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tygersongbird

For the sexuals and everybody, honest opinion: Is sex really all that great?

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tygersongbird

It seems like the main go-to argument that I often hear whenever someone doesn't understand asexuality or doesn't understand why people don't want sex is the idea of "Well, sex is something great and awesome, like the greatest thing ever!"

 

Most people will end up saying, "Well, you need to give it a try just to see for yourself!" or "You should do it to prove that you don't like it! It might change your mind overall!" as two types of arguments against being asexual. Yes, I know there are some asexuals who have tried sex, but even then, most people will still end up saying that "It wasn't the right person" or something to them. It's ridiculous how many times people will say that, yet at the same time very infuriating because the world still doesn't grasp the idea of asexuality as an actual concept and orientation. Well, I decided to ask this question to those who are here, particularly asexuals, but it can be for everybody overall too. I did this because I want to finally get this question some answers overall really. I just wonder why people keep saying to people who are like me that we can't be asexual until you've actually, really tried sex. I don't know why, but there must be a reason why people keep bringing up that assertion all the time whenever I mention I am asexual. I don't know if they are being sincere in their thinking (as if I'm missing out on something everybody seems to like), or if they are just trying to for some weird reason break my spirit and dissuade me from being asexual, as if to convert me to the sexual religion or something. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I don't know their motives when they say these sort of things. So, I really want your opinions overall, so I desire your overall feelings and thoughts on this whole question.

 

Society always seems to sell sex to us- saying that sex is something is oh, so great, and that it is a highly important thing you just can't go without- do you agree or disagree? Is sex something so great that you would say it's essential for each and everybody? Is sex all that it's really cracked up to be? What do you say?   Yay or nay?

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disGraceful

I don't really know how to answer this. I'm sexual but could easily live without sex. Would I want to? No, not if I'm in a relationship, which I am. But it's not like I'd die without it. I don't need it. I would equate it to like... For me, a day at the spa. Of course I don't need it but I do enjoy it? I think something a lot of asexuals misunderstand about how sexuals see sex is that the reality of sex is messy and awkward and sometimes kinda gross. Sometimes no one gets off. But it's fun and deeply intimate between the right people. Some sexuals like sex without intimacy - they like the physical sensations and often the feeling of being desired. Some can't have sex without intimacy (such as with a partner). And the sexual acts vary as well. I think sex is often talked about like it's a new Ben & Jerry's flavor - it's overhyped and exaggerated because it is great to them but ask them again when they're full! The ice cream might be delicious but no one would truly die without it and people will like it to varying degrees. "IT'S TO DIE FOR. I WILL SELL MY SOUL FOR ONE PINT." Except I wouldn't really. I would just really like more ice cream in the future.

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oldsoulvocalist

As an asexual who has tried sex, many multiple times with multiple people of multiple genders and sexes, I can definitely say that sex is NOT the greatest thing ever, and your identity is valid whether or not you've had the experience to "back it up" or whatever, or not. I'd also like to mention that in my experience, sex got less appealing as time went on, no matter how amazing I thought the people I was intimate with were. It's not as a result of my hormones or libido dropping or anything. I'm still young and relatively healthy. My curiosity peaked and then went down, and my threshold for pleasing others declined, as well. My understanding of myself and my sense of established boundaries increased with the sex I was having, and ultimately, I decided that I wasn't interested in having sex and didn't get the gratification and joy others had from it.

If I knew that I could've just NOT had sex, I think I still would have had it knowing how I've grown as a person as a result and because I love the human experience and intimacy. I don't expect to not have sex for the rest of my life, and I think sex can be great in the right contexts, preferably with a long-term romantic partner, but that's my prerogative, it's not because I enjoy the sex for the sake of sex, and it's not going to be the same for everyone.

There are also sexual people who don't even think of sex in that high of an esteem, and I think that speaks volumes, but I'll let them chime in and speak for themselves.

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ChainReact

If you’re sexual, good sex is every bit as amazing as they say! It obviously varies from person to person, but for me, I can not think of anything that is better than sex. 

