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Sex outside the marriage without developing feelings?

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Traveler40
29 minutes ago, Sally said:

What if your lover were to decide that he wanted to be your husband?   What if your lover decided that he wanted to be someone else's husband?  

My lover has never been in danger of wanting to be anyone’s husband.  I don’t see that changing after more than half a century on this planet.

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ryn2
5 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

make my life with him for our children

If you had no children, do you think the situation would have evolved similarly... or would you just have moved on?

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Traveler40
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

If you had no children, do you think the situation would have evolved similarly... or would you just have moved on?

Having children was a dream, a goal and part of why I married my husband. My biological clock was ticking and while I’d had a few deep, lengthy previous relationships, none of the men were quite the rock that my husband is. Additionally, he is stable, intelligent, mostly adventurous and ticks many boxes in my “need” column.  I would have married him whether or not we’d had children.

 

With that being said, I’m an evolver, a calculated risk taker and someone who seeks to make life as good as it can be.  Being tenacious has its pros and cons like anything, but constantly and definitively hitting a “negative” on sex would have ended the relationship if it weren’t for the children.  

 

Children are a grand distraction.  Going through IVF more than once and all that pregnancy and childbirth entails, my husband got away with time he never would have had otherwise. Remove the children and the spotlight would be on us and our friendship.  While strong, it’s essentially just a friendship.  

 

So that begs the question, what happens when the kids leave?  Your guess is as good as mine.  I can’t extrapolate out.  So much life happens in a 13 year span.  Therefore, for sanity’s sake and peace of mind, I choose to focus on now and am much happier for it.  I made the projections in my head last year, and it was crazy making, solved nothing and distracted me from what actually mattered - the people who make up my life today.  It’s not changing any time soon, so I may as well enjoy it as is. 

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Traveler40

Many find their way to AVEN desperate and miserable.  What’s interesting to me is when I read about how so many choose to stay that way ultimately.  I did that for years while having my children.  If not for the children...

 

That’s also why folks just starting out and aware of their sexual mismatch must seriously reconsider in my opinion.  Lacking that sexual bond for a sexual is so major that it’s the exception to make it work happily.  It can be done as some have professed here, but I do not believe it’s the norm.

 

Children bind and are decades long, if not lifelong glue.  They are, quite simply, a game changer.  My life is wonderful because of them, and I cannot, will not tear their world apart. It’s not about me at this point.  With that said, being happy enough matters to my household as well.  Compromise (without the pressure of a timeline) can work when done well.

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uhtred
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Many find their way to AVEN desperate and miserable.  What’s interesting to me is when I read about how so many choose to stay that way ultimately.  I did that for years while having my children.  If not for the children...

 

That’s also why folks just starting out and aware of their sexual mismatch must seriously reconsider in my opinion.  Lacking that sexual bond for a sexual is so major that it’s the exception to make it work happily.  It can be done as some have professed here, but I do not believe it’s the norm.

 

Children bind and are decades long, if not lifelong glue.  They are, quite simply, a game changer.  My life is wonderful because of them, and I cannot, will not tear their world apart. It’s not about me at this point.  With that said, being happy enough matters to my household as well.  Compromise (without the pressure of a timeline) can work when done well.

Even without children, leaving is so hard.  Often people *love* their asexual partners.  Really love - as in would die for, would do anything to make them happy.  Ar happy when they are happy, sad when they are sad etc etc  - all the C&&& is real for some people.

 

Because of this I pretty much invariably recommend that people not yet in a committed relationship GET OUT if there is a bad mismatch. There is not just one person in the would that someone could love, but for many once they fall in love, then there can never be another. 

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NickJ

My wife agreed last year that I could seek out a secondary partner. I had no expectation as to when or how that would happen, and as is often the case, I met someone when I least expected it. My new partner was very clear that we would be just friends with benefits, that it would not be anything deeper. It's often said that no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. Apparently, it applies to relationships too.

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Telecaster68
21 minutes ago, NickJ said:

My wife agreed last year that I could seek out a secondary partner. I had no expectation as to when or how that would happen, and as is often the case, I met someone when I least expected it. My new partner was very clear that we would be just friends with benefits, that it would not be anything deeper. It's often said that no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. Apparently, it applies to relationships too.

You mean feelings have become deeper?

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NickJ
6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You mean feelings have become deeper?

Very much so. It’s not something either of us expected. This is my first foray into a poly situation but it’s not my partner’s. It took us both by surprise. We were not looking for a serious relationship. In her case, she was actively looking to avoid one.

 

So I’d say it is possible to have these situations and not develop deeper feelings. But don’t be surprised if feelings do develop. Love often happens when you least expect it.

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desertdad

I am finally looking to find outside relief after a lot of years. Self gratification is almost as lonely as no gratification. I don't want animalistic mechanics, I want someone that wants to be touched and wants to touch me, that enjoys the connection between a man and woman during sex. Not an emotional romantic relationship, but a relationship of shared passion, desire, and having fun.

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uhtred
20 hours ago, desertdad said:

I am finally looking to find outside relief after a lot of years. Self gratification is almost as lonely as no gratification. I don't want animalistic mechanics, I want someone that wants to be touched and wants to touch me, that enjoys the connection between a man and woman during sex. Not an emotional romantic relationship, but a relationship of shared passion, desire, and having fun.

Can you have that without falling for the other person?  I'm pretty sure I couldn't. 

