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Even though I’m pretty sure that I’m ace, I want to learn more about fraysexuality. Can anyone who is fraysexual share their experinces so that I can understand better? Even if you are not fray, any information is appriciated so muchhh!

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Moved from Questions about Asexuality to The Gray Area.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

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I wasn't going to post cause I'm not fraysexual but it seems to kinda be the inverse of demisexuality?

 

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Fraysexuality is a sexual orientation condition where the individual feels sexual attraction to someone after meeting, although the attraction fades as the emotional bond strengthens.

At first glance, it seems like a very common behavior than an actual sexual orientation. And I'd fear that most people identifying as fraysexual are sexual people that just lost sexual attraction to that specific person, which is hard to equate as part of the ace spectrum. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction in other person. Generally it means ANYONE, regardless of one's relationship. Gray-asexuality says that asexuality is true most of the time but there are limited circumstances or technicalities that might not fit the exact definition. But even then, gray-asexual is more of an additional classifier than a real orientation, since someone could be a gray-a homosexual (meaning their limited sexual attraction experience is only to the same sex).

 

Hopefully more people can chime in on this and help give a better picture on how this is an orientation over just a behavior outside of sexual identities.

 

 

EDIT: Also, there seems to have been some discussion on this here: 

Haven't read it fully, so not sure how valid or accurate the discussion is to today's understanding.

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I’m trying to sort this one out for myself right now... asexual who gets wrapped up in NRE v. truly freysexual v. sexual or greysexual who doesn’t particularly care for vanilla PIV and who gets bored easily?  For me, at least, it’s hard to know (especially because I’m old and trying to remember back to many years ago).

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Im interested in this term as it relates well to my past experiences. I had alot more sex when i was younger... however it was always quite meaningless to me, rarely enjoyable, (i enjoyed the interpersonal effects - closeness, trust, knowing - more than the action. The idea of 'sexual attraction' is still one i cant get my head around) and i think now that i used it as a way to become close to other people.. especially as i have always struggled making true friends. For a while i was polyamorous as sex was so meaningless to me.. i couldnt really understand monogamy (i still dont really).

 

This all backfired every time though... every time i was with a partner for more than a few months (6 partners fall into this category, 2 of which were monogamous) i would go off sex completely. My most recent relationship is monogamous (at his request) and we have not had sex for 4 years.

 

Many people would just say 'oh you get bored easily'.. but right now its not just my partner (who i adore) that i dont want sex with, i dont want it with anyone. I dont even masturbate. If it was a case of getting bored.. surely i would be at least tempted to cheat or go back to polyamory? 

 

Was i attracted to them sexually at first? Im not sure. I was drawn to them, intrigued by them, wanted to know them better.

 

Part of me thinks i should leave him to see what happens.. but if i then want casual sex (for whatever reason) does that prove anything? Will the mysterious 'attraction' appear out of nowhere? Will it be genuine? And if i was to start a new relationship (poly or not) and this happens again... 

 

It feels like i need to accept this as the way i am and work with it..  Either that or im going to end up in endless failed relationships. 

 

Sorry.. turned into a ramble. 

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30 minutes ago, CBC said:

At any rate, it's at least not an orientation (which is something that describes who you're attracted to, not how you experience that attraction) so much as a behavioural/psychological pattern.

I agree with most of your post but I kind of disagree with this. If the pattern is reoccuring (in my case over 15 years) then there can be a who (strangers). Like the opposite to demisexuality where the who is close friends.

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3 hours ago, Hel* said:

I agree with most of your post but I kind of disagree with this. If the pattern is reoccuring (in my case over 15 years) then there can be a who (strangers). Like the opposite to demisexuality where the who is close friends.

But it's still hetero, homo, pan, or bi: That's the orientation. The rest is just describing preferences within those orientations (and that includes demisexuality - demi and freysexuality are how someone desires, not who they desire).

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Generally, I feel identities/labels are important for when something is outside of a norm. Fraysexual just feels like a typical occurrence that majority of people experience. Maybe not as drastic? But sexual attraction diminishes over time for everyone. Even if the sex is still good, the initial excitement and mystery is now gone.

