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Domestic Violence and Asexuality TW, thread contains discussion of domestic violence situations


Fantine

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Hi. I am a victim of d.v.  I survived. I was not going to have my children go through childhood in a d.v. situation, so I took them and went all the way.  I was told If I left I would be found and killed HA. Proved him wrong. Anyway looking back over my life I realised that I am asexual and I was wondering if it took anyone else out there a long time to realise they were asexual or am I just the only blind one.

 

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Anthracite_Impreza

I'm sorry for what you went through, but I'm glad you got out of there. I was abused as a child, physically, emotionally and mentally, but I was already very against the idea of sex and romantic relationships before then so I don't think it contributed. There are people older than you who have only just realised they're ace so you're not the only one. It's a matter of lack of knowledge, nothing about your character or intelligence.

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ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø

@Fantine Hello! Welcome to heAVEN! There's an infinite amount of :cake: here, so feel free to take as much as you want!

 

I've never endured domestic violence, but it does sound tragic. I'm glad you made it out alive (literally and metaphorically), though! It can be seen as a blessing in disguise because one could learn some valuable life lessons from the experience. If I may ask, what life lessons did you learn from it?

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Before I knew I was Ace, I dated a jerk who threatened to kill me.  I told him I would leave him, and he said, "You'll never leave me.  You can't live five minutes without me.  You'll just come crawling back."  I never let him back in my life.  He married someone else.  God help her.

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I am so grateful for the support. Thank you. It has been a weird life. Hindsight is 20/20. I would have done so many different things, if only I knew. Does anyone ever have a thought like this in their head: "what was I thinking?' I grew up in Orange County, Ca (Newport Beach) but behind those beautiful front doors in the beautiful big house I lived in a beautiful was hell. And in the hell was me, living in the bushes outside my house so I wouldn't have to hear the screaming. I was raised a strict catholic. My dad beating my mom my mom screaming and eventually killing herself when I was a senior in high school. My father also beat my siblings right in front of me.  Funny thing is, he has never missed one Sunday of church, I suppose he thinks God will forgive him if he keeps going to church. The second I graduated from High School I went to college and ended up marrying somebody I wasn't even attracted to, wasn't my type at all and I think I was desperate to create a happy family setting where children could go to bed at night and snuggle up against their pillow, feeling safe, something I never had.  Suddenly I was living in my second hell. Very close escape, by the skin of my teeth, or we would be dead. My two children and I.  Suddenly a single parent, working 3 jobs to raise my children, never once considering dating. I chalked it up to being too busy to do anything but teach, raise my children, and be both mother and father. Now that they are almost grown it all makes sense - I am asexual!!! Holy Cow!! That's the reason why when dating as a teen I never gave in to my boyfriends asking for sex! That is why I had sex with my husband, to have children! That is why I have never considered dating in the last 18 years,😮 I am ASEXUAL!!! It actually took me 35 years to figure this out??????? It has always baffled me why everyone always made such a big deal about people having sex, not me I could care less.  I work out, take care of my appearance, but for what? I am not trying to attract anyone. I AM SO CONFUSED. It would be so perfect if there was someone out there (man or woman) who just believe in curling up on the couch as besties and watching a movie, then going to bed and snuggling but no sex! That would be so great. But that is not the kind of world we live in.  I have been through so much more than I can say, I have survived rape, being kidnapped, fighting the U.S. Gov. and winning, setting legal precedents, being held captive. . .  and it took me all this time to realise there is a reason for me being like this!  I just read what I typed...apologies for being boring.

 

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This is the 1st time in my life I have ever been on a chat room or in a chat room! It feels awkward. I have been toying with the idea that I am asexual and then the other day, it just hit me like a brick wall-OMG! I REALLY AM ASEXUAL! I never actually took it seriously. I just thought I chose to not date because I became a single mother. It never occurred to me that there was actually a reason that I wasn't dating. I got married an had children at 23, had to run for my life due to a very bad marriage, and lo and behold LITERALLY 20 YEARS LATER since my ex, i am wondering if I am asexual. Gee, I think it would have hit me during the 20 years! Now in my 40s I know. To: Thylacine, I am glad you survived that jerk!

