It Is A Tough Situation For All To Be In-- For vs. Against

[whitehorse]

I have not came to a decision yet if I agree that an asexual

would be good with a sexual and vice versa. It is a tough

situation for all. For whose preference rules out: it certain

ly can't be both. And, how do you or could you ever decide?

Perhaps or depending upon how sexual a sexual is or would

there be sex outside the relationship by the sexual, then would

the relationship remain or be kept platonic relationship or is

it best to have no committed relationship at all and remain

as each others soulmates/best friends.

The man I am in a relationship is as follows: I don't think

there could be a much better man outside of the bedroom

than what he is 2)but the differences in sexuality is tearing me

apart 3)for him he seems ok -- for their is no sex 4)allows me

to have a sexual relationship with another man 5)for me, I have

never done such a thing -- my heart is for him and I long for his

touch/love-making ----never before have I shed so many tears.

If he was not such a fine man and I could find as fine of a man

as he is outside of the bedroom --- I would have been gone.

But it is the way he is that keeps me loving him and in love with

him and just heart sicken that we cannot make love.

I do not know if I am right or wrong to walk away from him.

He does not want me to and says he will do anything for me

not to including me having another man. That sounds fair but

make it into reality. It doesn't seem possible. Intellectually

maybe it is but with the heart it doesn't seem possible.

So then what do you ever do with such a dilemna? Never seen

anything like this in my life. Never known of anything like this

in my life.

I went a long time w/o sex with my first husband after we were

divorced. I feel there is so much missing being sexual with a man

w/o love and there have been few men in my life that I have been

in love with therefore few men in my life that I have been sexual

with. My nature is severely monogamous. I wish my make-up

was less monogamous--then I think I could do it.

Since I went so long without sex following my marriage he thinks

I should not have such a big deal with going without sex for another

15 years. I didn't realize at the time or suspect him being asexual

and said to him that was the most stupidest thing I ever did and if I

had to do over again I would never go w/o sex like that. I didn't

realize at the time what I was missing til I was in my next to last

(this being last relationship here with asexual) man and he was

a marvelous lover. He loved women and women's bodies. So much

that he loved other women outside of our relationship. Trust became

an issue cause he lied about it and our relationship ended over a lack

of trust. If only I could put these two men together--making the one

out of bed as good as the other is in bed and the one in bed as good

as the other is out of bed.

I wonder how much I am conditioned by our mores and society

and feminization of my role/female partner to male to be/feel

as I do. Why can't I have a male lover and a male soulmate?

Why is it that I can't seem to accept the former?

[jaybird721]

It must be really tough for you in this relationship... on the one hand, you obviously care about this man, and he gives you so much, but on the other you really want physical intimacy with him. I don't know if there is a real "solution," but you can try and make compromises. :?

You have to figure out what you want more - companionship with this man, or a sexual relationship with another man, which may or may not be as emotionally fulfilling. If you really believe that he is your soulmate, it is unlikely that you'll find someone who meets your emotional needs in the same way, but again, sex is a problem [i doubt either of you will change in this respect]. Have you two worked out any compromises that would help you?

I wish I could be more helpful... :|

[whitehorse]

Well - yes and no. He has opened up a little more -- with touch/

fondling. But, reverts back and says don't touch me anymore. Then,

reverts back and acts but not says so I have to guess and I am tired of

guessing what not to do and what to do with this man -- like after a shower lying on my bed naked with a hard on -- now if that is not an

invitation what is?

The distance between us is a bummer --he is about 14 hr. drive away.

I asked him if we can compromise on this: his response was I have I drove 900 miles or maybe it is 700 but remains 14 hr. drive to see you.

Another time I told him but I have to do all the compromising all the

time. He said well I do too. I said well how do you figure you compromise. He responded laughing saying something like dodging

you --- with a sense of humor in his response.

He has talked about wanting companionship type relationship. Talked

and initiated that we are soulmates. Talks that he loves me. Talks that

he does not want this to end and will do anything so it will not.

[jaybird721]

Maybe you guys could work out what kinds of touching are ok so that both of you can be happy? Just keep talking to him; I'm sure if you guys are really soulmates you'll be able to work something out. After all, all relationships have compromises, and the ones that work are the ones where both people choose to make compromises for someone they care about.

[whitehorse]

Still trying. Can not get him to talk via phone/letter. However, now agrees to talk to me when I go out there to see him.

[whitehorse]

I can't get this man to talk about this topic. He is nearly fifty years old.

[Rabger]

I have not came to a decision yet if I agree that an asexual

would be good with a sexual and vice versa. It is a tough

situation for all. For whose preference rules out: it certain

ly can't be both.

Why can't it be both? Why does one have to trump the other? Relationships require compromise, after all. Sometimes INDIVIDUAL sexuals and asexuals are just too far apart to be compatible. An extremely sexual individual would not make a good match for someone that is absolutely disgusted with sex, for example. But sexuals vary in nature just as widely as asexuals. I know of a couple sexual/asexual couples that work out quite well. But you can have an extremely sexual sexual and a sexual that doesn't feel the need to have sex all the time.... two sexuals in a relationship, and have the same exact problem that you're talking about. One wanting sex a lot more than the other one. You seem to be suggesting that sexual/asexual might not work, but sometimes sexual/sexual doesn't work either. You can't base something like this on orientation.

[Rabger]

You guys all tell me and I agree with everyone of you. You need to

talk. You need to communicate. I try. Last attempt, I decided to write

down all my feelings in a letter....

You've used this exact same post in at least 4 different threads. Is there any particular reason?

[jaybird721]

You've used this exact same post in at least 4 different threads. Is there any particular reason?

Yeah, multiple posts saying the same thing will get the same responses...