 

I'm open to getting a better idea of its importance as an identity because a similar argument could be given to gray-asexuality or even people thinking asexuality is the same as celibacy. Though, gray-asexuality is a nice umbrella for "far from the sexual norm but technically doesn't fit asexual either; very rare/specific sexual attraction triggers" and I don't see the need to be overly specific on common sexual conditions within the umbrella for label/identity reasons.

 

Also, I misspoke by referring fraysexuality as an orientation though. As the definition even says, it's a condition; a modifier for an orientation. Even gray-asexuality is technically a sexual orientation condition since sexual attraction happens at times and that attraction fits an actual orientation that may or may not be the same as romantic orientation.

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Assuming I’m correctly assuming what I experience is freysexuality, which is something that’s definitely still up for debate, one thing that may differentiate it from typical sexual experience is that it’s just the sexual interest that fades; the romantic relationship (from my perspective) remains.  It’s like after the excitement wears off I revert to a baseline of heteroromantic ace.

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  • 1 year later...

I don't know where I can reach out to for more understanding on this subject.... But for the last few years, I've been wondering if I'm what is called "Freysexual/Fraysexual"... Where I naturally lose sexual appetite for someone once I develop emotional intimacy... and the only way to be aroused after that is through Pygophilia, and objectification, as in ceasing to see them as a person, but instead as a "thing" or "sexual object". So I'm able to feel emotional intimacy OUTSIDE of sexual encounters, but will have to resort to objectification and fetish DURING sex. I can feel romantic ties, but if they are coupled with familiarity, they cease to include sexual attraction outside of fetish for a specific body area.

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  • 2 months later...

I have to say that frey sexuality is real an not a sign that a physical relationship has gone stale. 

 

For me, sex is an important part of building a romantic relationship but once the emotional connection has formed, I no longer need the physical connection to be fulfilled and happy in a relationship.

 

I'm that girl who'll have sex on the second date but once I'm in love that desire isn't there. That doesn't mean I no longer find my partner attractive, it just means they're attractive in a different way.

 

This can cause all sorts of issues in a relationship. Imagine you're dating a girl who's very physical at the start of a relationship, which is unusual and then after 6 months to a year she's disinterested in the physical portion of the relationship. It would feel like a bait and switch kinda thing, which I've been accused of. 

 

Now I'm married to a great man who seems to get it and doesn't mind my low sex drive. We have sex maybe 6 times a year. It's not that I don't enjoy sex but I don't need it when I have an emotional connection.

 

Given that this pattern of needing a physical relationship to build an emotional one and then no longer needing a physical connection once a emotional connection has formed, makes me certain that frey sexuality or something similar exists. Labels are hard. ;)

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  • 4 months later...

i just now found out that there’s a name for what i’ve been experiencing and it makes me so happy it’s crazy. i thought i was insane because of the way i felt so let me explain. for me, someone im emotionally attracted to there’s no sexual attraction towards that person, and if i have sex with someone too soon the emotional side of things gets completely cut off so it’s only sexual. so if i ever feel like i could have an emotional connection with someone, i don’t want there to be anything sexual between us at least for a while. it’s an extremely confusing thing to deal with and even harder to try and explain to people. so far, i haven’t met anyone else like this but the fact that i know people are experiencing this with me, in a way that’s comforting. 

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  • 5 months later...
Justasecond

It has been validating, to read about freysexuality. I did not know about this sexuality until yesterday and well, it is a relief! This is my experience of my sexuality. I have looked at my self so negatively for years (I am in my mid 30's), thinking there is something really wrong with me. Feeling so much guilt and shame in relationships when I no longer needed sex or felt sexual desire for the one I love, and breaking up with everyone, but still feeling heart-pain because in most cases the affection and emotional love was still there. I didn't understand and was too afraid to speak about it. My experience when sexual desire goes, has been very clear. It happens when I feel the emotional bond, fall in love, then sex feels very difficult and I sexually shut down. I still find my partner to be very attractive and love to cuddle, kiss a lot and be affectionate. But no sexual desire! Which would be fine apart from the guilt and shame. I am not sure if this is something I can work with in future relationships, I hope so, but at least I can relate to myself in a further accepting way. I have never met anyone else who shared this pattern. I have been in something like twelve relationships, not including casual ones, and I have ended eleven of them, all of them with the same pattern. I have been on a long journey- I am also queer and that took its own fluid path- and this feels like another piece of the puzzle to continue to investigate. 

