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Desiring an ace


anamikanon

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6 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

This sounds familiar...

 

Fact is he has an array of psychological issues in addition to asexuality and sometimes when he's stressed, things just pile up and he has to erupt. What he says is just some .... material to erupt with. But sometimes it can get really depressing to know that when things go wrong, I am going to be alone trying to make sense of them till he returns to normalcy. And I'm going to be hurt and no one is going to give a fuck about that while I do it.

 

He has no sense of larger picture at such times. I do NOT want to be closer to him after what happened. Sexually or otherwise. For him, he'll say sorry and expect to be right where we were and will feel disoriented that we aren't.

Yes.  The exact content is different, obviously, but all this exactly.

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19 hours ago, anisotropic said:

I still feel guilt about my attraction being dominant/objectifying and worry about being abusive (he finds it much easier to be passive, but he's not sub). I check in and apologize a lot, maybe too much (better to err that way, I guess). He reassures me it's okay. The other day he reassured me by deliberately encouraging me to become aroused, smh. All in all, I feel very loved, that he lets me do these things out of love -- and that happiness is, I guess, the motivation for him -- it's a good feedback loop.

I have also found that having a script helps. I find that my sexual preferences have changed with him in terms of what I like. Where earlier I used to enjoy very involved, interactive sex with both partners being very aroused and eager, now I prefer sex where he is supposed to be dominating me or doing things to me, so that his lack of involvement/interest sort of seems appropriate.

 

He also seems to do better like this - not that we have a lot of things we do, just one or two he feels okay about. He feels less.... lost and unsure what to do with himself in the situation if he has a goal to do something specific to me in hand.

 

19 hours ago, anisotropic said:

It's nice to have the option of open (or poly, my heart does that), but bah, no time for that. Being happy with what we have also feels like a more stable long term plan. And I'm not sure I could comprehend someone being attracted to me at this point. It's been a long time. I'd probably be fragile/confused/upset about it.

I'm meeting someone this Sunday. No idea where it goes, but I totally get that fragile feeling. Been a while since I've been around anyone expecting it to go anywhere.

 

19 hours ago, anisotropic said:

I hope things keep getting better for you! :)

Fingers crossed. Good luck to us all!

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On September 5, 2018 at 12:44 PM, Marlow1 said:

Nope, I did not know most guys look at porn, I have only learned this since we have been in therapy. The therapist asked me what percentage of the public I thought looked at porn and I said 1%. That did of course invoke some rather shocked giggles from both the therapist and my wife. I was perplexed. Both of them told me what is actually going on, and the therapist showed me the statistics. I was confused and said what on earth are people doing that for LOL

 

I can laugh at this now, but honestly when I learned about this (2 years ago) I had no idea that folk can use that stuff the way they do. And although I had known a few guys in my time that had had porn magazines in their lockers and such, I just thought it was a game they played. Something to show off with, it seemed like a juvenile thing to me. I protested that the therapist and my wife must be wrong, there is no way guys actually get turned on by that stuff, I said, a person needs a real person, it did not make sense to me

 

I had occasionally seen mild sex scenes in a few movies but because I never felt attraction I had no idea that other people do. The therapist and my wife explained all kinds of things to me and even now I find it all really hard to comprehend. But apparently it is true

 

Anyway, long story short. My partner does not like that stuff and so over time we have now actually got rid of the TV system altogether. The only thing we watch are carefully selected DVDs. And in the main nowadays the DVDs we are watching are the movies that tell 'our' story. Basically every other day we watch one of them. Often the same one over and over, I can't remember much from films, this is the Aphantasia. (The watching movies that relate to 'our' life is part of our therapy, to compensate for having no minds eye, I think most folk that have read my old posts pretty much have the gist as to why we do this so I won't warble)

 

On the other days if we watch a movie, we watch other movies, but we avoid the graphic sex because my wife does not like it. We also have a filter system on the computer that stops it coming through

 

I am indifferent to it. Not usually repulsed but just can't be bothered with it. I might laugh at the odd funny thing, and if it is embarrasing I do sometimes complain but I can honestly say that I have never had any attraction to it, and I cannot care less that it is not coming in. I think the movies we watch are better. 

 

Like you I do still struggle to understand the flirting. But it has improved a bit since we started watching the romantic movies together and my wife has been pointing things out to me. I can see it when it is other people more. I notice it too more now regarding my wife. She works on the markets and so folk talk to her all the time. She has a vibrant personality and folk love chatting with her so I guess this is why I missed it so much in the past. But nowadays I am more aware I do notice it if it is blatent. The last time it happened I said to the guy, this is my wife don't you think she is beautiful. When I said this he smiled and left. I guess there was a twinge of jealousy, but this is only because I saw it with my own eyes. If my wife tells me something like this happened I don't get the same feeling because I cannot imagine it. But anyway after the guy had gone my wife brought it up, and once again I went back into that proud mode saying they will fancy my wife she is beautiful. My wife finds this odd sometimes, since she does get jealous a lot more than I do, and it stays for a while with her too.

 

It is because my wife thought it was the brain hemhorrage that caused all this that she soldiered on with it. But when she realised I had Aphantasia from there we both clicked on to the Demisexual thing. All of the learning we have done from looking at all of these things has helped both of us to see what the other is experiencing. And the more we understand the spectrums involved with all this the happier we both are becoming. The AVEN site more than any other resource has been the biggest help

That is just HILARIOUS that you didn't know that most men use porn, LOL! I'm with you, I don't understand what's so stimulating about it; mostly, it just seems so silly and mechanical and repetitious. The fact that they typically pair beautiful women with men who are monumentally unattractive except for being well-hung doesn't help, but even if the guys were hot, it would still be the same thing over and over… I don't get why people don't get bored.

 

 Most of what's on TV these days isn't worth watching, so you're probably better off without TV… Although there is the occasional good thing, like the Sherlock Holmes shows with Benedict Cumberbatch. Have you ever seen those? Holmes is traditionally very much like you, with just one woman that he was ever interested in, and no apparent interest in sex or romance aside from her. He does however have an exceptional mind's eye of course.

