kayzooie Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 I'm not asexual at all and have a really high sex drive but my girlfriend asexual who is okay with some sexual acts but obviously gets nothing from it herself, it's really hard for me because I'm a really touchy sexual person and I'm not sure what to do now. I love her so much and wouldn't ever disrespect her or her sexuality. I'm trying to be the best that I can be for her but I want to discuss this with her but I'm worried she might get upset? since the last time I brought it up she suggested that I just deal with it myself but sexual romance is a massive part of a relationship for me so it's not that easy. Any advice on how to discuss this with her? or even tips for me on being in this relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
LP1204 Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 It's really interesting that the two of you have extremely opposite sex drives but it's really sweet that you would never disrespect her or how she feels. I would be open and honest with her because if she knows how you feel, maybe you can work out some kind of compromise. If she gets upset, then she will probably just need time to try and understand how you are feeling. As an asexual myself, I can't really get into the mind of someone with a high sex drive because I have no interest in sex. So maybe you just need to help her understand how you think and feel. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 Hi @kayzooie yes, she migth be upset, but waiting wont make it much easier. Accept her and ask her what she feels/wants/is okay with. Try to find out about her limits or boundaries. Explain how you feel and what you dream about. Sometimes making businesslike agreements can help. Schedule your sex and dont expect much more than “for your sake”-enthusiasm. if you value her and love her and feel like she is a keeper, then figth for it, but dont forget about yourself in this. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 12 hours ago, kayzooie said: I'm not asexual at all and have a really high sex drive but my girlfriend asexual who is okay with some sexual acts but obviously gets nothing from it herself, it's really hard for me because I'm a really touchy sexual person and I'm not sure what to do now. I love her so much and wouldn't ever disrespect her or her sexuality. I'm trying to be the best that I can be for her but I want to discuss this with her but I'm worried she might get upset? since the last time I brought it up she suggested that I just deal with it myself but sexual romance is a massive part of a relationship for me so it's not that easy. Any advice on how to discuss this with her? or even tips for me on being in this relationship? You'd never disrespect her sexuality - as you shouldn't - but when you mention your issues with your sex life as a couple she tells you to handle it yourself. Sounds like there's an imbalance there, and you both need to discuss how you're both going to work on the relationship problem together, rather than her just chucking it back at you. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: You'd never disrespect her sexuality - as you shouldn't - but when you mention your issues with your sex life as a couple she tells you to handle it yourself. Sounds like there's an imbalance there, and you both need to discuss how you're both going to work on the relationship problem together, rather than her just chucking it back at you. This might not be disrespect; she might not realize masturbation doesn’t actually fulfill OP’s needs, especially if she personally prefers masturbation to partnered sex. Agreed with everyone that open, honest discussion is the best next step regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 Maybe. I didn't read the OP's description as not mentioning that he sees sex as an intrinsic part of a relationship. Even if she's fine with masturbation, assuming he is too, after he's said that, is fairly dismissive. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 59 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Maybe. I didn't read the OP's description as not mentioning that he sees sex as an intrinsic part of a relationship. Even if she's fine with masturbation, assuming he is too, after he's said that, is fairly dismissive. I got the impression it was a topic they had discussed minimally. Of course, I could be incorrect. Link to post Share on other sites
Anemoon Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 Well, if my partner told me to deal with it myself, I would feel rather unseen (sorry, English isn't native language and I can't find the right word). The point is that you need to deal with it TOGETHER. Or step out of it. I'm in a relationship with an asexual man and we kind of evaluate every few weeks. How is it working for the both of us. I understand my situation is different because in general I can go without sex. But I can't go without romance, cuddles, kisses en that kind of thing. My boyfriend isn't aromantic but... well... he thinks about it once in a blue moon. So we evaluate. Am I getting what I need? Am I going over his boundaries? What could we change? How? Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 I'd suggest transitioning to an expressly non-monogamous QPR, which leaves you free to seek sex where you wish while also being in a committed relationship with her, where sex is not each other's business - whether or who you sex. Allows for most equality and will prevent a million problems navigating difficult sexual mismatches forever after. Understand this - if sexual romance is important to you, it is also disrespectful to your sexuality to expect you to agree to another form of romance, just as expecting her to compromise is disrespectful to her (a)sexuality. If both of you are able to find a working compromise on occasional sexual behavior that is less than what you want, more than what she wants, but both can live with it, it is a possibility, but the willingness to offer to agree to what is less than acceptable has to be mutual, or sooner or later, you are going to realize that you are in a relationship where you don't feel satisfied and you will be even more entangled than you are now. This is the time when you are setting up your relationship still. I'd highly recommend setting it up so that neither of you have to compromise and if you don't vibe sexually, don't get into a sexual relationship with her at all, and keep your sexual relationships for those who you do match with. Keep the relationship with her platonic and sex completely off the table. As in, her asexuality is not your business and your sexuality is not hers. That way, when you do have a sexual relationship or even engage in casual sex or whatever, there are less messes to navigate and she doesn't have to feel guilty or pressured about something she can't help. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredhubby Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Know yourself. If you NEED sex to be happy. You wont be happy with her. Do you really want to spend your life feeling inadequate, ugly, undesirable? I'm 52 and had I known back then, I would have run. Link to post Share on other sites
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