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when people around you keep having sex (and tell you about it)


wayward_zombie

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wayward_zombie

Let me just say that I'm really not sex repulsed, not at all. Actually I'm kinda curious about it and would like to try it too. BUT, sometimes I drag myself down pretty easily and compare my experiences with others, like with my friends this week. One of them told me she lost her virginity and had like tons of sex in two days and now she has a boyfriend she met through tinder and the other just told me she met with an old friend yesterday and they banged. Just like that. Like oh hey long time no see let's bang? And she took the pill today just in case. And I'm like??? I really don't get it.

 

How you can have sex that easily and wanting to do things with people that often and managing to have boyfriends and stuff all the time I just don't get it and I get sad sometimes. Even feel like a failure, I don't know. Like I feel like I need to do something soon cause being 20 without having sex or relationships makes me a loser which I know isn't like that cause there's nothing wrong with it! But like yknow I'm feeling a lot of pressure I'm putting on myself lately and it's making super upset too and I hate it cause I feel like I'm desperate and out of time when I really shouldn't be. 

 

Sorry little rant T_T but like please do tell if you ever went through this or some tips if you want? Maybe it could help someone else too 

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NickyTannock

@wayward_zombie I don't think I can say anything that will help. I'm 33, and I've never had or desired sex or a relationship.

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Sometimes you gotta take a step back and put things in perspective. Here we are, a bunch of monkeys hurtling through space on a watery dirt orb, and yet we're SO certain that anyone who hasn't had sex after a certain age is a mega-loser.

 

Like... why? Is losing your virginity really the be-all and end-all of existence? Why does it make you weird if you don't couple up at every opportunity?

 

Do it in your own time, if you want to do it at all. The key is to act confident about your decisions. If you're secure in yourself (or at least pretend to be), if you don't go out of your way to try and prove yourself right, if you're not defensive, if you just take things as they come, people assume you know what you're doing and they leave you alone. If someone badgers you about why you're not dating anyone, say you don't feel like it right now/haven't met the right person/don't want to. If they ask why, just shrug. "Why not?"

 

It sounds like your friends are very excited to be dating/having sex. It's still relatively new and they want to talk about it. But generally this dies down with age, as people realize there's more to life than sex. They say sex is only important when you're not getting it.

 

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This is part of why I don't spend more time around people than I have to.

 

Honestly, there's something wrong with people who have casual sex so don't feel like you're the weirdo.

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wayward_zombie

@Moon Spirit ☽ there's nothing wrong with casual sex, I just let it get me down sometimes cause I don't experience things the same way as others since I'm ace and sometimes all this obsession with sex is exhausting but like if someone want to have sex casually from time to time I don't think there's anything wrong with it, even though I'll probably never feel that way

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47 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

It sounds like your friends are very excited to be dating/having sex. It's still relatively new and they want to talk about it. But generally this dies down with age, as people realize there's more to life than sex.

That's probably one of the reasons my friends didn't talk constantly about sex. I've always had friends older than me. I didn't have regular friends until I was in my 30's. Now everybody seems younger than me. Perhaps young people don't talk about sex with older people. 

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50 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

Funny little fact about people who boast too much, especially with sex, most of it is usually BS.

Or they might be telling the truth. Having a lot of sex doesn't really mean much because people who have a lot of sex are not necessarily sleeping with high-quality people.

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AspieAlly613
2 hours ago, wayward_zombie said:

Let me just say that I'm really not sex repulsed, not at all. Actually I'm kinda curious about it and would like to try it too. BUT, sometimes I drag myself down pretty easily and compare my experiences with others, like with my friends this week. One of them told me she lost her virginity and had like tons of sex in two days and now she has a boyfriend she met through tinder and the other just told me she met with an old friend yesterday and they banged. Just like that. Like oh hey long time no see let's bang? And she took the pill today just in case. And I'm like??? I really don't get it.

 

How you can have sex that easily and wanting to do things with people that often and managing to have boyfriends and stuff all the time I just don't get it and I get sad sometimes. Even feel like a failure, I don't know. Like I feel like I need to do something soon cause being 20 without having sex or relationships makes me a loser which I know isn't like that cause there's nothing wrong with it! But like yknow I'm feeling a lot of pressure I'm putting on myself lately and it's making super upset too and I hate it cause I feel like I'm desperate and out of time when I really shouldn't be. 

 

Sorry little rant T_T but like please do tell if you ever went through this or some tips if you want? Maybe it could help someone else too 

If I'm interpreting your post correctly, there are two things you're posting about.  First, there's the bewilderment about the culture of having sex so indiscriminantly.  Second, there's the matter of feeling like a failure for never having sex.  I'd like to address those issues separately.

 

I should clarify that I'm 30 years old, heterosexual, heteroromantic, a virgin, waiting to have sex until I'm married for religious reasons, and have never felt romantic attraction, though I believe myself capable of feeling romantic attraction should the right circumstances ever occur.

 

Regarding the culture of casual sex, if it's an activity you both enjoy (and most people find it enjoyable) then for many people the mindset is "why treat this as any different than any other activity we both enjoy?"  The only difference is that it's considered inappropriate to ask about it explicitly, so instead the interaction may go something like this:  TMI WARNING!!!  You may deliberately choose to hang out at your place or his, as opposed to a public area.  You may rest your arm around his back, or he may rest his around yours, looking for behavioral indication that you are uncomfortable with it, comfortable, or want more.  An arm around the back can become cuddling, which can become  kissing, then over-the-clothes petting, then under-the-clothes/without clothes, then sexual contact.  That's just one example of the way this sort of contact can progress.  It's not scripted like that.  It's important to know when your partner is communicating a desire for more, or a desire to stop.

