whitehorse Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 I have not came to a decision yet if I agree that an asexual would be good with a sexual and vice versa. It is a tough situation for all. For whose preference rules out: it certain ly can't be both. And, how do you or could you ever decide? Perhaps or depending upon how sexual a sexual is or would there be sex outside the relationship by the sexual, then would the relationship remain or be kept platonic relationship or is it best to have no committed relationship at all and remain as each others soulmates/best friends. The man I am in a relationship is as follows: I don't think there could be a much better man outside of the bedroom than what he is 2)but the differences in sexuality is tearing me apart 3)for him he seems ok -- for their is no sex 4)allows me to have a sexual relationship with another man 5)for me, I have never done such a thing -- my heart is for him and I long for his touch/love-making ----never before have I shed so many tears. If he was not such a fine man and I could find as fine of a man as he is outside of the bedroom --- I would have been gone. But it is the way he is that keeps me loving him and in love with him and just heart sicken that we cannot make love. I do not know if I am right or wrong to walk away from him. He does not want me to and says he will do anything for me not to including me having another man. That sounds fair but make it into reality. It doesn't seem possible. Intellectually maybe it is but with the heart it doesn't seem possible. So then what do you ever do with such a dilemna? Never seen anything like this in my life. Never known of anything like this in my life. I went a long time w/o sex with my first husband after we were divorced. I feel there is so much missing being sexual with a man w/o love and there have been few men in my life that I have been in love with therefore few men in my life that I have been sexual with. My nature is severely monogamous. I wish my make-up was less monogamous--then I think I could do it. Since I went so long without sex following my marriage he thinks I should not have such a big deal with going without sex for another 15 years. I didn't realize at the time or suspect him being asexual and said to him that was the most stupidest thing I ever did and if I had to do over again I would never go w/o sex like that. I didn't realize at the time what I was missing til I was in my next to last (this being last relationship here with asexual) man and he was a marvelous lover. He loved women and women's bodies. So much that he loved other women outside of our relationship. Trust became an issue cause he lied about it and our relationship ended over a lack of trust. If only I could put these two men together--making the one out of bed as good as the other is in bed and the one in bed as good as the other is out of bed. I wonder how much I am conditioned by our mores and society and feminization of my role/female partner to male to be/feel as I do. Why can't I have a male lover and a male soulmate? Why is it that I can't seem to accept the former? Link to post Share on other sites
jaybird721 Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 It must be really tough for you in this relationship... on the one hand, you obviously care about this man, and he gives you so much, but on the other you really want physical intimacy with him. I don't know if there is a real "solution," but you can try and make compromises. :? You have to figure out what you want more - companionship with this man, or a sexual relationship with another man, which may or may not be as emotionally fulfilling. If you really believe that he is your soulmate, it is unlikely that you'll find someone who meets your emotional needs in the same way, but again, sex is a problem [i doubt either of you will change in this respect]. Have you two worked out any compromises that would help you? I wish I could be more helpful... :| Link to post Share on other sites
whitehorse Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 Well - yes and no. He has opened up a little more -- with touch/ fondling. But, reverts back and says don't touch me anymore. Then, reverts back and acts but not says so I have to guess and I am tired of guessing what not to do and what to do with this man -- like after a shower lying on my bed naked with a hard on -- now if that is not an invitation what is? The distance between us is a bummer --he is about 14 hr. drive away. I asked him if we can compromise on this: his response was I have I drove 900 miles or maybe it is 700 but remains 14 hr. drive to see you. Another time I told him but I have to do all the compromising all the time. He said well I do too. I said well how do you figure you compromise. He responded laughing saying something like dodging you --- with a sense of humor in his response. He has talked about wanting companionship type relationship. Talked and initiated that we are soulmates. Talks that he loves me. Talks that he does not want this to end and will do anything so it will not. Link to post Share on other sites
jaybird721 Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Maybe you guys could work out what kinds of touching are ok so that both of you can be happy? Just keep talking to him; I'm sure if you guys are really soulmates you'll be able to work something out. After all, all relationships have compromises, and the ones that work are the ones where both people choose to make compromises for someone they care about. Link to post Share on other sites
whitehorse Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 Still trying. Can not get him to talk via phone/letter. However, now agrees to talk to me when I go out there to see him. Link to post Share on other sites
whitehorse Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 I can't get this man to talk about this topic. He is nearly fifty years old. Link to post Share on other sites
Rabger Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 I have not came to a decision yet if I agree that an asexualwould be good with a sexual and vice versa. It is a tough situation for all. For whose preference rules out: it certain ly can't be both. Why can't it be both? Why does one have to trump the other? Relationships require compromise, after all. Sometimes INDIVIDUAL sexuals and asexuals are just too far apart to be compatible. An extremely sexual individual would not make a good match for someone that is absolutely disgusted with sex, for example. But sexuals vary in nature just as widely as asexuals. I know of a couple sexual/asexual couples that work out quite well. But you can have an extremely sexual sexual and a sexual that doesn't feel the need to have sex all the time.... two sexuals in a relationship, and have the same exact problem that you're talking about. One wanting sex a lot more than the other one. You seem to be suggesting that sexual/asexual might not work, but sometimes sexual/sexual doesn't work either. You can't base something like this on orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
Rabger Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 You guys all tell me and I agree with everyone of you. You need to talk. You need to communicate. I try. Last attempt, I decided to write down all my feelings in a letter.... You've used this exact same post in at least 4 different threads. Is there any particular reason? Link to post Share on other sites
jaybird721 Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 You've used this exact same post in at least 4 different threads. Is there any particular reason? Yeah, multiple posts saying the same thing will get the same responses... Link to post Share on other sites
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