 

It makes perfect sense to ME that you're proud that your wife is so beautiful and vibrant that many men are attracted to her; not everyone is wired for jealousy. Aphantasia definitely has its benefits!

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17 hours ago, anamikanon said:

This sounds familiar...

 

Fact is he has an array of psychological issues in addition to asexuality and sometimes when he's stressed, things just pile up and he has to erupt. What he says is just some .... material to erupt with. But sometimes it can get really depressing to know that when things go wrong, I am going to be alone trying to make sense of them till he returns to normalcy. And I'm going to be hurt and no one is going to give a fuck about that while I do it.

 

He has no sense of larger picture at such times. I do NOT want to be closer to him after what happened. Sexually or otherwise. For him, he'll say sorry and expect to be right where we were and will feel disoriented that we aren't.

Has the term "borderline personality disorder" come up in reference to him? If not, I'd recommend looking it up and seeing if it applies; I can't tell from a distance, but some of the hallmarks are there, and it would explain a lot. 

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2 minutes ago, Dawning said:

Has the term "borderline personality disorder" come up in reference to him? If not, I'd recommend looking it up and seeing if it applies; I can't tell from a distance, but some of the hallmarks are there, and it would explain a lot. 

He believes he may have BPD, but when he went to meet a psychiatrist, the Anxiety disorders were confirmed right off the bat (they are most prominent and he's aware of them most too). He actually has several problems. BPD is very likely, as is demand avoidance, alexythimia, avoidant personality... autism spectrum stuff. He is high functioning most of the time and has workable hacks for most things he has a problem with, so I don't insist he go for therapy - he tried it and found my support more useful than the therapy, where he didn't really ... vibe and experienced no improvements. For the most part, his issues are largely under control, but sometimes when he is overwhelmed.... sigh.

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BPD is a heavy burden to bear. Many shrinks believe that it cannot be treated, and will even refuse to accept BPD patients. There is no real accepted therapy for it, any treatment usually involves handling just one piece of it rather than the overall illness, and it's entirely possible that the therapist he went to had no idea how to deal with him and so was genuinely not helping him.

 

I was involved with a man with BPD once. He was so good when he was functioning that I kept excusing, forgiving, overlooking, and telling myself I could deal with, the rough stuff. Eventually, he did me the biggest favor that any human being has ever done for me; he turned on me like a wild dog, and severed all contact with me forever. I could never have accomplished the things that I have in the years since then if all my energy was going towards managing the relationship with him.

 

That doesn't mean that you can't make things work with YOUR man, just that it might be helpful to take a good objective look over various periods of time, a week, a month, what have you, and see if you are really coming out ahead with him. I would suggest keeping a journal, and don't sugarcoat what you write there. Is there really enough good stuff to make it worth dealing with the bad stuff? Only you can tell; just please be sure you're using your head, and not just letting the emotional rollercoaster carry you blindly forward. Good luck!

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I have a friend with BPD, he says that sugar and junk foods make his symptoms worse. Like me he is using a high-fat low carb diet to control his symptoms. I am using the GAPs diet (similar to Paleo Diet) to help myself with the damage from my Brain Hemhorrage and other brain conditions,  that's how I met this guy

 

Long story short, he reckons he has too much glutamate in his brain. Getting his glucose levels under better control has helped. He recommends reading the work of consultant Emily Dean

 

http://evolutionarypsychiatry.blogspot.com/2010/09/borderline-personality-disorder-and.html?m=1

 

Disclaimer: AVEN require me to provide a disclaimer when I am promoting alternative therapies. I am not a doctor and I cannot diagnose. I cannot even prove the treatments I speak of actually work, other than to tell you that without the diet that I am using,  to keep my glucose levels in a good way and to provide optimal nutrition for my brain,  I am so severely disabled I cannot walk or speak or take care of myself in any way when not doing this. If i do the protocol correctly I can walk with a walking stick and can verbalise what I need to say reasonably well.  I met the guy I mentioned through a local support group relating to the paleo ketogenic diet for brain health

 

I hope this information is useful. These treatments can be difficult to adhere to. If it all sounds like too much work just cutting back on sugar in some cases can be beneficial

 

The friend I am referring to told me that he believes his symptoms are hyperglycemia, he said he was entering altered states befor he managed to get his blood sugars under control

 

if you think this is of use please do seek out a consultant. I have come across quit a few consultants willing to help folk for free with brain problems.

 

They are using similar treatments here in England at the NHS for a wide range of brain disorders Epilepsy, Parkinsons, Brain Tumors and so on. I am using the GAPS protocol and so are other members of my family. Honestly, I cannot walk or talk without it, and as I have mentioned I am meeting folk all the time with many brain disorders that are saying either GAPS/Paleo/Keto diets etc have has an enormous positive effect regarding their mental, emotional and physical disorders of the brain

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Thanks, @Dawningand @Marlow1

 

It is food for thought. When things go well, he's perfect. Episodes like the one a few days ago are relatively rare. (Edit: He already has to keep an eye on sugar intake, because he has problems with blood sugar levels getting high on occasion, but with his sweet tooth, he does slip often)

 

I suppose we all have our ugly sides. I do too. I can be extremely hostile to ideas and people I dislike - particularly thoughtless majoritarian views that excuse marginalization of people, promotion of superstition and prejudice or plain illogic - most people will be tactful and at least not outright rude. I cut it down and leave an awkward silence. It doesn't bother me. There are plenty of nice people in the world to converse with who will be pleasant no matter how repugnant or idiotic the conversation. I don't have to be one.

 

At least he is hostile when he can't help it. I can't even claim that. I make an art form out of hostile. He has never so much as blinked about it though he finds social discord very difficult (Avoidant personality disorder). He believes in me and supports my autonomy absolutely - whether convenient or not.

