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tygersongbird

For the sexuals and everybody, honest opinion: Is sex really all that great?

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anamikanon
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently, as there are some regular AVEN posters who describe their own preferences much this way and who consider themselves sexual.  They consider themselves sexual because they want to share sexual intimacy with their partners, but do not enjoy/will not engage in “typical” penetrative sex.  The exact details vary from poster to poster.

I'm quite convinced that my ace is what he claims to be - ace or at best very very low libido some sort of grey. Libido too low to even identify properly, but some sort of reciprocal arousal sounds likely.

 

I think his enjoyment of overtly "couple" behavior and physical acts of intimacy which I see as sexual are more because he doesn't get the emotional aspect of things easily. He has what is called "emotional blindness" - he isn't even able to identify basic stuff like "I'm happy right now" without a LOT of pointed questions and prompting. Also given his difficulties with relationships and his very real longing to be accepted and loved, the actions of love sort of help him register and make the relationship REAL - that he is indeed accepted and loved and very desired etc. So he loves them.

 

But this is my guess, not something he's said. I'm going to present this hypothesis to him and see what he thinks.

 

If he gets aroused by them on occasion, it is usually because I get seduced by his affection and get all hot and stimulate him, or he can be affectionate for hours and fall asleep leaving me staring at the ceiling. lol In the sense that from what I have seen of him, I don't really think he's sexual, though he is indifferent and not averse either. I seriously can't imagine a sexual who can fall asleep with a body part inside another person. Trust me, it takes exactly once of being on the receiving end of that to totally "get" that sex is not something he cares about one way or the other. In the sense, he doesn't even dislike it enough to make an effort to get said body part out before sleeping. Plain indifference.

 

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Is a sexual who only enjoys foreplay-esque acts and who will not engage in PIV/anal/oral still different from an ace like your partner who distinguishes romantic relationships from friendships based on their foreplay-esque closeness?  If so, is it because there’s some fundamental difference in why they desire those acts/that sort of closeness?

 

Or are they only different because people are definining “sex” differently?

I think this may vary for people, but like I said, my ace is different from a sexual pretty drastically in the sense of indifference to sex. It isn't about what he engages in or doesn't. He simply doesn't care. If it registers, it is because it has caught his attention/imagination briefly. How long it will last is anyone's guess. It does not have to go to climax, it doesn't have to be cancelled. He can simply drift to something his mind finds more interesting. Plans for tomorrow's dinner in the middle of sex... I can't see a sexual being distracted that easily from arousal regardless of activity preferences. Then they'd be ace, no?

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ryn2

I’ll be interested to hear his thoughts on the topic.

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anamikanon
29 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’ll be interested to hear his thoughts on the topic.

Bounced it off him. He agrees. So I went on a limb and wondered if this is also related to his asexuality + ability to feel arousal as well as interest in pleasing me. His inability to identify what he feels in a moment makes it hard for him to feel desire, but being aroused is a direct physical sensation and pleasuring me is another action.

 

He agreed that that too sounded about right.

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

He has what is called "emotional blindness" - he isn't even able to identify basic stuff like "I'm happy right now" without a LOT of pointed questions and prompting.

Alexithymia? I have that too.

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anamikanon
Just now, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Alexithymia? I have that too.

yes

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Serran
On 8/23/2018 at 2:07 PM, anamikanon said:

 

 

If he gets aroused by them on occasion, it is usually because I get seduced by his affection and get all hot and stimulate him, or he can be affectionate for hours and fall asleep leaving me staring at the ceiling. lol In the sense that from what I have seen of him, I don't really think he's sexual, though he is indifferent and not averse either. I seriously can't imagine a sexual who can fall asleep with a body part inside another person. Trust me, it takes exactly once of being on the receiving end of that to totally "get" that sex is not something he cares about one way or the other. In the sense, he doesn't even dislike it enough to make an effort to get said body part out before sleeping. Plain indifference.

 

 

Personally, I find PiV so incredibly boring I can understand falling asleep during it. Its yawn worthy.  I would rather be literally staring at a wall watching paint dry. There is no pleasure for me. At best its awkward and messy, at worst its boring and I make lists in my head to pass the time. 

