Do you identify with the Rainbow sex/gender spectrum

[Nitesead]

Coming very late to this conversation, but to answer the original question for now:  I think these labels are more exciting to me now than they would have been when I was younger.  I've spent my life building up my walls and protections and defenses.  Now, doing so much recovery/therapy work, I am finally letting down some of those barriers, at least enough to finally explore this side of myself.  For so long I was confused as hell.  I knew i was oriented toward guys, and thus just said I was gay.  But so resistant to sex. 
Figuring out that I am ace and then figuring out that I'm somewhere on the aro spectrum has been so liberating!  I've been hungry for the community, for getting to understand more and more, and yep, it's to the young folks I've been turning, on youtube and tumblr.  When I was believing I was gay allosexual, I loved and respected the trans and aces and etc but didn't recognize a connection.  Exploring the aroace community, and making two trans men friends in the past year has brought me BIG TIME past the claustrophic world of cis monsexuality. 

 

Exposure to the trans world led me, quite naturally, to the genderqueer world.  I've always cringed when someone called me sir or referred to me as a man.  Like, an "ew" feeling.  But I don't feel like a woman either.  So now I'm exploring new ways of understanding my feelings of distance from my gender, and there's no way I could do that if it weren't for the explosion of visibility that exists today, primarily among the younger folks.

 

If I were to go to pride today, I'd probably wave an ace flag, but maybe an aroace one.  I've been distanced from the queer community (meaning the whole alphabet, yes), but I'm wanting to get connected again, because these revelations are exciting but also confusing, and I'm suddenly feeling loneliness because of it. 

 

Ramble ramble.  Thanks .

 

[Space Case]

Nope. They used to call me gay or Christian based on who wasn't getting any.  Now they call me gay or Christian based on what political dogma I'm not buying into.  I'm neither, I'm demi.  I don't care what you call yourself, or how you get down.  I'm about who you are.

[cyprress]

Yes, but mostly because I'm married to a lesbian and my gender is a big question mark. The asexual thing hadn't factored in yet when I started identifying as LGBTQIA+/queer/rainbow.

[Virgoalone]

Yes I like the flags and their colors and events because I don’t identify as straight but not really gay or any of the orientations either. I just feel different or maybe really tired or ambivalent about others. Socially I don’t feel straight no desire to do anything feminine except once in awhile buy something pink or floral. Even though I’m technically female, I feel more male and would prefer to be never considered female, so yes I feel included in the pride colors and such. I bet it’s really personal. I also don’t relate to relationships so i feel disoriented rather than oriented.

[Adlena]

Last few contributors resonated with me a lot. It feels wrong when I'm referred to as a man..even though I look like one..im not a woman either...im more feminine than masculine..I think labels and the requirement to conform and be validated by others can cause a lot of stress and unhappiness..but on the other hand there is strength in numbers and visibility so I understand and support that aspect of the LGBT thing. It's not for me but I dont really like crowds..and am overly self conscious and quite a private person.

[Hellywelly]

Before I realised I was ace, I went to Pride as an ally, mostly because I have a transgender gay son. I do feel I belong in LGBTQIA+ spaces, I tend to like queer as an umbrella term. My son also uses queer as an umbrella term, less individual labels to deep dive in to when it’s not necessary.

 

I’m also late diagnosed autistic-adhd so for me the label is important to understand myself better. I advocate for autistic and adhd acceptance every day so ace acceptance is just another part of that for me

[Adlena]

I quite like the term queer too as it can relate to gender and sexuality., both of which I've been struggling with and for me anyway they seem connected. I know I'm asexual with women. I find them attractive and enjoy the company of women. I have much less  experience with men in the intimate sense. I think I feel more feminine with men..and maybe i like that feeling rather than it being a sexual attraction to men though. So I think queer is lose enough to work for me. It seems to define what I'm not as much as what I am. 

[ExquisiteMystery]

I truly don't  mean this in a rude way, but previous posters... the entire point of the rainbow /pride thing is not about "you" fitting in with a group exactly. It's about saying to others, "I exist. I recognize you exist. We should do things that benefit each other. I will support all of you (especially the sad/weakened/lonely) and will expect the same."

