Jump to content

Sorting out romantic orientation


shoshi coast

Recommended Posts

shoshi coast

I was sitting down the other day to write out a list of what I would and wouldn't want in a future romantic relationship... no particular reason, I've just been thinking about the future lately and I often write or make lists to organize my thoughts. Some of the highlights of my list were:

 

Absolutely no sexual activities of any kind (not willing to compromise on this). This includes no kissing, and no sexual/sensual touch of any kind.

Would prefer not to live together, but maybe to be close neighbors and visit often. Would like to have my own space.

Would prefer not to ever sleep over (in the same bed), but a couch or a cot would be ok.

Will not combine finances or enter into a legal marriage.

Person must not be too emotionally needy, preferably another introvert who also appreciates their space.

 

This seems awfully silly. If I don't want ANY of these forms of intimacy (sharing sexuality, sensuality, living space, time, finances, etc), isn't it just a really good friendship or family relationship I'm after? Maybe I'm aromantic after all, and just assumed I was romantic for all these years because it is the cultural default, the same way I assumed I was sexual?

 

I have always had super strong, almost debilitating crushes on people of both sexes. Never sexual attraction (it took me a long time to figure that out though), but just a super strong longing to be somehow partnered with or close to a person. But if it ever became apparent that the other person was interested in me as well and maybe we even tried to start a relationship, I would soon panic and run in the other direction- I realized I didn't actually want that much attention, or for them to be taking up that much of my time, or to be that much in my private space or business. I was always so resentful about how much of my life that person wanted to share. That can't be normal, can it?

 

Looking back, I think maybe what I was after was validation. For someone to notice me and to appreciate me so much that they would choose me to be their one and only partner. Especially one of the wonderful, impressive (or so I imagined them lol) people I would get crushes on. For one of those people to choose/accept/desire me said something good about me, and that is what made me feel like I was glowing. I thought this was what people talk about when they talk about romantic love. But after the wonderful thrill of being "chosen", I didn't want the relationship (or sexual activity) afterwards. It would almost immediately feel stifling and restrictive, and even though I have experienced relationships and even marriage in my life, I don't think any of them have been successful or normal. So maybe that is not what people mean when they talk about romantic love after all.

 

When I imagine my ideal relationship, it really seems more like I wish I had a sweet, protective big brother who lived down the street from me, who didn't crowd me too much, but we would be each other's favorite person, and the other would always be the first one we'd call if anything were happening in our lives. Maybe we could go on trips together, and he could fix my car when it broke down, and I could make him homemade soup when he was sick or bake him a fancy cake on his birthday. That is the sort of intimacy I want and feel comfortable with. Surely that isn't what normal people want when they think about a romantic relationship? I don't even know if it's intimate enough to be a QPR. Maybe I just wish I had a closer family.

 

I sure wish I'd figured out more of these things about myself when I was younger. It's so much harder now to sift through decades of cognitive dissonance in hindsight. :(

 

Can anyone relate at all? Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy when I think through all these things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
no-longer-in-use

You're not crazy! No matter how confusing or strange your feelings may be, they are valid and you are valid.

 

From what you've said, it sounds like you might be after a queerplatonic relationship, which, as described by AVEN wiki, is "...a relationship that is not romantic but involves a close emotional connection (platonic) beyond what most people consider friendship. The commitment level in a queerplatonic relationship is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship." Does this sound at all close to the kind of relationship you desire?

Link to post
Share on other sites
shoshi coast
1 hour ago, Coddiwomple said:

You're not crazy! No matter how confusing or strange your feelings may be, they are valid and you are valid.

Thank you 😄❤️

 

1 hour ago, Coddiwomple said:

From what you've said, it sounds like you might be after a queerplatonic relationship, which, as described by AVEN wiki, is "...a relationship that is not romantic but involves a close emotional connection (platonic) beyond what most people consider friendship. The commitment level in a queerplatonic relationship is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship." Does this sound at all close to the kind of relationship you desire?

Maybe it is after all! When I imagine my ideal relationship, although most of what I'm looking for seems platonic, there would ideally be a very high level of commitment. I think that's why I compared it in my mind to a family relationship... someone who would be with you long term, rather than a friend who might drift away.

 

I had no idea there was an AVEN wiki by the way!

Link to post
Share on other sites
no-longer-in-use
19 hours ago, shoshi coast said:

Maybe it is after all! When I imagine my ideal relationship, although most of what I'm looking for seems platonic, there would ideally be a very high level of commitment. I think that's why I compared it in my mind to a family relationship... someone who would be with you long term, rather than a friend who might drift away.

 

1

Well, I hope you find your person! And if you do, this form might be helpful:

tumblr_ncenbts76l1ruoslbo1_1280.jpg

19 hours ago, shoshi coast said:

I had no idea there was an AVEN wiki by the way!

Yeah, me neither, I just Googled "queerplatonic relationship" and I got this page.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That is spot on to how I feel.  Like you I've gotten strong crushes on people but no sexual attraction. Its like you fall in love with a person's personality and everything about them but you can't stand the idea of having an imitate relationship with them. This is what I've struggled with for awhile. I would think with asexuals (I'm not sure yet I'm fully one, in the mist of my discovery) one would not have crushes or have feelings for someone. I thought the point of being an asexual is that none of that happen. I've only recently come across the community of asexuals and I'm learning about it and the people. Maybe its normal, maybe not? I've gone back and forth for years wondering if I just needed to get over any hang ups and force myself into a relationship thinking I would get over it, but then I can't do it. :/ 

But your list is pretty right on to what I would write. :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...