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6 hours ago, The Angel of Eternity said:

@Fantine Hello! Welcome to heAVEN! There's an infinite amount of :cake: here, so feel free to take as much as you want!

 

I've never endured domestic violence, but it does sound tragic. I'm glad you made it out alive (literally and metaphorically), though! It can be seen as a blessing in disguise because one could learn some valuable life lessons from the experience. If I may ask, what life lessons did you learn from it?

I have learned to try, and I do mean try to appreciate every little orange slice I eat, while I am eating it, without worrying about the next slice. To enjoy life while sitting in traffic, to know that I am never alone, to see beauty where there is none. To find kindness in someone who appears to be heartless, to give to those in need without regretting it later, to love and respect each and every person that crosses my path.  To not tell myself that this reply sounds really stupid!  To love myself, no matter how hard it is.

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ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø
1 hour ago, Fantine said:

I have learned to try, and I do mean try to appreciate every little orange slice I eat, while I am eating it, without worrying about the next slice. To enjoy life while sitting in traffic, to know that I am never alone, to see beauty where there is none. To find kindness in someone who appears to be heartless, to give to those in need without regretting it later, to love and respect each and every person that crosses my path.  To not tell myself that this reply sounds really stupid!  To love myself, no matter how hard it is.

Thank you. Those are some of the harder lessons, I believe. But you can learn them!

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Anthracite_Impreza
8 hours ago, Fantine said:

I am so grateful for the support. Thank you. It has been a weird life. Hindsight is 20/20. I would have done so many different things, if only I knew. Does anyone ever have a thought like this in their head: "what was I thinking?' I grew up in Orange County, Ca (Newport Beach) but behind those beautiful front doors in the beautiful big house I lived in a beautiful was hell. And in the hell was me, living in the bushes outside my house so I wouldn't have to hear the screaming. I was raised a strict catholic. My dad beating my mom my mom screaming and eventually killing herself when I was a senior in high school. My father also beat my siblings right in front of me.  Funny thing is, he has never missed one Sunday of church, I suppose he thinks God will forgive him if he keeps going to church. The second I graduated from High School I went to college and ended up marrying somebody I wasn't even attracted to, wasn't my type at all and I think I was desperate to create a happy family setting where children could go to bed at night and snuggle up against their pillow, feeling safe, something I never had.  Suddenly I was living in my second hell. Very close escape, by the skin of my teeth, or we would be dead. My two children and I.  Suddenly a single parent, working 3 jobs to raise my children, never once considering dating. I chalked it up to being too busy to do anything but teach, raise my children, and be both mother and father. Now that they are almost grown it all makes sense - I am asexual!!! Holy Cow!! That's the reason why when dating as a teen I never gave in to my boyfriends asking for sex! That is why I had sex with my husband, to have children! That is why I have never considered dating in the last 18 years,😮 I am ASEXUAL!!! It actually took me 35 years to figure this out??????? It has always baffled me why everyone always made such a big deal about people having sex, not me I could care less.  I work out, take care of my appearance, but for what? I am not trying to attract anyone. I AM SO CONFUSED. It would be so perfect if there was someone out there (man or woman) who just believe in curling up on the couch as besties and watching a movie, then going to bed and snuggling but no sex! That would be so great. But that is not the kind of world we live in.  I have been through so much more than I can say, I have survived rape, being kidnapped, fighting the U.S. Gov. and winning, setting legal precedents, being held captive. . .  and it took me all this time to realise there is a reason for me being like this!  I just read what I typed...apologies for being boring.

 

That is many things, boring isn't one of them...

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Hi, @Fantine!

 

A lot of people with a lot less going on in their lives than you’ve had were as slow or slower to recognize their own asexuality... especially older people who grew up in a time where asexuality wasn’t really recognized or understood.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Yes , I'm with @ryn2 on this one. As someone who survived a brutal 8 month marriage, looking back on it, if I'd known that I was ace I'd never have  been there that long. If I hadn't gotten pregnant I'd have probably stayed too long.

