I wish I'd been born a boy

[Wolfie31]

So I was out with my family today buying a suit for my brother's prom and it was like a trigger that reminded me how much I wish I'd been born a boy. Now I know that in this day and age women can wear suits but it would still be easier for me to ask my parents if I was just a boy (and I wouldn't already own loads of dresses my mum has bought me). But this is not the only reason, or even the biggest reason why I wish I'd been born a boy, it was just trigger.

The main reason is football. Basically I was never very good at football and I always felt bad playing it cos I was just reenforcing the stereotype that girls are bad at football. When my brother started playing football he was of a similar ability to me but the difference is he has so many more opportunities to play football. There are so many more boys teams than girls that you don't have to be nearly as good to find a team that will accept you. He's been able to play with friends at school every lunchtime. And now he even goes to play with my dad and his mates every week and every time they leave together it hurts me inside cos I wish that was me. 

Another reason I had when I was younger was that I was heavily into acting and at school it was certainly a lot better to a boy who was into acting because a) there were a lot less boys into acting so less competition, b) in most shows there are more male parts than female parts and c) the male parts generally seem to be more interesting and were certainly the parts I could relate to more and would've felt more comfortable in. Admittedly this has reason is less valid now since I'm not into acting much anymore and at university they tend to be much more open minded when it comes to the gender of roles. 

And I'm just not very good at being female. I don't like wearing make up, I don't like wearing dresses, I don't like wearing clothes that expose large amounts of my skin. And I know I don't have to do any of those things but the point is that being female and not doing any of these things is still considered 'different' whereas if I was just male and didn't do these things no one would bat an eyelid.

To clarify, I don't feel like I identify as male. I don't really feel like any gender at all. What I really wanted was to recieve all the societal benefits that would've come in my life with being male (and yes I know there are some drawbacks too and probably some benefits to being female, it's just with the kind of person I am I think I would've found a lot more benefits to being male as I've as yet failed to really think of any that come with being female that I enjoy.) 

End of rant.

[Cheshire-Cat]

I think one advantage of being female is people are more likely to help you. A bloke is expected to cope themselves. Plus females are allowed to show emotions where it's kind of frowned on for males to show theirs.

 

I suppose both binary genders have their positives and negatives. I'm female but there's certainly things I'd have preferred if I was male. It's hard when you don't feel like you fit in with your biological gender.

[Kahlan]

In a way that's understandable because men really have a different life haha If life was a game, being a white, rich, male would be playing in easy mode but we can't all be boys. Being a woman is hard, it's a struggle and we have to fight almost everyday but we 'must' do it so the future generations will have it easier and eventually (hopefully) we'll be more equals. I think there will always be differences but I think we should see it more like a teamwork Boys play soccer well but girls are better gymnast, you won't see a dude on a beam for example haha But I see your point, life is harder as a chick ^^

[Anthracite_Impreza]

49 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

I don't really feel like any gender at all.

Have you ever considered you could be agender?

[Wolfie31]

I think it's just a personal thing, like I can appreciate if you wanted to be a gymnast then you would see being a gIrl as an advantage and being a boy as a disadvantage but just being me with the things I want it would've been a lot better for me to be a boy. 

Expressing your emotions would probably be the advantage of being female except that I'm terrible at it and never really got taught to do it by my family so don't get to make the most of that advantage...

And the thing is I don't really identify as female, one of the reasons I think I don't is cos I really don't feel any duty to the whole 'fighting for equality' thing, my grandma is always going on aboutique suffragettes and I really feel no connection to it at all, I feel how I imagine man would feel, yeah what they did was great and brave but I don't see what it's got to do with me.

[Wolfie31]

@Anthracite_Impreza I think that I probably am agender on a personal level as I don't feel like any gender mentally. But it's just how society perceives your gender that bothers me more than what I actually am. And I know it's impossible to really know this but I do feel like if I'd just been born a boy then I would identify as male, no questions asked. I could be wrong but that's how I feel right now.

[Guest]

@Wolfie31 Have you considered that you could be a demiboy?

[Wolfie31]

7 minutes ago, nelpogrando said:

@Wolfie31 Have you considered that you could be a demiboy?

Can't say it's a word I've ever encountered before, I'm somewhat new to the vast world of gender identities.

[Guest]

On 9/8/2018 at 5:47 PM, Wolfie31 said:

Can't say it's a word I've ever encountered before, I'm somewhat new to the vast world of gender identities.

