JoyEngland Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 I'm 50+ and have been asexual all my life; though didn't know it was called this until last year. I always thought of myself as a freak and/or misfit - though have always been happy with it and content in myself for being different/unique after I'd come to terms with it after a few years in my youth wondering why I wasn't like everyone else in my inner being (i.e. having no desire to go out lusting and fornicating for 'pleasure' like my friends). But I still do wonder why it is that there seems to be a divide in the human race - on one side those who pursue their lust for sex with anyone who'll have them, and on the other side there are us who either feel no desire to go out hunting for sexual partners (or perhaps to just be sexual with 1-2 special people in our total lifespan). So, what is it do you think that accounts for why you are what you are as an asexual being? I'm presuming as a mature individual this is not a passing fad with you and that you've been like this all your life, so why do you think it is so? Could it be genetic, or due to some very early forgotten trauma, or other reason why people like us are the way we are - which, let us be honest, is not 'normal' for a member of the human race, because if we were all like this our race would cease to exist quite quickly without sexual desire (or little of it). Link to post Share on other sites
AnneAce Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Since asexuality hasn't been in the public eye for very long there isn't a lot of scientific research as to say why it exists. In general, most people disagree that asexuality has a cause such as trauma or hormone imbalances (not that anyone who is asexual doesn't have these, they're just not synonymous). Suggestions like these are reminiscent of people trying to dismiss and incriminate topics such as homosexuality. While it's true that most people do experience sexual attraction a lot of work that asexual activist do is to try talk about the topic to normalize it. Since AVEN's creation, asexuality has become better know so more research and statistics are more available, but we are a long way from definitive numbers and research. As the general public becomes more aware of asexuality and hence more people on the A-spectrum become aware that there is a word and a community available for their shared experience, we'll be in a better place to study and determine why we are like this. I know that this is not a conclusive answer, but the research has not been done for one, sorry. I hope you have a good day. Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 20 hours ago, JoyEngland said: But I still do wonder why it is that there seems to be a divide in the human race - on one side those who pursue their lust for sex with anyone who'll have them, and on the other side there are us who either feel no desire to go out hunting for sexual partners (or perhaps to just be sexual with 1-2 special people in our total lifespan). There are a lot of people who fall in between. Honestly most sexual folks don't pursue sex with wild abandon. Some may have a minimal number of partners like you mentioned, which is pretty much how I see my own life going for a variety of reasons, but there are many who have more than 1-2 yet aren't lusting after everything with a pulse. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 No real reason to me, I could reel off multiple "reasons" but that detracts from my own legitimate sexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 1 hour ago, JoyEngland said: So, what is it do you think that accounts for why you are what you are as an asexual being? Why am I asexual? Why am I left handed? Why do I like rainy days? Why do I enjoy mac and cheese? *shrugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 It’s definitely not trauma or hormonal inbalences, as there are plenty of asexuals without those. I personally like to think of it scientifically as some kind of recessive population limiter, but the specifics of it are unknown. Perhaps it has something to do with the fruitless gene, perhaps it’s random, perhaps it’s something else. The most important thing is accepting it, and understanding yourself and others, as it’s not likely gonna change any time soon. Link to post Share on other sites
ikkashe Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Honestly, I don't think there is a reason I am ace. I am who I am and that happens to be ace. That said, I have often wondered if I do things because I am asexual or if the things I did when I was younger contributed to me being asexual. I often ask myself questions like: Am I sex-repulsed because I was very strongly religious when younger? Or did I appreciate religion because it was the only place I could get away from discussions about sex? Am I unable to touch people physically because I was horribly depressed and bullied constantly as a kid? Or was I depressed and bullied because of my inability to touch people? Do I keep myself out of social situations because of my low self-esteem? Or is it because I hate being "hit-on" in public and this has lead to years of repressed emotions? Basically, I don't know if asexuality is the cause or the effect of my current lifestyle and it does kinda bother me. Right now I definitely identify as ace, but am I a true asexual or did I just adopt it because of misguided beliefs that have been ingrained into my personality? It's just one of those things. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 I did have a traumatic sexual experience as a small child and wondered if this caused me to become Asexual, but I don't believe so, and there doesn't appear to be any higher instances of sexual trauma in Asexuals. That being the case, I think I've always been Asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 I admit openly that in my case it's almost certainly an early acquired trait. It's a result of a chronic illness, or, more precisly, a whole chain of causes and results which goes like this: chronic illness ---> nudity aversion ---> sex aversion ---> (effective) asexuality. There is always some form of anxiety in admitting it - within the community, it's because some people may fear that "it makes asexuality look bad". But still, it's rather hypothetic - but something that certainly exists are outsiders' reactions. And these are almost entirely negative, people outside the asexual community either react to such confessions with the "you couldn't get laid anyway" variant of anti-ace prejudice or accuse such a person of "surrendering to body negativity", "promoting body negatvity", "hating their own body" (I know well enough what I feel and so I can say: it's not hatred, it's anger). It is risky because admitting to being (effectively) asexual because of such bodily problems equals admitting to the very option which is socially least approved. All aces have their troubles: people who are asexual for no clear reason, probably "born this way", may face invalidation anyway - first of all in form of very prying questions about "whether they are sure that they weren't [insert "reason" such as abuse, illness, gender dysphoria etc.]". Aces who were actually abused may be treated in a more "lenient" way for a while, but, as Elizabeth points out, survivors are only given a certain "grace period" and afterwards they are expected to "get over it" and "enjoy sex". But it feels to me like in this culture people who feel asexual due a deep impossibility to fully accept their bodies - because these bodies are irreversibly damaged by an illness and so the very idea of "sharing" these bodies with someone else feels like torture to them - have no way to "excuse" themselves. (And sorry if it sounded too much like "Oppresssion Olympics".) Yet I prefer to identify as asexual and I have my reasons for that. First: I really am at least effectively asexual. Whether I experience some form of sexual attraction depends on the definiton, but I most certainly don't experience sexual desire. I'm sex-averse enough that I feel unable to actually desire sex. Second: I think I just deserve the right to feel better about myself, maybe even at the price of being less than fully honest with myself. Feeling that I can't accept the damage done to my skin and that I just can't "get over it", don't want to "get over it" and can never reverse the results of illness is a short route to despair. So perhaps, by making myself believe that I wouldn't have desired sex anyway, I have chosen the only way out, the only option which leaves me with a feeling of personal agency. After this confession, back to more theoretic stuff. I would be very careful with things such as "very early forgotten trauma". I'm not saying that such things never occur, but I think that they are much more hyped in anti-ace discourse than they are actually likely. Well, yes, a trauma survivor may push things out of their memory - but still, I don't think that they are likely to disappear without a trace. (And a person can also judge by their family and early lifestyle whether the possibility that they could have been abused once seems "not to rule out" or "extremely unlikely". In my case, I would opt for the latter.) On the contrary - it has been proven that it's possible for a person to develop "false memories". There have been cases of dishonest therapists "finding" "traces" of some horrible abuse in their clients' memories - and later it was shown that this abuse never happened, all these "memories" were put into clients' subconsciousness by the "therapists". I don't think that it's likely either, but I don't consider such a scenario impossible: a person lives in an unsupportive environment, nobody in their social circle believes that people may really be asexual, they come across stereotypical statements such as "a lot of asexuals were sexually abused" or "lack of sexual desire always indicated hormonal issues" - and they could keep persuading themselves that they must have been abused if they don't find any significant message to contradict such anti-asexual stereotypes... Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewT Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Why am I asexual - I am asexual because I'm not sexual attracted to people Why am I not sexually attracted to people, i don't know, but more importantly to me, I don't care I care for my (few) friends so I know my heart is beating Link to post Share on other sites
Jennimer Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 In my 20's and most of 30's I was a practicing bisexual. When I was 39 I came to terms with the fact that I had never enjoyed intercourse, or anything sexual, really, and that it was OK. For all those years I had thought there was something wrong with me. I went through the motions, because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. After I turned 40 I came across the term "asexual" and found that this is the closest thing that I have ever heard that describes my sexuality. I also realized that it really doesn't matter to me why I am asexual. I am just content knowing that this is what I am and that there is nothing wrong with me. It has been six years for me since my last sexual interaction and I couldn't be happier. Link to post Share on other sites
teatree Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 12 hours ago, Jennimer said: I also realized that it really doesn't matter to me why I am asexual. I am just content knowing that this is what I am and that there is nothing wrong with me. Yup! It's the way I've always been, just hadn't realized there were others like me until a couple of years ago. I've had no sexual trauma or any illnesses or body issues, I just am not sexually attracted to others. Link to post Share on other sites
