WoodwindWhistler

Casual sex partners treated worse than friends?

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WoodwindWhistler

https://qz.com/767342/guys-who-are-rude-to-women-they-sleep-with-arent-jerks-theyre-sexist/

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FictoCannibal.

I just have to say I'm baffled by that article, it's like the woman who wrote it has no experience of the real world?

 

It's a known fact that if you're looking to bang casual sex partners, a great many of them (both the men AND the women) will be shallow people who don't give a crap about you, or even if they're not shallow that doesn't change the fact that the yoften are literally only looking for casual sex: No long phone convos, no courtesy coffee, no hanging out. That's the whole frikken point of casual sex for many people.

 

....So what the Frick was this women expecting? And many women who seek casual sex will treat their casual sex partners like this as well. Because people looking for casual sex usually aren't looking for friends, they're not looking for dating or a relationship. They just want to fuck and move on. And I'm not even saying there's anything wrong with that. It's just so weird that firstly she was surprised by what she experienced, and secondly that she's blaming it on sexism.

 

Get over yourself lady. It's life.

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Philip027

>woman specifically goes for NSA casual hookups

>is shocked when guy treats it as a NSA casual hookup

 

🤔

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Serran

Yeah... 

 

Casual hookups arent friendships. You dont have to text and hangout. And a lot of people dont. Its not sexist, its just both people got what they said they wanted and thats the relationship done. 

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WoodwindWhistler

@FictoVore. @Philip027 @Serran It's not just her own personal feelings about it that she's talking about . . . she's illustrating how there is a *pressure* for people in general to choke back their feelings on the matter. Including pressure on men!! (I didn't think the title really matched up with the article, tbh)

I mean, I have no experience and I don't grill people about this sort of thing, but it DOES seem kind of contrary to human nature (and animal nature) to do a thing that produces the most oxytocin and the most chance of bonding to someone and then forcibly rip yourself away because 'that's just how it is' and that's what people expect of you. (that song "I'm not good at one night stands" comes to mind). I remember reading once that 50% of people who have one night stands hope that it will lead to something more. I was not really aware that there was a strong demarcation between FWB and casual sex. I thought 'FWB' was mostly just code for casual sex (and perhaps to some it IS) but maybe it's actually very much its own category of thing that is much more mentally healthy than hookup culture . . .

And perhaps there REALLY needs to be yet another word and more substantial subculture for "I'm not looking for commitment but I'm a human, please no pump and dump, that's just rude."

"I literally risk my life for you and you can't even digitally say a sentence back to me" 

^hookup culture in a nutshell

Insanity. 

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Philip027

Yeah, I think it is insanity.  But she chose that route.  She doesn't get to try to put down other people for treating casual hookups like casual hookups just because she came to the stark realization that it's somehow not what she was expecting.  It's not their fault she somehow missed a memo.

 

Calling sexism is supposed to be a strong claim, but articles like these cheapen it.  The same has happened with "transphobic" and a lot of other similar buzzwords thrown around the place, often inappropriately.

 

50 minutes ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

It's not just her own personal feelings about it that she's talking about . . . she's illustrating how there is a *pressure* for people in general to choke back their feelings on the matter.

Sounds like pure speculation to me.  I don't really think she has any proper evidence for saying that's what happened to the guy in her situation.

 

50 minutes ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

I thought 'FWB' was mostly just code for casual sex (and perhaps to some it IS) but maybe it's actually very much its own category of thing that is much more mentally healthy than hookup culture . . .

Well yeah.  The key is in the first letter.  It stands for Friends.  Presumably, you don't really call it FWB unless the people involved are actually friends.

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Alejandrogynous
1 hour ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

I was not really aware that there was a strong demarcation between FWB and casual sex. I thought 'FWB' was mostly just code for casual sex (and perhaps to some it IS) but maybe it's actually very much its own category of thing that is much more mentally healthy than hookup culture . . .

FWB is typically considered a type of casual sex. It's casual (usually) sex with a friend instead of a stranger. I don't see why that should make it more mentally healthy, though. Some people just like to have a good time and get on with life, why does that warrant getting "unhealthy" slapped on them just because they don't stay buddies with everyone they sleep with? 

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borkfork

It sounds like she needs to learn from this experience that casual sex isn't for her.

 

Do I believe there's pressure to have casual sex? Yes. I've experienced it myself, and I learned it wasn't for me. That doesn't mean the people engaging in NSA or FWB are bad. They're just not like me in that respect. 