 

There is just a lot of ignorance when it comes to asexuality right now, so people probably are naturally skeptical, and they probably mean to be helpful when they encourage you to keep at it till you understand how great it is. It’s like, if I had never heard of homosexuality, I would find it baffling to hear a man say that he doesn’t find women attractive. How can somebody not see what to me is so obvious? It takes familiarity to eventually understand that some people are differently oriented, and society will eventually go through the same thing that we’ve gone through with homosexuality and that we’re going through with transgender people where there is growing visibility and eventually tolerance and acceptance. It’s silly that it takes so long, but we will slowly progress. Until then, I’m sorry that people just don’t understand. 

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Nowhere Girl
13 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

Most people will end up saying, "Well, you need to give it a try just to see for yourself!" or "You should do it to prove that you don't like it! It might change your mind overall!" as two types of arguments against being asexual.

My preferred responses to such "arguments" (even though I don't necessarily think that it will always persuade people, some people use such arguments just out of ordinary hostility to asexuals):

- Why should I do something which feels so unpleasant and discomfortable (discomfortable - more than just uncomfortable) to me?

- Why are other orientations, and especially heterosexuals, given the privilege of being able to know their orientation without testing it, but we are not? It's a double standard.

It may not convince everyone, but for me it's clear: if someone doesn't want to have sex, they know it. If someone is actively sex-averse, it's probably even harder for them not to notice it. Persuading sex-averse people to try sex is a real shame - fortunately, it seems that most sex-averse people are good enough at making their minds for themselves.

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Someone Else

Back in my college dorm, I heard the neighbors going at it.  If they were bored with the experience, I couldn't tell from the sound of it.

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Just Dani
3 minutes ago, Someone Else said:

Back in my college dorm, I heard the neighbors going at it.  If they were bored with the experience, I couldn't tell from the sound of it.

🤣🤣🤣

 

Personally, I say nay. Just not my cup of tea. 🍵

 

Thinking that if you get "experience" it will somehow change your feelings about sex is a bit ridiculous. I mean, maybe it'll work for some people, but it sure didn't work for me...  (T_T) 

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Jade Cross

Closest experience taught me that No, sex is not for me and Im glad I didnt go all the way to have that sink in.

 

 

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onelessocean

Hello.  This is my first foray into AVEN.  I am older asexual who, for decades, did not understand what was really going on with herself.  This sort of information and these sorts of discussions were nowhere to be found---especially in the small rural community where I grew up.  I appreciate the chance to interact with others who share similar experiences and feelings.   I do experience heteroromantic attraction and have had plenty of sex with various partners over the years because 1) I at first confused romantic attraction with sexual attraction, 2) because it was "expected," 3) because I thought, "maybe it would get better, maybe I haven't found the "right" person, etc., 4) because I wanted to please my partners, etc.  I am currently married (for 28 years) and have sex when he wants it, and I do it as an act of love for him.  I am sex neutral, and wouldn't care if we ever had sex.  Sometimes it can be pleasurable, but most of the time it's just "meh" to me.  Occasionally it's unpleasant and irritating.   I have a hard time grasping the concept of a "screaming orgasm," and it just seems unreal to me that there are people that feel that kind of sexual pleasure.  It's not in the realm of my experience, but that certainly does not mean it's not someone else's.  I imagine to someone who is sexual, my apathy is just as hard to grasp.

 

Our society, culture, media, etc. is so highly sexualized.  I wish everyone should just be permitted to have their own experiences without judgment.

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Just Dani
5 minutes ago, onelessocean said:

Hello.  This is my first foray into AVEN.  I am older asexual who, for decades, did not understand what was really going on with herself.  This sort of information and these sorts of discussions were nowhere to be found---especially in the small rural community where I grew up.  I appreciate the chance to interact with others who share similar experiences and feelings.   I do experience heteroromantic attraction and have had plenty of sex with various partners over the years because 1) I at first confused romantic attraction with sexual attraction, 2) because it was "expected," 3) because I thought, "maybe it would get better, maybe I haven't found the "right" person, etc., 4) because I wanted to please my partners, etc.  I am currently married (for 28 years) and have sex when he wants it, and I do it as an act of love for him.  I am sex neutral, and wouldn't care if we ever had sex.  Sometimes it can be pleasurable, but most of the time it's just "meh" to me.  Occasionally it's unpleasant and irritating.   I have a hard time grasping the concept of a "screaming orgasm," and it just seems unreal to me that there are people that feel that kind of sexual pleasure.  It's not in the realm of my experience, but that certainly does not mean it's not someone else's.  I imagine to someone who is sexual, my apathy is just as hard to grasp.