 

I am not making excuses for him. I have lines that I won't cross even for love. Like telling him that if he walks out of my bedroom in anger after flinging accusations, he can stay out till I invite him back - IF I invite him back - he can't count on it. My room isn't a stage for him to hold tantrums and hurt me on whim. Any deliberate hostility in a loving relationship will absolutely not be accepted. Love or go. No punching bags here.

 

But I find it difficult to reject him over something he can't help. His tantrums are more like him striking out in a blind panic than any thoughtful action. Feels like I'd be rejecting someone for being disabled or something. Sometimes it is hard not to be hurt when it sounds like he doesn't get the most basic things about me.

 

It isn't an easy balance. I confess I have often thought of ending it. Particularly while he is being difficult. But somehow, once the episode passes, I find myself liking him again. Only plus side is that as he feels more and more secure in our relationship, these sort of episodes are decreasing dramatically.

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43 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

But I find it difficult to reject him over something he can't help.

I think this applies in a slightly wider way to a lot of 'mixed' relationships. However much the need to have sex is butting up against the need not to have sex, it's a really tough thing to have to contemplate. Either side would be rejecting the other person for something they can't help.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 8/19/2018 at 9:19 PM, Marlow1 said:

I am Demisexual, not Ace, and so what I am about to say might not be of any relavence to you at all

 

A few years ago I had a brain hemhorrage and following this a certain level of Aceness returned to my life and my very long term partner suffered the consiquences. It is difficult to explain how we managed to get me back into the Demisexual state, but what I can tell you, following my injury, I could not get myself in a good place until I realised that what my partner was pining for was to feel deeply desired, not the sexual act itself

 

Restoring this was a challenge, and not just because of the brain hemhorrage, I have another brain condition called 'Total Aphantasia', which basically makes it impossible for me to become attracted to another person just by looking at them, or even if I know them well. I require certain conditions to become attracted. My brain is wired differently!!!! And by the way, this condition is not regarded as a disorder, not a disorder, just a different way of thinking!

 

If you want to know more about my story with my partner there is quite a lot of information in my previous posts, and on my profile I have placed some links about Aphantasia. This particular article below shows some of the ways that the Aphantasia mind is different and hints at the lack of attraction associated with this condition

 

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

Anyway, I am not saying that your Ace has Aphantasia, most Aces don't!!! What I am saying is some folk in this world are wired up differently and because of this it is difficult for some of us to see the relavence of things like desirability, and other things to do with attraction. Folk with Aphantasia cannot visually fantasize about their partner in their heads and so this limits further our ability to comprehend what sexual folk experience

 

Personally I am attracted to my partner, but because of the Aphantasia, my attraction to her is very different to the way she is attracted to me.

 

I have built a construct in my mind of her, and now when I see her, I can become attracted but, only to her, nobody else. But for my partner the sexual attraction and the sex itself is massively more important than this what I am experiencing. Her desire for me is 'passionate' and she will hanker and hanker for me. And it is not really easy for me to comprehend this, because for me our relationship is perfect and I am constantly content with it, but putting effort in to make her feel 'desired' has helped us a lot

 

When we were on the slipper slopes, we both ended up sour-faced. The attraction issue was always there in the background. Learning about perception and how folk project during attraction helped us both develop all this desire thing better

 

Plus, bringing in a lot, a very lot of 'fun' into the relationship, brought us closer, and then also helped me to behave more desiring towards her, and as all this built up, she became more content and now feels desired. And that is what she wanted. 

 

Feeling desired is more important than the sex for my partner. And me having a condition that makes it difficult to perceive this could have been the end of us, almost definately was, believe me it really was. But we have sorted this. My previous posts do I think shed some light on this

 

I do hope at least something I have said here helps. If only knowing that there are conditions that limit a persons ability to become attracted and understand attraction, if just that helps I would be delighted. It is difficult in just one post like this to explain how we improved things, but we have! And it was me recognising that my partner needs to feel desired that made the difference

@Marlow1 Thanks for sharing! Your reply may definitedly help me to get through some of my (similiar) demisexual - ace relationship issues.

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On 7 September 2018 at 9:17 AM, Dawning said:

That is just HILARIOUS that you didn't know that most men use porn, LOL! I'm with you, I don't understand what's so stimulating about it; mostly, it just seems so silly and mechanical and repetitious. The fact that they typically pair beautiful women with men who are monumentally unattractive except for being well-hung doesn't help, but even if the guys were hot, it would still be the same thing over and over… I don't get why people don't get bored.

 

 Most of what's on TV these days isn't worth watching, so you're probably better off without TV… Although there is the occasional good thing, like the Sherlock Holmes shows with Benedict Cumberbatch. Have you ever seen those? Holmes is traditionally very much like you, with just one woman that he was ever interested in, and no apparent interest in sex or romance aside from her. He does however have an exceptional mind's eye of course.

 

It makes perfect sense to ME that you're proud that your wife is so beautiful and vibrant that many men are attracted to her; not everyone is wired for jealousy. Aphantasia definitely has its benefits!

Yes, certain folk just can't even believe in the Demisexuality, but fortunately some do and so I can discuss this to some extent, but me not being attracted to pornography, that one is much harder for folk to believe, I guess the media has convinced society that all men enjoy it. I know that it is the Aphantasia, I just can't explain it much beyond that

 

I do struggle to follow all films, and I forget them quickly. I can watch a film over and over and still not recall it well. This has been an advantage lately, the watching them over and over, I mean.

 

My partner is really fussy about movies and ironically would prefer to watch the same movies over and over. She is particularly fond of musicals, romance stories and Disney. She sees these films as escapism. As I have mentioned elsewhere we are working on my English Literature. We have read in a few places  that children with Aphantasia do not tend to do well at school at this subject.

 

Over the last couple of years my partner and I have put together a large collection of movies that remind us of ourselves and our relationship. She tells me that many of her fantasies are romantic and that they run in her head rather like the movies we now watch. This insight has helped me understand her better. I have always been quit romantic in my own way but sharing the fun and joy of these movies and learning a new skill, identifying with the characters,  has definitely helped me with the romantic communication.