 

THE TMI WARNING IS OVER.  THE REST OF THE POST IS OF A MORE TAME NATURE

 

Regarding the feelings of failure/inadequacy over not having sex yet, you've already talked about why this idea is irrational, so I won't reiterate that.  I will add one perspective that may explain where the notion comes from and why it doesn't apply.  It is often presumed that everyone without a monogamous sexual partner wants to have sex with around the same fraction of the population and that one's level of sexual activity is dependent on the ability to seduce those people.  For an ace or a demisexual, this whole premise falls apart.

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Bronztrooper
4 hours ago, wayward_zombie said:

How you can have sex that easily and wanting to do things with people that often and managing to have boyfriends and stuff all the time I just don't get it and I get sad sometimes.

I've wondered that as well, but since none of my friends/family (at least, family that I'm in regular contact with, which is just everyone that lives in the same place as me) really participate in casual sex, much less talk about it, I don't have it on my mind much.  I mean, I can kind of get that people do enjoy it, I just don't understand the 'why' behind it.  But then, maybe I've got that 'Old FashionedTM' mindset when it comes to sex and relationships in that I think that sex shouldn't really be a super-casual thing, but at the same time, I also think that it's stupid to treat it as a taboo thing when most people participate in the act in the first place.

 

As for the "feeling like a failure" thing, I've never really worried about what people think about what I do or don't do behind closed doors because really, it's none of their business.  There's no real reason to worry about that kind of stuff because in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter how many times you've had sex in the same way that it doesn't matter how much money you have.  In the end, everyone ends up going to the same place.

 

Anyway, I'd suggest either dropping hints towards your friends that you don't want to hear about their sex lives, or outright tell them.  Or, if it gets bad enough for you, try to find some new friends.  Wish I could help more.

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6 hours ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

Or they might be telling the truth. Having a lot of sex doesn't really mean much because people who have a lot of sex are not necessarily sleeping with high-quality people.

That's something you really can't know.  

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wayward_zombie

@AspieAlly613 thanks for the tmi warning xD I get why people do that actually but like even if I felt like it I would feel extremely uncomfortable trying to do those things with someone yknow? Aaaah I don't really like body closeness that much sometimes I can't even stand it with friends and family imagine going around making around with people ugh blea

@Bronztrooper thank you I usually don't caer either but like in the last year after so many things happened around me that idk why I'm feeling so much pressure and comparing myself to others, I usually don't give a damn that's also why I'm mad at myself cause like who cares about sex ugh I hate our society sometimes. I'm really hoping I will be able to find some friends once I move out to study in a bit so let's hope 🤞thanks!! 

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When I was younger (in my 20s) yes sex was discussed a lot by male friends and co-workers (I've always worked in factories). At a certain point/age the topic more less disappeared from conversation.

 

However about ten years ago a male friend in his 40s who was VERY sexual (and I heard about it all the time to my dismay) convinced me to sign up on Facebook.

 

This may not be true in his case but I have to agree with Moon Spirit in that the vast majority of his friends were female and I'll just leave it at that.

 

A year or so later I tried to contact him via Messenger and he had closed his account. Later he said it was causing him problems. You think?

 

Anyway at my age 56, I really have no interest in sexual intercourse as I feel with my lack of experience (I'm still a virgin) the 'encounter' would likely be a horrible experience for both me and my partner. 

 

 

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As someone who only recently began to explore the possibility that i am asexual it helped me put a lot of my feelings in context. It's important to not compare yourself to other people when their motivations and core desires are vastly different from your own. I used to think i was missing out on something, and that once I had that first time i would regret not having pursued it sooner. Now I realize I should have been more sure of myself and thought about what I wanted without worrying about how that compared the the average person. Sorry if I made that a little personal but I'm just trying to say that you should examine what you want, not the people around you.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I think that it's disrespectful to the partner to talk about sex with someone else. Just my age and upbringing kicking in...but then again, anyone having casual sex would have been ostracised in my community!😆

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10 hours ago, Sally said:

That's something you really can't know.  

Yup, that's why I said that they aren't necessarily sleeping with decent people, not that they most definitely aren't.

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Bronztrooper
7 hours ago, Adam Taurus said:

* snip *

Ok, completely off-topic, but are you a RWBY fan?

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2 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

Ok, completely off-topic, but are you a RWBY fan?

Yeah I am. I started using this as my go to anonymous screen name at some point when my obsession with the show was at its highest.

 

 

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Bronztrooper
37 minutes ago, Adam Taurus said:

Yeah I am. I started using this as my go to anonymous screen name at some point when my obsession with the show was at its highest.

So long as you don't try to live up to it, there shouldn't be any problems 😝

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I’ve always been the odd one out since I have zero relationship experience even at age 24 (and don’t really desire it in the first place). Thankfully, I never really had to deal with listening to everyone’s sexual exploits. People tend to learn pretty quickly that I don’t really care about that stuff (the dead fish look in my eyes and my overtly bored demeanor whenever conversation drifts there probably gives it away 😅). I don’t really begrudge people doing what they please (I reserve the right to disapprove of stuff like choosing partners carelessly, cheating, or just whoring oneself out to desperately find/preserve a relationship) cause it’s just like any other activity, but I’m not gonna pretend like I’m interested in hearing about it.

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