personalJaysus Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 I think I'm about to become an Asex Tourist. A bit of background: I had a rough upbringing to put it mildly and as a result and probably due to some predisposition I turned out fairly asexual. I also didn't have any friends until I met a girl, and got infatuated because I could actually relate to her and vice-versa, to some degree. Long story short we stayed together for 20 years and basically had a miserable, sexless marriage. She finally left when I gave her permission to have a boyfriend - cuckold me essentially. From the moment we agreed, it all folded up very quickly and within 2 weeks she was gone. I got the reports straight away - she was having sex 3-5 times a day for days on end. This went on for several months until I guess she got it out of her system. I've tried online dating but my heart's not in it. I've had a few brief relationships but I'm just marrying my friends all over again. The thing is I actually like women, sexually. Just not as much as they like me. A funny thing happened too - over time, since she left, I'm far less disgusted by female genitalia. I'm almost ok with it. I have other issues - depression, ptsd, lack of friends, job, etc,.... but sexual activity always made me feel better. Kissing especially. I just don't really want to have intercourse. Or oral sex. So,.... Thailand, or more specifically Bangkok. I'm at a dead end creatively (I'm supposed to be a musician or something) and bored out of my brain in Australia and feel like I need a holiday. Lots of research later and I'm off in 3 weeks for a short (2 week) trip. To the sex capital of the world. What am I doing? I have a few goals - among them are trying to be intimate with women without the pressure to have sex or perform. In Thailand they have Soapies and 'massage' joints. It's all very seedy but I have a plan to try to experience women in a safe environment where I get to set the boundaries. I'm going to do lots of non-sexual things too but I'd be lying if I said the soapy part wasn't a major factor. I'm going to try to practise mindfulness and self-reflection around my inevitable aversion, disgust, anxiety and see if I can grow from the experience and bring back some insights or skills to help me with dating. I'd like to hear people's thoughts and experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 I personally don't see a problem with this. Just be careful not to push yourself too far. It's one thing to go on an adventure and experiment a little, but it's another thing entirely to press on when you're deeply uncomfortable. If something doesn't feel right to you, trust your instincts and stop. I would also recommend that you don't try to throw yourself right back into dating afterwards. It can be tempting, but you mentioned a lack of friends and I would work on that first. Join a meetup group (I recommend board games!) or get involved in the community. I say this because it's too tempting to make your SO your one and only, and it can be a bit of a strain on them if they're the only one you are emotionally or mentally intimate with. See if you can become comfortable with yourself and your (a)sexuality before you try too hard to find a partner. Edit: Oh, also, welcome! I didn't even realize which board we were in. Link to post Share on other sites
personalJaysus Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 All good points. It's been 12 months and I have gotten past the stage of just dating anyone who'll have me. I'm taking a solid break from all that and have knocked back a few which was really hard at first. I've joined a few meetups and stuck with 2 that are more or less my tribe. I've also been on facebook chatting in groups. Haven't really made any friends but I've made some good acquaintances. I've learned a lot about narcissism and codependency too. Enough to cut connections as soon as they turn psycho. I'd like to hear if you or anyone knows what 'sexual chemistry' is. The PUA videos and other vague explanations just don't cut it for me. And I wonder how or if it's possible between an asexual and a normie. I mean how does an asexual male walk up to a woman at a bar and say: "You're lovely and I really don't want to have sex with you". Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Now speaking as an asexual I'm just guessing but I've always assumed sexual chemistry involves actual sex, and it's when both you and the partner are highly sexually compatible, not just in kinks and fetishes, but in responses and enthusiasm. It's when you're so incredibly attracted to your partner that you feel this all-consuming desire to be in them/on them/with them. You have a blast having sex with them because they just seem to "get" you. Everything just works. It's like regular chemistry with a person. You love spending time with them, you have all these great inside jokes, nothing ever feels forced or awkward. You look forward to hanging out with them and conversation flows naturally. So that, but with sex. So in that sense, I would say people in asexual/allosexual relationships are unlikely to ever have exactly the same sort of sexual chemistry that two allosexual people do. In my last relationship, I would have sex with my boyfriend, and I would mostly lay back and think of England, but I acted very responsive and enthused. In that sense, it worked because he was very into it even if I wasn't, and it made him happy. The chemistry was manufactured but it worked. The thing is with asexuals and dating, it basically comes down to two options. Either you date an allosexual person and you compromise by having sex, or you date somebody who for whatever reason doesn't desire sex as well. The latter is harder to find, though you have a slight advantage there by being an "older" male, because women are (theoretically) more likely to be asexual, and also sexual desire tends to drop in older women. Trust me when I say not to get into a relationship with a regular sexual person if you're not willing to have sex on a kind of schedule, because they will feel unloved if they don't get the sexual intimacy they desire. Now, with dating, I recommend asking someone out on a date first and then explaining the asexuality business to them over a cup of coffee. Expect rejection. Most people want sex. Women in particular may have a hard to understanding that you don't desire sex, because they've been wrongly taught that men want sex all the time. Some of the more anxious women will wonder if something is wrong with them because you don't "want them in that way". If you can't convince them, or if they feel they can "fix" you, move on. That shows they're not a good listener. There are asexual dating sites out there that may help. They don't tend to be very active, mostly because a lot of people are unaware of asexuality still and many don't realize they're asexual. But it's worth a shot. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Thai sex business is slavery. Probably also in places where women don't actually have sex with their customers, such as massage parlors. Actually, my opinion is that the vast majority of sex business is slavery. A statistic I've found: 89% of women in prostitution would like to quit if they could. This business is, in my opinion, inherently destructive, even for the rare people who do it out of their own will. I will never become pro-sex-work. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 I'm not convinced that Thailand is a good place to do this. I have no objections to paying for sex, but the Thailand sex business has a really ugly underside, including underage prostitutes etc. Most major cities have a sex trade and many would be safer, if more expensive than Thailand. I have mixed feelings about the sex trade. I think people have the right to sell sex if they want, and the higher end of the trade seems fine with me. (high end call girls earn a lot more per hour than I do), but the low end has a lot of abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said: A statistic I've found: 89% of women in prostitution would like to quit if they could. I wonder what the numbers are for other occupations. Retail comes to mind... @personalJaysus You might get sex, but I guess you won't find intimacy... Link to post Share on other sites
iam135 Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Welcome to AVEN personalJaysus! I don't have any good advice for you, but I do have cake: I don't know anything about the sex business (in Thailand or otherwise) but I do enjoy hearing about people's travels. You mentioned briefly that you are planning to do other, non-sexual things in Thailand, so I'd love to hear more about that if you wouldn't mind sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 1 hour ago, Homer said: I wonder what the numbers are for other occupations. Retail comes to mind... @personalJaysus You might get sex, but I guess you won't find intimacy... An important reminder. The things you experience in Thailand won't be accurate to "real life" experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 @personalJaysus Welcome to AVEN! You say that you like women sexually, but you've included kissing in that and excluded intercourse or oral, so maybe you like women sensually? Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted August 15, 2018 Share Posted August 15, 2018 Welcome! As @MichaelTannock has said, maybe you’re experiencing more sensual and platonic affection than romantic. This could help you understand it https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729 Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted August 15, 2018 Share Posted August 15, 2018 1 hour ago, Lichley said: Welcome! As @MichaelTannock has said, maybe you’re experiencing more sensual and platonic affection than romantic. This could help you understand it https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729 Ouch, jis chake jusht makesh my mouth water... (I can't shpeak properly becaushe my mouth ish watering. ) Link to post Share on other sites
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