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Well, the thing is, is the marriage was perfect for the first ten years. It is just that I thought he was perfect. I worked hard every day and so did he. Something triggered him and it turned him into a monster in the 13th yr of the marriage. I brought in law enforcement, counselors, and the second I sensed danger I tried for 6 months to help him, all while protecting my new baby and my 2 yr old. I feel like I need to defend myself but I don't know why. I am not one of those women who stuck around and let their children live in a bad situation. That is my point. I left before my children were exposed to any negativity. In six months time I had escaped with my two children and have since won my fight, set a legal precedent for domestic violence victims that, at least in 1 state, can actually do things that make it impossible for them to be tracked, legally. I fought hard for two years and won. I do not understand women who stay in a situation like that and let their children grow up in a horrible way of life. I took charge, protected my children, and the d.v. places are still using our story as a template to train d.v. shelters.  I did all this while at first, never hearing the term 'domestic violence.  I would be more specific, but I don't know who you people are and what your intentions are.  The end.

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Also, I agree with chandrakirti, not only did I never hear the word 'domestic violence' but I certainly never heard of 'asexual' but I am glad I have my 2 children and the word 'asexual didn't even exist yet! 

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Gee, wow Fantine...  that's quite a story.  But I'm a paralegal and I've worked divorce cases and a lot of marriages are absolutely horrible...  you are not alone, let me tell you that.  Okay?  You are not alone!  Welcome to Aven.

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Thank you for telling me I am not alone!  It feels sooooo amazing that I can put a label on my way of thinking! I did not know that there was anybody out there like me at all! ANYONE!!!!  I thought everyone was obsessed with sex and I was just some weird strange person that did not like sex, at all.  I wish I could thank somebody, anybody for giving it a name! I don't think that there is necessarily anything wrong with me anymore. . . . . right????

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There's nothing wrong with you. You are not alone.

 

Altho I wasn't married when I was abused/attacked/whatever, he was my boyfriend, it took me almost 10 years to talk about it. The last 4 years of therapy and wondering why I don't want sex or to be touched ... and then to find this site and realize I'm ok to not want sex and that it's ok to not want sexual anything and there are people that will accept me for that... I don't know what I am but I like the support here and I can relate to so many things I read here. 

 

No you are not alone.

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It is so very nice to read the supportive posts that I read regarding dv and the different sexual types and how it is ok to speak out about who we are and to know that there are other people out there who understand. This is the first chat room I have ever been on and I am looking forward to chatting with people without judgment and possibly be able to help others and/or be helped by others. For the last 18 years of being completely alone while raising my children and surviving a nightmare of a marriage, the two times I did try and date turned out very badly. The first attempt ended up in being a stalker and the second ended in, well just picture the worst thing that could happen to a female on a date and then never making it back home. After that, I stopped even thinking about the opposite sex and thought I may be gay. Then I thought I was too busy with teaching and caring for sick people WRONG...no interest. So here I am after raising children......alone.  :(   Now my children are grown, I am left standing and wondering-who am I?

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

There's nothing at all wrong with you @Fantine , in fact you're very courageous, as are all people who pick up their lives from scratch after DV.

That was my sentiment too...'I'm not going to expose my baby to this nonsense!' It was the turning point for me. I plotted my escape carefully with my mother who lived in another country, about 500 miles away, and luckily I found out enough background to the perp that he was removed from the UK. 

 

There's a whole new tomorrow out there! That's how I felt on 20/11/90. It's been tough, but I'm now reaping the rewards of all my hard work. So will you! 😊🍰

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@chandrakirti - You  are very lucky to have had a family member help you.  I had to say goodbye to a very large family due to the circumstances I had to disappear forever and everyone I have ever known thought I fell off the face of the earth in the year 2000, give or take.  I had a dda as a very good friend and we had law enforcement help us escape, went on a plane, went to a new state, just my two children and myself without knowing a soul, so it was literally starting a new life from scratch.  Our experiences and what we survived have been used to help a lot of victims, so I suppose my path change had a positive outcome. Keeping us safe and teaching safety were my entire life. I threw myself into working as a single mom and focusing on them. Now they are grown and it's as if my life has had the brakes put on. Everything just stopped. I have had extensive surgery done on my feet and won't be able to walk for another year. There is more time for me now.....only I don't know who that is. I don't expect an answer, this one I am going to have to figure out on my own...

