Schnee.

to those of you who had sex.

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Schnee.

Hey! 

 

I realize I may be spamming this forum a bit -sorry for that! 

Though I am wondering; how many of you had sex before you realized you were asexual? 

I read a lot of posts of people remaining virgins and always having been disgusted or just not caring. But for me it was different. I had my first time quite early (with 14 ) and even though I felt bored during, and after I felt like it was pretty pointless. But I also thought everyone was like that, that sex was just this overhyped thing and that I just had to "like" it. I also thought it would get better with more experience, but of course it never did and my feelings remained the same. 

It probably took me longer to realize because I was romantically attracted to quite a few people, and I also often liked their looks. I also was never sex repulsed, it just was that thing that I not really cared about, but didn't have a problem with.I always had problems in relationships though, since my now exes often called me "not passionate", "uncaring" etc. I never quite understood why before I found this forum, since I always liked them a lot and thought I showed that.

That may also be why it was difficult to accept that I was asexual; I always thought I was "normal" and maybe just a bit weird in that regard. 

 

Anyway. How did you experience sex, before you knew something was "different"? Or did you just always knew and went along with it? 

 

 

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MichaelTannock

@Schnee. I realised I'm Asexual at around 14, and have never had sex.

I've also only been Aesthetically attracted to someone once in my life, and have never been Romantically attracted to anyone.

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HayaH
3 hours ago, Schnee. said:

I also was never sex repulsed, it just was that thing that I not really cared about, but didn't have a problem with.

Same here. It took very long time to realize that we are not interested having sex with others, at all.

And our attractions weren't of sexual nature. Maybe slightly grayish toward women, but toward men we have zero interests in romantic or sexual way. Only intellectual attraction and deep friendship we feel.

 

When someone is not repulsive, is harder to get it. There's not so clear line for making distinction.

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Cheshire-Cat

I'm demi/Gray. Mostly I'm not bothered by sex. When in a relationship it can be something I desire but I find it never seems to live up to what I'm expecting. 

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Tunhope

I'm one of the older people on the forum. There wasn't the vocabulary around when I was younger to describe asexuality and, with hindsight, I can see that I confused romantic attraction and aesthetic attraction  with sexual attraction. I never actively enjoyed sex,  but I did it because it seemed to come under the 'attraction banner'. I'm still  romantically attracted to my husband, but somewhere along the line (actually, about forty years ago) I realised I couldn't stand the idea of actually doing anything. No kissing, no intimate touching,  no penetration.  I only acquired  the vocabulary that describes this mindset  recently. Incidentally, we managed to work our differences out, but I know that many couples don't.

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daveb

Similar to @Tunhope, as an older ace I didn't have the vocabulary to realize I was ace when I was younger. As a very shy and awkward person I never had the chance to try sex until I was quite a bit older, so I didn't even realize it wouldn't be something I wouldn't be into. It wasn't until I actually tried it (and kept trying) and finding that it just wasn't doing anything for me and then finding out about asexuality that I finally was able to put it all together.

 

5 minutes ago, Tunhope said:

with hindsight, I can see that I confused romantic attraction and aesthetic attraction  with sexual attraction.

And this! Yay for education and visibility! :) 

 

Maybe it's clearer for aromantic aces?

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HayaH
23 minutes ago, Tunhope said:

, I can see that I confused romantic attraction and aesthetic attraction  with sexual attraction.

Same, just to add intellectual attraction confused with sexual, in our case

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The Angel of Eternity

Speaking of which, @HayaH, is it intellectual attraction you feel towards me through the conversations we've had?

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HayaH
Just now, The Angel of Eternity said:

is it intellectual attraction you feel towards me through the conversations we've had?

Yes, we would call it intellectual attraction, being eager to exchange wisdom and knowledge with someone who responds the same on these 'wavelengths of mind' which are parts of mutual understanding, for example.

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The Angel of Eternity
18 minutes ago, HayaH said:

Yes, we would call it intellectual attraction, being eager to exchange wisdom and knowledge with someone who responds the same on these 'wavelengths of mind' which are parts of mutual understanding, for example.

Intellectual attraction is a good name for it, but I have called it spiritual attraction, as well. Maybe it could be both? Also, I'd say I'm intellectually/spiritually attracted to you guys, as well!

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Distortedmotion

I went on a mad mission last year, I was 38 and still a virgin. So I joined tinder + pof and just dated 4-5 ladies over the space of a few months.
Sadly the intimacy bit felt like I had to fake it, I felt terrible but went along with it. Every date ended with sex but it felt unnatural to me. Like a chore?


