Jump to content
LuSo

confused about my husbands orientation

Recommended Posts

ryn2
10 minutes ago, LuSo said:

I have brought this idea up over and over and he has shut it down. He just doesn't seem to get that this is actually a big deal, it's extremely frustrating. 

Maybe he doesn’t get that it’s a big deal, or maybe he grew up with the mindset that men are supposed to be tough and ultramasculine.

 

Have you at least gone by yourself?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LuSo
11 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Maybe he doesn’t get that it’s a big deal, or maybe he grew up with the mindset that men are supposed to be tough and ultramasculine.

  

Have you at least gone by yourself?

I have not gone by myself. Do you think thatd be helpful? 

 

I believe that he doesnt actually get that it's a big deal, but it is and there's just not much more I can do to make it clear to him. I've probably had a discussion with him once a month for the past 3 years and before that it wasn't as often but it was definitely a frequently recurring talk. I feel embarrassed talking with him about it because he makes me feel like I'm hyper-focused on sex. I try to be very understanding and open minded in those conversations but I have certainly cried and been very hurt in front of him. I'm just not sure how to make him get it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LuSo
17 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

Have you brought up the topic of committed but open relationships, in general?

 

Lucinda

I have once. He said that that just means I'm starting a new relationship and will leave him for the other person. That seems like a reasonable concern but I truly have no desire to have a full relationship with anyone else. I'm completely happy in every other way with him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
30 minutes ago, LuSo said:

I have not gone by myself. Do you think thatd be helpful? 

 

I believe that he doesnt actually get that it's a big deal, but it is and there's just not much more I can do to make it clear to him. I've probably had a discussion with him once a month for the past 3 years and before that it wasn't as often but it was definitely a frequently recurring talk. I feel embarrassed talking with him about it because he makes me feel like I'm hyper-focused on sex. I try to be very understanding and open minded in those conversations but I have certainly cried and been very hurt in front of him. I'm just not sure how to make him get it.

It certainly wouldn’t hurt... if you can find a therapist you’re comfortable with, you can still work through your own feelings and options.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Grimalkin
4 hours ago, Thea2 said:

Which bit is unclear to you?

 

No part of it is unclear to me, I've just never heard somebody encourage someone else to cheat on their spouse, let alone in a relationship they are interested in saving.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LuSo
10 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

No part of it is unclear to me, I've just never heard somebody encourage someone else to cheat on their spouse, let alone in a relationship they are interested in saving.

im not saying it's a great idea, but i get the impulse and i did think about it if im being honest.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Grimalkin
Just now, LuSo said:

im not saying it's a great idea, but i get the impulse and i did think about it if im being honest.

It's a perfectly normal thing to think about when you're in a sexless relationship. But you resisted the temptation! (Also, your male friend is being very inconsiderate, but that's a whole other ball of wax.)

 

But I think generally, if one gets to the point where they actively choose to cheat on the partner, then their relationship is over. Polyamory and open relationships and whatnot are all fine with the partner's consent, but actually cheating demonstrates a sort of... lack of respect? Relationship finality?

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
InProgress
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

It certainly wouldn’t hurt... if you can find a therapist you’re comfortable with, you can still work through your own feelings and options.

@LuSo, I tried replying to your posts earlier but I accidentally exited the page 😕 This is what I was going to suggest. I am very new to exploring that my husband may be Ace. He also has been found to have very low testosterone, so we're not quite sure yet all that we're dealing with, but I had decided weeks ago to begin my own therapy, for unrelated issues, only to know now that we'll be for sure addressing all the relationship stuff now, too.

 

Since I am still new and working on figuring it out myself, my advice is limited, but I can tell you what's been helpful for me. 1) This forum. I find the insights and conversations helpful. It is a breath of fresh air to have a place to openly discuss and get feedback. 2) Any close and trusted friends that you can share with offline. I have a few that I know I can share openly with and not feel judged. If you have any friends that can do that for you, lean on them. Having a sexual mismatch is very hard. I've been married for 22 years, together 26, and our incompatibility in our sex life has been a challenge nearly since the beginning. You'll need some support that isn't your spouse to get through this. 3) Therapy for you. I don't think anyone can go through years - or decades - of a mismatch like differing orientations or significant differences in libido and not be carrying around some baggage. Whether you stay or leave the relationship, be good to yourself and let a professional help guide you through figuring it out. I wish I had taken this step myself YEARS AGO. And finally 4) self care. Just be good to yourself. You're in a difficult, stressful situation that eats away at your self-confidence and self-worth. Show yourself some love in whatever way you need. 