 

I think maybe because when I was a child nobody ever showed me how to identify with films or stories, I missed out on some of the skills generally needed to communicate my feelings in real life. We both are definitely communicating better doing this. And the biggest joy for my partner is knowing that I can now follow thee particular movies, if anything does happen to her I will have reference material to refer to that will remind me of her

 

My brother that has the Aphantasia told my partner a while back that his girlfriend helps him to 'switch on' and that when she was around she reminded so much of the things he wants and needs in his life and without her he struggled to muster up thought of romance and other intimate stuff. Hearing this is what prompted my wife into considering this movies about ourselves thing as a compensatory tool other than just her helping me think more that way too

 

As well as romance, the films we watch are often ironic and they bring a bit of comedy into our real life situations that were kind of bitter before we realised what was going on. The latest film we have been watching is called '50 First Dates'. It is about a woman that has had a brain injury that forces her to live in the present. The guy loves her so much and ends up doing many of the things that my wife has done for me to help me understand our life together, scrap book, videos, subtitles and so on.

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ErjP5xMTc8I

 

We watched this last night. And although it was the woman that had the injury and the man that was in the role that my wife has been in, I could still identify. I don't think I could have done this two years ago. And one funny thing in the film that reminded me of my wife and me was the way the woman with the brain injury kept referring to each kiss as their first kiss. I think I posted here recently that when we make love it seems like the first time every time for me. My wife and I both chuckled at that one

 

Oh Sherlock Holmes, oh Sherlock Holmes, a massive fan here. I will have to look up the version staring Benedict Cumberbatch, I will have to check that one out

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On 7 September 2018 at 5:24 PM, anamikanon said:

Thanks, @Dawningand @Marlow1

 

It is food for thought. When things go well, he's perfect. Episodes like the one a few days ago are relatively rare. (Edit: He already has to keep an eye on sugar intake, because he has problems with blood sugar levels getting high on occasion, but with his sweet tooth, he does slip often)

 

I suppose we all have our ugly sides. I do too. I can be extremely hostile to ideas and people I dislike - particularly thoughtless majoritarian views that excuse marginalization of people, promotion of superstition and prejudice or plain illogic - most people will be tactful and at least not outright rude. I cut it down and leave an awkward silence. It doesn't bother me. There are plenty of nice people in the world to converse with who will be pleasant no matter how repugnant or idiotic the conversation. I don't have to be one.

 

At least he is hostile when he can't help it. I can't even claim that. I make an art form out of hostile. He has never so much as blinked about it though he finds social discord very difficult (Avoidant personality disorder). He believes in me and supports my autonomy absolutely - whether convenient or not.

 

I am not making excuses for him. I have lines that I won't cross even for love. Like telling him that if he walks out of my bedroom in anger after flinging accusations, he can stay out till I invite him back - IF I invite him back - he can't count on it. My room isn't a stage for him to hold tantrums and hurt me on whim. Any deliberate hostility in a loving relationship will absolutely not be accepted. Love or go. No punching bags here.

 

But I find it difficult to reject him over something he can't help. His tantrums are more like him striking out in a blind panic than any thoughtful action. Feels like I'd be rejecting someone for being disabled or something. Sometimes it is hard not to be hurt when it sounds like he doesn't get the most basic things about me.

 

It isn't an easy balance. I confess I have often thought of ending it. Particularly while he is being difficult. But somehow, once the episode passes, I find myself liking him again. Only plus side is that as he feels more and more secure in our relationship, these sort of episodes are decreasing dramatically.

Disclaimer, again! I have no proof at all that any of the treatments I promote here even work, and I am not a doctor and so cannot diagnose or advise. Even supplements can have side effects so if anybody is interested in anything I say they should consult their own doctor for advice

 

My partner and I have a third party to help us along, a relationship therapist, and whilst in therapy we have met many couples facing relationship difficulties. None of these couples are anything like us two with the Aphantasia, Demisexual stuff and my partner with the Hypersexual, Hyper Mindseye, PTSD and so on. We are literally one on our own. But still it is beneficial to speak to different people facing different challenges relating to their sexual and romantic lives, which we have done so many times and learned a great deal from it. I must tell you the grass is not always greener, these guys can have just as many problems as we have, but like us the challenge is not in winning the day as to which one of us as a couple is right or wrong, the challenge is winning this battle together, husband and wife winning as one unit, in recovery. And as I have said many times before, this is happening for us!!!

 

The outside world got in on our relationship, I have already mentioned the media, but there was other stuff too. False religion for one, that literally had my partner paralysed with guilt about the hypersexual thoughts she was having. Folk were telling her what your partner does cannot lead to this, they were wrong!!! 

 

She was really trapped in this and with nobody with any sense to talk to about it, the Hypersexuality and intrusive thoughts escalated out of control, and she became debilitated. 

 

She is now working a more spiritual program and this has helped her enormously. I will explain this more in the future, if I can, but my point is it is not just simply me and her, what she thinks and feels, what I think and feel, societies influences on all this can add to the burden too!

 

There is our families too. Both my wife and I are very loving caring people. All the ace stuff that set in after my brain hemhorrage was making my wife ill, but because it was 'just sex' my wife whom was embarrassed and hurt at the time tried not to think about it and sacrificed her needs, and blocked it out so that she could continue plodding forward taking care of the family and so on. It was all too much for her and the high levels  of stress led to her having some kind of breakdown, and exasperated the hypersexual problems and so on

 

At the same time, I did not understand the harm that was being caused to my wife with my lack of attraction and lack of effort regarding out sexual relationship. My point here is this, if sex is important to one or both partners, it is important to the relationship in general, and making space, finding time and putting the effort in to recover from both parties is essential.

 

In our home our recovery from all this is the most important thing over everything else, including the family, finances, our grown up kids, everything!!!  Our relationship is too valuable,,,,,,both of us have to 'do what it takes!'