Basically if you aren't 100% the dominant culture, you should go. It IS difficult for introverts, but you will find islands of introverts among the loud. And I think with the huge increase in racism, sexism, and bigoted behavior, it's super important to take all safe opportunities to make bond/connections. Be a safe face to ask for an interview/ tire change/ favor.

Plus, visibilty gives hope. Be visible and maybe save a few people who feel all alone. Look at the rate of depressed/lonely posts here. At least with the larger rainbow group, they could find someone to eat lunch/go to meetings/chat with.

I am 100% about going to rainbow events as much as possible.

[Adlena]

I dont think there is a right or a wrong way to do any of this...as long as we are respectful of others and their individuality. We have different personalities  and are at different stages in terms of self awareness and confidence. We re all entitled to our opinions of course but they are just that.

[Reindeer]

On 8/16/2018 at 12:53 PM, JoyEngland said:

I'm very curious about whether other mature asexuals identify with the people who go on Pride parades and marches and wave rainbow flags and identify themselves by a whole load of letters that end in a + sign? Or whether you feel in a group all of your own outside of hetero and mega+ identities? Or whether you're not bothered at all trying to slot yourself into an identity group?

 

As for myself, I've known all of my life I'm a misfit and I'm fine with that and I like being different/unique, because I don't particularly like the traits of 'normal' people who make up most of the population. I've never sought to label myself, nor to fit into any identity group; so the sudden phenomena of people being desperate to label themselves and to seek approval for that label is curious to me.

 

I think it is due to my age. I don't find labels exciting the way young people seem to these days. I was wondering what you think; plus also why you think that suddenly people feel the need to label themselves and shout about it and be 'proud' of it? I've got on with my life as I'm sure you have done also and have never felt the need to shout about my personal intimate inner being to the world and seek approval for it - as everyone is apparently doing these days. I'd like to read your mature-person asexual opinions please.

 

I identify as asexual and I have a pride flag hung in my bedroom. I have always been in support of the community even before I hit puberty as I wanted to see other people "Be happy". If given the option to not post my "Gender" online I usually put genderless/Agender or make up a gender. As I want to be judged by my content not my sex and in real life my privlages/worth is seemingly tied to that alone. Which I find really annoying. 

[BuckeyeChick]

I personally never felt the need to be in a parade.  For one thing I am a cis-gender female who is asexual, so it's quite easy for me to  live my life in stealth mode without any problems or hassles.

Also I never really identified with the alphabet crowd anyway -- especially the excessive promiscuity among some of the groups etc.  It just seems rather strange that our group is under that umbrella when the majority of us have very little to no sexual feelings.

So no parades or pride flags for me.  Prefer to just live my life just being me.

[will123]

40 minutes ago, BuckeyeChick said:

I personally never felt the need to be in a parade.  For one thing I am a cis-gender female who is asexual, so it's quite easy for me to  live my life in stealth mode without any problems or hassles.

Also I never really identified with the alphabet crowd anyway -- especially the excessive promiscuity among some of the groups etc.  It just seems rather strange that our group is under that umbrella when the majority of us have very little to no sexual feelings.

So no parades or pride flags for me.  Prefer to just live my life just being me.

Change that to male and that fits me.  Having a few female friends helped over the years except for my S-I-L.

[ExquisiteMystery]

On 5/26/2022 at 11:21 PM, BuckeyeChick said:

It just seems rather strange that our group is under that umbrella when the majority of us have very little to no sexual feelings.

I always assumed it's because there are ace relationships that are not heterosexual. Like if there is a woman who is nonsexually attracted to a woman, enough to marry or cohabitate, most people would describe them using LGBTQIA+ terms.

Then again, I have a lesbian friend who is an introvert, and wouldn't be caught dead at a parade.