Spotastic Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 I fall in a gray area where I like sex, but I don't feel any need to have it. I could go without sex and be content. That being said, I've always been apathetic towards sex. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 23, but just didn't care to. I got made fun of for that, but again, it just rolled off my back. I'm just who I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Techie Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 I am 56 and realized five years ago I was asexual after stumbling across this site. I always felt some kind of attraction towards females but it never felt "physical". I only learned later on that I was experiencing "romantic" attraction and the lack of physical component was asexuality. However... earlier this year I came across articles related to ADHD, which I was diagnosed as having back in 1970, and a lack of sexual interest (I am sure it is genetic as my late father was suspected to have it and I have a nephew who has been diagnosed too). In the case of ADHD, you have some individuals who are hypersexual or, as I appear to be, hyposexual. So this brought the additional question to mind of whether or not I am "asexual" or possibly a "hyposexual heterosexual" since I am heteroromantic. Either way, the net result is the same and I find I identify with the asexual community. Link to post Share on other sites
Charissa Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 I'm like you I never knew what Asexual was till just recently always thought there was something seriously wrong with me because I just never wanted sex. I did have an experience as a child but don't think that is it I only remember bits and pieces of it and I know others who have been through the same thing and enjoy sex. I like the idea that it is the planets way of reducing population Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 I'd say basic biology and evolution explain it all just fine. That's like asking why are some people gay. They just are. Just as some non-human animals are gay. Just happens. I've read some theories that as an evolutionary trait it might happen in herd species so that you have extra caregivers for offspring, which makes plenty of sense, even more so in social species. I'd never want kids of my own, and I'm quite cool with being an aunt. As an aunt with no children of my own to worry about, I can do things to help my sister with her brood. Biologically, we're very similar to our siblings that you don't all need to breed your own kids to pass on the genes. If only one sibling breeds, and the others help with the care, those kids have a better chance than those without the extra family help. This isn't to say only asexuals help in this way, but I can see the logic in the argument. That said, evolution is random, not logical. If you survive and breed, your traits pass on and are seen in later generations. If you die before you breed, they do not. That determines evolution of a species, not logic. 😉 Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 I'm with @Galactic Turtle and @teatree Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 Why am I asexual.? The random mixture of atoms that form me and the chemical reactions between them produce that effect. Link to post Share on other sites
ArchangelAlbatross Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 Interesting question. Growing up, I was repelled by the thought of intimate relations but craved depth in companionship. I wasn't traumatized, molested, and I had a healthy passionate and intense spirit. Sex just always seemed unnatural to me, as unnatural as skydiving might be to someone else. The first time I heard the term A Sexual was from my mom many years ago - I was already an adult - who mused that I might be. She even added that my great grandmother probably had been as well. To her it was no big deal. Just a gentle observation. So maybe there's a bit of a genetic connection, with me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier080854 Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 Why does the Sun rise in the East and set in the West ? I'm Ace and have always been Ace, no reason. Born that way. Though I have been poked prodded and tested physically and mentally in 1971 and 1998 for possible reasons for being Ace. No underlying problems anywhere. Though I did pick up 5 other Aces as friends in 1998 study. All of us where professionally diagnosed as being Ace, which was the reason we were picked. Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 On 8/16/2018 at 7:30 PM, AndrewT said: Why am I asexual - I am asexual because I'm not sexual attracted to people Why am I not sexually attracted to people, i don't know, but more importantly to me, I don't care I care for my (few) friends so I know my heart is beating I could say the same thing if someone was to ask. On 8/23/2018 at 12:20 AM, LKinney said: I'd say basic biology and evolution explain it all just fine. That's like asking why are some people gay. They just are. Just as some non-human animals are gay. Just happens. I've read some theories that as an evolutionary trait it might happen in herd species so that you have extra caregivers for offspring, which makes plenty of sense, even more so in social species. I'd never want kids of my own, and I'm quite cool with being an aunt. As an aunt with no children of my own to worry about, I can do things to help my sister with her brood. Biologically, we're very similar to our siblings that you don't all need to breed your own kids to pass on the genes. If only one sibling breeds, and the others help with the care, those kids have a better chance than those without the extra family help. This isn't to say only asexuals help in this way, but I can see the logic in the argument. That said, evolution is random, not logical. If you survive and breed, your traits pass on and are seen in later generations. If you die before you breed, they do not. That determines evolution of a species, not logic. 😉 When I was in my 20s I KNEW I wasn't interested in marriage or fathering children. Being an uncle (to one nephew) is fine by me. Link to post Share on other sites