 

But, I dont ID as asexual. I love other sexual types of contact, I want them and I desire them. But if my partner wanted PiV I would not be happy with our sex life and find it hard to embrace the stuff I do like. I do have a low libido myself, so I largely like doing things to someone and only occasionally will ask for it to be a returned favor. But, still, very sexual behavior and not at all missing sexual attraction or desire.. its just different from the norm. 

 

So.. attitude about PiV sex isnt really the key. I know other people who ID as sexual but prefer what some consider foreplay behavior. Sure lots like penetrative sex but some people find it boring and blah. And boring and tired while making repetitive motions ? Sounds easy to fall asleep to me. And if you google husband fell asleep during sex lots of results pop up about it. And its from "normal" sexual couples, the person is just tired. So add in finding it too boring to hold your attention and yeah. 

 

 

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anamikanon
1 minute ago, Serran said:

Personally, I find PiV so incredibly boring I can understand falling asleep during it. Its yawn worthy.  I would rather be literally staring at a wall watching paint dry. There is no pleasure for me. At best its awkward and messy, at worst its boring and I make lists in my head to pass the time. 

 

But, I dont ID as asexual. I love other sexual types of contact, I want them and I desire them. But if my partner wanted PiV I would not be happy with our sex life and find it hard to embrace the stuff I do like. I do have a low libido myself, so I largely like doing things to someone and only occasionally will ask for it to be a returned favor. But, still, very sexual behavior and not at all missing sexual attraction or desire.. its just different from the norm. 

 

So.. attitude about PiV sex isnt really the key. I know other people who ID as sexual but prefer what some consider foreplay behavior. Sure lots like penetrative sex but some people find it boring and blah. And boring and tired while making repetitive motions ? Sounds easy to fall asleep to me. And if you google husband fell asleep during sex lots of results pop up about it. And its from "normal" sexual couples, the person is just tired. So add in finding it too boring to hold your attention and yeah. 

The PIV is his preference if his body is to be involved. Not mine. He finds it the most enjoyable of the options. The falling asleep is just him being... asexual. He can be aroused, but if there is something else on his mind or he's tired, his mind can simply get distracted from the mental imagery of sex and that is that. The fact of it is that it isn't about PIV or oral or whatever. His interest in sex is not very strong to begin with. He does enjoy it when aroused, but he can be distracted from his arousal quite easily anyway.

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onelessocean
On 8/19/2018 at 10:23 PM, FictoVore. said:

Regarding the screaming orgasms convo, an orgasm doesn't even have to be that strong for one to make a lot of noise during it, it just depends on the person. One person might bang their toe and bounce around screaming, another may bang their toe even harder but just swear a bit and get on with their day, lol.     

You make a good point.  When I gave birth to my only child I never cried out, yelled, shed a tear, etc.  Got my hand caught in a piece of machinery once....same thing.  I might be one of those people who just doesn't have dramatic outward reactions to intense physical sensations sexual or otherwise...

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
2 hours ago, onelessocean said:

You make a good point.  When I gave birth to my only child I never cried out, yelled, shed a tear, etc.  Got my hand caught in a piece of machinery once....same thing.  I might be one of those people who just doesn't have dramatic outward reactions to intense physical sensations sexual or otherwise...

Yep exactly! I think I'm the same.. I just don't like the idea of yelling or screaming about anything so keep it in, haha. Whereas I've been with women who are making a crap-load of noise moaning etc before they're even close to orgasm, some people just express strong sensations with a lot more noise and fuss whereas others clamp their jaws shut, or maybe don't even feel any need at all to make noise! :P

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Serran
20 hours ago, anamikanon said:

The PIV is his preference if his body is to be involved. Not mine. He finds it the most enjoyable of the options. The falling asleep is just him being... asexual. He can be aroused, but if there is something else on his mind or he's tired, his mind can simply get distracted from the mental imagery of sex and that is that. The fact of it is that it isn't about PIV or oral or whatever. His interest in sex is not very strong to begin with. He does enjoy it when aroused, but he can be distracted from his arousal quite easily anyway.

Something on his mind like some stress or work issue ? Or any general thing that might catch his attention in the room (like oh a shiny thing..!)? 