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  • 5 months later...

I think you just described me, Justasecond! I feel an insane amount of sexual attraction for a new partner at first. I will usually sleep with them on the second or third date. But in my last few relationships as soon as I reach the one year mark - a time where I feel fully connected and bonded to that person - I lose interest in them sexually. Practically repulsed. But I still love them as a person and want to spend time with them and nest with them. Just not be physical with them in any way. They haven't done anything wrong. It just goes off for me like a light switch. In my most recent relationship we didn't have sex for at least 7 years. Previous one, 4 years. And I didn't go searching for sex elsewhere during that time. I had no desire for it, anywhere. Not even an urge to masturbate. So the relationship ends and I quickly re-enter the dating pool, falling quickly for someone and the cycle repeats. I feel like I will never have a happily-ever-after, because who wants to be with someone whose sexual desire for them has an expiry date? 

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  • 1 month later...
FreyQuestions

I tend to agree that Frey Sexuality is an orientation.  At the least, it plays a role in the dynamics of some, if not most relationships.  Life experiences lead us to deny or accept our thoughts and pursue or suppress our desires.  One line of thought recognizes Frey Sexuality as the norm in prehistoric times and a significant part of our survival.  If you made it this far, thank you for reading my rant.

Please allow me to ask a few questions.  I will genuinely appreciate your feedback.

Is anyone part of or witnessed a successful/happy long-term relationship between a female Frey Sexual and Semi-Demi-Sexual male?

Can a Frey Sexual enjoy a romance with a long-term partner with sharing little of no sex? 

Is there a greater chance of enjoying a successful relationship with a Frey Sexual, if ethical non-monogamy is a mutual consent? 

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sexlessbychoice
10 hours ago, FreyQuestions said:

 

Can a Frey Sexual enjoy a romance with a long-term partner with sharing little of no sex? 

 

I will say yes.  Having just started reading up on frey / fray sexuality, I think it describes my wife 100% and me 75%.  

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  • 1 month later...
On 2/9/2022 at 10:09 PM, FreyQuestions said:

Is anyone part of or witnessed a successful/happy long-term relationship between a female Frey Sexual and Semi-Demi-Sexual male?

Can a Frey Sexual enjoy a romance with a long-term partner with sharing little of no sex? 

I'm a Freysexual Male, and my girlfriend is Demisexual.
In our case, the worst possible scenario has happened, and I'm probably going to need to have an uncomfortable conversation with her soon.
We've been together for just a week shy of 3 months now, though there was a few months of unspoken courtship beforehand too. We've not yet gone all the way, sexually. And the honeymoon period is already over. I feel like we missed the window of opportunity. If we had sex during that window, a bond would have formed, where I could be in love with her, and be vulnerable and open, even after sexual desire faded. But now that we haven't.... it all feels sort of like an apathetic "meh" to me. She feels like someone I've been babysitting beyond the agreed upon timespan. I care about her feelings, and want to be her friend. But I'm not hungry for sexual interaction or even intimate closeness at this point.
That part is kind of eye-opening to me. I usually develop emotional intimacy through the sexual closeness of the "honeymoon period". And if my partner doesn't reciprocate, I clam up, and the window is gone. If they do reciprocate, then I will want to give them the world, and will desire closeness and intimacy long after my sexual desire has faded. But I feel like I missed that window here. And now even just cuddling feels... awkward. Like they are looking for an intimacy that I just don't have within me for them. They never made it under my skin. 😔

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  • 2 weeks later...
Crystalrabbit85