[marga_rose]

I identify as queer because I'm bi-romantic and have been in significant same-sex relationships in the past. That said, I've gone off the queer scene as I've become older... it was all very exciting 20+ years ago but I never quite fitted in. The last time I went to Pride was about 10 years ago, I helped set up a stall and then I left when the loud music started 😂 (being autistic doesn't help!) I get that it's an enormous privilege that we can have Pride but I feel there isn't as much diversity under the umbrella as there could be... I can't comment on anything that's changed in the past 10 years but I found it very stereotype-based. Also, I'm looking forward to the day when we get all 26 letters into that acronym 😛

[Grassdancer]

Not at all, and I have come to actually feel quite under siege, as no matter which orientation within the sexual spectrum, they can end wanting to rub it in the faces of others (not saying all do). It is to the point that when I look at a rainbow, I have to fight a trigger and tell myself that it is a rainbow, it has nothing to do with sex, that's just what humans have started to use it for, but it has destroyed part of my enjoyment of just taking in the natural beauty of a rainbow.

 

Life has been a string of traumas for me as an asexual. I did not start out sex repulsed, just sex avert, but also of course as I for most of my life did not even know I wasn't 'faulty', with all the guilt and beating my self worth over it that came along with that assumption - it was a tough journey. I do believe in raising awareness, but I just feel it is done so loud and aggressive, often it appears more to me that people rather want to trigger the sensitivities of others, than to actually seek discourse, understanding and acceptance. I feel pride parades fall into that for me. It comes over to me as provocation, not actual celebration of new acceptance and the striving for a better, more inclusive humanity.

 

I don't wish to step on the toes of those who find those parades great, love to partake in them and will no doubt argue they are super important, I really really don't, but I often feel our quiet voices are drowned out, and that many do not wish to take possible sensitivities of others into account as they collide with their own desires. I think everyone has a right to their sexuality, everyone within the realm of consent shall do what makes them happy, but I don't feel I have consented to the constant drumbeat pounding in my ears, the constant visuals everywhere, claiming colours or symbols as their own, without regards for those who may also have association with such colours and symbols, not related to sex. Same goes for works of literature and characters of literature, that are suddenly discussed in terms of sexual orientation, demands for characters to aggressively portray a sexual orientation, instead of focussing on other aspects of stories. It is ok to do all that in private settings, among same minded, but why having to confront everyone else with it all the time?

 

It is making my life a walk in a mine field, and also leading me to recluse more and more away from all humanity, but again, I do not mean this as an attack, just maybe a nudge to think about how all of this can come to affect those who have not consented to be part of it, but find it hard to escape.

[Heatplant]

I do not feel I am a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Allied for sure. But I have always seen the Ace community as separate. 

[will123]

4 hours ago, Grassdancer said:

Same goes for works of literature and characters of literature, that are suddenly discussed in terms of sexual orientation, demands for characters to aggressively portray a sexual orientation, instead of focussing on other aspects of stories. It is ok to do all that in private settings, among same minded, but why having to confront everyone else with it all the time?

If it's OK, can I hug you?

 

Like really who cares? In high school literature as much as I have always enjoyed reading, I did it for entertainment. I hated trying to remember plot/character development and the usual stuff that they asked you about concerning books you didn't particularly enjoy reading.

[Grassdancer]

1 hour ago, will123 said:

If it's OK, can I hug you?

I am happy to accept a hug from an aromantic asexual any day 🤗

[will123]

41 minutes ago, Grassdancer said:

I am happy to accept a hug from an aromantic asexual any day 🤗

Thanks! I was just so happy to read that. It seems that what you pointed out is so common anymore. 'So and so in Such and such is (fill in the blank). If it wasnt readily apparent from the plot, why is it up for debate? I remember reading a few years ago the discussion about a character from a Canadian children's show from my childhood and into the 80s. 

 

Apparently according to the creator, Casey on Mr Dress-up was androgynous so that 'they' would appeal to both boys and girls at the time. Really? The show started back in the 60s so I find that hard to believe.