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SusannaC

I believe it is very difficult to keep emotions out of a sexual relationship if someone is innately monogamous.  Has happened to me.  Started with the simple need for sexual fulfillment- after almost 20 yrs. I had no desire for emotional entanglement or romantic love.  After almost 10 months with this same person I can say without a doubt that very strong feelings of love have developed.  A dilemma has been created which presents no easy or painless solution.

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I believe it is very difficult to keep emotions out of a sexual relationship if someone is innately monogamous.  Has happened to me.  Started with the simple need for sexual fulfillment- after almost 20 yrs. I had no desire for emotional entanglement or romantic love.  After almost 10 months with this same person I can say without a doubt that very strong feelings of love have developed.  A dilemma has been created which presents no easy or painless solution.

Not sure this is about "innate monogamy", but about sex being emotional, maybe more than people realize?

 

I mean, when love isn't switching over in a serial manner, but it becomes attached to two people at once – not just one – this is what sounds like is often the source of complexity?

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anamikanon

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone I didn't care about. Sex for the sake of sex is overrated IMO.

 

Also, I don't see how someone can be sex deprived, desperately want sex and not have an intense emotional response to their sexual partner. Heck you'd have that if you were broke and someone gave you money.

 

At least for me, sex is about intimacy. If I didn't care about them when I started off, I would, when I'd done it.

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NickJ
On 11/11/2018 at 9:32 PM, SusannaC said:

I believe it is very difficult to keep emotions out of a sexual relationship if someone is innately monogamous.  Has happened to me.  Started with the simple need for sexual fulfillment- after almost 20 yrs. I had no desire for emotional entanglement or romantic love.  After almost 10 months with this same person I can say without a doubt that very strong feelings of love have developed.  A dilemma has been created which presents no easy or painless solution.

I can relate to this very much. Life is far more complicated than I expected. And I already knew it was pretty  damned complicated to begin with.

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ryn2
22 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Not sure this is about "innate monogamy", but about sex being emotional, maybe more than people realize?

I think it depends more on how emotional sex is for the participants than it does in innate monoamory v. innate polyamory.  That “emotionalness” is going to vary significantly from person to person. 

 

The degree it poses a problem for the primary/original relationship will vary on basis of mono- v. polyamory, though.

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mreid
9 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Also, I don't see how someone can be sex deprived, desperately want sex and not have an intense emotional response to their sexual partner. Heck you'd have that if you were broke and someone gave you money.

Not really? I'd be bothered because I would feel like I owe the other person. Depending on their reasons for giving me money I might even end up resenting them for preying on my financial difficulties. I'd much rather if they gave me a job instead just money.

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anisotrophic

@mreid off topic but: giving someone a job partly inspired by wanting to help them out can be a stressful arrangement for both parties, I wouldn't recommend it. Just give money imo.

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mreid

@anisotropic But if you are broke and someone gives you money what guarantee do you have that you won't be broke again after it runs out? A job offers more stability and gives you more power.

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anisotrophic
8 minutes ago, mreid said:

@anisotropic But if you are broke and someone gives you money what guarantee do you have that you won't be broke again after it runs out? A job offers more stability and gives you more power.

Don't "hire" someone to help them get a job in the future. Then you're giving them money *and* trying to teach them too, they aren't a useful employee. It's stressful all around.

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mreid

@anisotropic What? I meant give the other person a job and then let them sort themselves out. I didn't mention anything about teaching and you are not giving them money, they are working for it and earning it.

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anisotrophic
3 minutes ago, mreid said:

@anisotropic What? I meant give the other person a job and then let them sort themselves out. I didn't mention anything about teaching and you are not giving them money, they are working for it and earning it.

I can tell you something from experience and you can ignore it. I think you tend to do that. 🤷‍♂️

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mreid

@anisotropic Ok then.

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ryn2

Conceptually I would rather be steered towards a permanent solution (e.g., helped to find a suitable job or towards access to services, not specifically hired by the Good Samaritan) than given money too, but I don’t think that negates the original point.  I would still have had an emotional reaction, as a broke person, to having been given money.  It would just have been negative emotions rather than positive ones.

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Sally

Having read so many posts by sexuals on AVEN who say they feel that sex is not just "physical" but an emotional experience, and also saying that they want to have sex with the person they love (meaning their asexual partner), AND having had two relationships with sexuals who definitely invested sex with emotion -- nope, I think it would be extremely unusual for the sexual partner to be able to keep sex with a third party just physical.  And then there's the third party's emotions, also.  

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kevinkedar

you can go with escort service I think....only the prostitutes have no feelings and they laid for paid sex...Make sure it's legal or if you want to take a risk.

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roland.o
On 12/21/2018 at 9:50 AM, kevinkedar said:

prostitutes have no feelings

I disagree. They are hard-working people in a tough job that most people wouldn't want to work in, and couldn't handle either. They should be treated with respect, not as a thing that doesn't have feelings.

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Sally

Sex workers get paid to provide a service.  They are no less respectable than auto mechanics, restaurant workers, construction workers, or anyone else who works for a wage.   

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kevinkedar
3 hours ago, roland.o said:

I disagree. They are hard-working people in a tough job that most people wouldn't want to work in, and couldn't handle either. They should be treated with respect, not as a thing that doesn't have feelings.

They do have feeling as an individual but when they are with their clients, they are more professional. I just want to say that when they are having sex with their client, they deal it professionally instead of heart to heart connection. 

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roland.o
3 hours ago, kevinkedar said:

I just want to say that when they are having sex with their client, they deal it professionally instead of heart to heart connection.

I was hoping that this is your attitude, and that your post just sounded ambiguous. Thank you for clarifying! :cake::D:cake:

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