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In conversation with my ace


anamikanon

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I've learned to be explicit with my husband. I have many ways of doing so, from being frank to making suggestive jokes. Since he's actively working on the flirting, both giving and receiving, that's been fun. But I do worry that when I'm as frank and playful as I'm capable of, I worry it still makes him uncomfortable. 😕

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anisotrophic
2 minutes ago, InProgress said:

But I do worry that when I'm as frank and playful as I'm capable of, I worry it still makes him uncomfortable. 😕

I did too! Because me hitting on him used to stress him out a lot – probably because it was a source of upset from me, I was yearning for reciprocal desire. I do check in a lot & make it clear that the "shower" is always an option! (air quotes on shower)

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Telecaster68

When my wife and I were remotely at that stage, I guess one of the reasons I didn't explicitly ask was that I read her nonresponsiveness to my initiating as her just not wanting sex, so what would the point be in getting a verbal version of the rejection? 

 

She later claimed not to have realised I was initiating, even though previously she did respond to exactly the same moves. When we did get to discussing it, she took months of conversations before she countenanced agreeing anything at all, and then it was starfishing (again, not previously starfished, but now claimed to have entirely forgotten what sex involved). So forgive my skepticism, and I'm pretty sure I made the right call from the start and would've been better off not flogging a dead horse. 

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

When my wife and I were remotely at that stage, I guess one of the reasons I didn't explicitly ask was that I read her nonresponsiveness to my initiating as her just not wanting sex, so what would the point be in getting a verbal version of the rejection? 

If you’d known that then, for sure, would you have stuck it out as long?

 

If nothing else you would at least have known where you stood rather than dealing with mixed messages, guesswork, etc.

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Telecaster68

I was very clear I was being rejected at each individual instance. It takes time for a pattern of rejection to emerge, and then for it to be clear that each successive reason for stress etc is in fact not the underlying reason, and then for the glacial pace of discussions to reveal it's functionally asexuality, then for me to figure out if anything can be done....etc.

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I think this is where conversation really helps.

7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I was very clear I was being rejected at each individual instance. It takes time for a pattern of rejection to emerge, and then for it to be clear that each successive reason for stress etc is in fact not the underlying reason, and then for the glacial pace of discussions to reveal it's functionally asexuality, then for me to figure out if anything can be done....etc.

With my ace, the actual process of identifying as asexual was as simple as him mentioning the word, it sounding about right, me googling it up (and thankfully finding AVEN too) and realizing that he'd nailed it and I was doomed. lol. Literally fifteen minutes of conversation.

 

But that came on the back of countless conversations where he'd described his idea of sex, and what didn't work for him. Instances I'd noted and immediately questioned of him acting like he didn't want sex even when he said he did and so on. Inexplicable falling asleep in the middle of sex without an orgasm.... and his baffling responses that he was just tired.... "So you went from hard on to snoring?" "Yeah, the climax isn't a big deal. I was just sleepy. Sorry." (you have to be a sexual with no idea of asexuality to fully appreciate the surrealness of this one. Oh wait, some of you were...) So that one word literally triggered an avalanche of connections in my mind and yep. That was it. We just hadn't found the word and realized the implications.

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Telecaster68

Oh we had discussions and over months, she said most of the stuff that I later found in the generic 'amI asexual?' threads on AVEN. I asked her if she thought she might be asexual, and she shrugged and said 'maybe'. She has a lot of ties with the local LGBT community, on the Pride committee etc., so she knew what it meant. Any conversation about this stuff could be no longer than 15 minutes and only returned to about every three weeks. She closed down if I pushed it. So she wasn't *quite* not communicating, but keeping it to the bare minimum where she could half realistically say she wasnt totally clamming up... 

 

Hence me getting wound up by no engagement, I guess. 

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anisotrophic
34 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

We just hadn't found the word and realized the implications.

God, yeah. The way everything falls together.

(For us, it was my LGBTQIA+ therapist – for gender, but that pivoted fast – suggesting it in our second session, cue me spending an evening on the internet going, holy sh--)

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