Trying to understand myself.

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So, I’ve been in kind of a weird space lately. Going to University really has been an eye opening experience for me especially when I started to question my own sexual orientation. But after four years of questioning I still don’t really know and it’s so frustrating when people ask me who I am, what I am, why I am...and I can’t give them answers. At least not without them looking at me like I’m crazy. 


Being at University has given me the chance to explore ideas surrounding sexuality and gender norms and ideologies and begin to evaluate myself. I’m at the point where I almost hate talking about gender unless it’s not in biological terms. I struggle with societies view on gender because I am never fitting the description of how I “should be” as a woman. But that’s another topic for another time. 


Anyway, what I’m trying to get at is that for the past 3 or so years I’ve identified as Asexual. I have no desire to be touched by someone else. Even as a young teenager, I never understood the hype behind sex. This could very well be because I’ve never had sex. But I don’t think so. The act itself with another person just doesn’t appeal to me. I find myself actually being a bit uncomfortable when I’m touched sometimes. (Not in a wild way. Like I still hug my friends) I don’t like overly flirtatious people. Especially not with me. Never in my 21 years of living have I felt comfortable with men or women coming on to me. I don’t want to reproduce. I don’t always wear “women’s clothing”. I’m not “feminine” enough. Just a real gender outlaw over here. 


But I feel like I contradict myself because even though I don’t want to be in a sexual relationship  with anyone I still get aroused by other things. Sometimes it’s just my body doing things or the effect of a particularly green and odorous *party favor* or sometimes I need help going to sleep. At that point I don’t feel uncomfortable about masturbation because one, it’s me, and two, I’ll be thinking about from a “logical” stand point I guess. No emotions involved, I just need to get some relase and then I’m done.  I know that the definition of Asexual is having no sex  or sexual desire. When I am aroused, I think of it kind of like a task. 


Anyway, I don’t know. I constantly feel like I’m being told to put myself in a category when it comes to this stuff and I really just don’t know where I fit. Like, am I even Asexual? Do I even belong here? Like, am a fraud?

My close friends, who are constantly like horny little beasts, are always telling me shit like “you’ll find someone that’ll change the way you think about sex” or “I think you feel like this because your expectations of what sex should be are too high”. Ugh *screams* Lol. Someone help. Please


(P.S. I know that was a lot. Sorry If I at all began to talk in circles. I’m new here lol)


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I can relate to several things you're saying. I cant say if you're asexual or if you belong... I'm sort of feeling the same weirdness of, do I even belong here? 


I am repulsed by the idea of sex with strangers. There isnt even such a thing as a casual kiss for me. I mean, people literally kiss all the time. I dont want anything to do with that unless I know the person really well and have a strong connection and trust.


I relate to your comments too though about not being "feminine" enough. 8ve always been relatively comfortable in my body. I dont like to over sexualize it, because I want no sexual attention whatsoever from strangers, but I've never felt like I was the wrong gender. However, I dont wear makeup, I dont wear dresses (I feel WRONG in a dress), and I've always been a bit of a tomboy.


I remember distinctly when I was in high school, about 20 years ago actually, I liked shopping for my clothes in the boys/men section. My sister said to my mom, "She wants to be a boy!" My mom took me aside and said, "you know I'd still love you if that was true." But I didnt want to be a boy. I'm just not very girly, though I like to wear dressy clothes and nice jewelry sometimes! But you know, sometimes I like wearing a tie, button down shirt, and khakis too!


I dont know what any of that means really, but i just wanted you to know there was someone else who could relate to just feeling different.... just like pretty much everyone here i imagine!

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I can relate a lot to your story. All through high school I kept telling myself I was just a late bloomer and my education was more important to me. I was also insecure so somebody wanting a relationship with me didn’t really seem like an option for me. My friends slowly started to loose their virginity and talked about sex like it was something they couldn’t live without. I couldn’t relate at all. It wasn’t like sex repulsed me, I just didn’t understand the strong urge people seemed to have towards other people. I thought that university would be my time. While still insecure I felt like I could start anew, meeting new people who might be more like minded. While I did meet a lot of new people, I didn’t “bloom” like I thought I would. Now I am 23 and never had a relationship (besides the one puppy love I had when I was like 10). On the one hand I am really curious towards having a relationship and the possibility of having sex, but on the other hand I don’t feel any attraction towards anyone. I am afraid to experiment; I don’t want to lead people on and I am afraid people would want more from me than I am willing to give.


The strict gender boxes frustrate me as well. Boxes in general frustrate me. As soon as you label yourself as one thing people judge you based on it and expect certain behaviour of you; behaviour I never seem to have just right.


I can’t give you the answers you seek and I am sorry for my long message. If you feel the need to talk about it you can always send me a message; no judgement whatsoever. Sometimes it can really help to just say thing “out loud”.  

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