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WoodwindWhistler
23 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Calling sexism is supposed to be a strong claim, but articles like these cheapen it.  

 

Well yeah.  The key is in the first letter.  It stands for Friends.  Presumably, you don't really call it FWB unless the people involved are actually friends.

It depends on the individual situation. There's the 'reliable' booty call, and then the arrangement where they interact platonically, which seems much rarer. I've seen a woman *push* for people to keep their emotional attachment to a minimum because 'there's a reason you don't want to date them'. As if 'dating' and 'being an iceberg' are the only two options. 

About sexism, like I said, the article doesn't really seem to match the title. It was probably thrown in there as clickbait. This is the internet. Didn't you get that 'memo.' LOLz

 

23 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

FWB is typically considered a type of casual sex. It's casual (usually) sex with a friend instead of a stranger. I don't see why that should make it more mentally healthy, though. Some people just like to have a good time and get on with life, why does that warrant getting "unhealthy" slapped on them just because they don't stay buddies with everyone they sleep with? 

If it were typical of hookup culture to ask your partner for their STD testing report before taking them home, then it might not be so objectively unhealthy (on the other hand, a person can still have contracted an STD between that time, and there's symptomless transmission). To sleep with someone who DOESN'T care about you as a person is to sleep with someone who's also likely not going to put in the effort to make sure they don't infect you. 

I wonder what would happen if it became more common to sue someone for giving you an STD, then there might be some accountability, I guess? Hm. 

Usher paid out 1 million to a woman whom he gave herpes. 

If it were legally acceptable to sue someone for NOT keeping their testing up to date, or parameters for establishing who *likely gave it to the other? That could get messy fast, but at least it would introduce some much needed wariness in an age of rapidly spreading disease. And of course, in the case of STDs that render women infertile or cause much more serious complications than in men, because of anatomy, the amounts they could sue for would probably be different, so add more gasolinne to the gender war flames. Sigh. 

And then, the other unhealthy things about it, like people not knowing Kegel exercises, or being fully informed about the sweeping effects of birth control or abortion. (stuff I've gone into detail on other threads) Those could be addressed with good sex ed. But aren't currently. So, it's not *really* the individual person's fault, per se, but . . .

And again, look at the animal kingdom. Here's a pretty cheeky article (that I mention often on this forum) on how sex's purpose is not only reproduction, but social glue. Do animals have casual sex partners and hookups? Absolutely! But is it a *dominant* style of behavoir in (not cats, but) *primates,* or for that matter, even show up that much at all (i.e., sleeping around and practically *no* attachment to *any* mates)? Absolutely not. 

http://koryos.tumblr.com/post/55022432802/all-right-guys-here-it-is-the-big-gay-animal-sex

It appears to be, rather, a function and programming of toxic individualist society that tells an individual, override your oxytocin, be independent, tough, not weighed down, do what you and only you want, screw everyone else. Pun intended. 

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Philip027

The article itself covers the sexism bit, not just in the title.  It's pretty clear what the writer herself thinks.

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Goonie

I think there's a lot of hurt feelings with NSA sex because people assume they want it. It's often like it's a mismatch of expectations due to lack of communication, or lack of knowing what one wants. I had a summer fling once. I viewed it as a way to get back in the game after my first long term sexual relationship fizzled to an end. Said partner kept saying not to fall in love etc. My aspect of it was purely for the physical. I could experience sex with someone else so I could know more about what I liked. It took me way too long to realize when he said not to fall in love because he was leaving for college, he was already falling emotionally and it was more for him than me. That relationship ended in a crash and burn for him and I walked away mostly unscathed. He expected more out of it than I did. 

 

There's also major hangups of sex the first time, and even more so with one night stands. I've been out of the sex game for a while, but I can tell you there's a little petrified voice in the back of my head concerned about multiple things should I start having sex again. Am I too rusty to do this? What if I'm bad at sex? What if i don't remember what to do? There's the logical side that tells me it doesn't matter when the time comes. It's kind of like the concern of all new social interactions or anything you are doing in front of someone in a weird way. There's also the fact that it's very intimate even if it's NSA. It's also a very trusting act as you are vulnerable in a weird way.

 

I get pressured into one night stands and NSA as a female. It's not my cup of tea. It ends up becoming too messy for me.

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