[Grassdancer]

1 hour ago, will123 said:

Thanks! I was just so happy to read that. It seems that what you pointed out is so common anymore. 'So and so in Such and such is (fill in the blank). If it wasnt readily apparent from the plot, why is it up for debate? I remember reading a few years ago the discussion about a character from a Canadian children's show from my childhood and into the 80s. 

 

Apparently according to the creator, Casey on Mr Dress-up was androgynous so that 'they' would appeal to both boys and girls at the time. Really? The show started back in the 60s so I find that hard to believe.

Yes, I struggle considerably with this, and it is all part of the reason I do not feel included or represented in regards to the thread's question. It is all part of the constant noise I feel unable to escape the moment I interact with the outside world. I love Tolkien and was a member of Tolkien groups, but even there it ended following, with some eager to discuss whether Sam and Frodo were secretly homosexual, whether Galadriel had interest in Gandalf and so forth.

 

Don't wish to derail the original topic though, not sure discussing this could be seen as that 😟

[Lord Happy Toast]

I don't feel any personal connection with alphabet-soup+, but I think that's largely a personal disposition matter.  I used to identify as asexual--and if I'm taking a survey with a sexual orientation question, I'll still go with "asexual" as that's the least-wrong option--but it's not an important part of my identity anymore.

 

For a long time, I felt weird that I didn't find any girls "hot", but I didn't find any guys "hot" either.  I still feel a need to put "hot" in quotation marks.  But what I wanted was to get married and have kids.  Now I've gotten married and have two kids, the "asexual" label just doesn't seem relevant to my life at all.

[Shylo64]

On 8/26/2018 at 7:40 PM, will123 said:

 

I don't feel a connection with the LGBT community because I've never had to fight for anything or been discriminated against. I don't know what other Pride parades are like, but the Toronto one can be off-putting by the behaviour of some of the participants.

 

Yes I am asexual, but I don't feel need to broadcast it to the world.

This is not a very timely response but I fully agree with this sentiment. I don't go around telling people I am asexual, the only ones I have told are my close friends. I don't believe it changes who I am or how I behave, it's just part of me.

 

As far as feeling part of the rainbow alphabet, I don't really identify with it. I've never faced discrimination or harassment because of my asexuality. 

 

I am a union activist, and whenever a course or conference is being arranged one of the questions on the application form is if we identify as a member of a marginalized group (BIPOC, 2SLGBTQIA+) to ensure we are fully inclusive in those who attend. I have never checked this box because I don't feel comfortable indicating something that has never been utilized negatively towards me.

 

How do others feel about perhaps getting preferential treatment because of their asexuality?

[will123]

3 hours ago, Shylo64 said:

This is not a very timely response but I fully agree with this sentiment. I don't go around telling people I am asexual, the only ones I have told are my close friends. I don't believe it changes who I am or how I behave, it's just part of me.

 

As far as feeling part of the rainbow alphabet, I don't really identify with it. I've never faced discrimination or harassment because of my asexuality. 

 

I am a union activist, and whenever a course or conference is being arranged one of the questions on the application form is if we identify as a member of a marginalized group (BIPOC, 2SLGBTQIA+) to ensure we are fully inclusive in those who attend. I have never checked this box because I don't feel comfortable indicating something that has never been utilized negatively towards me.

 

How do others feel about perhaps getting preferential treatment because of their asexuality?

Not a problem some forums you'd get flamed for answering an old thread. I'm out to a few friends. Since I identified as asexual in 2005, my only 'documentation' of my asexuality was during a market research survey at a concert likely in 2019 (pre-pandemic) that included asexuality as a sexual orientation...

 

To answer your last question there was some talk about members of the LGBTQ+ community in the province getting a discount for something (provincial park fees?). I mentioned this to a friend that I'm out to. We're pretty much of the same demographics other than him being straight and in a long term relationship. He was the one that I mentioned earlier in the thread ask about my thoughts. I told him it seemed ridiculous that I could get a discount, but he couldn't because I wasn't straight. I then asked rhetorically if they were going to issue cards stating that a person was (fill in the blank)? What's to stop a person from saying they were (fill in the blank) to save a few bucks? It's not like people haven't tried scamming the system in the past...

