Adam Taurus

What is real sexual attraction like?

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Adam Taurus

Now that I know I am asexual I am reevaluating what I thought was sexual attraction and realizing that it was certainly a combination of emotional attachment and aesthetic attraction that I had mistaken given that I never experienced the real thing. I had always thought that descriptions of wanting to tear off a persons clothes had to be rather overblown but is this really what it's like? I guess this is a question directed at any light grey members, demisexuals ,or those not on the ace spectrum. How does sexual attraction feel compared to aesthetic attraction?

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Moon Spirit ☽

I'm a non-libidoist but a sexual I know gave me the best, least vague answer I've heard. He said it feels like you are magnetized to the person you are attracted to and you feel like pouncing on them. The wanting to tear off clothing thing sounds right, too. Sexuality is very animalistic.

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Noseboop

A lot of people like to use a food analogy: if libido is equated to a general hunger, then sexual attraction is like a craving for a specific food. It's more than just a general desire to have sex, it's someone's physical and/or emotional characteristics directing and channelling one's libido towards them. For me personally (as an allosexual), 'wanting to tear their clothes off' sounds a bit too forward and aggressive, as I'd only think that if I was certain that the person I'm sexually attracted to was consenting and reciprocally interested. But yes the magnetised phrasing is reasonable. It's frustrating that we have so few words other words to describe it, likely because for so long in the evolution of the English language, people have assumed that everyone can relate, which for asexual folk is clearly not the case... I suspect the taboo placed on sexuality from the 18th and 19th century really didn't help either. I'd be interested to learn if other languages have words that are able to describe more precisely what sexual attraction is like? 

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Noseboop

Comparatively, aesthetic attraction is more similar to the attraction we have to a piece of art. An object, an image or indeed a person may have geometry and relative proportions that are satisfying to look at (based on how our brains have evolved to appreciate symmetry, or sometimes deviation from expected symmetry). However, for aesthetic attraction, that appearance does not trigger the mind to direct any libido towards the object/image/person.

 

I hope that makes some sense and doesn't read too much like a textbook! This is my understanding of the difference from an allosexual viewpoint, so it's not the definitive answer by any means... 

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FictoVore.

For me, it's a general desire to connect sexually with someone, but it can only happen once I've developed a specific kind of emotion towards them. I don't really have a 'type', as appearance or even personality doesn't seem to really factor into whether I develop this feeling or not. A most recent example for me is an actor who I have seen in movies for years now and while I respect him as an actor, I have never been drawn to him physically in any way and actually thought "he's not the type of guy I could ever fall for, I can't see him as even aesthetically attractive let alone anything more" many times, hah. It was like looking at cardboard or a telephone or something for me, when I looked at him. No feelings at all in any way. But recently, completely out of the blue, I developed those feelings for him and now very suddenly he's become beautiful to me, after *years* of him being just another (particularly odd, I always thought) face in a crowd of other actors on screen. But now to my surprise I love to see his body and face, I love to hear his voice, and I am definitely thinking about him in a sexual way multiple times a day, lol. I admit I have had a lot of sexual fantasies about him since developing these emotions, and in another world, if I had a different body, I would definitely want to actually have sex with him under the right circumstances :P

 

So yeah, that's sexual attraction for me (and I'm not the only one who experiences it like this!!). It's not about seeing someone hot and wanting to jump them for people like me, it's about developing a specific kind of emotion that makes one able to desire sex with a specific person. Sexual attraction is experienced in so many different ways by so many different people though, but at its core it's a desire to connect on a sexual level with someone else for whatever reason: That's really the one defining factor in sexual attraction, regardless of all the other factors that go into creating that desire for any particular individual :)

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Marlow1
8 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