 

I hope you find relief soon.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thea2
10 hours ago, LuSo said:

... I just can't do the lying ... I just couldn't bring myself to do something behind his back.

Fair enough. See how things develop following up on the other suggestions. Then after all that, if needed,  you can always consider it again as the lesser evil for all concerned. Good luck in any case whatever you decide to do. 🍀

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
On 8/16/2018 at 1:15 AM, LuSo said:

Does it EVER work for the sexual partner to engage in outside sexual relationships?

It depends on the people involved. If you believe you are capable of loving more than one person without flipping out, that's half the battle one. I see that in your recognition of your attraction to another as well as your love for your husband. A lot of the rest depends on how he sees things and how the two of you are able to work it out. I would NOT recommend cheating. Talk to him, see how he thinks. If you engage in additional relationships, he should know.

 

On 8/16/2018 at 1:15 AM, LuSo said:

I know he's the one I want to be with and I'd not fall in love with someone else. I'm not looking for excuses to cheat, honestly, I just can't think of any other way to make this work.

Cheating usually works very badly. My suggestion would be to converse with him (this won't be one conversation, but a series of them, so that both of you can think things through). Depending on how he feels, you could then cautiously start seeing other people. Check to see how he is coping. Don't suddenly get into bed with another person and expect him to be fine with it (unless he says he is). Date, explain how you are feeling and how your dating is progressing. Give him a heads up if you'd like to take it further with someone, so he isn't blindsided.

 

Being honest is also useful in other ways. If he knows and consents, you don't have to sneak around. You can honestly go on a date without other ugliness like lies, missing actual things you have to be at to make time, etc. For someone like me who has kids and is usually home, nothing beats a partner willing to babysit them while you can go out on the date without worry.

 

A word of caution though, when you say "I'd not fall in love with someone else" - you need to think about what if you do. Are you capable of loving more than one person and caring about them both or would it mean you dump your husband? Because if you don't think you can, I'd like to offer a reality check. Sex is an intense experience of closeness and you really can't predict who you end up caring for more. This is something you need to think through before as well as discuss with your husband. For example, many people may be fine with their partners having sex with someone but not developing feelings for them, others don't care what you feel for someone as long as you don't have sex, etc.

 

It will also be important to be demonstrative and open about your caring for your husband, so that he does not feel like you are neglecting him to seek another person.

 

On 8/16/2018 at 1:15 AM, LuSo said:

And of course I don't blame him if that's his orientation, I just wish we could have more honest discussions about it, at least things would make sense if that was the problem.

Sad fact of it is that you will end up having to initiate those discussions, since it isn't on his radar. If he is not comfortable, you may need to vary your approaches till you find one that works for both of you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon

To stress the cheating point really strongly, if you can't talk to your husband about something this important to you and believe you must cheat because a conversation this important to you to do it honestly is impossible, you should probably see if you want to be with him. Cheating creates massive problems in marriage. You may want to end it on a good note and be free to seek your future free and clear instead.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
38 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Cheating usually works very badly

Does it? If it works out fine, and the spouse doesn't find out but continues on their happy, oblivious life, we'd never know, would we?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Does it? If it works out fine, and the spouse doesn't find out but continues on their happy, oblivious life, we'd never know, would we?

Yeah but it's really hard to guarantee that your spouse won't find out. Sometimes even just the smell of your dick can give it away (I could always smell if someone else's vaj had been on my ex's dick). Or for example I found long blond hairs on the passenger seat in the car one day when to my knowledge only myself and a guy with short hair had been in there. When I asked my ex he said ''the hairs must have blown in through the open window while I was driving'' ...Bullshit lol. I got his phone that night when he went to sleep, accessed the deleted messages, and sure enough he'd arranged to meet a girl that morning. And he had a lot of practice hiding stuff yet I was still able to bust him easily every time. What I'm getting at is that if one's partner is attentive, they may find out quite easily if you've been cheating on them and then you really will find yourself potentially about to lose your relationship. If you truly love the person you're cheating on then I don't personally think it's worth the risk of breaking their heart and possibly losing them forever, no matter how good you think you might be at hiding your affair!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Just now, FictoVore. said:

Yeah but it's really hard to guarantee that your spouse won't find out. Sometimes even just the smell of your dick can give it away (I could always smell if someone else's vaj had been on my ex's dick). Or for example I found long blond hairs on the passenger seat in the car one day when to my knowledge only myself and a guy with short hair had been in there. When I asked my ex he said ''the hairs must have blown in through the open window while I was driving'' ...Bullshit lol. I got his phone that night when he went to sleep, accessed the deleted messages, and sure enough he'd arranged to meet a girl that morning. And he had a lot of practice hiding stuff yet I was still able to bust him easily every time. What I'm getting at is that if one's partner is attentive, they may find out quite easily if you've been cheating on them and then you really will find yourself potentially about to lose your relationship. If you truly love the person you're cheating on then I don't personally think it's worth the risk of breaking their heart and possibly losing them forever, no matter how good you think you might be at hiding your affair!

All true, but you still don't know what you don't know.
 

Quote

 

I was still able to bust him easily every time.

 

You don't know that...

 

If the partnership is still close enough that dick-smelling occurs, and the other partner is attentive enough to figure out clues, then I'd agree about risk vs reward. But (as per the other thread) where the primary relationship is sexless or all but sexless, and different colour hair gets spotted, the risk is down and the reward is up...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Whether or not you get spotted is less about how close the two you are and more about how trusting your partner is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Also, the relationship-damaging potential isn’t about the sex; it’s about the dishonesty.  It violates the trust that’s important to any sort of emotional connection, just like a secret addiction, secret compulsive behavior, etc.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Does it? If it works out fine, and the spouse doesn't find out but continues on their happy, oblivious life, we'd never know, would we?

Such instances are quite rare, and to my knowledge are more successful with stuff like hiring prostitutes or an occasional one night stand. If any relationship is formed, it is very unlikely to remain secret long term, because:

  • spouses are not stupid. They are observing us for a long time and see changes in us.
  • relationships tend to escalate and the new relationship tends to demand more and becomes an unsustainable secret and also more likely to be caught due to patterns that can be missed on occasion, but not regularly.
  • the cheating partners often "confess" to the cheater's spouse due to regret or revenge, particularly if it is the cheater who ends the relationship or gets too demanding or otherwise problematic. It is a quick and effective brake at the cost of the cheater.
  • between the previous two points, the cheater is essentially caught between a rock and a hard place at the first sign of trouble in the cheating relationship and no intimate relationship sustains problem free indefinitely.

This is not to say it is not possible, but the odds against the secret remaining a secret are so bad, that gambling on them is not a good idea as a choice. Most people end up gambling due to a hormonal high blinding them and pay for it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
12 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Such instances are quite rare,

Are they? Neither of us can know.

 

12 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

cheating partners often "confess"

'often'....? Really?

 

13 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

They are observing us for a long time and see changes in us.

Not always. In fact, the type of spouse who doesn't notice changes (because they're busy, self absorbed, or whatever) is probably more likely to get cheated on.

 

Slightly different thing, but I haven't worn my wedding ring for over a year. My wife never noticed. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Are they? Neither of us can know.

You are right.

 

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

'often'....? Really?

It is among the common responses - particularly to being dumped while the partner is still interested. Either going to the spouse or a public shaming or some other form of shame related blackmail. When two married people have an affair, there is also a risk of the spouse of one of them caught cheating informing the spouse of the other - if they know them or can find them easily.

 

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not always. In fact, the type of spouse who doesn't notice changes (because they're busy, self absorbed, or whatever) is probably more likely to get cheated on.

You are probably right in terms of such a spouse being more likely to be cheated on without being caught. Then, there is also a sort of opposite - an extremely confident and trusting spouse, who finds incongruencies but accepts explanations because it does not even occur to them that their partner might cheat. This one is seen more often in relationships that are good.

 

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Slightly different thing, but I haven't worn my wedding ring for over a year. My wife never noticed. 

Or maybe she noticed and didn't care. Which can also apply to cheating. Some spouses may not notice or know and not care unless it is flaunted or acknowledging is unavoidable. Reasons may vary - they may not be the jealous type and may be fine with it, they may be relieved that their spouse is not bothering them sexually or conversely may enjoy the increased sexual energy in the marital relationship.... anything is possible.

 

Perhaps I should say that among problems, these are the common ones. The bottom line is that cheating remains a huge gamble with potentially far reaching consequences. For example, impact on any children, opinion of friends of both spouses, legal implications, professional consequences in case of workplace affairs... I'm trying to give some examples that go beyond the immediate feelings of both spouses.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
5 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

It is among the common responses - particularly to being dumped while the partner is still interested

Oh it happens. But again, we can't know the proportion of cases.