It sent me into a bit of depression to be honest, realising that I really was asexual. Then I remembered joining here a few years back!
I'm reassured that I'm not the only one, that makes me feel part of the human race again. Thanks AVEN

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Sweet Potato
14 hours ago, Schnee. said:

and even though I felt bored during, and after I felt like it was pretty pointless. But I also thought everyone was like that, that sex was just this overhyped thing and that I just had to "like" it. I also thought it would get better with more experience, but of course it never did and my feelings remained the same.

 Same for me here

 

I was 22 when I had my first time, and spent the next several years trying to figure out how to like it, or at least how not to be turned off by it. Really wish I had heard the term Asexual a decade or so earlier than I did.

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oldsoulvocalist

I first heard about asexuality when I was 14 or 15, and I acknowledged that it might apply to me. This was before having a first kiss or ANYTHING really romantic or sexual happen.

Then I found a bunch of reasons to either deny the label in relation to my experience or hold off on defining myself, and I just assumed that I was straight for 5 years. I also have dealt with codependency throughout my life, and after some time I ended up in a relationship that really brought out these tendencies. My partner was obsessed with sex and male validation, and being the codependent POS I was, I catered STRONGLY to all of it and strongly associated sex with love and relationships.

Fast forward to last year, I'm in my 4th overtly sexual relationship, with some flings kind of mixed in. I felt like sex was something I could give to people, and I got really invested in it. I was never repulsed by sex, and I subconsciously associated asexuality with the typical asexual, aromantic, sex-averse stereotype of an ace person. I had hypersexual behavior. I acknowledged that there was a strong disconcordance in how I acted and how I felt, but the behavior in my mind justified to me that I couldn't POSSIBLY be anything but sexual.

I got out of that relationship about 11 months ago, which is when I started really strongly considering asexuality or demisexuality as a possibility for me again. The label had come up every once in a while throughout my adolescent and young adult life, but I just shook it off without much afterthought up until this point. I'd been repressing the fact that I had an autism diagnosis and chalked it up to the fact that I'd "grown out of it", but I was still desperately struggling in nearly every facet of my life. Realizing that opened up the idea that I'd been repressing or avoiding other parts of my life, and the first thing that was really emphasized in my mind was my sexual behavior. I'd been considering being demisexual when I started feeling as if I wasn't being authentic and I started realizing what that even meant, and so I joined the forums.

I went through some more time, a LOT more introspection, and realized that in retrospect, I felt much more connected to being asexual than demisexual. I had sex in intimate romantic relationships (or on impulse), but I never initiated any romantic or sexual relationships I'd been in, and I had sex for reasons that didn't feel like my sexual attraction to others. And so I started to explore the possibility of me being asexual, and to this day it's the label I use. I'm still questioning, but that's what feels best for me in regard to sexuality.

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Janus DarkFox

I knew before having sex, then having sex flat out confirmed it as well.

 

Kind of wonder that because its often now not so pleasurable uncomfortable orgasms, having often non-libido moments.  Likely a gender fluidity thing without the presence of anything medically wrong.

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Hel*

I had quite a bit of sex in the past (i was polyamorous for a while) but it was never that good and left me feeling physically weird, or worse.

 

I was probably ace when i was about 21. I never really had crushes and it took me a long time to figure out if i was straight or gay... at the time i settled on bi but i kind of knew that really it was neither.

 

I was in a struggling relationship (first sexual relationship - 3yrs) at the time and i would 'put effort in' as i thought thats what was needed... but it was a violation of myself and was really damaging to my mental health. The polyamorous stage was actually after this.... as i came out of that relationship reckless and nihilistic. Sex had no meaning any more.. i think that i used it as a way to form connections with people... as i often found it simpler to have sex than to build proper platonic friendships. (Yeah totally unhealthy mentality i know). It was actually better without the 'romance', but still not vital, and i realised the more i genuinely care about someone the less i am able to have meaningless sex with them. Now i know i can build relationships without it and i prefer it that way.

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aceunderfire

Soooo.... I have had sex, but it wasn't any more enjoyable to me than masturbation tbh, which for me is just a release of tension. In fact I sometimes I had issues with someone else touching me. Not necessarily in the 'this is gross/wrong' sort of way but a 'This is easier if I just do it myself' way...? Thought it definitely felt too messy for me. It just seemed like any other release to me I guess. I enjoyed the cuddling though.

