dragonharpy

I think I might be Grey

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dragonharpy

Hi! I've been doing a lot of research and questioning into the exact definition of my sexuality, and I wanted to see if maybe anybody could give me some advice, or at least help clear some things up for me. 

I'd always considered myself heterosexual, because I get sort of aroused by the sight of a cute boy. By "aroused" I mean that I feel warmth in the nether regions and... that’s it, really. No flushing, no racing heart, no throbbing, no sensitivity in other body parts, all of which is apparently what you are supposed to feel when you are sexually attracted to someone. I just get a warm feeling and a desire to make out with them. But, whenever I’m completely honest with myself, that’s as far as I’d like to go. The acts that most people would consider to be sexual acts I’m either indifferent to or disgust me. I’d like to kiss, cuddle, and make out and just enjoy the warm feeling below stairs. I masturbate too, and I enjoy that, but I don’t think of naked guys while I do it, which, I’ve been told, is what people that like guys usually do while masturbating. I might think of a guy’s face, but I usually don’t think of anything. I’ve never understood why people like porn either. I’m perfectly content with the idea of just having a romantic relationship with a boy, never having sex, and masturbating.

So, yeah. I guess you could say I feel sexual attraction but don’t have a desire for sex. I’ve been like this every since I was sixteen and starting feeling this way about boys. Before that, nothing. Going off of this, I thought I was just some kind of broken heterosexual. I didn’t hear about asexuality until college, and in some ways it fit, but I felt I couldn’t claim it because I still get aroused by guys. Then, recently, I discovered gray-a. I think it might fit, but I’m still sort of unsure and confused. A lot of definitions of grey-a say that you only feel sexual attraction rarely, whereas I feel it, I just don’t want to act on it the traditional way. And, since I still feel sexual arousal somewhat regularly, I wonder if it would be wrong to say I’m more asexual. Like I'd be an imposter. Maybe I’m more of a grey sexual than a grey asexual, but I don’t know if that’s really a thing. Either way, I feel like I’m in the in-between zone.

The main reason I’m posting this, though, is that I’ve felt kind of alone in this journey of self-discovery. The only people I’ve talked to about this IRL are my mom and my best friend, and the conversations were kind of… mixed. They both told me that I’d probably change my mind once I fell in love with someone, and that women just have lower sex drives than men. I mean, it’s possible, but it was kind of frustrating. Turning to the internet, I saw a bunch of people in similar situations get told that they were just sexually repressed. But, the thing is, I have no reason to be sexually repressed. I’ve never been through a trauma of that kind, and I wasn't raised to see sex as a bad thing. My mom has actually always been very open with talking to me about sex. And I’m in my mid-twenties, so it’s not like I’m just to young to be ready for it. 

Anyway, sorry this was so long. Are any of you the same as me? Anybody in similar situations? Maybe you can tell me if I sound asexual, grey sexual, or heterosexual. 

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Snao Cone

Ask yourself this: If your attraction to another person doesn't lead you to desire sex, is it sexual attraction?

 

A lot of people are attracted to people's aesthetic appearances, but may not ever want to have sex with that person. For some people it's about the individual, and they will move along with their lives to find someone who meets both criteria. But if you're asexual (or within the range of the asexual umbrella) the second criteria may simply never apply to you. It took me a while to figure that out for myself, but discovering asexuality and the asexual community has definitely helped me make sense out of it.

 

That's my response to your general situation, but I'm going to elaborate on a few specific sentences of yours:

 

1 hour ago, dragonharpy said:

I guess you could say I feel sexual attraction but don’t have a desire for sex.

That's the way I perceived myself at first. I like looking at people and thinking about them for what seems to be the same reasons that drive others to want to have sex with them. But if I don't want to have sex with them, then what makes it sexual? People of one sexual orientation may find the gender they're not sexually attracted to to be very attractive in another sense, and they may absolutely understand what is sexy about them. Think about the number of straight women or gay men who know what is sexy about women and may develop a very strong appreciation of that. In my case, I have an aesthetic appreciation for people of all genders or gender expressions, but I'm usually more partial to looking at people of a more masculine body but androgynous demeanor and appearance. And yet, because I don't intrinsically want sex at all, I don't want to have sex with them.

 

 

1 hour ago, dragonharpy said:

Going off of this, I thought I was just some kind of broken heterosexual.

I was in this boat for a long time. It took me until I was 30, when I started to reshape my perspective on what I should expect from myself and my life, that I started to shrug off the nagging sense of expectation to want sex.

 

 

2 hours ago, dragonharpy said:

And, since I still feel sexual arousal somewhat regularly, I wonder if it would be wrong to say I’m more asexual.

A lot of asexual people still have a libido, and may get aroused by particular things -- but, if those needs can be fully met without another person and there is never an inclination to have partnered sex, then you're not sexually oriented towards other people and thus still could be asexual.

 

 

2 hours ago, dragonharpy said:

Maybe I’m more of a grey sexual than a grey asexual, but I don’t know if that’s really a thing. Either way, I feel like I’m in the in-between zone.

A lot of people view the grey area as either very negligibly but still technically sexual, and so they'll call it grey sexual. Some people call it grey asexual because they want to emphasize that it's different enough to fit in more with the asexual community than the general sexual culture. Some people simply call it "grey" and think it's neither. While people use different terminology here, they're mostly talking about the same thing. (Of course, this is the internet and so people will argue to extreme minutiae of what words mean. :P)

 

Just know that no matter how you decide to classify yourself, you're absolutely welcome in the ace community if you relate to us and our experiences. You're not required to check off a box, either. If you go with a certain label now but decide to change it (or refine it or broaden it) as you learn more, then that is absolutely okay. Most people here have had to go through things like this, or will go through things like this, and that's why we have formed a community. :cake:

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dragonharpy
19 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

A lot of asexual people still have a libido, and may get aroused by particular things -- but, if those needs can be fully met without another person and there is never an inclination to have partnered sex, then you're not sexually oriented towards other people and thus still could be asexual.

 

 

I guess my confusion comes from the fact that I can get sort of aroused by looking at a guy I find aesthetically pleasing. That's actually the only way I can tell that I find him attractive. But I don't start thinking about banging him, I just look at him and feel warm down below. I always thought that that was what sexual attraction meant, but now I'm wondering if the "sexual attraction" I feel is different from actual sexual attraction. I can get aroused randomly as well by things I know I'm not sexually attracted too. But wouldn't arousal caused by someone's physical features be considered sexual attraction? I've heard of aesthetic attraction before, but it's always compared to looking at a beautiful painting. I don't feel aroused at looking at a beautiful painting, though, unless it's a painting of a cute guy. Otherwise, I just admire the painting. Is it sexual attraction, or is it something else?

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