Mihnea

About friends with benefits.

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Mihnea

Hi.

I have a question, I do not know if this question was asked before, and I hope it is the right section.

I am wandering, can asexuals be friends with benefits with someone else?

And if so, how does such a relationship work? Is here any of you who had such a relationship and would like to share something about such an experience?

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TheAP

I guess they can, but I don't really see why an asexual would want to?

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CBC

Sure they can. Just like I, a disliker of country music, can listen to a radio station that plays country music. Just like I, as someone who hates nightclubs, could go clubbing. Just like I, someone who's not a fan of liver, could cook up some liver and onions for dinner. Just like I, a gay woman, could go on Tinder and find some dudes to fuck.

 

The question is why?

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Jade Cross

I would see it possible so long as the ace partner is not repulsed and doesnt mind being a part of that. Outside that, it would be just like any relationship.

 

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Madao

I think there's no problem with doing that, though I do wonder why there's need to do this at first place, since asexuals don't really need sex? 

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The Dryad

I guess it would be an exchange of needs, it would have to be I suppose. So maybe a money thing?

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CBC

@Mihnea So now that you have a bunch of us saying it's theoretically possible but asking why an asexual person would become involved in such an arrangement, care to expand on why you're enquiring? I'm guessing at least some of us are curious.

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The Dryad
51 minutes ago, CBC said:

@Mihnea So now that you have a bunch of us saying it's theoretically possible but asking why an asexual person would become involved in such an arrangement, care to expand on why you're enquiring? I'm guessing at least some of us are curious.

Maybe the friends with benefits is a sex and monetary exchange, especially if someone is destitute and really needs money, or even to live with someone and be taken care of, I can see how it happens.. or in this case could happen.

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Alejandrogynous
4 hours ago, The Dryad said:

Maybe the friends with benefits is a sex and monetary exchange, especially if someone is destitute and really needs money, or even to live with someone and be taken care of, I can see how it happens.. or in this case could happen.

Would that really be "friends with benefits", though? Seems to me like once money exchanging is involved, you'd be entering into a different sort of relationship. Not that I'm judging either way, but friends with benefits kind of hinges on the idea that friends are mutually using each other for the 'benefit' of sex.

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The Dryad
17 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

Would that really be "friends with benefits", though? Seems to me like once money exchanging is involved, you'd be entering into a different sort of relationship. Not that I'm judging either way, but friends with benefits kind of hinges on the idea that friends are mutually using each other for the 'benefit' of sex.

That's true though, I can't think of any other reason why an asexual would willingly want to have a friends with benefits relationship otherwise....maybe an overactive libido...or maybe just the experience???

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Sally

I'm willing to say that no, asexuals don't have friends-with-benefits relationships.  Period.  

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Rin the Cat

I ended up in a friends with benefits situation when I was younger. Spoilered for sex mentions, not graphic or anything. 

 

Spoiler

I had a high libido and was curious about sex, wanted to try it. But it got kind of messy. I found that I didn't really enjoy sex that much, I wanted to stop but I didn't want to stop being friends with him. Yet some how every time we were alone together it would turn into sex. Like I said, I had a high libido so my body would be all "yes yes yes" when he would start to initiate things, but once things were going I would be like "no, no, no". He developed feelings for me, I did not. There were some fights. I told him over an over again that I didn't want to have sex any more, but that I had trouble saying no in the moment. he once even accused me of using him for sex of all things. In the end we stopped being friends, it was the only way I could find to end it. 

 

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Bronztrooper

Theoretically, yeah, it is possible (more likely for sex-positive asexuals, but not by much when compared to sex-indifferent asexuals), but the main question would be 'why?'  It could be for any number of reasons in the case of the asexual, but a lot of times there wouldn't really be much of a 'desire' per se for them to engage in such a relationship.

 

Honestly, I never really liked the term 'friends with benefits' because, to me, it implies that friendship isn't beneficial on its own.

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Sally
2 hours ago, Rin the Cat said:

I ended up in a friends with benefits situation when I was younger. Spoilered for sex mentions, not graphic or anything. 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

I had a high libido and was curious about sex, wanted to try it. But it got kind of messy. I found that I didn't really enjoy sex that much, I wanted to stop but I didn't want to stop being friends with him. Yet some how every time we were alone together it would turn into sex. Like I said, I had a high libido so my body would be all "yes yes yes" when he would start to initiate things, but once things were going I would be like "no, no, no". He developed feelings for me, I did not. There were some fights. I told him over an over again that I didn't want to have sex any more, but that I had trouble saying no in the moment. he once even accused me of using him for sex of all things. In the end we stopped being friends, it was the only way I could find to end it. 