Hi I’m hoping to be able to find someone who can give me some help! 
I have been with my partner for two years and we haven’t had sex in 9 months as he has intimacy issues. I did some research on his past relationship issues around sex and I came across the term freysexual  and it seemed to be what he was describing he has always experienced.   He has come to agree he is very much possibly freysexual as he loses the desire for sex as soon as he forms an emotional connection with someone. This can be as quick as three months after meeting someone. He’s only ever been in long term relationships as he wants to be monogamous and spend his life with the one partner. I am very much Demisexual so I’m wondering if there are any couples in this situation who can tell me what works for them as we are just starting to communicate and navigate what this means for us moving forward. I guess what I want to know is there any Frey/demi couples in long term relationships that have happily found a happy medium that has both their needs met? 

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  • 4 months later...
Space_Coffee89
On 1/5/2022 at 9:55 AM, freyed-knot said:

I think you just described me, Justasecond! I feel an insane amount of sexual attraction for a new partner at first. I will usually sleep with them on the second or third date. But in my last few relationships as soon as I reach the one year mark - a time where I feel fully connected and bonded to that person - I lose interest in them sexually. Practically repulsed. But I still love them as a person and want to spend time with them and nest with them. Just not be physical with them in any way. They haven't done anything wrong. It just goes off for me like a light switch. In my most recent relationship we didn't have sex for at least 7 years. Previous one, 4 years. And I didn't go searching for sex elsewhere during that time. I had no desire for it, anywhere. Not even an urge to masturbate. So the relationship ends and I quickly re-enter the dating pool, falling quickly for someone and the cycle repeats. I feel like I will never have a happily-ever-after, because who wants to be with someone whose sexual desire for them has an expiry date? 

wow, just wow. been looking up if this was a thing and well... i found this. your post.

that described me to a t. just wow.

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  • 3 months later...

I'm a little late to this conversation but thought I'd add my experience in case it could help someone in the future (and to sort it out in my own brain). I'm not sure I identify as freysexual - I had never even heard the term until someone here suggested I might be. After some research yielding mixed results, I'm still on the fence. So I'll describe what I experience and maybe it'll help someone else not feel as misunderstood as I do. 
 

Warning! In an effort to explain myself, I might use more explicit word choices than I use in daily conversation! I'm in my mid-thirties, I've never had partnered sex, and I've never had a serious relationship. I masturbate regularly and enjoy erotic romances and manga. When I see/meet an attractive man, I feel that gut-punch of sexual attraction that makes me want to climb him like a tree. But when I say that, I mean I'd like to strip him naked and get him off - but I don't really want to be touched in return. Once I get to know him, let's say regular conversations over the course of a month, I'm developing an emotional bond and I feel real affection for them but the sexual desire gets flipped off like a light switch. Like almost to the point where they feel more like a brother than a love interest. This would be in the get-to-know-you phase, before dating even really starts which is why I've never gotten past that point in relationships before. When I think about what an ideal long-term relationship would be for me, I just want to be with my best friend - strong emotional relationship and affection, some cuddling and kissing, and no sex. I think I could compromise on the sex on their part (if they thought me just watching was hot or if they wanted me to use sex toys for example) but I don't think I'd ever want them to reciprocate (the thought kinda makes me want to gag). The likelihood of ever finding someone who would agree and be satisfied with this kind of relationship feels very slim so I've mostly resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life. (Side note: that's not as bleak as it sounds since I'm really quite satisfied with the friendships I have and my own personal fantasies).

 

I'm not sure if what I feel qualifies as asexual or freysexual - when I write it out it kinda just sounds like an accelerated version of a normal sexual relationship progression. I know it doesn't even really matter if a label for me exists but I get a lot of familial and societal pressure to be in a relationship and for once I'd like a way to explain that their version doesn't fit me and I'm not the only one who feels this way.