Fernwehlady Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I'm attracted to men, love to be around them, their company. Love hugging, holding hands, kissing... but sex does nothing for me. It wouldn't bother me if I never had sex ever again. 13yrs celebate and not dated in that time. It annoys me that sex is a priority for most men ... I feel that's all they see. There's so much more to me, I have a mind, interests, thoughts, feelings... I am not just a vessel for sex Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 4 hours ago, Fernwehlady said: I'm attracted to men, love to be around them, their company. Love hugging, holding hands, kissing... but sex does nothing for me. It wouldn't bother me if I never had sex ever again. 13yrs celebate and not dated in that time. It annoys me that sex is a priority for most men ... I feel that's all they see. There's so much more to me, I have a mind, interests, thoughts, feelings... I am not just a vessel for sex And on the other side of the coin it's difficult for a guy to meet a female for 'friendship' if the guy is asexual. I'm pretty sure (big assumption here) that most females would like to be intimate with 'their' guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick2 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Maybe this is Mother Nature's way of controlling the population on the planet. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarvaa Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Why am I asexual? Mind, I've only just begun to accept that it's the best descriptor of my sexuality that I've been able to find (hence me joining here to learn more), even though I first learnt about asexuality about 5-6 years ago and thought it sounded familiar back then. Is it nature? Is it nurture? Both? Neither? The answer could be simple, but it could also be a complex mix of nature and nurture, and potential unknown, but optional, factors X1, X2 and X17.39? Maybe one day science can explain it, but until then, I don't want to form any hypothesis that's beyond my field of knowledge. Relevant scientific professionals, go for it, figure it out, I won't get in your way. Link to post Share on other sites
RobPal Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 On 8/16/2018 at 11:19 PM, ikkashe said: Honestly, I don't think there is a reason I am ace. I am who I am and that happens to be ace. That said, I have often wondered if I do things because I am asexual or if the things I did when I was younger contributed to me being asexual. I often ask myself questions like: Am I sex-repulsed because I was very strongly religious when younger? Or did I appreciate religion because it was the only place I could get away from discussions about sex? Am I unable to touch people physically because I was horribly depressed and bullied constantly as a kid? Or was I depressed and bullied because of my inability to touch people? Do I keep myself out of social situations because of my low self-esteem? Or is it because I hate being "hit-on" in public and this has lead to years of repressed emotions? Basically, I don't know if asexuality is the cause or the effect of my current lifestyle and it does kinda bother me. Right now I definitely identify as ace, but am I a true asexual or did I just adopt it because of misguided beliefs that have been ingrained into my personality? It's just one of those things. Yes. I have had similar thoughts and have tried to tap into combinations of events that may have impacted my sexual development. I think there are a lot of great parts of me that may have derided from my asexuality, however I'm left wondering whether there could have been another way. Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 On 8/17/2018 at 12:23 AM, MichaelTannock said: I did have a traumatic sexual experience as a small child and wondered if this caused me to become Asexual, but I don't believe so, and there doesn't appear to be any higher instances of sexual trauma in Asexuals. That being the case, I think I've always been Asexual. I doubt it. Take a look at this abstract, for instance: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29464451 Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 44 minutes ago, kiaroskuro said: I doubt it. Take a look at this abstract, for instance: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29464451 This surprised me. It also adds some doubt to whether I was born Asexual, but that doesn't make me any less Asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
charlieschmitt Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 I guess either somewhere along my growth my sexuality didn't develop, or I was born that way. Didn't know I was different until I realised most people around me are sexual. Didn't know it was a thing, but well, I certainly didn't choose to be asexual. It just happened. On 10/21/2018 at 9:19 PM, will123 said: And on the other side of the coin it's difficult for a guy to meet a female for 'friendship' if the guy is asexual. I'm pretty sure (big assumption here) that most females would like to be intimate with 'their' guy. @will123 Well I guess this happens the other way too. It's hard for a female to meet a guy for 'friendship'. They always end up wanting something. Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 2 hours ago, charlieschmitt said: @will123 Well I guess this happens the other way too. It's hard for a female to meet a guy for 'friendship'. They always end up wanting something. It sure is. I'd even venture to say that it's harder for females. Link to post Share on other sites
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