 

Now I know libido is not attraction but if my wife needs the sex (my wife needs sex three or more times per week) then improving or maintaining my libido is important.

 

I mentioned earlier how sugar and junk food can play havoc on the brain, exasperating Autistic (GAPS Spectrum) symptoms, but it plays havoc on libido too. The body and mind both need optimal levels of nutrition to function correctly and us folk in the West we are not eating correctly and it is making us all ill.

 

I can and do make love to my wife at least three times a week, but at 63 years old, and with the brain hemhorrage problems, and all the other stuff that I have going on, for me this takes some doing LOL

 

I take DHEA, but I also do many of these other things that Mark Scissons (Nutritional Expert) is explaining here

 

https://www.marksdailyapple.com/a-guide-to-maintaining-a-healthy-sex-drive/

 

In the early days my partner and I were far too focused on each other's faults. She complained that I lacked desire, and was not providing the attention she needed. I complained that she did not explain herself correctly and that her demands sexually were too much.

 

Long story short, we both had to stop being naive and thinking that all sexuals have terrific sex lives, they don't!!! The sexual folk that do have great sex lives  are 'investing', they are constantly taking care of their bodies, their libidos, their romantic relationship and so on. It is literally a full time job and feeling not well or just off balanced, and not being able to perform, or be pleasant to the level we ought to be, because we love the taste of carbs/processed foods is not a fair excuse, nor fair on our partner, regardless of orientation. 

 

People cannot perform well sexually when they are neglecting their bodies and minds in this way, and this is the case for sexuals and asexuals alike.

 

Folk in the West are not having the level of sex that they were having just a decade or two ago, and this is across the board. People are less healthy, they are less interested, poor nutrition is not  the only reason and I will share regarding this if you like, but we cannot afford to neglect our bodies and minds with this unstable blood sugar thing,  and we cannot afford to neglect our wives!!! The mood things stop with good nutrition, the libido improves, and every single aspect of our lives can improve when we feel healthy!

 

I am telling you about this, the DHEA and other nutritional aspects because you and your partner have both been an inspiration for me and my wife. We have been following you guys for a long time. I know that there are a zillion difficulties when a person is on the GAPs/Autism Spectrum and also on the Asexual Spectrum, and that the problems perpetuate each other, but this what I am telling you about the correct nutrition is massive. Getting rid upto 50% of the symptoms, is what folk on these programs are reporting, some even more than 50%, but what ever the level of physical recovery, I have to tell you, the mental and emotional recovery follows. And like I have said, my wife needs a lot of sex, and I could not give this to her if I was not eating correctly and taking care of my body as I should

 

I mentioned the three times a week or more. This is true, but sex is not just the physical act. It begins much earlier in the day and continues for a long time afterwards, and it includes all the emotional, mental, psychological needs of each person. Getting the nutrition correct helps enormously, and I would say it is the most important thing since it stops many of the brain problems, emotional problems, psychological problems and enhances the libido too. 

 

But in addition to this we are doing a tonne of other things too, that I will try to share about another time. I am mentioning this too, because I know you and your guy stand a chance, I can tell by your shares, and it is clear from the things you say you are already putting a tonne of effort in, it is time for you to be reaping the rewards.  You deserve the best, both of you!!!

 

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16 hours ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

@Marlow1 Thanks for sharing! Your reply may definitedly help me to get through some of my (similiar) demisexual - ace relationship issues.

I am not sure if it is the Aphantasia that you are referring to but if it is this thread too might be of interest to you

 

 

There are lots of threads on the AVEN board where we are discussing how the Aphantasia affects our attraction and other things. If you do a search for Aphantasia in the search box you may well find other information that is of use to you. I have a few links on my profile too

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18 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Thanks, @Dawningand @Marlow1

 

It is food for thought. When things go well, he's perfect. Episodes like the one a few days ago are relatively rare. (Edit: He already has to keep an eye on sugar intake, because he has problems with blood sugar levels getting high on occasion, but with his sweet tooth, he does slip often)

 

I suppose we all have our ugly sides. I do too. I can be extremely hostile to ideas and people I dislike - particularly thoughtless majoritarian views that excuse marginalization of people, promotion of superstition and prejudice or plain illogic - most people will be tactful and at least not outright rude. I cut it down and leave an awkward silence. It doesn't bother me. There are plenty of nice people in the world to converse with who will be pleasant no matter how repugnant or idiotic the conversation. I don't have to be one.

 

At least he is hostile when he can't help it. I can't even claim that. I make an art form out of hostile. He has never so much as blinked about it though he finds social discord very difficult (Avoidant personality disorder). He believes in me and supports my autonomy absolutely - whether convenient or not.

 

I am not making excuses for him. I have lines that I won't cross even for love. Like telling him that if he walks out of my bedroom in anger after flinging accusations, he can stay out till I invite him back - IF I invite him back - he can't count on it. My room isn't a stage for him to hold tantrums and hurt me on whim. Any deliberate hostility in a loving relationship will absolutely not be accepted. Love or go. No punching bags here.

 

But I find it difficult to reject him over something he can't help. His tantrums are more like him striking out in a blind panic than any thoughtful action. Feels like I'd be rejecting someone for being disabled or something. Sometimes it is hard not to be hurt when it sounds like he doesn't get the most basic things about me.

 

It isn't an easy balance. I confess I have often thought of ending it. Particularly while he is being difficult. But somehow, once the episode passes, I find myself liking him again. Only plus side is that as he feels more and more secure in our relationship, these sort of episodes are decreasing dramatically.

If the relationship is worth it to you overall, then that's what counts! It doesn't matter what anybody else says or thinks. Some people do make it work with a BPD person, and there's no reason why you can't be one of those people! The one warning I would give; sometimes, a BPD person will escalate from rage that they can't help to violence that they can't help. Please make sure he realizes that if he ever raises a hand to you, even ONE time, that will be the absolute end with no possibility of returning!