 

Sorry if this is long and thanks for sticking it out if you got all the way through! This is the first time I've ever tried to sit down and described what I feel for myself and others - I already feel like it's been helpful and a burden lifted off my shoulders so thanks for giving me the space to figure myself out :) 

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  • 1 month later...
On 4/4/2022 at 3:37 AM, Crystalrabbit85 said:

Hi I’m hoping to be able to find someone who can give me some help! 
I have been with my partner for two years and we haven’t had sex in 9 months as he has intimacy issues. I did some research on his past relationship issues around sex and I came across the term freysexual  and it seemed to be what he was describing he has always experienced.   He has come to agree he is very much possibly freysexual as he loses the desire for sex as soon as he forms an emotional connection with someone. This can be as quick as three months after meeting someone. He’s only ever been in long term relationships as he wants to be monogamous and spend his life with the one partner. I am very much Demisexual so I’m wondering if there are any couples in this situation who can tell me what works for them as we are just starting to communicate and navigate what this means for us moving forward. I guess what I want to know is there any Frey/demi couples in long term relationships that have happily found a happy medium that has both their needs met? 

I'm also in this situation. Amazing crazy sex for 3 months then gone. I feel like I've been hoodwinked as sex is VERY important to me. I thought he was the same but after we were in love sex became a rare occasion and frankly not even fun. I'm hurt and angry to be honest. It's been a torturous 3 years and I don't know if I can continue living a basically celibate life even though I love him. It's just not what I signed up for and feels extremely selfish and unfair. I'm expected to be faithful yet never enjoy a healthy sex life? It's not ok. I have never experienced rejection like this and it rips my heart out. I cry myself to sleep so often and feel so unloved even though I know he loves me I can't help but feel insecure and upset. I don't know how anyone can make this work. I'm just not ok with being physically unwanted by the person I love. This is more painful to me than physical abuse and I'm not exaggerating..

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  • 4 months later...

I've just found out my girlfriend of 6 months sees herself as freysexual. Is there anyone out there who's had a monogamous relationship with a frey person. We're a same sex couple the sex at the beginning was frequent and amazing till about 3 months in then it was getting less and less to the point it's maybe once a month if that now. My girlfriend knew from the beginning I had a high sex drive and said nothing about this and actually reassured me that I would satisfied. I love her very much, she loves me I want to work to find solutions or compromises we can both live with. Open relationship is out of the question I couldn't do that to her and the thought of her being with someone else sexually very much upsets me. 

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Captain Borage
3 hours ago, dolly79 said:

I've just found out my girlfriend of 6 months sees herself as freysexual. Is there anyone out there who's had a monogamous relationship with a frey person. We're a same sex couple the sex at the beginning was frequent and amazing till about 3 months in then it was getting less and less to the point it's maybe once a month if that now. My girlfriend knew from the beginning I had a high sex drive and said nothing about this and actually reassured me that I would satisfied. I love her very much, she loves me I want to work to find solutions or compromises we can both live with. Open relationship is out of the question I couldn't do that to her and the thought of her being with someone else sexually very much upsets me. 

hi Dolly79, I'm new to this but joined specifically because I wanted to read more about how I identify as there doesn't seem to be a lot of concrete research out there for Frays.

I can't answer your question about monogamy working if one person is fray except by relating it to my own experience which may not be valid to anyone but me... but, yes, the fray person will probably just stop being sexually active entirely.

I certainly never cheated on my husband in my marriage (in fact, he cheated on me! Ha!) but I was profoundly unhappy because I couldn't understand why sex was so important to him.  I viewed it as *so* baseless in a relationship. I felt (and still do) that sex is something done at the start when you get to know someone - the courting stage, once you know them, you don't need to do it anymore, and the thought of having to be intimate produces a variety of reactions from obligation, repulsion, frustration and then deep deep depression when you realize you're hurting the other person and hurting yourself too.  

 

All that being said, I didn't realize I was fray until after I divorced and deep-dived into my life, and so, with you and your partner going into this with eyes wide open (did I just unintentionally misquote quote Creed? and sing the last bit, yes, yes I did) I think you're in for a better chance. Sorry for being blunt though... 