 

The tired or stressed or otherwise occupied makes total sense to me, whether you desire sex or not. I still dont get how you can want sex stuff (general you) if exhausted or stressed out. It wouldnt let me be in the right mental and emotional space. I know some use it to destress but I would never be able to enjoy it that way. 

 

With my low libido my interest in my body being involved is quite low most the time. Two weeks or so maybe, but its not a driving need... im just fine without sexual stuff or masturbation if it doesnt happen. And if in the wrong mental or emotional space then I would be just as uninterested as your hubby. But, I do actively desire things, just more often I want to give not receive. Its far more fun most the time. 

 

Does he actively desire the sexual interactions with you, or is it something he would never do except you want it? I remember you saying he initiated at long intervals when you two were going for a non-sexual relationship. So his libido flares up every couple months or so? Or less than that?

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anamikanon
1 hour ago, Serran said:

Something on his mind like some stress or work issue ? Or any general thing that might catch his attention in the room (like oh a shiny thing..!)? 

Either, both, something else.... that is what he says. In my observation, if he's stress free at work, that makes everything better.

 

Quote

Does he actively desire the sexual interactions with you, or is it something he would never do except you want it? I remember you saying he initiated at long intervals when you two were going for a non-sexual relationship. So his libido flares up every couple months or so? Or less than that?

His libido flares up on occasion (How frequent can depend on many things, but ranging from a couple of times a month to once in several months). More like the mood to masturbate, except that since I'm in his life, he'd much rather do me (I like sex, so he likes being able to offer me sex and also, frankly, I'm better at getting him off than he is. lol)

 

Left to himself, he isn't into sex. He'd never had sex when he got into a relationship with me. He hit his thirties a virgin. He'd had two platonic relationships before me, but they never progressed to anything due to various reasons and he wasn't particularly invested in taking them to sexual levels either.

 

But yes, he does enjoy sex with me when he chooses to have it - at least that is what he says, and it is hard to mistake a happily wasted man for anything else. Just that enjoying it today does not mean he'll want a repeat. It is like visiting Disneyland. Loads of fun, but you don't necessarily want to make a habit out of it.

 

Edit: Most of the time he is truly indifferent. To the point I initially used to want to scream "FEEL SOMETHING, dammit, even if it is dislike for sex". It just isn't on his radar most of the time as anything other than something I enjoy a lot. It is like me watching films - I NEVER do it unless it is with him, but I really enjoy watching with him, because it makes him so happy. But the good news with that is that most of the time it doesn't bother him either. He simply doesn't care one way or the other.

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anamikanon

Also, I think this is a good time to clarify he doesn't fall asleep every time we have sex (though it has happened on more than one occasion). I am just describing this as an example of just how indifferent he can be. Unlike us sexuals, it is fairly easy to shift his priority. Sexuals can not want sex when tired, but it is rare to be aroused and lose interest after that. He rarely wants it, but when he does, he often enjoys himself.

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ryn2
2 hours ago, anamikanon said:

[...]frankly, I'm better at getting him off than he is.

This is a lot bigger than it might sound, in my experience.  I was much more into sex when this was true.  Some people probably feel weird about that, or like my past interest in sex was purely selfish, but back in those days bonding did happen.

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jay williams
On ‎8‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 9:38 AM, Serran said:

Personally, I find PiV so incredibly boring...its yawn worthy.  I would rather be literally staring at a wall watching paint dry. There is no pleasure for me. At best its awkward and messy, at worst its boring... 

But, I dont ID as asexual. I love other sexual types of contact, I want them and I desire them. But if my partner wanted PiV I would not be happy with our sex life...

 

So.. attitude about PiV sex isnt really the key. I know other people who ID as sexual but prefer what some consider foreplay behavior. 

 

 

Bingo. This is how I have always felt. I do love (or used to love*) foreplay behavior, but I was always a little apprehensive of PIV sex. Of course, I was never any good at PIV sex. Either I would prematurely go off, or I would wind up losing interest, or something way less than thrilling.

I personally have never been able to "get" why other people find PIV sex desirable, the goal of intimacy, necessary, fulfilling, etc., etc.

It has been so long ago that I have been in a physically close hugging, cuddling or caressing situation, who knows what I would enjoy these days?  