[Slajmy]

I do NOT identify with the "rainbow" HBTQIA movement at all.

[Tom71]

On 8/16/2018 at 2:53 PM, JoyEngland said:

I'm very curious about whether other mature asexuals identify with the people who go on Pride parades and marches and wave rainbow flags and identify themselves by a whole load of letters that end in a + sign? Or whether you feel in a group all of your own outside of hetero and mega+ identities? Or whether you're not bothered at all trying to slot yourself into an identity group?

 

As for myself, I've known all of my life I'm a misfit and I'm fine with that and I like being different/unique, because I don't particularly like the traits of 'normal' people who make up most of the population. I've never sought to label myself, nor to fit into any identity group; so the sudden phenomena of people being desperate to label themselves and to seek approval for that label is curious to me.

 

I think it is due to my age. I don't find labels exciting the way young people seem to these days. I was wondering what you think; plus also why you think that suddenly people feel the need to label themselves and shout about it and be 'proud' of it? I've got on with my life as I'm sure you have done also and have never felt the need to shout about my personal intimate inner being to the world and seek approval for it - as everyone is apparently doing these days. I'd like to read your mature-person asexual opinions please.

 

I've tried to fit into the LGBTQA spectrum as a gay man but never felt I quite fit

Now as an asexual I feel even less drawn to the spectrum

[Dreamfyre]

I am biromantic and have dated women.

 

I don't feel the need to go to pride parades as often they tend to be overly sexual for no reason. I have never identified myself as part of the LGBT+ because they do cross the line at times and a lot of vocal ones there think they're above criticism or can act toxic as they please. Being biromantic and asexual are just 2% of who I am as a human being it's not my entire identity. I have no need to flaunt and seek attention because of it.

 

I don't give a damn about fitting into any group. My sexuality is nobody's business.

[BaklavaGuardian]

I personally don't identify with pride since it's main focus is expressing sexuality. I don't see us aces as falling into that category since we are the opposite of that. Being around LGBTQ people expression sexuality is just as uncomfortable as being around heterosexual people expressing their sexuality, it just doesn't interest me. If anything I think aces should do more on their own and not rely on the LGBTQ community to accept us or speak for us. Plus, not everyone in the Rainbow wants us their so why try to force our way in?

 

Although I do understand why others would want to be part of the LGBTQ community since it's already a build organization and they have some sway. Also, technically we are queer in the traditional meaning of the word. Anyways, just my thoughts and opinions. 

[will123]

2 hours ago, BaklavaGuardian said:

Also, technically we are queer in the traditional meaning of the word. 

When I told the friend this a year or so ago (I've been out to him as asexual since 2017), he looked at me like I had two heads. 'I know...' was my response.

[A-Critter]

Yes, I do like the rainbow. As a man, being in the gay community gives me access to connections I didn't have in the straight world. As a sex-positive ace (c.f. Angela Chen) it's comfortable for me to identify as gay. 

[avocato]

I like what a previous poster said above, that to go to pride is to celebrate everyone outside of the heteronormative rhetoric - from asexual to pan. I think things are different as a person of color. My perspective tends to be, "I'm persecuted for breathing, so going to pride isn't much different than walking outside anyway." 

 

But as an introvert, I go to my small town pride events. There, it's about celebrating individuals without overt sexual activity. It's being who you are within a smaller group.

 

I have many strikes against me and I also live in a small town that has a certain perspective regarding people of color that's none too favorable (my conservative area has hosted multiple rallies that are the very antithesis to anything other than racial homogeneity). So, as a relative **** you to them, I celebrate myself in a safe space, with folks who welcome the different parts of me. I don't have the luxury of staying quiet and being ignored, since my existence doesn't allow for it.

 

But I'm not knocking anyone who doesn't go to pride; everyone has their reasons and all of them are valid. But I like find more people like me, and find where my "tribe" is. I don't see many asexuals in the wild, apart from pride parades, and it feels good knowing I'm not alone out there.

 

My two cents.