Flirting, feelings, fitting in?

[EmVi]

Hi all! I just recently 'came out' (I guess) to my friends about being somewhere in the realm of ace. I thought I best identified as gray asexual, but the more I learn, the more comfortable I become with the identity- yet also the more confused. So I'm hoping someone can help!

 

I'm recently single from a long-term relationship that, at the beginning, was very sexual. However, as time progressed I found myself less and less interested in sex to the point where I prefer to avoid it altogether, not just with my boyfriend, but I have little to no interest in it with anyone.

 

With relationships, I appreciate companionship and moments of romantic interaction.

 

However, my confusion comes from interacting with others that I have some level of attraction/interest in, and if I have a sense they reciprocate that interest. I've been told I have a vivid imagination when it comes to ideas and fantasies of sexual events- but these mostly come from joking banter with friends and rarely provide me any feelings of a sexual nature, they're mostly just fun to come up with. Occasionally, when I interact with people I find interesting I can also be a very confident flirt and enjoy a little physical, sensual touching, I enjoy being considered attractive to others, and I am sometimes comfortable with certain physical acts such as kissing/making out- but I never want sex. 

 

When I flirt it feels more like a game for tension and to see who can be more clever, and to have some fun with someone I'm interested in. However, I am also a fairly direct person with my intentions so these instances rarely encourage expectation beyond a simple moment of fun.

 

I'm just trying to gain some more understanding of how I can best describe myself, so hopefully all of that makes sense! Thanks!

[Grimalkin]

I'm fairly similar. I always wish I was able to "flirt" with people without it meaning anything. I love banter and wit and teasing. I like being seen as attractive, even if I don't really want sex. I'm just a naturally bubbly person and I'm drawn to charismatic, flirty people. I would surround myself with "actor types" all the time if I could.

 

I'm straight-up fine with physical touch to an extent. I'm heteromantic, and sensual touch, aesthetic attraction- it's all there. The only thing I don't like is the actual sex, and even them, I'm not repulsed by it. I just don't desire it and would rather be doing anything else. Also, it confused me for a time in my past relationships because at the beginning I thought I was eager for sex- but it turned out I was just excited to be close with this new person, and the sex itself wasn't really what I was looking for.

 

I think you've described yourself as a socially adjusted, fairly outgoing person who happens to be asexual.

[Mr. Quickhands]

I mean you've just described me to a T as well, minus the imagination of sexual events haha. I get treating flirting as a game of tension, though; tension is my favorite part. Maybe there's some kind of connection between that and why I like high tension roles in sports/work, but I don't see it as connected directly to my asexuality. The only part of what you said that matters relative to that is, "I have little to no interest in [sex] with anyone". There are plenty of asexuals like us that like romance and flirting and touch and have aesthetic attraction to people, just like there are plenty of aces that don't like any of that under any circumstances. There's as much variance in personality traits in asexuals as there are in allos.

 

As for how to describe yourself, I think you did fine. I mean if someone asks you can say you're a "-romantic asexual" or just "asexual" or "grey asexual" or whatever you connect with the most. Or you can tell them nothing, or you can tell them just a little bit. And if you want you can weave everything you just said into a conversation. A label doesn't have to be something you have to put on a dossier that gets handed to people at every party you ever walk into. If somebody's flirting with you and thinks it's an invitation for sex, then they are wrong and that's their problem. If they ignore the fact that it's not an invitation for sex, that's a whole other story and they're a criminal.

 

TL;DR Be asexual and flirt shamelessly; be as direct or quiet about your intentions as you want. If it's not their thing, they'll leave you alone. If they want to know more, they'll ask you and you can explain. The ace police won't come for you, and the allos [probably] won't get their pitchforks and torches.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

You might find this post helpful if you haven't read it already,

[squaggly]

I'm pretty good at coming up with intense, graphic sex scenes that would even make intense BDSM lovers uncomfortable in doing, but I just do it to be outrageous and funny too.

 

I also have the same experience with coming out of a relationship that started sexual, but ended because I couldn't keep up anymore. It started as, "well this isn't that bad, I can deal with it," but as time went on, it started to cause some mental issues on my side and I tried to avoid it all together. Of course this comes across as me not loving the person, and apparently the only thing you should do in that situation is add more sex. It wasn't until after this relationship that I started to reexplore the idea of asexuality.

 

In terms of physical stuff, hugs are great, kissing is fine within reason, person, and depending on the time, and sex is off the table.

 

Really the only difference is that you do flirting, and I don't.

 

 

I am not really 100% on what gray ace means, but I think if you never want sex, it would probably just be asexual for you. Since you said you like the romance part, you could be a ~~romantic asexual (replace the ~~ with whatever seems right; hetero, homo, etc.)

 

I hope you can find out soon, and I hope this helps! Also, it's okay to be wrong. You'll never know for sure if you are correct, and it's okay to acknowledge you made a mistake. The worst thing to do is stick with something because you don't want to admit it isn't you.