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@Fantine Welcome to AVEN! :) :cake: 

 

I'm glad you survived, and are rebuilding your life, getting to know who you really are.

 

@thylacine Good thing you are out of that marriage. I know this may be a very loaded question but, from your perspective as a paralegal, why does the violence happen? Especially if they are really nice people to begin with, what goes wrong? I ask because one of my relatives is a total gentleman outside of the context of marriage, but let him marry someone, and suddenly he wants to maim and kill her. What gives?

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Bookworm:  Re:  why does the violence happen?  I would have to say that people don't really change after they are married, they were probably and most likely already rotten to begin with.  Once they figure they have got you trapped (i.e. married and / or financially dependent) , then their real personality comes out.  The person who asked me to marry him, everyone thought he was a gentlemen, because in public, he was very polite.  But when you were alone with him, and no one else was around, he would turn vicious.  Some people are just manipulative like that and that's just the way they are.  You can't change them, you can only get away from them as fast as you can.

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@Ardoise  I want to thank you for saying I am courageous! I have been told that for ten years by d.v. places, d.v. coalitions, and the head of a d.v. coalition that has known me for 23 years. I have been asked to write a book, I have been asked at least 75 times by dv places to write a book. But my ghostwriter is not able to help me do it yet. And, obviously, there are certain things that must be done for the book to go out.  I feel like I am very lucky because I have wonderful children who I have kept safe until now (even with new identities/ssns-disconnected) you have to be very careful. Being both mother and father was an amazingly successful experience and the people that I look up to, the ones that have mentored me over my life for the last 18 years tell me that I am the most courageous woman they have ever met. The reason I say this is not to toot my own horn but to wonder why they think that. Wouldn't anyone go through heaven and hell to keep their children safe and sound and loved? My children still thank me for never dating and never having a stranger in the house so I wouldn't change anything or have any regrets. I will wait for the new chapter of my life. I apologize for rambling, I am told it is a symptom of PTSD.  Much love to all.

