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Why does most advice try to make me the jerk?

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Traveler40

So, I suppose I’m confused as well.  If your spouses aren’t ace, then the issue may be treatable through meds, therapy or other means, correct?  If a spouse refuses to attempt treatment for the betterment of everyone involved, then it can’t be healthy for anyone. Why stay in this type of relationship? 

 

In that scenario, we are talking about a potentially solvable problem with unwilling participants which is simply extreme dysfunction at its core.

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ryn2

If the spouse isn’t ace, it could still be an unsolveable problem (at least within the relationship)... a difference in libido that has broadened over time, or one partner just not sexually attracted to the other (but not otherwise dissatisfied with the relationship enough to want to end it)...

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Sally

The spouse isn't ace and still doesn't want to have sex with the other spouse, it could be that they just aren't that into you.  That's something that isn't really fixable.  

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Serran
6 hours ago, SCPDX said:

I’m pretty sure I’m  in the same boat as @James121and it is worse - just took me a while to articulate why. The deepest fear I have is that if I were to leave, my wife might feel the need to find another relationship. To do that, she’s going to need to find a way to start having sex again. And she’ll dig deep and find it, even though she wasn’t able/willing to do that for me. 

 

I’m not saying it’s a *rational* fear. 

Not to make your fear worse.. but that fear isn't as irrational as you might think it is. 

 

I was in one relationship for a year, one for 6 months, one for 2 years, one for 10 years (married). Through all of these relationships, I didn't enjoy sexual interaction. In fact, my first time having sex, I was left with "That's what the fuss is about?" and "That hurt... why do people like that...". The rest of the times it was "OK, this is boring" to "Gross" etc. First time I had sex was at 15, my first marriage ended when I was 30. I tried basically everything, I cared about my partners, I liked to kiss/cuddle and all that but I just could not figure out a "trigger" for sex with any of them that would make me actually want it. But, giving for them satisfied the shorter relationships, to the point when I told some of my exes (I stay in contact with some and we're friends) that I thought I was ace, their reaction was "No you aren't". I was enthusiastic as a partner, because I got told over and over again that I just had to find what I liked to trigger desire, it was normal, etc so I kept trying with them, failing, going to get advice on what I did wrong and then trying more. The longer one I just couldn't keep up the regular sex that long. It stopped being tolerable about 5 years in, I'd exhausted all advice, I was just so sick of trying at that point. 

 

So... I finally, finally got my ex to accept I am just not into sex, never have been. I swore off sexual partners and got with someone on AVEN who was fine with no sex. I thought I had my life all sorted. 

 

.... and then I actually, for the first time in my life, developed sexual attraction to my AVEN partner. Go figure. It worked out cause she's attracted to me as well, but. I'm pretty sure if I told my exes I'm now happily sexual with my new spouse, so it really was a wrong partner thing in the end (turns out my sexual attraction and romantic attraction are very separate and romantic can easily trigger without the sexual side, while the sexual side is hard to trigger in me but still possible) they would be pretty hurt. 

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Sally

It's pretty dicey to assure your marriage partner that if you look for and find an outside sexual partner, that will not endanger the marriage relationship, and you will not leave your marriage partner -- because it does happen.  No one can prevent themselves from falling in love with someone, and if that someone means love and sex are in the same "package", that will definitely affect the marriage.  

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Serran
3 minutes ago, Sally said:

It's pretty dicey to assure your marriage partner that if you look for and find an outside sexual partner, that will not endanger the marriage relationship, and you will not leave your marriage partner -- because it does happen.  No one can prevent themselves from falling in love with someone, and if that someone means love and sex are in the same "package", that will definitely affect the marriage.  

Does happen, but whereas most people who transition from mono to open fear it's the reason behind transition (well, if it's not a mutual interest anyway) ... that is an unfounded worry. Opening things up to poly is a thing people do because they feel they can do both, sometimes they are wrong. But, when you transition, you can easily assure your spouse "I have every intention of staying married to you, I just need sex and we are not compatible in that way. If we open things up, maybe we can find a way for us both to be happy by removing this stress from our relationship." 

 

Whereas... default for most people is "Another person means they will leave me right away" as if that's the whole intention behind finding someone else. 

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James121
On 2/21/2019 at 2:20 PM, SCPDX said:

To do that, she’s going to need to find a way to start having sex again. And she’ll dig deep and find it, even though she wasn’t able/willing to do that for me. 

That’s because for most people (not all) having sex is actually not that difficult if we are correctly motivated to have it. This is the exact reason that 99% of men will report that when they started trying for babies, their partners went from sex once in a blue moon to sex almost every moon. It’s simply about whether someone is motivated or not. Your partner isn’t motivated to have it. She says no, you are still there, you still show her love and affection, financially contribute/support her. There’s nothing lost for her so she just selfishly says....

 

 

no thanks.

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