allieace Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 My friends are all losing their virginities, having meaningful relationships with SOs, etc, etc, and I can't help but wish I had the desire to do the same. Not sure what brought up these feelings since I was starting to accept my asexuality, and then I guess using dating websites sent me into a spiral of hopelessness leaving me with the thought that I'll never be able to have a relationship without sex. It's just really hard for me to understand how so many people are motivated by sexual desire. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has similar thoughts/feelings and if there's a better way to cope. Link to post Share on other sites
Roidgy Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 I feel really miserable for being ace. Im trans but ive never had nearly as much trouble for it as i have for asexuality. All my friends left me, and I made my boyfriend and girlfriend miserable. Coming here and talking to other aces regularly really helped alot. I dont feel like crying every day about it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 40 minutes ago, allieace said: and then I guess using dating websites sent me into a spiral of hopelessness leaving me with the thought that I'll never be able to have a relationship without sex. Well no shit; most dating sites are sex-centric. Why use them if a relationship with sex as a focal point isn't what you are after? There's people out there for whom sex is not that significant (not even talking about just asexual people). Find them and build connections with them instead. AVEN isn't a dating site or anything, but nothing's stopping you from potentially forming those connections here in a more natural sort of way. It's how I found my AVENite fiancee. Link to post Share on other sites
Phalena Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 3 hours ago, Philip027 said: Well no shit; most dating sites are sex-centric. Why use them if a relationship with sex as a focal point isn't what you are after? There's people out there for whom sex is not that significant (not even talking about just asexual people). Find them and build connections with them instead. AVEN isn't a dating site or anything, but nothing's stopping you from potentially forming those connections here in a more natural sort of way. It's how I found my AVENite fiancee. ^What they said. And websites are frustrating. It is much more promising to meet actual people in real life, I know what I'm talking about I've tried myself. In the Internet everyone tries to present themselves in a perfect manner and try to be as individual and special as possible, only making them become inauthentic (and being like everyone else, too). It also feels like scrolling through amazon while searching for a new piece of cloth. Lots of them look good in the first second but you don't know what you'll get until the package arrives. And maybe it makes you feel a little better if you do not participate in the conversations when lost virginities or therelike are revealed. Depending on whether you're sex-repulsed or not you could try with an allo, perhaps? As Philip027 said above, sex isn't the most important thing for absolutely everyone. And time is of the essence, too! Better a good friend than a bad partner, as I always say! Good luck, have a hug and a piece of cake, of course! Link to post Share on other sites
Dawning Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Since you're young enough that your friends are just now losing their virginities, trust me, they aren't having meaningful relationships yet, and you're not missing much. I understand your desire to date, though, so why not try out dating sites for asexuals: https://www.datingadvice.com/online-dating/dating-sites-for-asexuals Link to post Share on other sites
allieace Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 9 hours ago, Roidgy said: Coming here and talking to other aces regularly really helped alot. I dont feel like crying every day about it anymore. AVEN has definitely been a huge help for me too. Before I discovered AVEN, I just thought there was something wrong with me like maybe I just haven't matured enough to want sex. Once I reached college, I figured it was never going to change, and upon researching asexuality, I stumbled across AVEN and really resonated with a lot of people on here. It was especially nice because I don't know anyone in real life who is asexual and I've already had bad experiences with friends when I tried to talk to them about asexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Roidgy Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 @allieace This is a great place to start making friends. I lost all but one of my friends when I came out as asexual, so talking on here has really helped me feel less lonely. It sounds like you're having a very similar problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Firefly8 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 8 hours ago, allieace said: AVEN has definitely been a huge help for me too. Before I discovered AVEN, I just thought there was something wrong with me like maybe I just haven't matured enough to want sex. Once I reached college, I figured it was never going to change, and upon researching asexuality, I stumbled across AVEN and really resonated with a lot of people on here. It was especially nice because I don't know anyone in real life who is asexual and I've already had bad experiences with friends when I tried to talk to them about asexuality. 3 hours ago, Roidgy said: @allieace This is a great place to start making friends. I lost all but one of my friends when I came out as asexual, so talking on here has really helped me feel less lonely. It sounds like you're having a very similar problem. Do you mind if I ask why these "friends" had problems with your asexuality? Did they dismiss your feelings or think you were lying or worse? Link to post Share on other sites
Roidgy Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 @Firefly8 they didnt think i was lying. They believe asexuals and aromantics are inherently abusive and obnoxious people. They think that not feeling attraction for someone is a cruel way to hurt them. They believed that whenever i wanted to talk about my problems or perspectives as an asexual/aromantic, i was trying to act "superior" to them or that i was lying about having problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Firefly8 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 6 minutes ago, Roidgy said: @Firefly8 they didnt think i was lying. They believe asexuals and aromantics are inherently abusive and obnoxious people. They think that not feeling attraction for someone is a cruel way to hurt them. They believed that whenever i wanted to talk about my problems or perspectives as an asexual/aromantic, i was trying to act "superior" to them or that i was lying about having problems. Wow, how horrible. Sorry you experienced that. Thank you for sharing. I'm pretty sure my friends knew I was asexual before I did, so I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you. I'm glad you found a safe and friendly community here! Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 1 hour ago, Roidgy said: @Firefly8 they didnt think i was lying. They believe asexuals and aromantics are inherently abusive and obnoxious people. They think that not feeling attraction for someone is a cruel way to hurt them. They believed that whenever i wanted to talk about my problems or perspectives as an asexual/aromantic, i was trying to act "superior" to them or that i was lying about having problems. Yeah it’s pretty dumb when people assume... (No desire to have sex) => No desire for romance or Not attracted to anyone => No ability to love in general => You’re a heartless, emotionless monster. Like, talk about jumping to conclusions 🙄. I didn’t get harassed as much in school, but there were a few times when people just assumed I was “evil” or “bad” just cause I didn’t care about romantic relationships or having a GF and stuff. The worst is when idiotic people compare you to someone like a serial killer or school shooter cause you’re not very expressive. Just ignore the fact that I was a great student, extremely well-behaved, and quite calm why don’t you 🤦🏻♂️. Also, it’s pretty dumb to accuse someone of being psychotic to their face cause that just gives that person an incentive to hunt you down specifically for being a d-bag if they were murderous. Link to post Share on other sites
Roidgy Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 @Laplace yeah as a psychotic ace aro everyone assumed i was very cold and violent, even though i try to be as nice as possible to everyone i meet Link to post Share on other sites
tamarow Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 Its so nice to know someone else ended up going on a dating site in regretting it because they wanted to be like everyone else. I ended up using tinder and it was a mess, partly because I felt so bad picking people for no reason even aesthetically, I just cant feel anything towards them. (my friends would swipe for me.) I also had trouble understanding how anyone could find me sexually attractive and it freak me out when people would flirt with me. I totally feel the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluffy Femme Guy Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 Being like everyone else is super overrated. But I do get that most people like to be part of a larger group. If you really are ace then trying to fit in via sex/dating/relationships isn't going to be smooth. (most likely anyway) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.