anamikanon Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 How did you go about finding a new partner? Our relationship does not expect monogamy and my ace is fully supportive of me finding other partners to whatever extent I wish - from impulsive one night stands to another live in partner. The problem is more me. I find the app and dating scene quite irritating with too many irrelevant people being interested and I didn't really like anyone and just wasted a lot of time. I am demi and the people I did find nice also didn't "click" sexually. All I achieved was irritating myself. All the people I already know and find attractive are married, except for one who is just getting out of a relationship with a wife he loved very much (she ended it) and is in no space to consider a relationship. Perils of being older - a lot of people in my circles are in committed relationships or committed to not wanting one. In real life, I also have something of a mild public image, so the chances of someone I meet already having heard of me also can complicate initiating the subject with anyone. I also have relatively limited free time, though I suppose my ace could take over the child care and keep an eye on my mom so I can go be with someone on occasion (he won't mind). I am not social and I don't live in a place where there is an active sex scene of any kind - other than perhaps the age old profession of prostitution, which I imagine is everywhere. I am not really interested in meaningless sex only set ups - whether poly or booty calls. I don't see the point of sexing anyone I don't like lots and feel attracted to. My ace suggested that I could join a gym or something that lets me meet more people and see if I like anyone, without feeling obliged to interact. I've mostly given up on the idea because there are too many ducks to line up to even have a chance to find a candidate, let alone actually getting someone going. But sometimes the idea still pops up and I think maybe there is something obvious I've missed or something I haven't tried... I am interested in knowing if you were in a situation that seemed too complicated for polyamory, but managed to have a relationship. Also challenges you faced and things that helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 1 hour ago, anamikanon said: How did you go about finding a new partner? Look on AVEN? Plenty of horny buggers around here ...Oh, wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 My life is complex in that there are the basic demands of two young children, a household to care for, and I run a successful business. On top of that, I too require a connection to desire sex with a partner. Finding my lover took time, patience and dedication measured in months. I sought to connect mentally, then emotionally and eventually physically. We’ve certainly had our own roller coaster, but the fit is extraordinary. How did I do it? I spent time creating and posting an advertisement. I had to post a couple of times to find him, found myself sharing to nowhere with various men as I sought to connect and almost lost hope. The process is exhausting! Once I found him, he was one of two I’d narrowed it down to, and even then I didn’t see it. I wanted to explore the other man initially. It wasn’t until I realized the other man wasn’t after longevity that I focused on my lover. We met in words, took almost a month to meet in person, then dated seriously for maybe two months before beginning our sexual relationship. Today, we are friends first and foremost. It’s complicated for anyone at any age. You have to decide to have the energy for it, dive in full force and get it as right as you can. That takes commitment to the process. Otherwise, take the easy road and go casual if an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 3 hours ago, FictoVore. said: Look on AVEN? Plenty of horny buggers around here ...Oh, wait. Hey, maybe we could start a dating service for sexual partners?)) Too bad we're scattered.) Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Who says there isn't a whole discreet back channel going on already... Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Ahahaha. Ha. Ohh, AVEN... Err... actual advice... let's see. The thing is, you gotta make an effort you might not be used to making if you want to find someone. So yeah, you'll probably have do something like your partner suggested. The gym, classes/courses of some sort, volunteering, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 meetup.com has a bunch of local meetings, some just social, some with actual activities. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 43 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Who says there isn't a whole discreet back channel going on already... So all the “how long it’s been” grumbling on here is just part of the cover? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 It's all incredibly carefully phrased... Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 “Having an affair? No, honey, you’ve got it all wrong. I’ve been posting on AVEN. It’s all asexuals.” Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 2 hours ago, ryn2 said: So all the “how long it’s been” grumbling on here is just part of the cover? Well, maybe for some. If you ever hear me bitching about a lack of recent sex, it's pretty damn legit, haha. Sadly. That's the blessing and the problem with the internet, the people you meet can be bloody well anywhere on this godforsaken planet. Which I guess one doesn't even bother with if they're just looking for sex to fill a void within another relationship; that would be ridiculous. But you know, some of us like to keep it nice and complicated and feelings happen despite our most valiant efforts. 6 minutes ago, ryn2 said: “Having an affair? No, honey, you’ve got it all wrong. I’ve been posting on AVEN. It’s all asexuals.” Yep, AVEN is all asexuals and Donald Trump is a delightful human being. Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Actually someone a few hours from me posted here just the other day, looking for other nearby non-aces. Shame she was straight, haha. (I don't particularly do casual sex without a connection with someone, so I'm mostly joking. But still.) Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 11 hours ago, CBC said: Actually someone a few hours from me posted here just the other day, looking for other nearby non-aces. Shame she was straight, haha. (I don't particularly do casual sex without a connection with someone, so I'm mostly joking. But still.) Neither do I. I’m guessing, that’s what makes it very difficult. I’d love to have a good sex-friend – someone with no commitment, but who I’d enjoy hanging out with and having sex with. Sadly, miracles don’t happen. Oh, wait, the last time I seriously thought that, it was before I met my life partner. I was sure guys like him don’t exist. Now I know there is at least one of them, and he’s with me.) So miracle do happen. ) Gives me hope about the sex-buddy.) Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 I stopped holding my breath for miracles in any area of my life a while ago, but there are a few things I'd like to not give up on completely... so I'll take your word for it that they do indeed happen occasionally. Link to post Share on other sites