For me, it's a general desire to connect sexually with someone, but it can only happen once I've developed a specific kind of emotion towards them. I don't really have a 'type', as appearance or even personality doesn't seem to really factor into whether I develop this feeling or not. A most recent example for me is an actor who I have seen in movies for years now and while I respect him as an actor, I have never been drawn to him physically in any way and actually thought "he's not the type of guy I could ever fall for, I can't see him as even aesthetically attractive let alone anything more" many times, hah. It was like looking at cardboard or a telephone or something for me, when I looked at him. No feelings at all in any way. But recently, completely out of the blue, I developed those feelings for him and now very suddenly he's become beautiful to me, after *years* of him being just another (particularly odd, I always thought) face in a crowd of other actors on screen. But now to my surprise I love to see his body and face, I love to hear his voice, and I am definitely thinking about him in a sexual way multiple times a day, lol. I admit I have had a lot of sexual fantasies about him since developing these emotions, and in another world, if I had a different body, I would definitely want to actually have sex with him under the right circumstances :P

 

So yeah, that's sexual attraction for me (and I'm not the only one who experiences it like this!!). It's not about seeing someone hot and wanting to jump them for people like me, it's about developing a specific kind of emotion that makes one able to desire sex with a specific person. Sexual attraction is experienced in so many different ways by so many different people though, but at its core it's a desire to connect on a sexual level with someone else for whatever reason: That's really the one defining factor in sexual attraction, regardless of all the other factors that go into creating that desire for any particular individual :)

I have only experienced this with one person but what you are describing here sounds much the same as how sexual attraction happens for me

 

just looking at folk, that just will not do it, and I too do not have a type that I want to look at, and not a specific personality type either.

 

It is many factors, all together, and specific circumstances too. It has been as if all the different aspects needed to be pulled together, overtime, to eventually create the complexed concept that I am now finally attracted to.  The way I explain it in everyday life is that I am attracted to the whole person, but even this statement does not truely explain it

 

When I am under severe stress I can loose this attraction and it feels like the whole world is a blank. To rekindle it I need a lot of positive experiences with my partner, and as this develops it is as if my mind suddenly remembers, first the romantic love, then the sexual attraction

 

i don't know if what I am saying makes sense, but I just wanted you to know that your description has been helpful

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CBC

I'm not asexual but I'm also not someone who really experiences any genuine desire for sex with someone unless I'm really in love with them. Keeping that in mind then, the best I've got is something paraphrased from perhaps the only person I've really felt that way about. To me, it has a really intense feeling of "I want to crawl inside your soul". I'm not sure how I feel about the word 'soul' and I'm not sure if that sounds weird or... whatever... but that's the best I've got and it works for me. It feels like wanting to experience every possible aspect of someone else in an almost primal, cellular-level sort of way. Be closer to them than is really even technically possible. Be one.

 

"Oh god, fuck me now please" also works. 😛

 

If you're just talking about "Oh that person is hot", then that's just filed under aesthetic attraction to me. Has nothing to do with wanting sex really.

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Serran

For me it is a feeling of wanting to experience sexual acts with someone. We start to cuddle, kiss, play, etc and it goes from this is innocent play to heart quickens, feelings change a bit and I become aroused. Then, progressing becomes a nice idea. 

 

I also see my partner and find them "hot" but it isnt really a sexual feeling then. Its just mmm they look nice. Unless I am already interested in more.

 

And this has only happened with one person in 30 years. I cannot experience it with others. I cannot get into the idea of porn or anything either, cause they are not who I want. 

 

And if things dont go further I dont mind. 

 

I wouldnt say omg I want to rip your clothes off. Though, taking them off can be fun. 

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FictoVore.
9 hours ago, CBC said:

It feels like wanting to experience every possible aspect of someone else in an almost primal, cellular-level sort of way. Be closer to them than is really even technically possible. Be one.

I get the same thing, but it manifests as a feeling of wanting to consume that person. It literally feels like a type of hunger (an emptiness inside that needs to be filled), where I want them to literally be a part of me, inside me, in my genes. That's actually why I ended up with the word Vore in my name haha, a desire to consume another being alive. But it's not like cannibalism, it's a desire to metaphorically consume the essence, the genetics, the very soul of the other person - be one in a way that is closer than physically possible. Like you said: wanting to experience every possible aspect of that person. :ph34r:

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CBC

@FictoVore. Yeah that sounds about right, other than I think I personally wouldn't use the word 'consume' for my own feelings, because for whatever reason my brain can't disassociate it with literal eating, and thus cannibalism and like... weird fetish stuff, haha. Like that dude somewhere in Europe who wanted to eat someone and put an ad out and some other guy took him up on it and got eaten and so... yeahhhh. Blech. That is very much NOT what I experience hahaha. But yes, metaphorically it works. "I want to be part of you" sums it up pretty well, I think.