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Captain Borage
On 1/12/2023 at 4:44 AM, angel76 said:

I'm also in this situation. Amazing crazy sex for 3 months then gone. I feel like I've been hoodwinked as sex is VERY important to me. I thought he was the same but after we were in love sex became a rare occasion and frankly not even fun. I'm hurt and angry to be honest. It's been a torturous 3 years and I don't know if I can continue living a basically celibate life even though I love him. It's just not what I signed up for and feels extremely selfish and unfair. I'm expected to be faithful yet never enjoy a healthy sex life? It's not ok. I have never experienced rejection like this and it rips my heart out. I cry myself to sleep so often and feel so unloved even though I know he loves me I can't help but feel insecure and upset. I don't know how anyone can make this work. I'm just not ok with being physically unwanted by the person I love. This is more painful to me than physical abuse and I'm not exaggerating..

Hi Angel76, 

Please talk to your partner - I totally understand why you're angry, but maybe you guys can discuss it. It's not fair if you're feeling like this and I'm sure he doesn't want you to be feeling insecure and upset. :(

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  • 1 month later...
On 5/30/2023 at 8:02 PM, Captain Borage said:

I felt (and still do) that sex is something done at the start when you get to know someone - the courting stage, once you know them, you don't need to do it anymore, and the thought of having to be intimate produces a variety of reactions from obligation, repulsion, frustration and then deep deep depression when you realize you're hurting the other person and hurting yourself too.  

I feel this. I had a recent breakup of a long term relationship,  and this was a large factor leading to the end. 

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  • 4 months later...
On 9/11/2018 at 7:04 AM, Hel* said:

Im interested in this term as it relates well to my past experiences. I had alot more sex when i was younger... however it was always quite meaningless to me, rarely enjoyable, (i enjoyed the interpersonal effects - closeness, trust, knowing - more than the action. The idea of 'sexual attraction' is still one i cant get my head around) and i think now that i used it as a way to become close to other people.. especially as i have always struggled making true friends. For a while i was polyamorous as sex was so meaningless to me.. i couldnt really understand monogamy (i still dont really).

 

This all backfired every time though... every time i was with a partner for more than a few months (6 partners fall into this category, 2 of which were monogamous) i would go off sex completely. My most recent relationship is monogamous (at his request) and we have not had sex for 4 years.

 

Many people would just say 'oh you get bored easily'.. but right now its not just my partner (who i adore) that i dont want sex with, i dont want it with anyone. I dont even masturbate. If it was a case of getting bored.. surely i would be at least tempted to cheat or go back to polyamory? 

 

Was i attracted to them sexually at first? Im not sure. I was drawn to them, intrigued by them, wanted to know them better.

 

Part of me thinks i should leave him to see what happens.. but if i then want casual sex (for whatever reason) does that prove anything? Will the mysterious 'attraction' appear out of nowhere? Will it be genuine? And if i was to start a new relationship (poly or not) and this happens again... 

 

It feels like i need to accept this as the way i am and work with it..  Either that or im going to end up in endless failed relationships. 

 

Sorry.. turned into a ramble. 

I absolutely identify in many ways with your account. I am in my mid 50s with a recurrent pattern of managing just about enough sex for about a month to form a romantic bond in my 3 long-term relationships, with number 3 being my (long suffering) husband with whom I (just about) managed to have 2 lovely children.  I almost always found sex relatively unpleasant, to the point of nausea afterwards, with this experience increasing every decade that passes. And zero sexual trauma. At all stages of my life (as I recall! I don't think my younger self would disagree...) I would have been happy never to have sex again, were it possible to maintain a relationship without sex. I never understood why until starting to learn more about the asexual spectrum this year. My husband and I almost never have sex now - I have proposed an open relationship for him to get his needs met, but that is not what he wants. Guilt about what I have inflicted upon my husband is absolutely the most difficult part of this for me. My middle long term relationship was with a lovely but odd man who, in retrospect, was probably also on the asexual spectrum. This relationship ended as I wanted to have children. I have a happy disposition and a very satisfying life in every other regard, but the burden of guilt in relation to feeling I have (accidentally, due to ignorance about my sexuality) negatively affected my husband's life is very tough.

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