whitetulips

Kissing and Asexuality

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whitetulips

Is kissing considered sexual. Can someone make out with boyfriend/girlfriend and still be ace if it doesn't go any further? Also, I feel so afraid that I will somehow find out that I was not asexual all this time. It seriously freaks me out. I feel like a part of me would be missing if I don't understand as asexual. I'm thinking of two reasons for this fear. The first one is that it is natural for me to be scared of identifying as sexual because it is normal to be scared of identifying as a person that is not you. So, I'm asexual. The second one is that I'm a sex repulsed sexual and I just feel like I can escape my trauma and fear by hiding behind the asexuality mask? Does anyone else feel the same way I do? I also think that I felt sexual attraction for an actor in a tv series today. I'm so scared and nervous about it. I'm trying to ignore it. 

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TheAP

Kissing isn't inherently a sexual act, so you can enjoy it and still be asexual.

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Red99

I consider kissing sensual, not sexual. I see the desire to kiss someone the same way I see the desire to hug someone or cuddle with someone. Kissing someone is definitely more intimate than a hug but I don't consider it sexual.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Regardless of what kissing is, the label should describe you, not prescribe you. Deliberately repressing your sexuality, if you have one, can be very unhealthy.

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uhtred

My wife is near-asexual but very much enjoys kissing. 

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uhtred
12 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Regardless of what kissing is, the label should describe you, not prescribe you. Deliberately repressing your sexuality, if you have one, can be very unhealthy.

YES!  This is very very important!!!

 

Never fall in to the "purity" trap where because you have some characteristics of a group you feel like you are some how not living up if you don't have *all* the characteristics, or if you change. 

 

It is fine to have or not have whatever sorts of physical and emotional interactions with others that you want.  If those happen to be well described by the word "asexual" that is fine, but there is nothing wrong if you aren't well described by any single word.

 

I have a female friend who is sexually attracted to other women, but emotionally / romantically attracted to men.  Is she straight? lesbian? bi?  It doesn't matter -she is what she is, no need for labels if they don't fit

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CBC

I've heard some asexuals say that they enjoy it, so I have to assume that for them it's not sexual. Personally, as a sexual person, it's part of desiring someone sexually (and romantically, but my brain doesn't tend to separate those feelings). That doesn't mean it always has to lead to sex of course, but if I'm into kissing someone, it's safe to say that I desire them in that way.

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DisplayNames
3 minutes ago, CBC said:

Personally, as a sexual person, it's part of desiring someone sexually (and romantically, but my brain doesn't tend to separate those feelings).

I am opposite of sorts, I already don't want to have sex but I do want to make out but after some kissing the feeling for making out even goes away. Even if it was someone is been dating for over year haven't seen them in five months after minute or two of kissing I'm pretty much done with any contact and completely uncomfortable with more kissing. Everyone is different as this proves some feel Sexually about it others it's like a hug some feel both some feel niether and some like me feel close connection with it as long as it stops moment it starts feeling uncomfortable. 

I don't like labels but they calm my brother who calls himself "Poly-pan-trans-man" on his cape/flag at pride  and so he found if I wanted labeled I'd be a-sexual(greysexual some would categorize me)/pan-romantic. Don't worry about losing a label if it makes you feel better try searching greysexual it's newer made for those who don't connect 100% with Stereotypical a-sexual (no sexual disire ever) but knows that once a year/month or so disire for sex doesn't make you not a-sexual

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CBC
4 minutes ago, DisplayNames said:

once a year/month or so disire for sex doesn't make you not a-sexual

Actually if a person innately desires partnered sex for the purposes of their own enjoyment, that does make them not asexual. Asexuality isn't about how often you want sex. People who want a lot more sex than average don't have an entirely different label for their orientation, so why do those who desire less get lumped in with a different one (asexuality)?

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scoobysasha
On 9/8/2018 at 3:39 AM, CBC said:

Actually if a person innately desires partnered sex for the purposes of their own enjoyment, that does make them not asexual. 

I always thought sexualities was aligned with the feelings of sexual attraction (or lack of in Ace's case) towards a people rather than the person's desire for sex. 

 

As for the kissing thing, I'd say you could kiss or make out or whatever with your partner and still be ace. But no matter what, you shouldn't have to be afraid of your identity. You don't have to explore it if you're not ready to do so, just remember there are always people who will accept you! 