 

Our society, culture, media, etc. is so highly sexualized.  I wish everyone should just be permitted to have their own experiences without judgment.

Welcome to AVEN! I hope that you enjoy your time here. 😊

 

And I agree - people should be allowed to have their own experiences without judgment. I HATE generalizations... (T_T) 

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Nowhere Girl
29 minutes ago, onelessocean said:

I have a hard time grasping the concept of a "screaming orgasm," and it just seems unreal to me that there are people that feel that kind of sexual pleasure.  It's not in the realm of my experience, but that certainly does not mean it's not someone else's.  I imagine to someone who is sexual, my apathy is just as hard to grasp.

I prefer to identify as asexual, and first of all sex-averse (because my sexual inavailability influences my social life more than just my lack of desire). I have never had sex. But I have orgasms - on my own. And for me too they are bland, weak and underwhelming. Many aces pleasure themselves, but it kinda seems common for us to be unable to fully enjoy sexual stuff even in the comfortable situation not involving partnered sex. On the other hand, to say whether it's common or not, an allosexual comparison group would be needed. Perhaps the reality is that all those intense orgasms, multiple orgasms and so on are more hype than reality, with perhaps the vast majority of people (particularly women, because we are said to be capable of more intense pleasure... in my case: NOPE, intense orgasms seem like a myth) of all orientations not being able to experience them?

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Anthracite_Impreza

Sex is neither intrinsically good or bad. It is a thing that happens and whether it's viewed as awesome or awful depends entirely on the individuals involved and the context.

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Serran
1 hour ago, onelessocean said:

  I have a hard time grasping the concept of a "screaming orgasm," and it just seems unreal to me that there are people that feel that kind of sexual pleasure.  It's not in the realm of my experience, but that certainly does not mean it's not someone else's.  

Heh. I dont get the screaming... nice, pleasurable, sure.. but screaming always seems a bit dramatic imo. 

 

But, I used to find sexual stuff meh at best. Now, I find it quite fun, with one specific person. So, I understand both sides, honestly. But it is impossible to really get either without feeling it. 

 

As for the original question ...

 

To me, its nice to do sexual stuff. But it isnt the end all be all amazing cant believe you dont like it thing. I can easily live without it. If I never orgasm again oh well. I am just as happy cuddling or something for intimacy. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Regarding the screaming orgasms convo, an orgasm doesn't even have to be that strong for one to make a lot of noise during it, it just depends on the person. One person might bang their toe and bounce around screaming, another may bang their toe even harder but just swear a bit and get on with their day, lol. Orgasms are the same. And some people do have *extremely* intense ones. I've had variations personally, but mine ar probably pretty strong compared to what some people (especially on AVEN) seem to experience. I don't ID as ace, but another person has never actually given me an orgasm and I'm not interested in seeking someone out to give me one, lol. I rather just fantasize about fictional characters in my mind at the moment :P Some of the girls I used to work with at the brothel could orgasm with almost any man, and they made noise about not for the men but because they couldn't keep the noise contained, lol..it would just happen on its own. So yeah, screaming orgasms depend upon the person having the orgasm firstly, and secondly the intensity of the orgasm imo. Some people are screamers and some just aren't (and some most definitely fake orgasm by screaming,haha)

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InProgress
4 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

Society always seems to sell sex to us- saying that sex is something is oh, so great, and that it is a highly important thing you just can't go without- do you agree or disagree? Is sex something so great that you would say it's essential for each and everybody? Is sex all that it's really cracked up to be? What do you say?   Yay or nay?