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2 hours ago, Dawning said:

Please make sure he realizes that if he ever raises a hand to you, even ONE time, that will be the absolute end with no possibility of returning!

He knows that!

 

For that matter, anyone who knows me knows that. I'm a fairly powerful individual - in the sense of personal power, confidence, etc. There is absolutely no question of hitting me or for that matter, any deliberate harm - even emotional abuse. I'll take a clot of crap from someone who is helpless before their own mind. I won't take any deliberate actions against me having any recognition whatsoever in any space I am in. And my home and bedroom and intimate relationships would be the pinnacle of such spaces. Not to mention I have a very vulnerable and disabled child. Physical violence is not on the table. He doesn't have to hit me even, if I think he can't control himself to the point he'll lash out physically at anyone, anything (say punching a wall in anger), I'm not going to wait for him to tip over and actually hit me. This crap has no space in a loving home.

 

So far, he has not seemed the type at all. For that matter, he agrees on this. He dislikes physical violence himself.

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On September 7, 2018 at 10:56 AM, Marlow1 said:

Yes, certain folk just can't even believe in the Demisexuality, but fortunately some do and so I can discuss this to some extent, but me not being attracted to pornography, that one is much harder for folk to believe, I guess the media has convinced society that all men enjoy it. I know that it is the Aphantasia, I just can't explain it much beyond that

 

I do struggle to follow all films, and I forget them quickly. I can watch a film over and over and still not recall it well. This has been an advantage lately, the watching them over and over, I mean.

 

My partner is really fussy about movies and ironically would prefer to watch the same movies over and over. She is particularly fond of musicals, romance stories and Disney. She sees these films as escapism. As I have mentioned elsewhere we are working on my English Literature. We have read in a few places  that children with Aphantasia do not tend to do well at school at this subject.

 

Over the last couple of years my partner and I have put together a large collection of movies that remind us of ourselves and our relationship. She tells me that many of her fantasies are romantic and that they run in her head rather like the movies we now watch. This insight has helped me understand her better. I have always been quit romantic in my own way but sharing the fun and joy of these movies and learning a new skill, identifying with the characters,  has definitely helped me with the romantic communication.

 

I think maybe because when I was a child nobody ever showed me how to identify with films or stories, I missed out on some of the skills generally needed to communicate my feelings in real life. We both are definitely communicating better doing this. And the biggest joy for my partner is knowing that I can now follow thee particular movies, if anything does happen to her I will have reference material to refer to that will remind me of her

 

My brother that has the Aphantasia told my partner a while back that his girlfriend helps him to 'switch on' and that when she was around she reminded so much of the things he wants and needs in his life and without her he struggled to muster up thought of romance and other intimate stuff. Hearing this is what prompted my wife into considering this movies about ourselves thing as a compensatory tool other than just her helping me think more that way too

 

As well as romance, the films we watch are often ironic and they bring a bit of comedy into our real life situations that were kind of bitter before we realised what was going on. The latest film we have been watching is called '50 First Dates'. It is about a woman that has had a brain injury that forces her to live in the present. The guy loves her so much and ends up doing many of the things that my wife has done for me to help me understand our life together, scrap book, videos, subtitles and so on.

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ErjP5xMTc8I

 

We watched this last night. And although it was the woman that had the injury and the man that was in the role that my wife has been in, I could still identify. I don't think I could have done this two years ago. And one funny thing in the film that reminded me of my wife and me was the way the woman with the brain injury kept referring to each kiss as their first kiss. I think I posted here recently that when we make love it seems like the first time every time for me. My wife and I both chuckled at that one

 

Oh Sherlock Holmes, oh Sherlock Holmes, a massive fan here. I will have to look up the version staring Benedict Cumberbatch, I will have to check that one out

I think your movie therapy may be unique, but it works so well for you that maybe other couples will start adopting it! Totally aside from the psychological benefits you get from it, it means that you're spending a lot of quality time together, which is awesome!

 

Sherlock is a BRITISH series, I'm amazed that you never heard or read anything about it! In any case, they did a wonderful job on it, and I'm sure that you will enjoy it!

 

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11 hours ago, Dawning said:

I think your movie therapy may be unique, but it works so well for you that maybe other couples will start adopting it! Totally aside from the psychological benefits you get from it, it means that you're spending a lot of quality time together, which is awesome!

 

Sherlock is a BRITISH series, I'm amazed that you never heard or read anything about it! In any case, they did a wonderful job on it, and I'm sure that you will enjoy it!

 

LOL, I had no idea the series was British, this must show you how oblivious to things I can be

 

I have just found the trailer on youtube. I have to say it looks pretty fantastic

 

 

Without a TV system though, I am going to have to buy it on DVD. I will ask my wife to sort this when she comes in

 

Yes, you are correct, I do think this watching movies about ourselves is a bit of a unique thing to us but it is helping with the Aphantasia, the lack of Autobiographical Memory, the romance side of things, and the relationship thing in general. I really would recommend it to anybody that has Aphantasia. It has helped me get more into the world of English Literature and as we store these DVDs it means that in the future I will have cues for memories etc

 

More folk are sending me PMs lately, asking about the recovery programs I am on. Really I need to outline all this on my profile.

 

Right now the Keto GAPs protocol (Plus certain supplements, including DHEA) is the main thing helping. Without it I cannot walk or speak at all. My memory goes terrible and I loose my attraction to my wife and so on. But on the protocol I am doing well, and my wife is happy with my recovery, even though I still don't get flirting LOL..... There has been another incident over the weekend. I will share about this at another time. She is fine right now???

 

Anyway, the GAPs protocol is helping the most

 

I am not achieving much with the image streaming but a lot of folk that have Aphantasia are so I am plodding on with that.

