Why "come out" regarding asexuality?

[ikkashe]

Ok. I know this is a stupid question, but I am genuinely curious here. In my mind, being asexual is super nice because I can be myself without anyone knowing or caring about my identity. For example, if I were homosexual, the only way I could find a partner would be by letting the world know about my preference, but this would open myself up to a large amount of ridicule by certain groups of society. I would need to "come out" to my family and friends about it at some point, and after that point, there wouldn't really be a way to turn back.

 

With asexuality, though... There is no inherent benefit for "coming out." It's a bit awkward when people get the wrong idea and think I am flirting with them, but that's not the biggest deal. I just need to sit them down and be honest with them when I can. Even during those conversations, I am hesitant to mention that I am asexual and instead say, "I am incapable of being in a relationship because I am not romantically attracted towards other people."

 

I just don't see a reason to say, "Yo. I'm ace." I tried it before and people are always super confused about it. It's easier to just give people the definition and avoid the term "asexual" entirely. It avoids confusion and allows me to avoid ridicule from social groups who may prey on the LGBT+ community.

Ultimately, I am curious about how many people have "come out" regarding asexuality and to what degree their asexuality is known. What are the advantages and disadvantages in terms of making asexuality known?

Sorry again for the stupid question here.

[Grimalkin]

Curiously, I think the biggest reason to come out is to get people to stop badgering you.

 

All my life I've told my parents how much I want to get married and have kids; now that I've discovered I'm asexual, finding someone compatible will be that much harder, and they may start to wonder why I keep turning down these seemingly perfect guys.

 

I'm part of a lot of male-dominated social groups and I'm not the worst-looking person, so I get quite a lot of romantic attention. I let people know I'm asexual so that it (theoretically) puts a stop to their romantic ideas before they begin.

 

Until I "came out" to my friends, they were very keen to set me up with amazing guys they know. Now they tone it down and keep an eye out for guys who seem asexual or low libido.

 

Generally though, I don't let my asexuality define me. I tell people if it seems important to tell them. But it's just another aspect of me, and it doesn't need to be at the forefront of all my conversations.

[NickyTannock]

@ikkashe In my case, I'm only out as Asexual to my friends and online and don't plan on coming out to my family.

My family are very conservative to the point of scoffing at the LGBT+ community.
My friends, on the other hand, are generally accepting.

[wayward_zombie]

It's not stupid! Personally I feel like I would really love to come out to people but asexuality is still not known enough and there's so much stigma around it that I don't even trust my lgbt friends to be honest. Im trying to educate them on it and see out they react first cause I think it would be pretty liberating, people always think there's something wrong with me for not showing that much interest in sex and stuff. I'm trying to come out as pan first, I think that's definitely more doable and people would understand better hopefully and then I'll move to the ace thing if I will feel like it? I don't kkow to be honest, it bothers me that you still have to come out in 2018 and people can't just be chill about all that like it's nothing

[Zsareph]

Asexual=/= Aromantic. There are plenty of asexuals who want romantic relationships, which makes coming out to partners necessary, as most people will assume a romantic relationship will involve sex and will be pretty confused and upset if their partner doesn't want that. As Grimalkin said, coming out can also get people to stop bothering you about finding a partner. Some people may also just not like being assumed to be straight, especially if people around them are often trying to get them to discuss sex and relationships (while it can be awkward being the openly asexual person in these types of conversations, it can also be equally awkward having to pretend to understand or be interested in something you're not).  Being out also increases visibility for asexuality. The more people who know what the term means, the more people will understand it, reducing harmful stereotypes and letting asexual people know the name of their orientation. Without that, people can think there's something medically or psychologically wrong with themselves or others because it just isn't seen as normal. 

[Norellia]

I only came out to my mom, my brother, and my two other asexual friend. Although technically I have done several asexuality presentations at my college so I guess I am "out" at school? I kinda wish I didn't come out to my mom and brother, at least with the way that I did. I told my mom immediately after I discovered asexuality and I assumed because she was ok with lesbians and gays she would be fine with that. So I kinda just wish I waited until later in my 20's to tell her when I knew more about asexuality to do it same with my brother. It made sense to tell my friends I was asexual cause one I knew for nine years and trusted and turned out she was asexual and then my other friend just straight up asked me what my orientation was and I told her and turned out she was also asexual. Then obviously I was open about being asexual to do the asexuality presentations at my school to help raise awareness and get rid of misconceptions about asexuality. Overall I would like to be completely out to the rest of my family in about five years. The main reason for this is I am the only girl in my family so everyone ALWAYS talks about how excited they are for my wedding (which I mean still could happen but ya...).