I’m a sexual and from all I have read here and been learning about as of late about sexuality, apparently I am highly sexual. By that I mean many things turn me on and I am highly prone to desire, both spontaneous when the mood just strikes me and responsive if my husband even looks at me just right (but given that I am on this forum because his lack of interest led me to think he may be a gray Ace, that hardly ever happens!) I have been attracted to both men and women, though never done more than kiss another woman. I am also apparently in the minority of women who can have an orgasm nearly every time I have sex, the only time I don’t is if I don’t quite get warmed up enough before hand. All that said, sex is wonderful for me but it isn’t something I need all the time. I miss it when too long of a time passes without it, but I can satisfy myself as needed. Sometimes I prefer my partner, sometimes I fly solo. Ultimately to me it’s one of the single greatest ways to feel pleasure, probably because I am so sensuous and orgasmic, and who doesn’t like pleasure (whatever that pleasure may be)? For me, it happens to be sex and I’ll indulge in it as often as I can. But I have also been discovering, as we explore my husband’s sexuality, (and as a by-product, mine, too) that many activities that aren’t sex are highly pleasurable for me, too. My highest area of arousal is feeling sexy and desired, which kind of feels like a cruel irony given my husband’s lack of interest - though it certainly explains why I’ve felt so off all these years - and so now we know that his recent attempts at flirting with me are going like twice as far, because I’m wired to really love that kind of attention. We continue to work on this, explore our sexuality as individuals and as a couple, and talk. The sex is wonderful when we do it, it usually is. It’s the getting to it that’s been our hang up. I have explicitly told my husband that I am always open to him, even if he would have to wake me up, unless I am horribly sick. 

 

What I’m saying is, I’m a big Yes! Yes! Yes! - and perfectly accepting that not everyone else is.

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anisotrophic

Sometimes I'm really sad after sex. Really! My partner has to comfort me. I guess it can be intense.

 

Some people won't feel sexual attraction, doesn't matter how great the sex is. (e.g. my male partner) It might be useful to have had tried sex (in a positive context) so you can have a better sense of what it is & not feeling desire for it? I think that's the benign interpretation.

 

Society puts way too much emphasis on it, you can also tell people to buzz off, maybe they're envious that you have one less thing to worry about. :)

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Sally

It's kind of silly to ask both sexuals and asexuals whether sex is really that great.  Some sexuals will say yes, it's great; others will say it's good; asexuals will say it's not.  Wouldn't we expect those answers?  

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uhtred

If the people and the circumstances are right, then yes - its great.  The happiest times in my life were when sex was great - not just the sex but the feelings for my partner that it generated.   I'm saying that with a LOT to compare to - I've had a very full life, and done almost everything I dreamed of doing as a child.   

 

Bad sex on the other hand is not worth the effort of getting a shower when you are done. 

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SG100084
2 hours ago, uhtred said:

The happiest times in my life were when sex was great - not just the sex but the feelings for my partner that it generated.  

Me too.

My wife and I have been getting back into the swing of things (perhaps not as frequently as I would like, but it's great when it happens) and I'm actually beginning to wonder that she might not be full-on ACE after all and that once she actually gets into the swing of things she is a very passionate lover indeed.


She's certainly not a noisy lover and hates to take the initiative, but she's actually been so aroused the last couple of times that it's taken me aback and made me start to ask a lot of questions about what's going on in our relationship.

The resentment on my side has completely evaporated at the moment now we are physically intimate again and the chemical compatibility is starting to kick right back in and I'm remembering why we were so good in the first place. We always used to orgasm pretty much simultaneously, which I've never had with anyone else. And I never felt so comfortable with anyone else.

I think Uhtred hits the nail on the head and  it implies that when it's really working and people are physically compatible, the sex itself is more of a means to an end, involving feelings of trust and greater bonding; a physical co-dependancy so to speak. We've been getting on great the last month or so now she's forced herself to make an effort.

And before you think she's faking because I pointed a gun at her head called "outsourcing"… that's not the case. She is absolutely flowing "down there", in a way you can't fake. She just needs to start the ignition and finding the car key has always been a problem in our house... also with the actual car.