 

Generally when people say "friends with benefits", it means that both people want sex -- they know that to begin with.  It  sounds like you entered into that because you were curious about sex, not that you really wanted sex, so yours wasn't a typical friends-with-benefits situation.  

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Mihnea

Thank you all for your kind answers!

I was curious if such a relationship would be possible. If it can theoretically happen.

I am sorry for my late reply to this post.

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Lemon Ice Tea

I have a friend that I cuddle with sometimes, but honestly because he wants sexual contact, I’ve been trying to hold back.

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Nowhere Girl
On 8/29/2018 at 7:03 AM, Bronztrooper said:

Honestly, I never really liked the term 'friends with benefits' because, to me, it implies that friendship isn't beneficial on its own.

I think that in Polish it's typically called, in a literal translation, "friendship with a bonus". ;)

On 8/29/2018 at 7:03 AM, Bronztrooper said:

Theoretically, yeah, it is possible (more likely for sex-positive asexuals, but not by much when compared to sex-indifferent asexuals), but the main question would be 'why?'  It could be for any number of reasons in the case of the asexual, but a lot of times there wouldn't really be much of a 'desire' per se for them to engage in such a relationship.

I think that it could be the best solution for those aces who are curious about sex and would like to experience it to know what the fuss is all about. Heck, I am, to some extent, curious myself, but still I'm not going to "satisfy" this curiousity because I'm much too sex-averse and nudity-averse to give it a try.

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Bronztrooper
On 9/17/2018 at 12:53 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

I think that it could be the best solution for those aces who are curious about sex and would like to experience it to know what the fuss is all about. Heck, I am, to some extent, curious myself, but still I'm not going to "satisfy" this curiousity because I'm much too sex-averse and nudity-averse to give it a try.

I can understand that, I just meant that asexuals wouldn't 'want it' nearly as much as sexuals may.

 

For me, even if I was sexual, I would avoid 'friends with benefits' relationships like the plague because I don't see sex as being a casual thing, as far as I'm concerned.  It would just feel... idk, wrong, I guess, if I even thought about having sex with a friend of mine.  Maybe it's because I see friends and family as being on roughly the same level (even though I tend to keep them separate).

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ryn2

Yeah, it’s not so much that an ace can’t supply the benefits to a friend... but the whole point of FWB is “I’m between things and you’re between things, so why should we let that doom us to nothing but masturbation?”  It doesn’t seem like something that would occur to aces (or demis, e.g.) from that perspective...

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Youreboththebestbestfriend

Hi, I didn't want to start a new topic, but I hope people can still give me advice! I'm sort of in a desperate need, haha.

I've known about my asexuality for about 2 years, and I came out to most (important) people in my life. Most were positive, some just didn't quite get it (maybe you will find out later etc etc). I'm 26 and I have been kissed very quickly on the lips once, by a guy, it was on our second date. I freaked OUT and the next date I was nervous, he was nervous, it was so stressful that I ended it. I didn't quite "like" him, I mean he was nice to talk to but I never got why I didn't have feelings (asexuality explained this partly).
I think romantically I might be biromantic (I once fell in love with a guy and I have DEEP feelings for my best friend and I would be with her in a heartbeat but she's hetero), or demiromantic because I had a really deep bond with both of them. Also, some things happened in my life with men (emotionally), so I don't really trust them. I think I like women better anyway. When I watch porn it's usually F/F, because I like how women take care of one another? Anyway, romantically I'm still confused as hell, maybe I'm even Quoiro.

But to the friends with benefits part:
I never really thought about having sex myself. But sometimes I do wonder what it is like. What's it like to be kissed or to have sex. I recently befriended someone from work and she's bi. We got close quite fast and last Friday we had a real honest talk about feelings and stuff. She was very open about her past (sexual) relationships. Then she told me she is in an open relationship with her boyfriend (I think she told me this so that I wouldn't think she cheated when she told me stories). I knew she had one, and when I started to get to know her I thought she was interesting (and she still is) but any other feelings that were like a crush/squish sort of disappeared when I learned that.

However now she told me she is in an open relationship and she also said that she likes to have sex with friends (most of them being girls). Because, sex is fun so why not have a good time together? This INTRIGUED me (and still does). I'm sort of fascinated by how that works like.. call it scientific interest. But it also makes me curious. For the first time I'm actually wondering about sex WITH a person. I wondered before how it would be, but now.. I can't help but think how it would be with someone. These feelings are new to me and honestly they drive me crazy. She also told me she falls for friends easily, but that she likes friends with benefits because she knows that the friendship won't change.
I think I got a "vibe" from her, but I'm so oblivious to these things. Nothing happened, but I'm so curious? If she would have asked me there and then, I think I would have given it (or well kissing first) a try. I trust her, she's my friend, she's very experienced and I would like to know?