[bare_trees]

Ever since I realized I fall on the ace spectrum, I've told everyone I've dated for any real length of time, because if it bothers them, the relationship needs to end, obviously.  I told my current boyfriend of 5 years very early on.  That said, it doesn't always help.  Many years ago, when I first became aware of asexuality, I came out as asexual to the girl I was seeing at the time.  She said she felt the same way, and I thought Great!  Turned out she was aromantic, which I'm not at all.  She hadn't really come to terms with it, though, so she in her defense, she didn't know to "come out" as aro.  We mistakenly thought we had the same or similar orientations and that resulted in a lot of hurt feelings and a bad breakup.

 

I also came out to my mom and one of my siblings years ago...that was just kind of a waste.  It didn't make me feel better, and they wrote it off as a "phase."  I would imagine it's helpful for some, but it didn't do much for me.

[squaggly]

I haven't come out and I don't see a reason to come out. No one has asked me out either. I don't see a reason to for me yet, but I do agree with that coming out would make people stop questioning you about it a lot. If I need that, I guess I'll do it.

Also, sexuality isn't something that we talk about much, at least in where I am, so it would seem a bit odd for me to bring it up just so I can say, "For your information, I don't want to have sex with anyone." To me that seems like if done wrong, it can come across as narcissistic and implying that you think the other person would want to have sex with you.

 

Edit: I actually did come out to an ex, because she didn't like that I wasn't being sexual enough for her. I came out after we broke up, and I didn't know I was ace until then. Coming out was more to put her mind at ease about us, but it seemed to do the exact opposite because now she thinks I hate her even more than she did before.

[XIII]

I "came out" to three people. The fourth person found out on their own when I bought a silicone bracelet with the ace flag on it. One of the three I told was because he was my boyfriend at the time and I wanted it to be clear that I was never going to sleep with him. I told my mom so that she wouldn't badger me in the future and I told my friend because I trust her and didn't want to keep it from her. 

[will123]

I've come out to two people (not family). The first was more or less to make a 'public' statement about my asexuality and hoping that person would tone down the sex talk. Sex talk (dirty jokes, discussion about porn, young guys getting laid)  has never really bothered me, but coming from a person in their 50s is a bit annoying.

[daveb]

It's definitely a personal decision, and everyone has their own reasons for coming out or not coming out. I have come out to some people that I am close to (like certain family members), so they don't wonder why I'm not dating or think I'm either having sex or worry that I'm not having it and missing it. 

[Guest]

The point of coming out is to spread awareness, because most people are in the dark as to the existence of asexuality. I choose not to come out because there is too much risk at this point in time, though.

[Madao]

I have 'technically' come out to only my sister since she actually understands. However, I don't think my coming out will be taken seriously, since people here don't discuss who they have slept with and sex in general. Like others said above, it's just to keep people away from trying to set you up with someone or to make it clear to them why you are so uninterested about such things. 

[ikkashe]

Oh, this is some good discussion!

I guess I always thought "coming out" meant that you were open with anyone who asks about your sexual preferences, not that you just tell everyone on the street that you are ace. I guess in some sense, I have already come out to a few people. It's just that every time I try to tell people, they always give me that awkward, pitiful stare, as if thinking, "You poor thing," "You are clearly making this up," or (worse) "They are clearly not attractive enough to find a partner and are making up excuses."

 

At least the other branches of the LGBT+ community are known. If I say I'm homosexual or bisexual, people understand. Ace, though... That's somehow foreign. People just refuse to believe it's a thing.

A few people have mentioned "misconceptions about asexuality" and I wonder what that means, in particular. What misconceptions are there?

In terms of spreading awareness, I thought the LGBT+ community did a pretty good job of incorporating asexuality into their curriculum, so I feel like "coming out" as an individual still won't help (unless I am a big youtuber or something).

[Techie]

I've only "come out" to a few people because as a single male in my 50's, there were few friends who felt I needed to be paired up with nice middle aged women in order to be happy (in their minds). I felt it was necessary to explain why I was a lifelong bachelor and why trying to get me involved with someone would only lead to that person's ultimate unhappiness. To be honest, the idea of being loved and cared about by someone who is not related to me genetically (ie. family) is intriguing, as I have never experienced it, but overall knowing my own limitations, the risk/reward ratio does not work for me.

