whitetulips

fraysexuality

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whitetulips

Even though I’m pretty sure that I’m ace, I want to learn more about fraysexuality. Can anyone who is fraysexual share their experinces so that I can understand better? Even if you are not fray, any information is appriciated so muchhh!

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TheAP

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to The Gray Area.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

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Kayze

I wasn't going to post cause I'm not fraysexual but it seems to kinda be the inverse of demisexuality?

 

Quote

Fraysexuality is a sexual orientation condition where the individual feels sexual attraction to someone after meeting, although the attraction fades as the emotional bond strengthens.

At first glance, it seems like a very common behavior than an actual sexual orientation. And I'd fear that most people identifying as fraysexual are sexual people that just lost sexual attraction to that specific person, which is hard to equate as part of the ace spectrum. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction in other person. Generally it means ANYONE, regardless of one's relationship. Gray-asexuality says that asexuality is true most of the time but there are limited circumstances or technicalities that might not fit the exact definition. But even then, gray-asexual is more of an additional classifier than a real orientation, since someone could be a gray-a homosexual (meaning their limited sexual attraction experience is only to the same sex).

 

Hopefully more people can chime in on this and help give a better picture on how this is an orientation over just a behavior outside of sexual identities.

 

 

EDIT: Also, there seems to have been some discussion on this here: 

Haven't read it fully, so not sure how valid or accurate the discussion is to today's understanding.

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ryn2

I’m trying to sort this one out for myself right now... asexual who gets wrapped up in NRE v. truly freysexual v. sexual or greysexual who doesn’t particularly care for vanilla PIV and who gets bored easily?  For me, at least, it’s hard to know (especially because I’m old and trying to remember back to many years ago).

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Hel*

Im interested in this term as it relates well to my past experiences. I had alot more sex when i was younger... however it was always quite meaningless to me, rarely enjoyable, (i enjoyed the interpersonal effects - closeness, trust, knowing - more than the action. The idea of 'sexual attraction' is still one i cant get my head around) and i think now that i used it as a way to become close to other people.. especially as i have always struggled making true friends. For a while i was polyamorous as sex was so meaningless to me.. i couldnt really understand monogamy (i still dont really).

 

This all backfired every time though... every time i was with a partner for more than a few months (6 partners fall into this category, 2 of which were monogamous) i would go off sex completely. My most recent relationship is monogamous (at his request) and we have not had sex for 4 years.

 

Many people would just say 'oh you get bored easily'.. but right now its not just my partner (who i adore) that i dont want sex with, i dont want it with anyone. I dont even masturbate. If it was a case of getting bored.. surely i would be at least tempted to cheat or go back to polyamory? 

 

Was i attracted to them sexually at first? Im not sure. I was drawn to them, intrigued by them, wanted to know them better.

 

Part of me thinks i should leave him to see what happens.. but if i then want casual sex (for whatever reason) does that prove anything? Will the mysterious 'attraction' appear out of nowhere? Will it be genuine? And if i was to start a new relationship (poly or not) and this happens again... 

 

It feels like i need to accept this as the way i am and work with it..  Either that or im going to end up in endless failed relationships. 

 

Sorry.. turned into a ramble. 

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CBC

Honestly I chalk it up to (very common and normal) loss of interest in someone once the newness and excitement have worn off, and/or issues with things like intimacy, commitment or certain aspects of maturity. At any rate, it's at least not an orientation (which is something that describes who you're attracted to, not how you experience that attraction) so much as a behavioural/psychological pattern.

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Hel*
30 minutes ago, CBC said:

At any rate, it's at least not an orientation (which is something that describes who you're attracted to, not how you experience that attraction) so much as a behavioural/psychological pattern.

I agree with most of your post but I kind of disagree with this. If the pattern is reoccuring (in my case over 15 years) then there can be a who (strangers). Like the opposite to demisexuality where the who is close friends.

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FictoCannibal.
3 hours ago, Hel* said:

I agree with most of your post but I kind of disagree with this. If the pattern is reoccuring (in my case over 15 years) then there can be a who (strangers). Like the opposite to demisexuality where the who is close friends.

But it's still hetero, homo, pan, or bi: That's the orientation. The rest is just describing preferences within those orientations (and that includes demisexuality - demi and freysexuality are how someone desires, not who they desire).

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CBC

Yes, by 'who', I meant gender and/or biological sex. Not strangers or old people or Asians or doctors or blondes.

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Kayze

Generally, I feel identities/labels are important for when something is outside of a norm. Fraysexual just feels like a typical occurrence that majority of people experience. Maybe not as drastic? But sexual attraction diminishes over time for everyone. Even if the sex is still good, the initial excitement and mystery is now gone.

 

I'm open to getting a better idea of its importance as an identity because a similar argument could be given to gray-asexuality or even people thinking asexuality is the same as celibacy. Though, gray-asexuality is a nice umbrella for "far from the sexual norm but technically doesn't fit asexual either; very rare/specific sexual attraction triggers" and I don't see the need to be overly specific on common sexual conditions within the umbrella for label/identity reasons.

 

Also, I misspoke by referring fraysexuality as an orientation though. As the definition even says, it's a condition; a modifier for an orientation. Even gray-asexuality is technically a sexual orientation condition since sexual attraction happens at times and that attraction fits an actual orientation that may or may not be the same as romantic orientation.

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ryn2

Assuming I’m correctly assuming what I experience is freysexuality, which is something that’s definitely still up for debate, one thing that may differentiate it from typical sexual experience is that it’s just the sexual interest that fades; the romantic relationship (from my perspective) remains.  It’s like after the excitement wears off I revert to a baseline of heteroromantic ace.

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