Broke up, realized I’m aro. How do I deal?

[ebebebi]

I’ve been wondering if I’m ace for a while (background info: early 20s, cisgender woman, has been romantically involved with men/women since 16) but after breaking up with my girlfriend, I’ve realized I’m also aro. It was a huge realization but this forum has really helped even though I’m still a bit lost. Reading the posts on this forum has been so so so immensely relieving, to know that there are other people who feel similarly to how I’ve been feeling for years has taken a load off my shoulders. Thank you. 

 

As an avid reader since childhood, I’ve always cherished the idea of love and passion. Love seemed to drive everything, and love was written as a world-changing experience that could drive people to madness. I desperately wanted that since I was a child. But as I got older, I never once felt the earth shaking when I held hands with my boyfriend, or the desperate need to see him. I was so preoccupied with achieving what society deemed to be the most important thing in life that I didn’t realize that I was miserable in relationships. I would feel trapped and uncomfortable, kissing, sex, and shows of affection filled me with dread, and I would break up after a few weeks with no feelings other than overwhelming relief. 

 

For a year or so I didn’t date anyone or have sex and that year was one of the best of my life. I realized I might be asexual, and did my research and felt that it fit. I told one of my closest friends and she said that it’s fine, she loves me no matter what. She loves me romantically and eventually we agreed to try dating (without sex, but with pretty much everything else). That brings me to the current issue. 

 

I thought I was ace, but I realize now that I might not even be ace but I am aromantic. 1000000%. She was the most understanding partner I could ever have, but the fact that she loved me so much (romantically) filled me with so much dread, I felt like I was being suffocated. She called me her girlfriend, and she wanted me to call her my girlfriend, she told her friends that she loves me, she wanted me to kiss her, she wanted to cuddle, she said she could see our future together. I hated everything about it. 

 

Before we formally called it a relationship, and instead said we were friends, I had NO problem calling her every day, hugging her, making future plans with her. But after she wanted us to be in a quite traditional relationship where she frequently told me that she loved me, I felt like I wanted to die. Everything would fill me with dread and I no longer saw a future with her. I realize how unfair this was, so I broke it off yesterday. I hate typing this out, but even losing a friend as close as her is overshadowed by my relief of getting out of that romantic prison. And this isn’t the first time, EVERY remotely romantic relationship I’ve had ended this way, with me breaking it off and feeling free despite losing someone I thought was important to me. Am I just an awful and unfeeling person???

 

Yesterday I searched up aromanticism and something inside me clicked. I feel both a sense of belonging and a profound sense of loneliness. I was fine thinking that I was ace and could still love romantically, but the realization that I will never be able to love someone the way they could love me is A Lot. How can I come to terms with “missing out” on something people say is so amazing????? How can I be okay with being single (and happy) while the world around me tells me I’m incomplete, and I simply haven’t found The One???? I’ve been told since I was a little girl that love is the goal of everyone’s life and even though I know relationships make me miserable, I can’t shake the feeling off that I should need one. If I can’t even feel comfortable in a sexless relationship, how can I have a life partner? I don’t know if I want one but I would still have liked to have the option. I feel so so so lost. 

 

Sorry for the word vomit. If you read this whole horribly written thing I’m immensely grateful. I really would appreciate any experiences of your own, or advice on how to deal with this sudden realization. 

[ryn2]

17 minutes ago, ebebebi said:

For a year or so I didn’t date anyone or have sex and that year was one of the best of my life.

 

18 minutes ago, ebebebi said:

How can I be okay with being single (and happy) while the world around me tells me I’m incomplete, and I simply haven’t found The One????

I don’t mean to trivialize your adjustment, because discovering your longstanding expectations no longer fit (and perhaps never did) is challenging and distressing and not easy to accept, but I think you have found The One whose company makes your life complete and happy.

 

It’s you.

 

You don’t sound the least bit awful.  You were honest with your friend to the best of your ability at the start, and you ended things once it became clear a romantic relationship between the two of you wasn’t working.

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

[ebebebi]

22 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

 

I don’t mean to trivialize your adjustment, because discovering your longstanding expectations no longer fit (and perhaps never did) is challenging and distressing and not easy to accept, but I think you have found The One whose company makes your life complete and happy.

 

It’s you.

Thank you so much for this. I’ve never really thought of it like this, but now that I’m reflecting I realize that I really do enjoy my own company. I never realized that spending so much time alone could have been the reason I loved being completely single. I’m going to keep your words in my mind!! Thank you a lot.

 

10 minutes ago, TheAP said:

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

Oopsies... 

[Falafelphy]

As much as our society likes to emphasize the importance of romantic love, coming to terms with my aromanticism really made me reassess and realize that platonic love between friends can be really, really powerful as well. This person you just ended a relationship with seems to be an accepting person, and I would suggest going to her and explaining how you feel and what you're going through. It seems like you could still have a wonderful friendship, even if romance isn't something you're willing to have. You may someday decide you want a QPR (Queer Platonic Relationship; basically an official best friend), but for now I think it's time to really appreciate the familial and platonic love you have in your life. 

 

Remember: just because you're aromantic doesn't mean you are unable to love others.

[Galactic Turtle]

Pretty much everything that @Falafelphy said. I think people have been conditioned to see only two options: having a romantic partner you pledge yourself to for life or being completely alone which, if you think about it for two seconds, is really quite absurd and makes no sense. The single people of the world don't spend all day sitting by themselves in an underground bunker. You can have meaningful relationships that aren't romantic if you want to. You can have relationships that last a lifetime that aren't romantic.

 

There was a time when I assumed that it was inevitable that I would have to date and get married. I'm still surprised how shocked I was to realize for myself that these things aren't mandatory, that it won't make you less of a person for opting out. I've never dated, never once been interested in anyone "that way" but in my friends I see relationships that I hope will last for life. I see a group of people I can share my life with even if we don't move in and raise kids together constantly confessing our undying love for each other.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Little PSA for you, throughout 99% of human history romance hasn't been on the pedestal it currently is. In the stone ages, the tribe was the most important relationship you could have, through the iron age and classical period friendships were so strong blood brotherhoods were commonplace (friends often died for each other in battle), in the medieval period marriage was for procreation and as a political tool (romance had nothing to do with it).

 

There is currently a fad where romance is now seen as The Ultimate, but that's all it is - a fad. You don't need to follow what other people do, follow your own path.

[Karst]

I agree with @Anthracite_Impreza. Our society puts too much emphasis on romance, at the expense of platonic love for family and friends. People need more than one kind of emotional bond in their lives.

Though it may be hard, you have a right to live your life as you feel is best.

As the Wiccans put it, "and it harms none, do what you will."

[Zash]

Remember, you can't miss out on what you don't want.  Don't worry about society thinks, just do what you want.

 

Also, The One was a bad martial arts action flick.  You aren't missing much by not finding it.

[CatsClubsNCake]

Does anyone relate to wanting to have a romantic relationship, but not ever feeling the romantic attraction?

[Mona Lisa]

I'm really feeling this thread.

 

I had to break up with someone who had romantic feelings for me because I didn't have the same feelings, even though I liked and cared about that person. It was painful for both of us. I wanted to be able to love them! But I couldn't. I'm still not sure if it's because I'm aromantic or if they just weren't that person for me.

 

You can't make yourself love someone. I had to come to terms with that. I hope you make your peace with that, too, and love yourself first and foremost.