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My fiancee is asexual and reaching my limit


Boldantpro

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You're right, it's exactly the same as having a partner come out as gay, in a heterosexual marriage. But for sexual partners, we know most friends and family will accept and sympathise with a gay partner. But with an asexual partner, there's first of all some education to be done, and then a degree of skepticism that the asexuality isn't just both partners in denial that the relationship has something else wrong with it. That's how sexual partners end up as allies and advocates.

CC'ing @Wandering Around @The Dryad @AthenaFay as well...


The damage to partners is so real. Broken by the years -- and when I pull myself together, I can't have the shape I had. I think I mostly like the new shape so far, but ... can it last? And I had to hammer myself into it, over many months, and it's been an intensely isolating process. I had a lot of therapy (for myself, with a LGBTQIA+ therapist, to adapt), and most importantly, my partner has been with me the whole way -- which has created new bonds of trust and love.
 

One of the things I resent in queer conversations is the use of the phrase "mixed orientation relationship" to include bisexual, as if it were even close to the same ballpark. I see "mixed relationships are possible!" headlined, only to find the orientation "problem" is that one partner is bisexual. I mean, congrats on becoming open-minded and accepting! But also... holy shit. Your partner is attracted to a larger set of people... but you're still a candidate? How can you act like you are anywhere near visiting this landscape of pain?

Gay-with-cross-gender-partner is absolutely the closest thing to ace/allo. Some parts feel worse to me, some feel more hopeful.

Same stuff...
  - as a general rule, essentially nobody would recommend a sexual person to hitch up with someone that will never find them attractive
  - emotional responses are much of the same, check out the list here: https://www.algbtical.org/2A GAY SPOUSES.htm

  - direct quote from the above: "Shocked... Alone... Isolated... Betrayed... Confused... Relieved... Hurt... Disbelief... Bitter... Empathic... Self-blame... Shattered trust... Panic... Guilt... Disappointment... Fear... Anger... Rage... Shame... Denial... Despair... Devastation... Repulsion... Victimized... Entitled... Acceptance"

Harder for gay-with-cross-gender-partner...
  - a gay partner may fall in love with someone else and have sexual satisfaction with them -- but never with you
  - a gay partner may be celebrated for their bravery, while people forget / don't care how much damage was caused to their partner
  - high awareness of homosexuality makes it harder to say "we didn't know this was possible" (so the issue may be dismissed as a consequence of homophobic attitudes within the couple -- i.e. their own fault)

Harder for ace/allo...
  - there's a "straight spouse network" for partners of gay/bi, but ace/allo doesn't seem to be part of that community
  - you can have a sex change and it won't help (maybe odd, but this one gets to me since I'm probably NB/genderfluid/agender)
  - almost nobody knows about asexuality; if they've heard of it, they don't know much about it
  - almost anyone you tell about it will dismiss it (probably without saying so outright) as one or more of the following: ED, low libido, HSDD, hang ups, aversion/repulsion, or communication/trust issues

I think some of the items in the last list should become easier -- increased awareness and more community are things that can get better over time.

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Yeah, I’ve never quite understood why bi-mono + het-mono is considered “mixed” as both are within the set of potential partner matches for the other.  I can see homophobia being an issue, but not in a markedly greater way than it would be if one het partner is markedly homophobic and the other het partner is a vocal LGBT+ ally.

 

I guess I should ask my bi and pan friends.

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Wandering Around
7 hours ago, anisotropic said:

CC'ing @Wandering Around @The Dryad @AthenaFay as well...


The damage to partners is so real. Broken by the years -- and when I pull myself together, I can't have the shape I had. I think I mostly like the new shape so far, but ... can it last? And I had to hammer myself into it, over many months, and it's been an intensely isolating process. I had a lot of therapy (for myself, with a LGBTQIA+ therapist, to adapt), and most importantly, my partner has been with me the whole way -- which has created new bonds of trust and love.
 

One of the things I resent in queer conversations is the use of the phrase "mixed orientation relationship" to include bisexual, as if it were even close to the same ballpark. I see "mixed relationships are possible!" headlined, only to find the orientation "problem" is that one partner is bisexual. I mean, congrats on becoming open-minded and accepting! But also... holy shit. Your partner is attracted to a larger set of people... but you're still a candidate? How can you act like you are anywhere near visiting this landscape of pain?

Gay-with-cross-gender-partner is absolutely the closest thing to ace/allo. Some parts feel worse to me, some feel more hopeful.

Same stuff...
  - as a general rule, essentially nobody would recommend a sexual person to hitch up with someone that will never find them attractive
  - emotional responses are much of the same, check out the list here: https://www.algbtical.org/2A GAY SPOUSES.htm

  - direct quote from the above: "Shocked... Alone... Isolated... Betrayed... Confused... Relieved... Hurt... Disbelief... Bitter... Empathic... Self-blame... Shattered trust... Panic... Guilt... Disappointment... Fear... Anger... Rage... Shame... Denial... Despair... Devastation... Repulsion... Victimized... Entitled... Acceptance"

Harder for gay-with-cross-gender-partner...
  - a gay partner may fall in love with someone else and have sexual satisfaction with them -- but never with you
  - a gay partner may be celebrated for their bravery, while people forget / don't care how much damage was caused to their partner
  - high awareness of homosexuality makes it harder to say "we didn't know this was possible" (so the issue may be dismissed as a consequence of homophobic attitudes within the couple -- i.e. their own fault)

Harder for ace/allo...
  - there's a "straight spouse network" for partners of gay/bi, but ace/allo doesn't seem to be part of that community
  - you can have a sex change and it won't help (maybe odd, but this one gets to me since I'm probably NB/genderfluid/agender)
  - almost nobody knows about asexuality; if they've heard of it, they don't know much about it
  - almost anyone you tell about it will dismiss it (probably without saying so outright) as one or more of the following: ED, low libido, HSDD, hang ups, aversion/repulsion, or communication/trust issues

I think some of the items in the last list should become easier -- increased awareness and more community are things that can get better over time.

Yeah hetero+Bi is nowhere near the same landscape as this... I didn't realize anyone actually thought it was.... I am well and truly stunned to find this out. 

 

Thank you for the CC/Tag btw *hugs* 

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In my experience as an asexual (used to be heteroromantic, but now somewhat aromantic)  it would not be a good idea to commit to someone for life when you are already frustrated with how things are.

 

I do think marriage should be about the individual someone is marrying but there has to be a similar level of compatibility around sex or you start to see the person in a different light over a long period of time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

RRRUUUUNNNNN away. This will be a lifetime of misery. I was blind for years and now I'm stuck. Kid, house, bank account. Don't do it. If I had known she was this way I never would have done it. You deserve better. Despite what you may hear on this site, sex is vital to a sexual male at least THIS sexual male. Run run as fast as you can.

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