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Thylacine- I have seen hundreds of extreme dv cases and every single time the circumstance are the same.  The abuser makes sure you are dependent on them and they convince your family that they are the perfect person. Because I disappeared, he turned my entire family against me, I never contacted them but the district attorney used his private investigator to keep track of them so I knew they were safe. After the escape I had a few dreams where I truly believe there was divine intervention. A dream warned me my abuser was coming home unexpectedly. If I hadn't been warned I would have died from electrocution or from being thrown out of a 3rd story window. A dream warned me to leave and when to escape. A dream told me to go to a certain place to be safe and then drive 300 miles the next week and stay there. Later I found out that my abuser was in the opposite area I was in each and every time.  A dream told me to go.  When I ran out of money an Angel appeared to me in a dream again and told me to go to a specific phone booth and wait, I did having my faith tested while crying.  A cab pulled up in it and a guy asked me if I was in need of assistance. I was driving a new car so he had no reason to ask me this, but he did.  He offered me and my two children to stay at his apt. for a week because he was a cab driver and was out all night and my children and I could sleep there, we just had to leave when he got there in the morning. Normally I would have NEVER EVER EVER said yes, but I had faith that the dream came from God and I was never harmed. He was kind and we stayed there for a week. Why did this happen? I would like to think it was an angel. I was told to read certain bible verses at the end of each dream, a dream told me to hang a crucifix in the room where I was almost killed. And someone named Haniel who just happen to show up at my gym, he had never been there before (my fitness trainer asked the front desk) I went down in the empty offices downstairs of the fitness gym and cried and suddenly he appeared with 2 bottles of water, one for me. he just appeared there as I sobbed and he fed us at a restaurant and spent all day with me and my 2 kids  for 8 hours get emergency cash at a Welfare office (I knew nothing about Welfare)  when the kids got rowdy as we waited he took me out to parking lot in the middle of an industrial area and opened the trunk of his brand new car. We walked to his car and he opened the trunk where there was nothing but two brand new toys, one each, age appropriate for my kids.  Then he walked out the door (the Welfare office was packed and in the middle of an industrial area) he walked out the door when my kids complained they were hungry again and turned right around and walked back in. I thought he forgot something but he was already holding a holder with 4 ice cream cones and everyone asked him where on earth did he find those and why weren't they melted? He just smiled and didn't answer. There were no places to eat or diners or liquor stores for blocks.  Also, I wondered why someone would go to so much trouble to help a girl and her 2 kids. When I asked him why he was helping me he said "Oh, I am just a social worker" but at the end of the day, he just disappeared. I mean he disappeared, in one second right after I looked away. The next week I was supposed to go to a meeting with someone in the Welfare Office where they cut me the emergency check for $782.00 and I found out that that Welfare office never existed! I drove back to the area and it was just an industrial place. When I called the Welfare Dept. they got impatient with me and said "I don't know who gave you a check, we do not do 'emergency cash!' they said that it takes 90 days to even get emergency food stamps!" they said "we don't even have a machine that cuts checks!" so I knew then that someone from above helped me. I would think I was crazy but two weeks after this i live  with the Deputy District Attorney and his wife and his in their house for a year and they kept telling me that they thought there were 'Angels around me' because of a light or something that appeared on my face every time I read the bible.  They were my good friends and they witnessed the entire thing.  Who knows why these things happen but I really hope there is someone watching out for all of us. I still wonder about my sanity. But all of what I typed did happen and I have never really told anyone.   God bless.

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On 8/15/2018 at 1:42 AM, Fantine said:

I am so grateful for the support. Thank you. It has been a weird life. Hindsight is 20/20. I would have done so many different things, if only I knew. Does anyone ever have a thought like this in their head: "what was I thinking?' I grew up in Orange County, Ca (Newport Beach) but behind those beautiful front doors in the beautiful big house I lived in a beautiful was hell. And in the hell was me, living in the bushes outside my house so I wouldn't have to hear the screaming. I was raised a strict catholic. My dad beating my mom my mom screaming and eventually killing herself when I was a senior in high school. My father also beat my siblings right in front of me.  Funny thing is, he has never missed one Sunday of church, I suppose he thinks God will forgive him if he keeps going to church. The second I graduated from High School I went to college and ended up marrying somebody I wasn't even attracted to, wasn't my type at all and I think I was desperate to create a happy family setting where children could go to bed at night and snuggle up against their pillow, feeling safe, something I never had.  Suddenly I was living in my second hell. Very close escape, by the skin of my teeth, or we would be dead. My two children and I.  Suddenly a single parent, working 3 jobs to raise my children, never once considering dating. I chalked it up to being too busy to do anything but teach, raise my children, and be both mother and father. Now that they are almost grown it all makes sense - I am asexual!!! Holy Cow!! That's the reason why when dating as a teen I never gave in to my boyfriends asking for sex! That is why I had sex with my husband, to have children! That is why I have never considered dating in the last 18 years,😮 I am ASEXUAL!!! It actually took me 35 years to figure this out??????? It has always baffled me why everyone always made such a big deal about people having sex, not me I could care less.  I work out, take care of my appearance, but for what? I am not trying to attract anyone. I AM SO CONFUSED. It would be so perfect if there was someone out there (man or woman) who just believe in curling up on the couch as besties and watching a movie, then going to bed and snuggling but no sex! That would be so great. But that is not the kind of world we live in.  I have been through so much more than I can say, I have survived rape, being kidnapped, fighting the U.S. Gov. and winning, setting legal precedents, being held captive. . .  and it took me all this time to realise there is a reason for me being like this!  I just read what I typed...apologies for being boring.

 

This is the first time I've written on here, I'm not quite sure how it works.