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Telecaster68
2 hours ago, scoobysasha said:

I always thought sexualities was aligned with the feelings of sexual attraction (or lack of in Ace's case) towards a people rather than the person's desire for sex. 

How else would you describe sexual attraction if not a desire for sex with someone?

 

I'm pretty sure it's only aces who can see kissing as not sexual. A sexual person is always going to see it as sexual. The Anglo Saxon word for 'kissing' was mouth-sex, and with good reason.

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Serran

I dont see kissing as sexual. But, I do think it enhances sexual acts because for me its emotional... however, I always enjoyed kissing with people I wasnt sexually attracted to as well. So it can be sexual for me, if done in a sexual context. But, more often, its just nice and doesnt feel sexual at all. 

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CBC
2 hours ago, scoobysasha said:

I always thought sexualities was aligned with the feelings of sexual attraction (or lack of in Ace's case) towards a people rather than the person's desire for sex. 

So personally, if I desire sex with someone, that's what sexual attraction is. Sexual attraction is sexual desire with a specific target. I'm pretty certain that's how most sexual people experience it.

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Telecaster68

I don't understand how you can want to kiss someone you're not sexually attracted to. Wanting to kiss someone is at least as intimate as PIV, and if you want to do that with them, how is it different to any other sexual act?

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Anthracite_Impreza
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm pretty sure it's only aces who can see kissing as not sexual. A sexual person is always going to see it as sexual. The Anglo Saxon word for 'kissing' was mouth-sex, and with good reason.

I would hope not if they're kissing their kids, relatives or pets 😑

 

I know you don't mean that kind of kissing, I just like being difficult.

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Telecaster68

I assumed we were all talking about open mouthed snogging type kissing...

 

The other type just isn't sexual, full stop.

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Serran
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I assumed we were all talking about open mouthed snogging type kissing...

 

The other type just isn't sexual, full stop.

I hate open mouthed kissing full stop. 😛 During sexual acts I prefer deep closed mouth kisses. Open mouth with tongues is just awkward and gross to me.

 

But, a nice long kiss is intimate but not sexual. Just feels nice, like cuddling or a long conversation. Closer, but not in a sexual sense. Which is why I think it enhances sexual stuff for me, its a nice loving feeling added to the sexual pleasure. And without the sexual element its just a nice warm blanket fuzzy loving feel. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I assumed we were all talking about open mouthed snogging type kissing...

 

The other type just isn't sexual, full stop.

There is an intermediate "lingering" kissing, where you just don't want to let go. That's the one I was actually thinking of, since it's the one I actually do (and thus that can be non-sexual, but not-entirely-platonic kissing).

 

Ninja'd.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, Serran said:

a nice long kiss is intimate but not sexual. Just feels nice, like cuddling or a long conversation. Closer, but not in a sexual sense.

I honestly don't see how that isn't sexual.

 

2 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

There is an intermediate "lingering" kissing, where you just don't want to let go. That's the one I was actually thinking of, since it's the one I actually do (and thus that can be non-sexual, but not-entirely-platonic kissing).

If you wouldn't do it with your maiden aunt, it's sexual, isn't it? Or why wouldn't you do it with her?

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Serran
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

If you wouldn't do it with your maiden aunt, it's sexual, isn't it? Or why wouldn't you do it with her?

I wouldnt kiss my aunt at all..  or any family member. I also wouldnt cuddle, hold hands, rest my head on their shoulders, etc. Cause its all romantic for me. I enjoy all those with anyone I have romantic ties to. Other people are I will maybe tolerate a one sided hug. Except the kids I work with, they can hug me cause they are kids and need the physical affection for growth. 

 

I have sexual feelings for my spouse. But, didnt for any other partners. So, I have felt the kissing etc stirring sexual feelings and it not. And I still do feel both. They are quite different. One feels just nice and comforting, that love rush - not that different from a kid or animal giving affection, but just with the romantic bonus enhancing it a little bit, but nothing at all sexual to it. I used to annoy exes cause I love kissing but never wanted more than that. The other ... a deep kiss in a sexual context feels passionate and heart race increasing. Its day and night difference for me. Though, I guess a lot of people only feel the one type with long kisses. 

 

 

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Schnee.
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you wouldn't do it with your maiden aunt, it's sexual, isn't it?