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FictoVore.
6 hours ago, CBC said:

@FictoVore. Yeah that sounds about right, other than I think I personally wouldn't use the word 'consume' for my own feelings, because for whatever reason my brain can't disassociate it with literal eating, and thus cannibalism and like... weird fetish stuff, haha. Like that dude somewhere in Europe who wanted to eat someone and put an ad out and some other guy took him up on it and got eaten and so... yeahhhh. Blech. That is very much NOT what I experience hahaha. But yes, metaphorically it works. "I want to be part of you" sums it up pretty well, I think.

What I have borders on a cannibalism fetish (cannibalism of essence, genetic material - so the material of the other integrates into one's own cells) but that's probably getting too graphic for AVEN ahaha so we'll leave it at that :P

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Salmiakki
12 hours ago, Serran said:

For me it is a feeling of wanting to experience sexual acts with someone. We start to cuddle, kiss, play, etc and it goes from this is innocent play to heart quickens, feelings change a bit and I become aroused. Then, progressing becomes a nice idea. 

 

I also see my partner and find them "hot" but it isnt really a sexual feeling then. Its just mmm they look nice. Unless I am already interested in more.

 

And this has only happened with one person in 30 years. I cannot experience it with others. I cannot get into the idea of porn or anything either, cause they are not who I want. 

 

And if things dont go further I dont mind. 

 

I wouldnt say omg I want to rip your clothes off. Though, taking them off can be fun. 

Meanwhile I can get aroused by just looking at him, doing nothing... I guess I have been hit by a massive amount of late teenage hormones lol

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CBC
3 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

What I have borders on a cannibalism fetish (cannibalism of essence, genetic material - so the material of the other integrates into one's own cells) but that's probably getting too graphic for AVEN ahaha so we'll leave it at that :P

Probably a wise choice. :P

 

Although I do love a good TMI thread now and then. :ph34r: Not sure the majority of the population hereabouts agrees though, for understandable and obvious reasons.

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Anthracite_Impreza
On 8/18/2018 at 1:43 PM, FictoVore. said:

cannibalism of essence, genetic material - so the material of the other integrates into one's own cells

You have a fetish for horizontal gene transfer? How very scientist of you ;)

 

Oh yes, I read this shit but you'll never know about it cos I'm a ninja...

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Marlow1

This thread has evoked me to think more deeply about my own sexual attraction compared to my partners. I won't warble about all that here, I have shared plenty about this in the past,  but this idea about it not being just a persons look, personality or type etc, and instead more being the context of the situation and then, perhaps, that these other elements and more, that enable the sexual attraction, has had me thinking a fair bit more about this

 

It seems there is not much research regarding the context of the situation leading to attraction but into case I know for certain is was and still is

 

It was in part the fact that my brother is married to my now partners best friend and the comfortableness both my partner and I felt within this ' context' that gave the broad context I needed to really get to know her deeply before the attraction occurred. And it still is the context of our life together, even though that has changed a lot since those days, that provides the foundation, and provides the safety element, I guess, that keeps us together,  and kind of works as a blanket that surrounds us. That in turn makes the sexual and romantic attraction possible

 

Right now I am having some trouble explaining what I mean  but this article here sheds some light on how the situation can influence the attraction, at least in the early days

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction

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Lynnette

I'd consider myself Demi, halfway between sexual and asexual but more actually toward asexual. I can see why people would think someone is hot or sexy because there's an aesthetic that appeals or a standard of beauty met. But I always imagined that the tear-our-clothes-off part of sexual attraction portrayed in media and in writing was flowery over-the-top exaggeration. Fun to read, sometimes fun to watch, but not reality.

 

But really the only person I've felt pulled toward (and I guess it would sort of be a magnetism) to do anything sexual with is the partner I'm with. And that's less, I want to have sex with you, and more I really like all your parts, and WHY IS YOUR FACE SO BEAUTIFUL. I'm honestly not 100% certain that counts as sexual attraction, but I've never felt it for anyone else.  🤷‍♀️

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