RK800 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Well uh, this is a pretty good question. I've never technically had conventional sex but I've had uh...experiences? And I am polyam, and I did at one point have a couple partners though currently I have only one (it feels bad to put it that way but I'm not sure how else I can word it). What I'm saying is take my response with a grain of salt because I'm not sure it'll help you in your situation. I met both my partners online. One in a facebook debate group, and the other over in discord chat (this one is my current partner). I wasn't, at either time, really looking for partners, they just sort of came into my life so I guess I just got lucky (well at least with the second one). Both times I didn't feel...ready for partners. I got a lot of issues, and I figure now with me being in and out of the hospital that there's a chance I might always be like this, so in short; my health issues weren't really the roadblock I needed to work on, self-acceptance was. But enough about that. Meeting people outside 'real life' can be a bit trickier, especially if you're struggling with paranoia or any mental issue that causes similar symptoms (which I was, still am, and somehow still managed so it's really different for everyone). So I don't recommend it for everybody. In your situation if you want to try then you definitely can, but most people would rather try the IRL route so...let's assume that's what you'd like to do. I highly recommend looking for clubs (and not just clubs as in like bars and dance clubs, I mean literal ones. Groups that relate to interests of yours), not only did I meet one partner via a group (albeit an online one) but I've met lot's of friends this way. You can also try gyms, meetup sites, volunteer work, stuff like that. Really put yourself out there. I wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 17 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: Who says there isn't a whole discreet back channel going on already... I actually know several people on AVEN who have found affair partners here.. so there kinda is 😛 Do you have any hobbies you do that you could meet people at? All the people I know who have met outside of marriage people did it through becoming friends at a hobby (game, book club, whatever) and things developed. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 1 hour ago, Serran said: I actually know several people on AVEN who have found affair partners here.. so there kinda is 😛 Do you have any hobbies you do that you could meet people at? All the people I know who have met outside of marriage people did it through becoming friends at a hobby (game, book club, whatever) and things developed. Oh, I know there are those people. I wasn't entirely joking. And now I'm single(ish) I'm getting out and doing stuff, meeting people, and all that. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Oh, I know there are those people. I wasn't entirely joking. And now I'm single(ish) I'm getting out and doing stuff, meeting people, and all that. Hopefully you’ll find someone who’s a good match, unless you’re looking to stay single at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Thanks. Single is fine, but if I find a real connection through the socialising etc. then that would be great. I'm old school (and also British - we don't have any where near so much of a dating culture. We prefer to get drunk and cop off with people we've secretly fancied for ages but been too inhibited to make a move on). Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Our hookup culture here in the US is pretty youth-focused... Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 I went to a meetup.com 'social' gathering and it wasn't particularly youthful; not quite hook-ups but more like the feel of a student gathering - people out to have a good time without any concerns of work or existing social connections to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Most of the meetup gatherings around here skew towards people within five-ten years of college (uni) graduation. There are some for older singles, but not a lot. We have a large number of schools locally, so that’s probably a factor, but there’s definitely at least the sense that older people have other commitments. It will be interesting to see if it’s partly generational, whereby the “tribe” generations keep their tribes as they age, or people continue to age out over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 I suspect life stages will become their tribes. The meetups aren't billed as singles events, just 'socials' or with other slightly vague topics like 'walking' which allow for lots of socialisation. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Agreed, most of the meetups here are around an activity or particular subject matter/interest... but those are the ones that skew really young. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted August 30, 2018 Author Share Posted August 30, 2018 22 hours ago, Serran said: Do you have any hobbies you do that you could meet people at? All the people I know who have met outside of marriage people did it through becoming friends at a hobby (game, book club, whatever) and things developed. My favorite hobbies don't have local clubs. But from the sound of it, looks like my ace nailed it. I'll basically need to find some shared space that I enjoy being in for its own sake. Hmm. Link to post Share on other sites
NickJ Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 I joined a few Poly groups on Facebook, and ended up going to a poly meetup that was organised through the meetup.com site. I didn't meet anyone at the physical meet up but actually started chatting to a women on the meetup.com group page. We exchanged private messages for about a month before meeting up for coffee. Coffee became dinner and a long night of talking and walking. I'd like to say we were slow and cautious but the reality is we weren't and things happened very quickly between us and we've become really quite involved, which neither of us expected. Anyway, my suggestion is to find a group online who may be near you and just communicate with people who you may have things in common with. You generally find these things when you least expect it. Link to post Share on other sites
blue dog Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 as i prefer any sex with myself, my wife goes shopping alot, to the fitness center and volunteers and doesnt like me asking alot of questions, i do think i found answers here. Link to post Share on other sites
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