Demiboy means that you’re a boy/connected to the idea of being a boy, but only partially, and the other part of your gender can be agender or any other gender.

[PixleyDust✨]

On 9/7/2018 at 1:49 PM, Wolfie31 said:

@Anthracite_Impreza I think that I probably am agender on a personal level as I don't feel like any gender mentally. But it's just how society perceives your gender that bothers me more than what I actually am. And I know it's impossible to really know this but I do feel like if I'd just been born a boy then I would identify as male, no questions asked. I could be wrong but that's how I feel right now.

God, this is the truthest truth I have ever seen truthed. This has literally been on the forefront of my mind from early adolescence to now.

 

I always envied the ease the males around me seemed to have; like they were able to just be, like there weren’t any hidden restrictions or limitations on their existence like there was on mine. They were stronger than me, they were more confident than me, and their life just seemed more convenient, like they had more freedom than mine did, a certain leeway/leniency that I wasn’t given. I’ve always felt left out with my brothers because I was their sister, and it didn’t help my grandfather was traditional and took them on “boy’s trips”, and that me standing up to my brothers was considered just as bad as them initiating the conflict I was defending myself against. I even remember the time my Dad warned me that if I wasn’t careful, people might think I was a “witch” when I got older (he was heavily implying another word but wanted to spare me the language). And male characters, or at least subtly masculine or “tomboy” characters, were always more relatable to me than “girly” ones ever were, the ones I was “supposed” to relate to.

 

All of these things culminated into me becoming a tomboy (despite the fact that I openly scoffed at the idea that the reason I liked/didn’t like something meant that I was trying to be a boy). And I wore it with pride, turning up my nose at traditional femininity, subconsciously looking down on my “girlier” classmates for, what I thought, was equitable to accepting weakness. 

 

But it wasn’t until now that I realized I was doing that. And it wasn’t until now I realized I related to male/masculine girl characters because they were actually people with hopes and fears, doing interesting things, and being generally decent human beings, the kind you, as an impressionable child, aspire to be when you’re older. Feminine characters, whether male or female, were always stereotypes NO ONE could relate to. Their character traits were usually universally reviled ones, they were vapid, ignorant/uneducated, self-absorbed, selfish and generally toxic. Their femininity was always a punchline, or a point of critique. And it definitely wasn’t until now I realized I had become a tomboy not to prove that there’s more than one type of girl in the world, but to overcome the powerlessness and loneliness I experienced because I was a girl, because I was feminine. To overcome the supposed weakness I had been born into. To reap the benefits of masculinity that I was denied and therefore envied.

 

Because if I had truly believed that there was more than one type of girl in the world, I wouldn’t have looked down on other girls for expressing themselves in the way they feel is right. I wouldn’t have looked down on them for not being more like me, for not being more masculine, for not choosing to be “strong”. 

 

Point is, I’ve realized that my whole life, I’ve essentially been taught, both directly and indirectly, through media and experience, that masculinity is the sum of all that’s good, all that we aspire to, while femininity was everything that we secretly hope we’re not. A cautionary tale. The acceptance of weakness.

 

I am genderfluid/perpetually questioning, but I do recognize that these thoughts and experiences definitely influence my perception of my gender sometimes, and I constantly work at overcoming the misogyny I’ve internalized because of them. If being a demiguy, agender, or whatever label you may wish to subscribes to fits better than girl ever did, than go on with your bad self. Rock that label with pride! 🏳️‍🌈✨

 

I just wanted you to know that I understand exactly how it feels to wish you were born differently because you’re seeing all the cracks and flaws of the life you were born into. But this is an opportunity to realize that it’s not a girl’s (or female/feminine identifying person’s) fault for resenting these shortcomings, but the fault of toxic patriarchal ideals of strength, gender norms, and privilege for creating an environment where femininity, in all its forms, is an inherent disadvantage.

 

There is no one way to be a girl, to be female, or to be generally feminine, there is no litmus test or checklist or pre-approved expression you have to conform to. Girly cis/trans girls are awesome, cis/trans tomboys are awesome, demigirls, femme-presenting non-binary and agender, androgynous, gender non-conforming boys, and otherwise female/feminine identifying people are all awesome just the way they are, and their existence is not an acceptance of inferiority or weakness.

