Jump to content

I feel glad and sad that I have found this site.


Sadsea

Recommended Posts

Hi, This is the first time that I have posted and I feel very relieved that I have found this site.  I have been unhappy for such a long time and I finally understand the reason why.  I am sexual and my husband is not and I have always thought that it was because of me that we have problems - not thin enough, not perfect!  I have even thought that my husband withholds physical intimacy to punish me for my shortcomings.  He finds it hard to discuss things but has explained that he doesn't feel any desire for me or for anyone - I have always taken this personally but having read lots of the posts on this site, I think that he may be asexual.  The whole issue has been complicated because he also told me a number of years ago that he didn't love me anymore - he then took this back and said he loved me but wasn't in love with me.  I have said that if he could be happier with someone else I would understand but he is adamant that he wants us to stay together and work on things.  l feel absolutely lost at the moment and if anyone has any advice I would be really grateful.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
Semiterrestrial Scientist

Hi 👋🏼 Welcome to AVEN 🎉Sorry you and your husband are having problems. I’m young and haven’t been married but I will try to help out at least a little. 

 

First off, marriage counseling. A licensed professional will most likely be of more help than people on the internet. Second thing, why does he want to stay in this marriage if he isn’t in love with you? You have already stated your discontentment with this marriage. What would solve this discontentment and is this solution attainable? I think the most important question though, is are you still in love with him? If one of the partners in a relationship is not in love with the other person, no matter how much the other person loves them, neither person will ever be truly content. 

 

I hope this helps. If it doesn’t, sorry and good luck with your marriage. 🍀

Link to post
Share on other sites
ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø

@Sadsea Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! Have an infinite amount of 🍰!

 

It sounds that you're in a tough position. I cannot be of much help but to recommend to your husband to join heAVEN, if he hasn't already.

 

Peace and unity; I hope you guys get this worked out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. I think the advice of a marriage counselor is a great idea, as others have said. 

 

My big question is what he truly means when he says that he loves you but isn't "in love" with you. It is natural for feelings of intense attraction and excitement to fizzle out a bit over time into a more comfortable and less intense feeling, that is normal- especially when a couple has been together a long time. He might be hitting some kind of period of boredom with his life and blaming relationship staleness on it. I think this would be something good to delve into deeper to figure out exactly what's going on with your husband- but odds are, if he's never felt sexual attraction, he is asexual. At that point, you have a few questions to ask yourself- can I be happy in this relationship knowing my partner will never desire me sexually? Is my partner willing to compromise on sexual intimacy and will that be enough for me? Am I happy with the other aspects of my relationship? 

 

You talk a lot about what he feels and what he wants to do, but what about you? Do you believe the relationship is worth saving? Your feelings on this matter are just as valid as his. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

He may be like me and doesn't experience "love" or "hate" or any of those strong emotions. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you Sadsea and from what you wrote I think your relation is important to him as he wants to make it work. ( he wants us to stay together and work on things )

 

I can only try to explain how it's for me. So may be you could check and discuss this with your husband and see if him and me have some common ground on the subject.

 

I've never experienced any form of love or true love in my entire life (49 here) but this doesn't mean that some people are or were not important to me, on the contrary. I don't love my mother or my sister (my dad died 15 Years ago) or didn't truly love my ex girlfriend. But those people, and some others, are or were very important to me and I'll  or would do everything to help them out or make them happy.

I don't lie (could be wrong or misguided although) so for me it's impossible to tell my mother or sister "I love you mom" "I love you sis" as this would feel wrong. I tried, my word for it, but it made me feel miserable because I felt it was a lie.

I do although experience feelings, sometimes very strong ones, including towards people. But those feelings never translate in strong or very strong lasting emotions.

 

Relation wise I just evaluate the amount of positive feelings vs negative feelings that I experience towards others surrounding me.

Close family is important to me (mom and sis) because I'm wired to accept that those two ones are the most important human beings in my life. But there's no emotion attached to it, no love or desire to be close to them.

With my ex girlfriend (my only one as an adult) the amount of none/neutral and positive feelings outweighed by far the amount of negative feelings I experienced when in her companie or when I thought about her. It often felt nice when she was around but there was no love or sexual desire linked to it. She was just someone I could feel  myself living together with.

 

I hope this helps a bit and good luck as this isn't going to be an easy path Sadsea.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello @Sadsea

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. So this is what I can suggest.

1. As @Nidwin has said before, some people just don’t feel love, but do care deeply for close people. My ace partner is the same – he openly says that he’s never felt love. But he is so caring, tender and considerate around me that I have no doubt – I’m very important for him, and whatever he feels for me is enough to keep me happy. So, in your system of definitions, does he love you? How do you know whether a person loves you?

2. As it has been already said, you two have some sex-related decisions to make. Is your husband ready to compromise and will that be good enough for you? Communication is key here – you both will have to learn to talk about it, calmly and amicably.

All in all, people in mixed relationships can be very happy, but can also be totally miserable. And yes, mixed relationships are hard. So, when you get an idea of your relationships are going to be like, you should double-check if this is what you want.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This site really helped me as well when I understood that some people simply do not want sex.  It made me understand how my near-asexual wife felt.   I've been able to stop worrying that there is something *wrong* with me that causes her not to desire me. 