 

The eye exercises have not brought forth phantasia but they are helping with brain function, I am sure of that

 

Following the posts here and reading up on Asexuality/Demisexuality is providing a language so that my partner and I can communicate. Before coming here we were both using the same words, but because we were both coming from completely different directions those words had different meanings. We now communicate far far better than we ever did before

 

The movies have brought in a lot of joy, and are definitely helping both of us understand our relationship better and so we are definitely continuing with that

 

There is more but this is getting to be a long post again, so I won't warble. When I get a few spare minutes, I will write down everything we are doing on my profile. It is just difficult to find the time

 

Bye for now!

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16 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

Without a TV system though, I am going to have to buy it on DVD. I will ask my wife to sort this when she comes in

Do you have a laptop and internet connection? I could send you a PM with the website that I watch the show on if you like, every episode in 1080p (though you can choose 480 if your internet is slow!). I'm slightly obsessed with Sherlock and was just watching an episode when I paused and happened to click this thread, haha

 

16 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

I am not achieving much with the image streaming but a lot of folk that have Aphantasia are so I am plodding on with that.

I stopped the image streaming for ages, but I've started again and weird things have started happening in my brain that I can't really put my finger on. All I see is black in front of my eyes, but I still can't quite understand if I'm meant to be looking at the black in front of them.. or like, at the impressions behind them?? My aim is fully immersible virtual reality, but for now even a splodge of colour would be good .. if I could just work out where I'm meant to be looking Y_Y

 

 

Have you watched this video? (I may have linked it to you in the past). This man could see literally nothing at all, just blackness, and trained himself to see vivid images that he can move through and explore different angles of them etc. I'm getting into practicing this properly again but urgh, like I said, it's difficult when I'm not even sure if I'm meant to be looking in front of my eyes or..behind them.. somehow?

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17 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

LOL, I had no idea the series was British, this must show you how oblivious to things I can be

 

I have just found the trailer on youtube. I have to say it looks pretty fantastic

 

Without a TV system though, I am going to have to buy it on DVD. I will ask my wife to sort this when she comes in

 

Yes, you are correct, I do think this watching movies about ourselves is a bit of a unique thing to us but it is helping with the Aphantasia, the lack of Autobiographical Memory, the romance side of things, and the relationship thing in general. I really would recommend it to anybody that has Aphantasia. It has helped me get more into the world of English Literature and as we store these DVDs it means that in the future I will have cues for memories etc

 

More folk are sending me PMs lately, asking about the recovery programs I am on. Really I need to outline all this on my profile.

 

Right now the Keto GAPs protocol (Plus certain supplements, including DHEA) is the main thing helping. Without it I cannot walk or speak at all. My memory goes terrible and I loose my attraction to my wife and so on. But on the protocol I am doing well, and my wife is happy with my recovery, even though I still don't get flirting LOL..... There has been another incident over the weekend. I will share about this at another time. She is fine right now???

 

Anyway, the GAPs protocol is helping the most

 

I am not achieving much with the image streaming but a lot of folk that have Aphantasia are so I am plodding on with that.

 

The eye exercises have not brought forth phantasia but they are helping with brain function, I am sure of that

 

Following the posts here and reading up on Asexuality/Demisexuality is providing a language so that my partner and I can communicate. Before coming here we were both using the same words, but because we were both coming from completely different directions those words had different meanings. We now communicate far far better than we ever did before

 

The movies have brought in a lot of joy, and are definitely helping both of us understand our relationship better and so we are definitely continuing with that

 

There is more but this is getting to be a long post again, so I won't warble. When I get a few spare minutes, I will write down everything we are doing on my profile. It is just difficult to find the time

 

Bye for now!

It's pretty funny that I'm having to tell a British man about a British show about a famous British character, LOL! This is another interesting thing that we have in common; I've loved Sherlock Holmes my entire life, both the original stories and the various adaptations thereof, going all the way back to Basil Rathbone as Holmes!  Trust me when I say, this series is actually even better than the trailer would lead you to believe; the trailer doesn't show any of the humor and cleverness that makes every episode such a delight.

 

You keep right on eating whatever you need to eat and doing whatever you need to do to function as best as you can! Don't give up with the image streaming, breakthroughs can happen at any time!

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24 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Also, I'm liking how many AVEN threads are turning into completely off topic conversations about Sherlock Holmes :P

All because of a certain user who's nick starts with "Fic" and ends with "toVore". :P

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1 hour ago, FictoVore. said:

Do you have a laptop and internet connection? I could send you a PM with the website that I watch the show on if you like, every episode in 1080p (though you can choose 480 if your internet is slow!). I'm slightly obsessed with Sherlock and was just watching an episode when I paused and happened to click this thread, haha

 

I stopped the image streaming for ages, but I've started again and weird things have started happening in my brain that I can't really put my finger on. All I see is black in front of my eyes, but I still can't quite understand if I'm meant to be looking at the black in front of them.. or like, at the impressions behind them?? My aim is fully immersible virtual reality, but for now even a splodge of colour would be good .. if I could just work out where I'm meant to be looking Y_Y

 

Have you watched this video? (I may have linked it to you in the past). This man could see literally nothing at all, just blackness, and trained himself to see vivid images that he can move through and explore different angles of them etc. I'm getting into practicing this properly again but urgh, like I said, it's difficult when I'm not even sure if I'm meant to be looking in front of my eyes or..behind them.. somehow?

That wasn't directed at me, but I'd love to have the URL for that website as well, if it's available to Americans! I'm always ready to binge-watched some Sherlock!

 

I've been doing image streaming based on the exact video that you posted for the past couple of months. Something about the way he talks remind me of Moriarty, without the crazy of course. I HAVE had some improvement in seeing images, but most of what I see is the equivalent of seeing shapes in clouds; seeing an actual clear image is something that happens rarely for a split-second, and it's usually something weird. I have no clue about being able to see images in multiple different ways with your eyes closed; I personally wouldn't care where I was seeing the images as long as I was seeing them! I don't think you have to look any particular place, just close your eyes and see whatever is there. Have you tried dazzling your eyes with something like a flashlight, then closing them and describing the afterimages? That's what all my viewing is based on.

