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Kissing and Asexuality


whitetulips

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And for me, kissing is sometimes sensual, another times it’s a sexual thing. But I tend to make a distinction between sensuality and sexuality. The first gives me emotional safety and I feel one with the other persoon. The second one... well it’s just horny although I wouldn’t kiss with someone who I don’t have feelings for.

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Oh you are going to love me because I will either clarify things for you or you will be confused. It is confusing for even me sometimes, but I know myself well and understand myself and asexuality and how heterosexual relationships and feelings work as I was in heterosexual relationships for half my life.

 

I am asexual and experience no sexual attraction whatsoever. I don't have the need, urge, or want, for partnered sexual intercourse - which is why I am asexual. Yes, I have had it in the past because I thought I had to, and yes, my last long term ex was good at that but I would rather have done the washing up and I hate washing up.

 

WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT! So I ALWAYS preferred my ex's finger and lips to his penis. But as he was heterosexual that meant those naturally led to him wanting and having sex. For me, I would have happily just had his finger and lots of kissing and not the sex. 

 

I love deep penetrative kissing with the tongue, and it sets of my high arousal levels - which sometimes I like and sometimes I don't like the feeling of. Sometimes I enjoy the feeling of arousal and other times it feels too sexual for me in my own being and I want to run away and cuddle my cuddly toys. I can also get aroused on my own with no physical stimulation at all (I don't watch porn), and not thinking about anyone, just by thinking about kissing in general or by thinking of the word aroused in my mind, or saying or thinking about the word sex, even though I am personally a sex repulsed asexual for me these days and hate sex. It does annoy me I can think of the word sex, if I talk about it, and my body involuntarily responds with arousal. 

 

The way I like to passionately kiss I call my Grey AREA because it is sexual in behaviour, yet I experience zero sexual attraction. I love kissing so much. Doesn't matter how much kissing I do and how aroused I feel I never want sex. I experienced this first hand with a heterosexual guy I dated for 2 months last year. It was the first time I hate dated a heterosexual since knowing I am asexual and knowing I also experience high arousal levels which I mistook for asexual attraction for years before - which was why I thought I was heterosexual for years but I never associated sex with love, and I never thought I actually want sex. I also experience many different forms of attraction just not sexual and for me not platonic - I am a hyper-romantic too, which causes me no end of falling for guys quicker that I should I have romantic feelings super quick as it jumps the platonic stage. 

 

My body can pound through the arousal and I make all the breathing noises as if I am having sex (more so than heterosexual guys sometimes - which is weird and a bit freaky), and move my body in that way with my clothes on, but I don't want sex. I am actually nudity repulsed too, so like to kiss with my clothes on these days. I personally believe Grey A should be redefined as separate from Grey Asexual, Grey Sexual, Grace, Grey Ace etc, to mean grey areas such as sexual behaviour, despite no sexual attraction, which is not what it currently means. But in my Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories book, this is how I redefine it. It would make it easier for asexual dating too. I come across so many asexuals with different grey areas that seems sexual in behaviour and most of them just identify as heterormantic - which technically they are if they don't experience any sexual attraction, even if they still have sexual behaviour. Sexual attraction is not the same as sexual behaviour but if you are a sexual person, such as heterosexual, they usually go hand-in-hand.

 

I cannot kiss a guy unless I am highly aesthetically attracted to him. So in my case finding a suitable asexual soulmate life partner is tough, because I am seen as too sexual in behaviour with the way I like to kiss, for some heteroromantic asexuals, whilst some other heteroromantic asexual guys are way too sexual in behaviour for me. For example, one asexual heteroromantic guy wanted to completely strip and do everything but the sex, and get so close that his penis would almost be in a woman but just not actually in her - no thanks to that! One guy said he would want to touch my body all over as well as kiss - he believes that is sensual - for me, that is too sexual in behaviour, he was admittedly on the Grey Asexual end of the spectrum. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, if you pardon the unintentional pun. I am seen as too sexual in behaviour for some asexual heteroromantic guys and not sexual enough for others or those on the more sexual end of the spectrum. And not sexual enough for heterosexuals who want sex and I am not doing that anymore now I know I don't have to and I just can't do that again as I really don't want to ever. And I am fiercely monogamous and want a guy like that too. And to throw other things into the mix, I am attracted to younger foreign guys (aesthetically, and in other ways), not usually British enough to want to kiss them and love specifically living in the UK and my flat. I have been on asexual dating sites for 4 years and run 3 asexual dating groups on Facebook. So never giving up of finding my guy. 

 

I was in this Femedic article yesterday https://thefemedic.com/sexual-health/what-like-dating-asexual/  Hope it helps someone. 

 

 

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