 

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uhtred
On 9/1/2018 at 6:40 AM, jay williams said:

Bingo. This is how I have always felt. I do love (or used to love*) foreplay behavior, but I was always a little apprehensive of PIV sex. Of course, I was never any good at PIV sex. Either I would prematurely go off, or I would wind up losing interest, or something way less than thrilling.

I personally have never been able to "get" why other people find PIV sex desirable, the goal of intimacy, necessary, fulfilling, etc., etc.

It has been so long ago that I have been in a physically close hugging, cuddling or caressing situation, who knows what I would enjoy these days?  

 

For many couples PIV is the most mutual form of sex.   Both are getting pleasure from the same activity at the same time.  Other things cause pleasure, but many are asymmetrical - where only one partner at a time is really being pleased. 

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desertdad

Even just ok sex is great sex. Partners locked in an intimate embrace, making the other feel as good as you do, the incredible moans, sighs, and shakes/twiches that a partner makes when in passion creates a feedback loop for your instinctual urges and excitement until release is achieved with a gut wrenching, pelvis thrusting crescendo.

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 8/23/2018 at 11:25 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Aces on the other hand (again as a general tendency) seem perpetually baffled by the whole concept of physical touch in relationships. 

There's also an emotional version of this if you're unknowingly aro.
Stuff like not seeing your S.O. for three days and then you meet up or go out and it's such a huge deal for them but you just think they're exaggerating or overreacting.

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anamikanon
1 hour ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

There's also an emotional version of this if you're unknowingly aro.
Stuff like not seeing your S.O. for three days and then you meet up or go out and it's such a huge deal for them but you just think they're exaggerating or overreacting.

My ace is probably somewhere in the middle on this too. He's romantic in the sense of mental imagery. Acts that demonstrate love and so on. Not so much feeling anything gazing into my eyes. We had one comical instance when we were LDR, where he got home after almost two months apart, hugged me instantly like he'd really, finally come home, initiated sex and we were done within ten minutes (coming home to me is one of his mental erotic images and he used to want sex then while we were LDR - no longer works) and then felt puzzled/embarrassed and spent a while trying to act visibly "normal" - more measured affection, etc - he had NO IDEA why he "overreacted" like that.... He'd missed me without realizing it or something. ROFL. He's cute.

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Neshama
On 8/19/2018 at 4:05 PM, tygersongbird said:

It seems like the main go-to argument that I often hear whenever someone doesn't understand asexuality or doesn't understand why people don't want sex is the idea of "Well, sex is something great and awesome, like the greatest thing ever!"

 

Most people will end up saying, "Well, you need to give it a try just to see for yourself!" or "You should do it to prove that you don't like it! It might change your mind overall!" as two types of arguments against being asexual. Yes, I know there are some asexuals who have tried sex, but even then, most people will still end up saying that "It wasn't the right person" or something to them. It's ridiculous how many times people will say that, yet at the same time very infuriating because the world still doesn't grasp the idea of asexuality as an actual concept and orientation. Well, I decided to ask this question to those who are here, particularly asexuals, but it can be for everybody overall too. I did this because I want to finally get this question some answers overall really. I just wonder why people keep saying to people who are like me that we can't be asexual until you've actually, really tried sex. I don't know why, but there must be a reason why people keep bringing up that assertion all the time whenever I mention I am asexual. I don't know if they are being sincere in their thinking (as if I'm missing out on something everybody seems to like), or if they are just trying to for some weird reason break my spirit and dissuade me from being asexual, as if to convert me to the sexual religion or something. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I don't know their motives when they say these sort of things. So, I really want your opinions overall, so I desire your overall feelings and thoughts on this whole question.

 

Society always seems to sell sex to us- saying that sex is something is oh, so great, and that it is a highly important thing you just can't go without- do you agree or disagree? Is sex something so great that you would say it's essential for each and everybody? Is sex all that it's really cracked up to be? What do you say?   Yay or nay?