 

 

18 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Did you watch the Jeremy Irons Sherlock TV series? Me and my brother used to love that when we were little ^_^

No, I've never seen that one! I have limited access to British programming, although I do have more recently, now that we have BBC America, except I think that's mostly more modern stuff. I'm a lifelong fan of Benny Hill and Are You Being Served, though!

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29 minutes ago, Dawning said:

Have you tried dazzling your eyes with something like a flashlight, then closing them and describing the afterimages? That's what all my viewing is based on.

I need to get more serious about this so while I haven't actually done the dazzling thing yet, I am going to start. I get super confused because while I look in front of my eyes, things bombard me from behind my eyes but they're not actual images, just like an impression of a face (guess whose face haha, his name starts with S.. okay sorry I'm being silly now), or like a forest or a stream or a castle or whatever. But they're more like, sensations, echoes.. spatial awareness with no visible substance.. So I instantly get confused: Do I describe these impressions in detail and risk making the wrong part of my brain stronger (like some non-visual part?) or do I ignore them and continue to do it with what's in front of my eyes Y_Y so complicated, haha.

 

Do you do your descriptions outloud into a recorder, or just say them outloud to your room? I read in Win Wenger's book that doing it outloud with another person is the most effective way because you try much harder to make the other person understand what you're seeing - it engages more of your brain apparently? But alas I have no friends haha so I just describe my sessions outloud to my room.

 

40 minutes ago, Dawning said:

That wasn't directed at me, but I'd love to have the URL for that website as well, if it's available to Americans! I'm always ready to binge-watched some Sherlock!

I sent you a PM :)

 

40 minutes ago, Mysticus Insanus said:

All because of a certain user who's nick starts with "Fic" and ends with "toVore". :P

Hah I didn't start it this time though! I'm glad to see that the derailing threads with Sherlock talk is catching on :lol:

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23 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Marlow

 

Have you tried getting Sherlock on iPlayer on a tablet/laptop?

Thank you Telecaster68. Right now my access to the Internet is very limited, but this is about to change and I may soon be able to access iplayer and such. When my wife returned home I told her a second time about Sherlock, she ordered it on DVD from Ebay and so it should be here soon. I don't know if we will be able to add this to our film therapy list or not, but this focusing on certain films and watching them over and over is definately helping me with my recovery. I appreciate any recommendations you guys have that might help my partner find films we can identify with!!!

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9 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Do you have a laptop and internet connection? I could send you a PM with the website that I watch the show on if you like, every episode in 1080p (though you can choose 480 if your internet is slow!). I'm slightly obsessed with Sherlock and was just watching an episode when I paused and happened to click this thread, haha

 

I stopped the image streaming for ages, but I've started again and weird things have started happening in my brain that I can't really put my finger on. All I see is black in front of my eyes, but I still can't quite understand if I'm meant to be looking at the black in front of them.. or like, at the impressions behind them?? My aim is fully immersible virtual reality, but for now even a splodge of colour would be good .. if I could just work out where I'm meant to be looking Y_Y

 

 

Have you watched this video? (I may have linked it to you in the past). This man could see literally nothing at all, just blackness, and trained himself to see vivid images that he can move through and explore different angles of them etc. I'm getting into practicing this properly again but urgh, like I said, it's difficult when I'm not even sure if I'm meant to be looking in front of my eyes or..behind them.. somehow?

Thank you again for reminding us of this, since you last posted it I have passed it on to many people that have Aphantasia

 

My brother (He has Total Aphantasia, all the senses missing in the minds eye like me) uses the image streaming. Like me he also uses Keto-GAPs

 

 

He does not have the level of brain damage that I have (I had a brain hemhorrage too) using both the image streaming and the Keto-Gaps he is now getting images. This is the first time ever in his life, he is aged 56 years old. The images are limited in the sense he can only see the same things over and over. They are not like videos, they are more like stills, but they are clear and realistic. I am getting no images, nor any other senses, but regardless my brain function is massively improved using the Keto-GAPs

 

I have been meaning to ask you for some time are you getting the voice, the narrators voice that folk speak to in their head. I don't get this either?????

 

Nope, no laptop, and my internet access is very limited, but this may change soon. Can you send me the link anyway for Jeremy Irons as Sherlock Holmes. Jeremy Irons is one of my wife's favourite actors. She says his voice and manner are the same as mine LOL

 

Also, you might be interested in this. It is another thread that is alive at the minute, folk here are discussing Aphantasia and other such stuff too

 

 

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On September 11, 2018 at 3:24 AM, FictoVore. said:

I need to get more serious about this so while I haven't actually done the dazzling thing yet, I am going to start. I get super confused because while I look in front of my eyes, things bombard me from behind my eyes but they're not actual images, just like an impression of a face (guess whose face haha, his name starts with S.. okay sorry I'm being silly now), or like a forest or a stream or a castle or whatever. But they're more like, sensations, echoes.. spatial awareness with no visible substance.. So I instantly get confused: Do I describe these impressions in detail and risk making the wrong part of my brain stronger (like some non-visual part?) or do I ignore them and continue to do it with what's in front of my eyes Y_Y so complicated, haha.

 

Do you do your descriptions outloud into a recorder, or just say them outloud to your room? I read in Win Wenger's book that doing it outloud with another person is the most effective way because you try much harder to make the other person understand what you're seeing - it engages more of your brain apparently? But alas I have no friends haha so I just describe my sessions outloud to my room.

If you can see ANYTHING readily identifiable with your eyes closed, that puts you way ahead of me, and probably not in the category of total aphantasia. The point of image streaming is to see more than you can currently see, and you have to start with whatever it is you're already seeing, so I'd definitely go with the forest or stream or castle. I don't understand seeing in different areas with your eyes closed, what little I see I could not tell you a location for. I record all of my sessions because it's supposed to be beneficial to have that focus. I also listen to the recordings afterwards and write down the things that I saw, so that I can easily see patterns in progress. If you want to meet up on Skype or some other voice chat, we could try doing sessions listening to each other and see if that helps. :)

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