 

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CBC

Sexual here, and I can live without it incredibly easily if there's no one in my life I feel that way about. Within the context of a loving, romantic relationship, it would make me sad and frustrated to have to do so, though. Something vital would be missing from my connection with my partner.

 

Of course it's not essential to everyone, no. Not to asexuals at all, and not to some sexuals (like me) who don't really give a shit unless we're in relationships. I mean, there's a part of me that would be sad if I never had the opportunity again in my life, but I guess that depends on how my life goes. I'd probably deal. For some people it seems to be quite essential. Feelings on sex are vastly varied amongst those of us who aren't ace, so I can only answer for myself really. And although personally I wouldn't say it's the absolute best thing in the entire universe, it can certainly be pretty great.

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Tarfeather

It's kinda like asking.. Is talking really all that great? It honestly depends much more on the person you do it with than on the act itself.

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ChainReact
2 hours ago, Tarfeather said:

It's kinda like asking.. Is talking really all that great? It honestly depends much more on the person you do it with than on the act itself.

Yeah, but take away someone’s ability to talk and any talking to anyone sounds like it would be pretty great. Better than talking to yourself anyway ;)

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ryn2

I’d rather talk to myself/my cats than talk to someone I don’t enjoy talking with.  :)

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ryn2
5 hours ago, SG100084 said:

She is absolutely flowing "down there", in a way you can't fake. 

Not at all trying to imply your wife isn’t being honest with you but physical arousal and “faking it” are not mutually exclusive.  It’s not at all unsual to have a physical response to sexual stimulation regardless of your emotional response/how mentally “into it” you are.

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Telecaster68
35 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’d rather talk to myself/my cats than talk to someone I don’t enjoy talking with.  :)

If you were wandering alone through a post-apocalyptic city for weeks, and came across the only other person you'd seen for weeks, would you not want to talk to them even if they weren't a sparkling conversationalist?

 

It's not that we sexuals can't do without the act. Of course we can, just like nobody actually needs to speak. We could write everything down for the functional stuff. It's that a partner-type relationship without sex is missing a huge, important, intense, way of sharing deep intimacy. That's what we miss when we don't have it.

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Telecaster68
12 hours ago, Dani-Chan said:

Thinking that if you get "experience" it will somehow change your feelings about sex is a bit ridiculous. I mean, maybe it'll work for some people, but it sure didn't work for me...  (T_T) 

So, er, not ridiculous then...

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you were wandering alone through a post-apocalyptic city for weeks, and came across the only other person you'd seen for weeks, would you not want to talk to them even if they weren't a sparkling conversationalist?

It’s not about being a sparkling conversationalist.  If they were a total stranger I’d exchange pleasantries/whatever we had to do post-apocalypse to survive but if we had nothing past that to talk about (or, in the case of people I know, talking with them was just plain unpleasant for whatever reason) I would revert to only speaking with them when I absolutely had to.

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Telecaster68
Just now, ryn2 said:

It’s not about being a sparkling conversationalist.  If they were a total stranger I’d exchange pleasantries/whatever we had to do post-apocalypse to survive but if we had nothing past that to talk about (or, in the case of people I know, talking with them was just plain unpleasant for whatever reason) I would revert to only speaking with them when I absolutely had to.

Wouldn't you ask them about their experiences, etc - more than just the functional exchange of information? I'm driving at the conversation being about human contact and shared humanity, not just functional, and some contact is better than no contact (assuming they weren't actually unpleasant)?

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ryn2

It’s like anything else.  Some people prefer to try things and form their own opinions, others prefer to extrapolate from similar experiences or from

what people have told them.  Still others vary in approach depending on the thing.  I don’t think there’s a universal right or wrong approach that’s guaranteed best/wisest for everyone.  The first approach carries a greater risk of subjecting onself to things one does not like (or worse) but a smaller risk of missing out on things one ends up liking.  The second minimizes the risk of exposure to unpleasant things but increases the risk of missing out on things one might have liked.

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Telecaster68

I honestly wasn't being critical, just wondering if you human contact had any value in itself in that situation, rather than based on what information you might glean.

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