For me, I say that sex is pretty damn amazing in how it feels physically and the mental joy of knowing that I am capable and attractive enough to please my partner as well as knowing that they know and care about me enough to please me. I personally love pleasing my partner because it makes me feel powerful and confident and good about myself. However, I do think that sex and sexual preferences are a wide spectrum and that each person's tastes are unique and valid. If you don't like sex or feel repulsed by the concept, then that's you and that's valid. If you are super kinky and daring, then that's you and that's valid. Just as long as everything is consensual and safe with open communication, then whatever you like is what you like and is entirely valid.

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Jonnyb7283

For me I say sex is amazing, but I could gladly live without it for the rest of my life for the  amazing partner that I am lucky enough to be with. 

 

But as for sex being the best thing in the world I’d say no. I’d rather spend a day cuddled on the couch or in bed and watch movies/ shows/ dumb YouTube videos we can laugh at together over having sex any time. 

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MrDane

My sex life is directly linked to my baseline of feelings. If I can, to some extend, have mutually enjoyably sessions of sex-ish stuff with my SO, then a vigorating stream flows through me and charges my batteries of happiness. No feeling of love and the shadows creep in on me.

 

it is a drug and I am addicted.

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CBC

You may want to be extra cautious with how you use the word "addicted", @MrDane. Especially here on AVEN, so as not to add fuel to certain... misconception fires, shall we say. I mean, I relate very much to what you said, but I'm most certainly not a sex addict in the clinical sense. I've experienced addiction and I absolutely understand the parallels, it is a powerful "drug", however actual sex addiction is a life-ruiner like other addictions.

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chandrakirti

Is sex really all that great? Nah, it's just another function.

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chandrakirti

This is truly great from 2.30 though!

 

 

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ryn2

Someone mentioned in another thread that, for them, sexually desiring their partner is basically feeling very much in love with them and wanting to express those emotions physically.

 

That really drove home for me how different the whole experience is/was from my perspective... better than anything anyone else had said previously.

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MrDane
12 hours ago, CBC said:

You may want to be extra cautious with how you use the word "addicted", @MrDane. Especially here on AVEN, so as not to add fuel to certain... misconception fires, shall we say. I mean, I relate very much to what you said, but I'm most certainly not a sex addict in the clinical sense. I've experienced addiction and I absolutely understand the parallels, it is a powerful "drug", however actual sex addiction is a life-ruiner like other addictions.

Yeah, you are right. But I do think that it gives a good description to the asexuals, what it can be like to be a “normal” sexual. To be born with an innate need for that part of physical connection, bodily contact with a loving partner in a mutual acceptable way. It is a love language and is directly linked to feelings like ‘self worth’, ‘being loved’, ‘twosomeness’, ‘happiness’...

 

let me put it this way. Yes, it can turn out to be a life-ruiner. It can force you to choose between 

1. Living a perfect life with a perfect family, who you really love, but not really be able to appreciate it, since you are also suffering from a cloud of depression that pops up every now and then.

2. Get rid of the depression. (Medicin? New life situation? ) 

 

if sex was just about genital stimulation, THEN we could just masturbate ourselves and we would not need to share this experience in awkward ways.

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jay williams
5 hours ago, MrDane said:

 if sex was just about genital stimulation, THEN we could just masturbate ourselves and we would not need to share this experience in awkward ways.

I do think you are on to something correct. For many people, sex is not simply the attainment of an orgasm. For most, sex is some kind of a dynamic experience. What makes "asexual" and sexuality so difficult to define is that it is not the same for everyone.    

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ryn2

I always wonder if the experience itself is different or if it’s that some enjoy/value/benefit from it and others don’t.  Not like there’s any way to test...

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jay williams
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I always wonder if the experience itself is different or if it’s that some enjoy/value/benefit from it and others don’t.  Not like there’s any way to test...

Another good question. The one thing I am very certain about is that I do not experience enjoy/value/benefit anything great from the act of sex. If it was a good session, I feel depleted, virtually devoid of any emotion. . .maybe pretty much devoid of any brain activity? That is for a good session! But you see, it has been 30 years since I had sex, and after that time my memory has spots in it, i.e. spotty memory issues!

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jay williams
16 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Someone mentioned in another thread that, for them, sexually desiring their partner is basically feeling very much in love with them and wanting to express those emotions physically.

 

That really drove home for me how different the whole experience is/was from my perspective... better than anything anyone else had said previously.

Ditto.

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