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Is My Partner Asexual?


Dwe89

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I’ve been in a relationship with another guy (we identify as gay) for the last two years. When we first met my partner requested that we not have sex because he wanted to focus on getting to know each other so we waited about 3 months. Then we had sex about 3 times over the next few months and then haven’t since. We’ve brought it up for conversation every couple months but he always has a different excuse for why not. Most recently it was because I’m not out to my southern-conservative parents who have disowned other family members for being gay. My partner stated that he didn’t see me as a confident person because I wasn’t out to them. Everyone else in my life considers me to be one of the most confident people they’ve ever met. However, this is just one of many other nonsensical reasons why he thinks were not having sex. Whenever I touch him in a sexual way he withdraws and walks away, stating that he needs to do something else...anything else. 

 

He he likes to cuddle a lot and do cutesy type things, but that’s the extent of physical intimacy. I use to try and initiate oral sex and he felt uncomfortable at first and wanted me to stop or he would just grab his phone and play a game on it or check Instagram as a way of checking out so I just stopped. He’s always said that he hates to perform oral but has tried a handful of times after we’ve had a talk about how something needs to change about our sex life, but only out of what seems like guilt. From what I understand of his previous encounters with guys, his only had sex 3 other times before me (he’s 26) and has only been in one relationships that ended because of something related to sex but he was never clear about it.

 

I asked him on our second date if he was asexual and he became appalled by me suggesting it. I told him I was only asking because the only two relationships I had been in didn’t work out because the guys ended up realizing/accepting they were asexual after we started dating. My two best friends, who are also asexual like to joke that I’m an asexual magnet which is ironic because I’m naturally a hyper sexual person that has alway been very adventurous sexually.

 

I care for my partner a great deal, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t understand what is going on and every time we talk about it there is a completely new reason. Am I crazy for thinking he is on the asexual spectrum? Is there anyone who can relate or provide me with more insight? 

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404_DeletedAccount

You're not crazy for thinking that. It's obvious he's uncomfortable with sex and you should tell him it's okay if he is, nothing is wrong with him. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Maybe print him off some testimonials from aces and let him read them? Either way he needs to start being honest with you or it's not gonna work regardless.

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Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

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It doesn't matter whether he is asexual or not. What matters is that he is disinterested in sex with you. Are you willing to accept that? You can only respond to the present. Making decisions based on what could be in the future will only postpone decisions that are difficult - there is no way you can predict the future.

 

He may be ace. He may be second thinking his involvement with you. He may have issues with getting involved with someone who is still in the closet.... The important thing, in my view is that your efforts to resolve the sexual mismatch appear to be only on your end and he does not seem to be interested in engaging.

 

As a fellow hypersexual AND in a relationship with an ace, I'd tell you to RUNNNN if this isn't what you want. Before you dig your emotions in deeper.

 

At the very least the time is ripe for a frank conversation laying all your cards on the table and asking HIM whether he is interested in having sex with you at all, and if he is, what the hindrances are and how they can be overcome.

 

On a bit more psychological/philosophical note, I am of the belief that we are attracted to people because they offer us something we need in HOW they are, including the most serious ways apparent mismatches manifest.

 

As a personal example, since I don't know your life that well, I was out of an abusive marriage that involved coercive marital rape and given up on men and sex as "too much headache" and fell in love with my ace who is guaranteed to never force me into sex, is super considerate and unfailingly ready to talk problems through. He is impeccably respectful of me and absolutely never abusive. Exactly what I needed, even though the sexual frustration is... frustrating. On his end, he fell in love with a hypersexual woman who is very uninhibited about sex and very experienced at handling psychological issues as well. He has several serious psychological issues that pretty much prevented him having any meaningful relationships till me, was completely inexperienced sexually and headed for an arranged marriage, which would definitely be expected to be sexual and very likely with an orthodox woman, if he hadn't met me. He literally committed and clung to me like a lifeline way before I was ready for a relationship. He is sex neutral, but definitely likes the other side effects of a sexual relationship. The touching, flirting, physical intimacy and so on. He isn't able to sense emotions easily, so they also give him a very reassuring awareness of being very loved in a relationship - something he has longed for all his life. On the surface of it, it is a mismatch, but we suit each other in important ways.

 

This may not be relevant to you, but I just thought of it when you said that you are an asexual magnet and this may be your third asexual partner in a row. Perhaps being with them offers you something you need? In which case, even if your partner is ace, he may be right for what you need even more than sex?

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Telecaster68

I'd echo the 'finding people who fit (what we think at the time are) our needs' theory, substantially from personal experience. 

 

This is just a bit of a flyer and I might be completely off but, given you're a not out, totally, do you think you may be choosing partners whose lack of obvious sexuality makes it easier for you to not come out? 

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