 

That said, it also made me realize that it will never get "better".  

 

I usually say:  Leave, Cheat, Live like a Nun / Monk.     Its a very sad choice but I think that is what you and I have available.  Its up to you which of those choices will make you less unhappy. 

 

My only recommendation is that you give up hope that things will improve.  The constant dashing of that hope is an endless source of pain.  (been doing it for more that 30 years) .

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so grateful for all of the replies to my post - I feel less alone.  @uhtred thank you - I've been trying to understand what is going on for 24 years and I try to optimistic about the future - but it looks quite bleak at the moment.  @SilentRose  @Nidwin  @Lara Black  and @SuperAceLogicianthank you for your replies - my husband does not think that counselling would benefit him but he has said that recently that he would consider it - I have been much more direct recently, about the possibility of leaving the relationship and I think this is why he is willing to consider it.  I know it sounds stupid but I just want back what I thought that I had at the start - a partner who loved me and wanted me - I know that this is not possible.  He has said that he will try to be more loving but that he can't promise that we will ever be intimate again.  I am currently trying to jump through hoops - losing weight - as my husband thinks that this is part of the problem (I think this contributes to the overall picture but isn't the real issue).  My main problem is that I don't really know what I want at the moment! @The Angel of Eternity - thank you for my cake :cake: - I certainly needed some.

Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, Sadsea said:

my husband does not think that counselling would benefit him but he has said that recently that he would consider it 

Maybe it would be useful for him to look at it as a way to determine “next steps” for your relationship, not something aimed at “curing” his potential asexuality or otherwise changing him/how he feels personally.  It’s more about communicating effectively and collectively deciding if the relationship can meet enough of your needs going forward.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@ryn2that is a really good point - I think looking at the "next steps" would appeal to my husband.  The communication aspect of our relationship is difficult as my husband says that talking about our issues makes him feel down.  From my point of view - not talking about our problems makes me feel down.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, that’s where involving a therapist who’s familiar with asexuality/LGBT+ can be helpful. Issues within a relationship are sad/unpleasant and it’s normal and okay for you to both feel down about things (even if it’s not the same things).  A neutral third party can help you both have effective discussions/get your respective points across.

 

Don’t beat yourself up over your weight unless it’s a change you want to make (for yourself) anyway.  Regardless of whether or not he finds thinner women more aesthetically pleasing, if he’s ace no amount of weightloss on your part will change that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Sadsea said:

losing weight - as my husband thinks that this is part of the problem

ugh, I'm sorry, just picking this out as a really painful thing to be told, especially when it might not actually help. I'm sorry. (And... I weirdly lost a lot of weight after I realized it didn't matter to my partner, I guess it was happier to do it for myself.)

does he say why talking about the issues make him feel down?

 

like @ryn2 says, maybe sometimes people are stressed when they think it's about "curing" ... when what's needed is more understanding & acceptance ... and from that, discovering the things that are possible, rather than the things that aren't. Fingers crossed for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Sadsea said:

I am so grateful for all of the replies to my post - I feel less alone.  @uhtred thank you - I've been trying to understand what is going on for 24 years and I try to optimistic about the future - but it looks quite bleak at the moment.  @SilentRose  @Nidwin  @Lara Black  and @SuperAceLogicianthank you for your replies - my husband does not think that counselling would benefit him but he has said that recently that he would consider it - I have been much more direct recently, about the possibility of leaving the relationship and I think this is why he is willing to consider it.  I know it sounds stupid but I just want back what I thought that I had at the start - a partner who loved me and wanted me - I know that this is not possible.  He has said that he will try to be more loving but that he can't promise that we will ever be intimate again.  I am currently trying to jump through hoops - losing weight - as my husband thinks that this is part of the problem (I think this contributes to the overall picture but isn't the real issue).  My main problem is that I don't really know what I want at the moment! @The Angel of Eternity - thank you for my cake :cake: - I certainly needed some.

Your weight is not the issue, almost certainly it is not something you are doing or not doing.  My wife is in her mid 50s, badly distorted breast from cancer, and all the other things that happen with age.   I don't see *any* of that, I just see and desire the woman I've loved for over 30 years.   Sadly while she loves me, she doesn't and never has desired me.  (and never will). 

 

So stop jumping through hoops - you can't change this, all you will do is build resentment because you are trying so hard but he simply cannot feel the way you want him to feel. 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Sadsea said:

Hi @anisotropicThank you for your reply - he says that when we talk, he realises that I am so unhappy and it makes him feel helpless. 

I guess, uh, him trying some therapy might make you happier? Sorry to be flippant...

But I think you could (should?) start with therapy for yourself. Something ace-aware if you can, for sure, since you're feeling this might be underlying it all. (Therapists active in the LGBTQIA+ communities are more likely to have more experience with asexuality.) With my spouse, we never did couple-counselling, it was mostly me solo, and he did some solo counselling later (after being convinced, hah).

You don't need to wait for him. Maybe it would help in some way to see that you're doing it. Plus you could be getting a therapist's advice on how to communicate with him, things to try.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...