 

No one needs to prove their gender. You are what you say you are. Your feelings are all the “proof” you need, and any label you choose to use is valid because you’ll always know your feelings better than anyone else. ❤️

 

I honestly wish someone told me all this growing up. Then maybe I wouldn’t have the internalized misogyny/cissexism that constantly muddies the perception of my own gender, and makes it nearly impossible to articulate it into words. I think that’s why I’m telling you, honestly, because your original post sounded eerily familiar. Like something I would post if I had access to AVEN when I was going through all this in the first place.

 

TL;DR Cause holy shit I wrote a fucking novel here. 🤣

 

If you’re a girl, awesome. If not, still awesome. Either way, we got you fam. Just don’t solely rely on your discomfort with gender norms to determine your gender because, frankly, they suck. Just be you, whatever that ends up being, in whatever way you want because that is the way you were meant to

be. 😊✨

[Wolfie31]

@Pixley thanks so much for taking the time to post this, I can relate to A LOT of it. When I was younger I did try to take on the tomboy role in an attempt to combat the stereotypes but in the end it never really worked, you still don't get treated like a boy, just a girl trying to act like one. And then when I started really quite badly wanting a relationship I decided to attempt to act more girly as I thought that was necessary to attract a mate. But all it did was cause me to resent all the girly girls and feminine types for reinforcing all these stereotypes that made me feel so uncomfortable. It had reached the point over the last few months where seeing women doing stuff like wearing make up or feminine clothes was irritating to me cos me thats just reinforcing the stereotypes that allow inequality to continue to exist. But I've found identifying as agender as a way to distance myself from all that. I do still believe that acting in a stereotypically masculine or feminine way is just working to perpetuate inequalities but I like to think the people doing it are doing it for better than reasons than just because it's expected of their gender and if they're acting in a way that feels genuine to them then it would be wrong of me to expect them change. And if I'm agender then it's not really my problem anymore.

[ElasticPlanet]

On 9/10/2018 at 10:37 AM, Wolfie31 said:

I've found identifying as agender as a way to distance myself from all that.

I can relate to that. One element of my agender identity is years of being fed up with people splitting themselves off into social groups (and worse still, different hobbies etc.) according to their gender, and acting as if it's somehow OK to expect everyone to follow that example.

 

On 9/10/2018 at 10:37 AM, Wolfie31 said:

I do still believe that acting in a stereotypically masculine or feminine way is just working to perpetuate inequalities but I like to think the people doing it are doing it for better than reasons than just because it's expected of their gender

Yeah - now I can start to separate the reasons out, I'm a bit less resentful of it than I used to be. Still not happy though.

[PixleyDust✨]

On 9/10/2018 at 2:37 AM, Wolfie31 said:

@Pixley thanks so much for taking the time to post this, I can relate to A LOT of it. When I was younger I did try to take on the tomboy role in an attempt to combat the stereotypes but in the end it never really worked, you still don't get treated like a boy, just a girl trying to act like one. And then when I started really quite badly wanting a relationship I decided to attempt to act more girly as I thought that was necessary to attract a mate. But all it did was cause me to resent all the girly girls and feminine types for reinforcing all these stereotypes that made me feel so uncomfortable. It had reached the point over the last few months where seeing women doing stuff like wearing make up or feminine clothes was irritating to me cos me thats just reinforcing the stereotypes that allow inequality to continue to exist. But I've found identifying as agender as a way to distance myself from all that. I do still believe that acting in a stereotypically masculine or feminine way is just working to perpetuate inequalities but I like to think the people doing it are doing it for better than reasons than just because it's expected of their gender and if they're acting in a way that feels genuine to them then it would be wrong of me to expect them change. And if I'm agender then it's not really my problem anymore.

No problem. That’s why I love AVEN so much. 💕

 

And oh my god, do I relate to ALL OF THIS. 