[weedyt]

Although I've only very recently discovered the world of asexuality, I've been aware of it in myself for some time. I've been wondering off and on about coming out to my family, but one of the things that puts me off is where to even begin! Growing up in a pretty 'ordinary' rural area, I'm not sure if they're even aware of asexuality (Dad certainly isn't, I think he's just about okay with the idea of homosexuality but would probably struggle, tbh, if I told him I was anything other than hetero - he's not bigoted, just quite old fashioned and wouldn't really know what to do with it!)

While I'm very close to my brother, and would have told my mum in a heartbeat, my sister-in-law and the rest of the family aren't so open - I dread the "look":

6 hours ago, ikkashe said:

that awkward, pitiful stare, as if thinking, "You poor thing," "You are clearly making this up," or (worse) "They are clearly not attractive enough to find a partner and are making up excuses."

I guess I'd be interested to know if anyone else has faced coming out to people who have absolutely no idea about asexuality and how they did it?

[erratic]

It’s a personal thing. It depends how important being out is to your own sense of identity. To me, as long as I know who I am and I have people I can talk to if I need to it doesn’t bother me not being ‘out’. I’ve told my mum, my sister, and 3 friends, but haven’t brought it up otherwise. On the rare occasion someone asks about my love life I usually just say ‘I’m not interested’ and leave it at that. I am planning on going to pride next year though and potentially getting an ace ring or low-key patches or pins for my jacket and bag.

[squaggly]

12 hours ago, ikkashe said:

A few people have mentioned "misconceptions about asexuality" and I wonder what that means, in particular. What misconceptions are there?

Things like,

asexual=aromantic

their parts don't work

they want a relationship but are too scared to admit it

they had a bad experience in a relationship and are scared to go back

[thenightowl]

Personally I wouldn't feel the need to actually come out, but that's also cos my few friends do have other topics to talk about and also because i'm not repulsed when the topic is brought up (unless they go over the top). I guess people just assume I keep stuff to myself and I have a whole sex/romantic life I don't tell them about and they don't bother too much. For those who are really repulsed that's a totally different story I guess...

Still, I am considering telling a friend (I'm not even entirely sure "who" yet) just out of curiosity, as in show them some comments in here maybe and ask something along the line of "is that really how you "normal" people work? cos well...I don't think I do." (I still refuse to believe some of the things said on this forum are "normal" human behaviours and not some exaggeration just for the sake of laughing, I need an actual trusted human to give me confirmation)

One thing I would most likely never do is telling parents, they just wouldn't understand and it would be pointless (no hate, just actual not understanding), also it would absolutely NOT help in getting my mother off my back with the whole "I want grandkids" thing, and it would just trigger a whole lot of guilt-trips.

 

(also new here, first post, hello people!🦉)

[squaggly]

12 hours ago, ikkashe said:

In terms of spreading awareness, I thought the LGBT+ community did a pretty good job of incorporating asexuality into their curriculum, so I feel like "coming out" as an individual still won't help (unless I am a big youtuber or something).

Even though it's more well known, it's invisible to most people.

Some people only know the abbreviation as LGBT

some people think the A at the end stands for allies

There are a few places I've seen that absolutely hate asexuality and advertise it as special snowflakes who are mentally ill (a good amount of these were from pro-LGBT places too).

 

Any exposure is good exposure, and we need more I think.

[ikkashe]

@squaggly Thanks for the clarification. I think the `asexual == aromantic` issue is probably the most problematic for aces because I am sure that has lead to some pretty difficult relationship-related issues. That said, I know quite a few people who think I'm asexual because I couldn't find a relationship (or something along those lines). Also: I was actually under the impression that the "A" in LGBTQA was for "Allies" too. I guess you learn something new every day!

I would be interested in seeing the places that "hate asexuality and advertise it as special snowflakes who are mentally ill." The most religious people I know are often the least welcoming to the LGBT+ community, but they are usually fine with the idea of asexuality when I bring it up. It's one of those "No harm, no foul" types of things. I think people definitely look down on me as a person when they find out I identify as asexual; however, they have no problem if I just say, "Look. I am just not interested in a relationship."

 

Honestly, I have always thought asexuals don't fit very well with the rest of the LGBT+ community, simply because asexuals are sometimes sex-repulsed, while the LGBT+ community is often very sex-positive. I actually tend to find it easier to hang out with heavily religious people than LGBT+ folk simply because the conversation is usually more genuine and less focused on sexual innuendo with religious people.