 

6 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Or maybe she noticed and didn't care. Which can also apply to cheating.

True, though I'm fairly certain she didn't notice in my case - it took her three days to notice (not comment on, but notice) a fairly severe hair cut.

 

7 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

For example, impact on any children, opinion of friends of both spouses, legal implications, professional consequences in case of workplace affairs... I'm trying to give some examples that go beyond the immediate feelings of both spouses.

Many of those are definites to choosing to split up, where they're just possibles with cheating. That would make cheating a more rational choice.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Grimalkin

It would kill me if my spouse, whom I loved, cheated on me because I wasn't providing the sexual intimacy they felt they needed. I would much rather break up. Not knowing about it doesn't make it better somehow.

 

If I found out years down the road, I would feel heartbroken and betrayed. I would wonder if my partner ever really loved me. No amount of "But I was feeling neglected in our relationship," would make me feel better about my partner knowingly choosing to sleep with someone else. It's an unfathomably large breach of trust.

 

"But what if you never found out?" you say. I mean... why is that even a counterpoint? I'm so glad I would be happy in a relationship unknowingly built on lies. SO glad, guys.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Grimalkin said:

It would kill me if my spouse, whom I loved, cheated on me because I wasn't providing the sexual intimacy they felt they needed. I would much rather break up. Not knowing about it doesn't make it better somehow.

 

If I found out years down the road, I would feel heartbroken and betrayed. I would wonder if my partner ever really loved me. No amount of "But I was feeling neglected in our relationship," would make me feel better about my partner knowingly choosing to sleep with someone else. It's an unfathomably large breach of trust.

I'm sure. But to sexuals, removing sex from a sexual relationship is a betrayal of trust, and makes us question whether there's any love there, in pretty much the same way.

 

Then add a dismissal to even accept it's an issue...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
23 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Many of those are definites to choosing to split up, where they're just possibles with cheating. That would make cheating a more rational choice.  

I guess it depends on your professional/personal circle but in my experience people judge cheating much more harshly than they do splitting up without it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Just now, ryn2 said:

I guess it depends on your professional/personal circle but in my experience people judge cheating much more harshly than they do splitting up without it.

Yeah but the whole property, kids, financial stuff is the same.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah but the whole property, kids, financial stuff is the same.

Agreed, but if that’s the same and the person/professional judgment is harsher, it’s not so clearly the rational choice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm sure. But to sexuals, removing sex from a sexual relationship is a betrayal of trust, and makes us question whether there's any love there, in pretty much the same way.

 

Then add a dismissal to even accept it's an issue...

How is removal of sex a betrayal of trust?  I can see how it would be a problem in other ways but I don’t see how it’s a trust issue unless the ace willfully lied about it to “trap” the partner (and that doesn’t seem to be a common scenario here).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
8 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

It would kill me if my spouse, whom I loved, cheated on me because I wasn't providing the sexual intimacy they felt they needed. I would much rather break up. Not knowing about it doesn't make it better somehow.

 

If I found out years down the road, I would feel heartbroken and betrayed. I would wonder if my partner ever really loved me. No amount of "But I was feeling neglected in our relationship," would make me feel better about my partner knowingly choosing to sleep with someone else. It's an unfathomably large breach of trust.

 

"But what if you never found out?" you say. I mean... why is that even a counterpoint? I'm so glad I would be happy in a relationship unknowingly built on lies. SO glad, guys.

When I was younger I felt exactly this way.  Over time my priorities have shifted and my focus had gotten more practical.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

The choice is between (1) definitely not being miserable and probably keeping the positive parts of your status quo, and (2) possibly still being miserable and losing many positive parts of your status quo.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

How is removal of sex a betrayal of trust?  I can see how it would be a problem in other ways but I don’t see how it’s a trust issue unless the ace willfully lied about it to “trap” the partner (and that doesn’t seem to be a common scenario here).

Because monogamous relationships, and explicitly in marriage, imply sex, unless otherwise stated, just as they imply emotional support, etc. When something as fundamental as that is unilaterally withdrawn, you don't feel you can trust anything else is permanent either.

 

This can equally apply to fidelity.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Grimalkin

I feel like you're either going to have a partner who tolerates cheating- at which point they either feel terrible about themselves or it's not really cheating because they are permissive- or one who would be devastated. I wouldn't want to risk my partner being the one who would be devastated.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...