 

That’s totally true, in fact, I’m pretty sure that was the reason my brothers, and even my Mom and Dad were so assured that I was a lesbian (though my brothers were the only ones who gave me shit for it, no matter how many times I called them out on it). It was ridiculous, stereotypical AND completely inaccurate. (Hooray for gender stereotypes! Woo.) Plus, I’m pretty sure my tomboyishness was also the reason people felt comfortable picking on me, or felt the need to because it was weird/possibly threatening to them. Double woo. 🙄

 

And despite being Aro/Ace, I’ve often thought of myself in a romantic relationship, how I would feel about it, what I would want in a partner, etc. And I always saw myself as being hyper feminine for that very same reason, because my internalized cissexism convinced me that guys would find me repulsive expressing myself in a less than “traditional” way and that their repulsion is justifiable because, “come on, it’s not that hard to put on feminine clothing, or wear make up or shave your legs”. That the feelings of someone else about my body take precedence and are more valid than my own (but newsflash brain, they’re not. None of this is okay, actually. Worthwhile people, especially partners, love you, all of you, as you are, as you are actually comfortable with being. Anyone who doesn’t/resents you for not conforming to how they think you should be, is not. Kick them to the curb with the rest of the garbage). 

 

And trust me, I still battle with that too. That’s what I used to believe about those girls back in middle/high school, that their “girliness” was reinforcing the gender stereotypes I was trying to break free from/trying to convince others to do as well. But I’ve realized that gender conforming doesn’t necessarily mean toxic; what’s toxic is telling people how they should express themselves. They wouldn’t want me shaming them for wearing makeup and dresses anymore than I would want them to shame me for avoiding makeup and wearing stuff from the Men’s department. And I don’t want to either, because I know how much it sucks being put down for expressing yourself in a way that makes you feel good about yourself.

 

And even though I’m giving myself more freedom to explore my gender in ways that push boundaries I didn’t even know I had (and wholeheartedly encourage others in their respective journeys), I still cave into the insecurities that come with being socialized female, usually surrounding being repulsed by my leg hair, underarm hair, and even my short hairstyle (despite not wanting long hair AT ALL) because it all makes me stand out from the norm of “how women should look” (despite knowing full well there’s no such thing AND not subscribing to that term to begin with anyways), plus the low-key fear of this giving license to misogynistic/homophobic jerks to mock me. Having had social anxiety since the first grade and being bullied since the 5th, I am pretty self-conscious, hate the idea of standing out/being in the spotlight and am sensitive to personal critique, and definitely still struggle with the clash of trying to accept myself and the deep-seated desire to be accepted by others, all of which is EXTREMELY difficult when you’re noticeably GNC, asexual, and your self-esteem is just a smidge above absolute zero from years of bullying from classmates, family, and even strangers alike (but to be fair, it used to be below that. Hooray for baby steps!) 😆

 

But I’m happy though that you disagree with gender conformity without shaming others for feeling comfortable inside it, or are fine adapting to it if it means fulfilling their needs, gender-wise. If being agender is what makes you comfortable right now, then go for it. Explore that in ways you’re comfortable with, for as long as you’re comfortable with doing so.

 

And don’t worry about being “trans enough”, or in this case, “agender enough”. Express your identity in ways that are the most authentic to you personally. Don’t cave to the idea that you have to be a certain way to be a girl, to be trans, to be agender, etc. You, and only you, have the final say on what you’re gender truly is. Nobody else.

 

Best of luck to you, I wish you all the best. 😊✨

[PresRENEE]

I’m comfortable and proud of being a girl, that’s why it’s so confusing that I wish I was a boy. And I do relate with wanting the societal benefits, being

able to get away with a lot more than girls can, but it’s also a little, more? Than that. I see boys walking around and I just wish I could Be them. I want to have their Lanky frame and big hands and deep voice, but I also don’t and I still want to stay a girl. I want friends that are guys, and be able to act like a guy with them, and not have them change how they act because I’m a girl. I want to be able to be sarcastic and unladylike all I want, I don’t want to be seen as someone who’s cute and needs to be protected. I just want to be one of those really funny and kind guys.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

37 minutes ago, PresRENEE said:

I’m comfortable and proud of being a girl, that’s why it’s so confusing that I wish I was a boy. And I do relate with wanting the societal benefits, being

able to get away with a lot more than girls can, but it’s also a little, more? Than that. I see boys walking around and I just wish I could Be them. I want to have their Lanky frame and big hands and deep voice, but I also don’t and I still want to stay a girl. I want friends that are guys, and be able to act like a guy with them, and not have them change how they act because I’m a girl. I want to be able to be sarcastic and unladylike all I want, I don’t want to be seen as someone who’s cute and needs to be protected. I just want to be one of those really funny and kind guys.

That's pretty interesting. How do you feel about dressing more tomboy and presenting more masculine?

[Rynn]

This thread has not been active for a long time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it.

Laurann,

moderator