I also wouldn't want to lie in bed with her, cuddling and watching a movie. That doesn't make it sexual, does it? Intimacy isn't necessarily sexual. It can be, it doesn't need to be. Probably always depends on the intend. If you start kissing somebody because you want sex and it's part of the "ritual" or foreplay or whatever, then it's sexual. If you just kiss someone, because it feels nice and makes you feel close, that doesn't need to be sexual. 

22 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I don't understand how you can want to kiss someone you're not sexually attracted to. Wanting to kiss someone is at least as intimate as PIV, and if you want to do that with them, how is it different to any other sexual act?

And anyway, we are a social species. We desire intimacy even if we don't want to have sex with someone. That's just how we work. 

For some that means kissing, as it confirms a close bond and it's a way to reinforce it. For some it's not. And for some it's a message to their partner that they want sex. 

People experience things differently and kissing can have very different meanings for a lot of different people. 

 

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Serran said:

I wouldnt kiss my aunt at all.. 

You know what I'm talking about though.

 

If you're not doing tongues and such, what actually happens during a long kiss? Just pressing your lips together, like in a Doris Day film?

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Feynman
36 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I assumed we were all talking about open mouthed snogging type kissing...

 

The other type just isn't sexual, full stop.

Ah, I forgot that type of kissing exists. I was confused as to how the regular kind could be considered sexual. That whole "open mouthed snogging" seems unhygienic and just generally strange to me, but each to their own.

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Anthracite_Impreza
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you wouldn't do it with your maiden aunt, it's sexual, isn't it? Or why wouldn't you do it with her?

I do lots of things with Clutch I wouldn't with my auntie, but I still don't want sex with him. Just the idea repulses me.

 

4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you're not doing tongues and such, what actually happens during a long kiss? Just pressing your lips together, like in a Doris Day film?

In my case, just melting and not wanting to leave/stop.

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scoobysasha
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

How else would you describe sexual attraction if not a desire for sex with someone?

 

2 hours ago, CBC said:

So personally, if I desire sex with someone, that's what sexual attraction is. Sexual attraction is sexual desire with a specific target. I'm pretty certain that's how most sexual people experience it.

I could be wrong, but I thought that the want of having sex (feeling horny) was seperate from seeing someone you'd like to engage in those activities with and that was why some people would go out with the intentions of hooking up with someone. 

Sorry if I was wrong, I haven't been on AVEN long and I thought that that was what 'sex-positive' meant. I'll be sure to look more into it now 😁

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Anthracite_Impreza
23 minutes ago, scoobysasha said:

 

I could be wrong, but I thought that the want of having sex (feeling horny) was seperate from seeing someone you'd like to engage in those activities with and that was why some people would go out with the intentions of hooking up with someone. 

Sorry if I was wrong, I haven't been on AVEN long and I thought that that was what 'sex-positive' meant. I'll be sure to look more into it now 😁

Sex positive means you are supporting of people having as much consensual sex as they wish (and supposedly none at all, though that often gets forgotten to our detriment).

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Scooty

I've just kissed one guy, and it was because I felt bad "because he wanted a relationship, and I didn't". Don't do what I did, kids. Listen to your heart. Don't like a guy/gal? then don't date them out of guilt. and definitely don't kiss them out of guilt. It just makes everyone feel bad.

 

Kissing is gross to me. I've never had sex either, so I would imagine that's probably gross too. I'm not sex repulsed, but obviously aren't inclined to it. 

 

 

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Serran
3 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

 

 

In my case, just melting and not wanting to leave/stop.

Yeah. That. :lol:

 

BUT, I guess Tele would consider it Doris Day style kissing. Sweet and innocent, but it is so intimate and loving too. Just non-sexual romantic loving. *shrug* I like both types but they are both great. 

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Kayze

Kissing isn't in itself sexual and fits a more romantic orientation as well. It really just depends on how the person feels about it and not the act itself.

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mreid

I've pictured myself kissing guys I had crushes on and doing cute romantic things with them, but to me it was never a sexual thing. I've never felt any sexual attraction towards those guys. Actually with me it's like, the more I liked them the less I imagined myself doing anything sexual with them. It's not a morality thing or anything against sex, it's just that with me one thing seemed to cancel the other out or something. I've had romantic dreams about guys had had crushes on, but they were also never sexual; we'd only hold hands, touch each other (in non-sexual ways) and at most kiss.

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