feel as though you have to answer it.  

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Fluffy Femme Guy

I've told a few people (who asked nicely) "I'm not interested in any of that."
I've not been asked about it in a rude way. I'd probably respond with "That's none of your business." , "I don't want to." or something similar.

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I haven't had many people ask that question in a long time. I've always used blunt force trauma and been as frank as I could. "I don't care."

 

If they're being somewhat respectful about it and trying to pry a little deeper then I just drop the hammer and get it over with. They never expect you to drop the hammer on them. Well hey, they asked. "I loved somebody and they committed suicide." I've never met a person that can respond to that with any valid reason to go out hunting for more partners. And I suppose I get a kick out of it too. My friend would find it amusing that her passing was being used as a ward to keep people away. I guess that's not super conductive to you though. I really do hope you've not had somebody die on you. Nobody deserves that.

 

When I was more reserved with people, I always shelled out a super vague answer. And if they pried, I just gave them the one two punch. Vague answer followed by "I work a lot and have jobs to do. No time for it."

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The only people who ask me are my parents (I’m a bit of a social hermit lol) “Who needs people when I have cats 😻 they like me and I don’t have to talk to them. Win win situation.”

 

I’m coming out to my parents next month so that should stop them wanting me to date every girl they see lol. It has been the same questions almost every day since high school and I’m 26 lol. It’s so exciting talking to them.

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