 

I had a lot of guilt associated with it, because I wanted to make my wife happy and she enjoyed it. But it's taken me until these past few months to realize that hey, it's not that I wasn't just not attracted to her, i'm not attracted to anyone.

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To Each Their Own
On 9/8/2018 at 10:18 AM, daveb said:

Similar to @Tunhope, as an older ace I didn't have the vocabulary to realize I was ace when I was younger. As a very shy and awkward person I never had the chance to try sex until I was quite a bit older, so I didn't even realize it wouldn't be something I wouldn't be into. It wasn't until I actually tried it (and kept trying) and finding that it just wasn't doing anything for me and then finding out about asexuality that I finally was able to put it all together.

 

And this! Yay for education and visibility! :) 

 

Maybe it's clearer for aromantic aces?

You would think! But for this aromantic ace, I wasn’t clear at all. I think it was because I had a lot of abuse in my childhood that led to me not having any sense of personal identity or boundaries. By the time I got out of that environment, the only way I learned to survive in society was to mimic the behaviour or other people.

 

I got married at 18 to the first person that asked me. It was quite apparent that something was very wrong in the sex department, so that started 4 years of doctors, medical exams, and therapists (and spousal rape). I ended up in a locked mental facility at the end of it all. And, yes, I was considered to be the “crazy” one.

 

I’m not even going to kid myself that if asexuality were in the DSM as a “differential diagnosis” that I would have been spared all that suffering, because that is just bullshit! Because even the way it is written now, you have to be self-identified.

 

But anyway, this is why I KNEW I WAS BROKEN! And this is why I hid it from other people and lied about having imaginary boyfriends and girlfriends for so many years.

 

I agree with @daveb, “Yay for education and visibility!” Because I am no longer hiding or lying about imaginary lovers. I finally know who I am and everyone around me knows it. 

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Pest

I've had sex. Not a lot, but enough.

 

When I was a teenager I did a lot of soul searching to figure myself out, like most teenagers do. I came to the conclusion that I must be bi-/pansexual, since I feel about the same with anyone, regardless of gender.

 

I had my sexual debut when I was 18 (...kinda. I had been fooling around and been sexual with people before, but this is in regards to my first traditional intercourse). In the beginning I just thought that "I'm new at this, of course it's going to be clumsy and awkward". Then the relationship ended, I had a few one night stands (also awkward, because we didn't "know each other sexually"). Then comes another relationship, and I tell her from the beginning that my sex drive is kind of low. We still ended up having sex a few times a week for about a year (and then the relationship ended). It got less awkward, and the sex did get better. It just wasn't all it was made out to be. Sure, I didn't hate it, but it felt wrong. The realization of being asexual came long before accepting it, but I'm glad that I did.

 

It's been a couple of years since I last had sex, and for all I care I could go the rest of my life without it.

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Charna

I've had sex a long time before finding out about asexuality, and frankly it wasn't any kind of revelation moment. If anything it just contributed to my issues at that time, because I thought my lack of libido was due to antidepressants and anxiety & depression. It was an all around confusing and unpleasant experience.

 

In retrospect, I believe now that having access to informative resources is far more helpful in figuring yourself out than any physical experiences. 

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FireKnight

For me, it was similar, kinda a blah activity at best. It was a societal norm and pretty much expected of you, if that makes sense. I've had a few partners that I honestly enjoyed the attention more then the activity, if that makes sense. It also didn't help I had hypersexual friends at the time, so being polar opposite was odd. At this point I joke and flirt, however I'm not entertaining dating or sex at all, and at best want a platonic friend/life partner at best.

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Sandra B

I was in heterosexual relationships for half of my life. I was in this Femedic article yesterday which gives a snapshot of my experiences https://thefemedic.com/sexual-health/what-like-dating-asexual/ 2011 was my last time of having sex, thank goodness. My last long-term ex was good at sex, but I would rather have done the washing up and I hate washing up. 

 

I thought I was heterosexual until I found out I was asexual in 2014. I didn't realise but now I know, that I experience multiple forms of attraction, just not sexual and not platonic and I mistook my high levels of arousal for sexual attraction, but never actually thought I want sex. 

 

I am hugely romantic and love kissing, and still looking to meet my asexual romantic life partner soulmate who I believe is foreign and I believe Indian - but have not met him yet. I live in hope and continue to try to find him.

 

 

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