[squaggly]

1 hour ago, ikkashe said:

Honestly, I have always thought asexuals don't fit very well with the rest of the LGBT+ community, simply because asexuals are sometimes sex-repulsed, while the LGBT+ community is often very sex-positive. I actually tend to find it easier to hang out with heavily religious people than LGBT+ folk simply because the conversation is usually more genuine and less focused on sexual innuendo with religious people.

Agreed. Also from my experience the LGBT communities are more likely to get mad at you. I'll go see if I can find some of those websites.

[squaggly]

The ones I found were mentioned on AVEN somewhere, and I don't know where to find them. This has a decent summary of the more mainstream stuff, but the things I saw I think were better at showing it. https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3385530

I'll keep looking though.

[squaggly]

okay I found a good example. Read at your own risk. 

Spoiler

https://cisphobiaintreal.tumblr.com/

There are definitely a good amount worse than this, but I don't want to keep looking.

[Skycaptain]

@thenightowl, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[ikkashe]

8 hours ago, squaggly said:

okay I found a good example. Read at your own risk. 

  Hide contents

https://cisphobiaintreal.tumblr.com/

There are definitely a good amount worse than this, but I don't want to keep looking.

 

9 hours ago, squaggly said:

The ones I found were mentioned on AVEN somewhere, and I don't know where to find them. This has a decent summary of the more mainstream stuff, but the things I saw I think were better at showing it. https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3385530

I'll keep looking though.

 

To be honest, I don't disagree with the logic. LGBT+ folk are ostracised for the exact opposite reason that aces are. People also have a much stronger reaction to homosexuality (for example) than asexuality. With the homosexual community, people are really angry. With asexuals, people are mostly confused.

 

I really don't mind asexuality being something different entirely than the LGBT+ community; however, I would argue that asexuality should be discussed at the same time other orientations are. In my case, the world made so much more sense when I found this community. Everything just kinda "clicked," and for the first time I thought, "I don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. I can just be myself." That was a powerful realization and one I could have come to a lot sooner if I had known asexuality existed.

I understand that aces do not suffer as much harassment as other orientations, but we are at least allies with them. Really, I just want asexuality to get a bit more visibility, and I think everyone here agrees. I mean, just look at the conversation in this thread. One of the main reasons people want to "come out" is for visibility.

I don't know. I think this community is cool. Aces are cool. I am glad there are people like me out there. I just want more people to know that if they don't want a relationship, that's perfectly okay.

[squaggly]

I personally don't even want to associate with the LGBT community a lot of times because of bad experiences with them. The best way to make someone not support you is by showing you despise them.

[Noko42]

I know demisexuals and gray-aces sometimes get kicked from the LGBT+ asexual groups because they’re “not true asexuals, just people wanting to be seen as special”. I don’t need to be seen as part of their community but I still support them and want to increase peoples understanding of the asexual spectrum.

[(NotSo)DirtyDiana]

Isn't Tumblr generally a cesspool of immature, adolescent hatred? I could be wrong, I've admittedly never used it. But what kids say on the internet is irrelevant to me. I don't care if we're LGBT or not. If there is hostility between some members of the LGBT community and aces, then maybe we should stay out, we have each other. 

 

I've considered coming out to my best friends, but I don't know how to bring it up, and how to explain it. One friend enjoys sex and it was one of the reasons she lost her feelings for her ex boyfriend, when there was insufficient sex. The other talks about how much she likes spanking, so I'm just like... how do I explain I like nothing? And that I would rather not be touched. They might think I'm afraid of sex and I wonder if that's valid for me. They might apologise to me every time they talk about sex and spanking etc - actually one of them definitely would say sorry. I don't want to be apologised to! Keep telling me your tales of car sex and a spank for every goal on the football. 

 

Maybe it depends on the person. We should come out if we feel it would be beneficial in the friendship. I'm not sure if it would be beneficial in mine or completely pointless. 

[gnostalgick]

So far I'm only 'out' to maybe 4 people (though I didn't think it was important to identify as anything at all before January).  My most recent ex, who made me that despite being relatively sex positive, almost all my previous relationships were probably doomed from the start because of this.  Right before I let a new friend sleep over at my place so we could continue talking without her having to drive back the the suburbs exhausted.  And in response to a former crush/now acquaintance's facebook post talking about platonic relationships (only one other person I've actually met commented on that).