 

I can definitely relate to discovering all this when older, I'm just beginning to get my head around it, though I'm still in the not totally sure phase. I'm nearly 58, totally different experiences to you, but I've spent so long thinking/ being told my sexual problems due to trauma, I've spent so much time/ money on trying to fix this, now I'm beginning to feel better, I like the idea of nothing to fix

 

I've just listened to talk by founder of this site  about friendship and deep connections, may be helpful to you too as this was something I thought I was missing through not connecting sexually

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I have not dated in a very long time. I have acquaintances, no friends. I was too busy being a single mom with 3 jobs and no dating, which equals no support system. I have my children and a  but no close friends.  It sucks because when you are in your late 40s and you stop working due to certain recent surgeries I have had, there is no one to talk to. We just moved for the 3 time in 18 years, in a new place and we know no one. My daughter has PTSD and agoraphobia so we don't go out much, just shopping. Daytime tv sucks!  I want to start volunteering at a new church (we were the child care for our last church) but we have not found a good fit yet.  Also, as I have already stated, this is the first chat room I have ever had the guts to go on.  I went back tp school just to be around people but that is about it.  I hope the people here are kind, patient and understanding. Have a good evening :) 

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Hi @Fantine, I too am a survivor of DV (although there are many days I do not feel like a survivor) who is also realizing later in life that I am asexual as opposed to "broken".  My story is similar yet different as all are... it took me 12 years to realize that I was in an abusive relationship and as my awareness grew the violence against myself and my son escalated.  Fortunately, I have an excellent employer who assisted in my exodus as I too was becoming more and more isolated from family and friends. I know that had I not left when I did I would not be here today. It's been 9 years since my son and I had to start over and as I continue to work through the long term effects of depression and anxiety stemming from PTSD I am also finally becoming more comfortable in my own skin and with the fact that I am asexual.  I look forward to interacting with other folks who "get me" as opposed to being perplexed by the way I am.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 8/28/2018 at 10:15 AM, UrbanNerd said:

Hi @Fantine, I too am a survivor of DV (although there are many days I do not feel like a survivor) who is also realizing later in life that I am asexual as opposed to "broken".  My story is similar yet different as all are... it took me 12 years to realize that I was in an abusive relationship and as my awareness grew the violence against myself and my son escalated.  Fortunately, I have an excellent employer who assisted in my exodus as I too was becoming more and more isolated from family and friends. I know that had I not left when I did I would not be here today. It's been 9 years since my son and I had to start over and as I continue to work through the long term effects of depression and anxiety stemming from PTSD I am also finally becoming more comfortable in my own skin and with the fact that I am asexual.  I look forward to interacting with other folks who "get me" as opposed to being perplexed by the way I am.

Hello UrbanNerd. It has taken me a couple of weeks to read your post. I want to thank you for what you said.  I am having a very difficult time 'in my own skin' even as I am typing this to you. For many, many years my ambition, my motivation, my reason for living, all was to raise my children and keep them safe and us all alive until this very day.  I felt that I was broken for the last 3 years until I learned that there are people out there that are like me, asexual. I had an employer and worked at a school district with kids and then after school childcare, but I have since been put on disability for severe social anxiety, depression and PTSD. Now that I am living in a new place with one of my kids and am not working there is no way to get out and meet people where I live. It really is an uncomfortable situation for me.  Even though I am not a senior citizen YET, I feel that I am older than I actually am because I have had surgeries on both of my feet and have not been able to get around very well for the last 3 years. We have lived in this new place for 4 years.  I apologize for the rambling, I am told it is a symptom of PTSD.  I was very much alive and vibrant (not dating for more years than I can count, and not wanting to date) and working and my children grew up. So this was accomplished, 2 beautiful children, one of which is happily married, one who is attending university.  I no longer have a place in life. I need to start a new chapter. I am afraid to go out, I am afraid of people because they have always ended up hurting me. Yes I am in therapy and no I am not on psychiatric meds. I am afraid of them because my mother committed suicide when she was on meds for depression.  I wish there was a way to push a reset button for this next chapter of my life.  I wish you luck and am very happy that you are ok.  God Bless

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