So yes, as ace, I get friends with benefits? It's very strange and these feelings are new for me. I love love love my best friend but never had these feelings (maybe because she is hetero) and now there might be an opportunity. She's pretty, I like her, she's experienced, she knows what to do, she likes sex, maybe I do to? Maybe she can show me.

At first I started doubting my asexuality (AGAIN). I hate that with every some sort of feeling you start questioning again. I still think I'm not demisexual because when I was in love I didn't have sexual feelings for my male/female friends. But I am intrigued and fascinated by the idea and it's not that I am attracted to my bi friend perse, but she sort of suggested something through telling me these things and I'm more curious than EVER. I just want to try it, but not with someone I don't know. I trust her.

 

Long story short, I don't think friends with benefits would make me less ace. And I get why most people don't get how that would work.. but I do. Sort of.

(So now I am inviting her over again and ask more questions and we'll see what she meant before. I'm still fascinated by how that works scientifically as well, so yeah. xD)

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Deus Ex Infinity
On 8/26/2018 at 4:28 PM, Mihnea said:

Hi.

I have a question, I do not know if this question was asked before, and I hope it is the right section.

I am wandering, can asexuals be friends with benefits with someone else?

And if so, how does such a relationship work? Is here any of you who had such a relationship and would like to share something about such an experience?

Everything's possible , though I seriously can't imagine many asexuals wanting to go for it,  since I suppose it means to include having sex. But then again..its always an individual choice so it's ok to think about it anyway.

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Youreboththebestbestfriend
Just now, Deus Ex Infinity said:

Everything's possible , though I seriously can't imagine an asexual person wanting to go for it.

But why not? Some aces like sex and are sex positive?
I'm not sure if I do, but I might.

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Telecaster68
51 minutes ago, Youreboththebestbestfriend said:

But why not? Some aces like sex and are sex positive?
I'm not sure if I do, but I might.

If you're so sex positive you want to create a relationship purely to have sex, you're not asexual.

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Deus Ex Infinity
58 minutes ago, Youreboththebestbestfriend said:

But why not? Some aces like sex and are sex positive?
I'm not sure if I do, but I might.

Yes, that's why I  said "But then again..its always an individual choice so it's ok to think about it anyway." It might not be easy to find aces who'd like to do it but that doesn't mean it's not possible. You're free to try.

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Youreboththebestbestfriend
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you're so sex positive you want to create a relationship purely to have sex, you're not asexual.

"Purely to have sex", did you miss the friends part? I'm not sure if you're replying in general or the situation I wrote about, but for me it would be a way to try sex with a friend who I trust? That doesn't mean I'm not asexual.

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Youreboththebestbestfriend
1 hour ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

Yes, that's why I  said "But then again..its always an individual choice so it's ok to think about it anyway." It might not be easy to find aces who'd like to do it but that doesn't mean it's not possible. You're free to try.

Ah sorry, I didn't see you added that part later. :)
I was just wondering if people here had more experience. I'm just sort of lost at the moment. And I hate that whenever you have some kind of feelings (whatever they may be), you're back to questioning your sexuality. :(

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Telecaster68
14 minutes ago, Youreboththebestbestfriend said:

"Purely to have sex", did you miss the friends part? I'm not sure if you're replying in general or the situation I wrote about, but for me it would be a way to try sex with a friend who I trust? That doesn't mean I'm not asexual.

Why not just be friends if sex isnt the defining factor? What happens after you have sex once and decide you can do without it? 

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Youreboththebestbestfriend
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why not just be friends if sex isnt the defining factor? What happens after you have sex once and decide you can do without it? 

I'm sorry, maybe I was confusing before haha. We already are friends, we know each other pretty well and now she was really open with me about sexual stuff. And I guess I am considering because it's the first time I wonder what it'd be like with someone. I trust her, and I might like sex, so why not try and experiment? 
I mean she told me she likes sex with friends because why not have a good time if it doesn't change the friendship. But I don't know if she specifically meant me, I thought there was something there but I don't even know for sure. I was just wondering if other people had been through something similar!! :)

 

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Serran
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you're so sex positive you want to create a relationship purely to have sex, you're not asexual.

Thought aces could have sex and enjoy and desire it as long as they dont need it to be happy? 😛

 

7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why not just be friends if sex isnt the defining factor? What happens after you have sex once and decide you can do without it? 

Sounds like they want to experience sex to see what its like. Which, many aces did end up doing and didnt want it after all. And if they are a friends casual thing and know its not a guaranteed ongoing relationship I dont see why it would be an issue. 

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TheAP

@Youreboththebestbestfriend If you want to try sex, it's okay to do so. It's possible that you might develop sexual attraction/desire, but again, you might not. Just give it time and see how your feelings develop.

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