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New to the term asexual, help?


Steph_Catherine

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Steph_Catherine

Howdy :) My name is Stephanie, I'm 23 and I live in Cardiff, UK. 

 

Not really sure where to start tbh but I think I've always been asexual but just not realised until this week. Basically, I've been seeing/talking to this guy for about a year and we're realising how different we are in terms of sexual desires. He wants to be very sexual and I just have very little interest in it. I certainly don't talk about it on a regular basis, it's rare I do and I certainly don't initiate that type of conversation either. Whereas he'd happily talk sexual everyday if I let it happen and that's really starting to get to both of us. I was discussing this with a friend a few nights ago and she gave me the term 'asexual' and wondered whether I identified with it. I've researched the term and other people's stories etc and I have to say, it makes a lot of sense. (I need to tell this guy all this, but I'm still trying to get my head round it myself) Can a relationship work with an asexual person and a sexual person? How do you compromise if I don't want sex and he does?

 

I've never been interested in sex. It grosses me out. When I was in school, I put it down to just being a late bloomer if you will but I'm 23 now and I still feel the same. I remember even in primary school, my classmates would talk about little sexual things (I'm talking late primary school, I'm aware it's weird for young kids to talk and joke about that sort of stuff) but when they did talk about these things, I just didn't get why they were talking about it and I got laughed at for not understanding. I don't like kissing. I've been kissed once and i hated it. I hate hearing the smoochy noises in public too. A couple were kissing every 5 seconds behind me on a train once and I was super grossed out. I'm not totally against sex but if I never experienced it, I wouldn't be upset. I don't see either gender as being sexual to me, if that makes sense? I'm straight, I know that much. But for example, someone might see a half naked man as hot, I don't. It's just a half naked human lol I don't enjoy being flirted with and I don't enjoy that sort of attention on myself. Flirting makes me feel super uncomfortable as I don't know what to say or how to react as I don't see the other like that.

 

I think I'm still trying to get my head wrong the term and identifying myself with it. Is 23 a bit late to realise this? I do feel like my life makes a whole lot more sense now but i don't know where to go from here. How do asexuals meet others and can an asexual relationship work? I'd be perfectly happy in a non physical/sexual relationship haha

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Steph_Catherine

I forgot to say a bit about me in general so here goes. Big Doctor Who fan (I moved to Cardiff this year because of the show). I visited Cardiff when I was 12 for the Doctor Who museum and the city stuck with me ever since. I love musicals, cats, arts and crafts, pinterest, solo adventures, reading, food :P  and Disney!

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Hi Steph,

I read your post and definitely relate to most of what you have said. I am 25 years old and have never experienced a fullfilling sexual relationship. Just this week I was speaking to a friend and I explained to her how I do not have that urge to be sexually intimate with anyone. I’m definitely a Romantic person and so when I have been in relationships I do like to be affectionate (hold hands, kiss, cuddle) but that is as far as it goes for me. She couldn’t understand how I don’t want to rip people’s clothes off but I just don’t get that feeling. For me, I see sex as something I’m really not fussed about. I see it like going to the cinema, it’s not my favourite thing to do and I would never go alone, but if a friend asked me to, I would for them.

I have only just realised that this actually  makes me different to many of my peers however, I fear this is where I am very different to other asexuals, I want to find other people sexually attractive. I want to experience what my friends experience, I would love to find myself in a loving sexual relationship but I am yet to read a forum where another asexually feels the same? This leaves me very confused.

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Steph_Catherine

I differ in the fact that I'm not very affectionate either. In my head, the idea of cuddling and holding hands sounds really cute but when it comes down to it, I like to have that personal bubble space, you know? I'm very new to this myself so I would have no idea what to identify you with on the asexual spectrum however, I get the impression from the research I've done that some asexuals do want to experience sex like yourself so maybe it's not so alien.

I would love a relationship one day but it's finding someone who is okay with the limited sexual desire I have. I love deep conversation and bonding with people on a much more personal level rather than a physical one.

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9 minutes ago, Steph_Catherine said:

I differ in the fact that I'm not very affectionate either. In my head, the idea of cuddling and holding hands sounds really cute but when it comes down to it, I like to have that personal bubble space, you know? I'm very new to this myself so I would have no idea what to identify you with on the asexual spectrum however, I get the impression from the research I've done that some asexuals do want to experience sex like yourself so maybe it's not so alien.

I would love a relationship one day but it's finding someone who is okay with the limited sexual desire I have. I love deep conversation and bonding with people on a much more personal level rather than a physical one.

Thank you Steph, i hope there are others out there like me. 

This is the first step to learning about ourselves by sharing experiences, so thank you for that. I also love bonding on a much deeper level, I just can’t help but feel I’m missing out 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Welcome!

It’s quite common for asexuality to be realised further along the line, as it’s not a well known concept. There’s also the increased push towards being sexual, so many just assume they are by default or call themselves a late bloomer.

 

Anyways, hey from Gatport Airwick, how’s the heatwave down there? :) 

Icecream+Birthday.JPG

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Steph_Catherine
2 minutes ago, Lichley said:

Welcome!

It’s quite common for asexuality to be realised further along the line, as it’s not a well known concept. There’s also the increased push towards being sexual, so many just assume they are by default or call themselves a late bloomer.

 

Anyways, hey from Gatport Airwick, how’s the heatwave down there? :) 

Icecream+Birthday.JPG

This is true! It's not something i'd ever looked into really until this week

 

The heatwave promptly ended last week! We've had a few days of rain and it's been quite chill lol Been nice to put a hoodie/rain coat on for a change haha Still warm in London?

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16 minutes ago, Steph_Catherine said:

This is true! It's not something i'd ever looked into really until this week

 

The heatwave promptly ended last week! We've had a few days of rain and it's been quite chill lol Been nice to put a hoodie/rain coat on for a change haha Still warm in London?

It ended last week for you? It ended about Thursday in London. Still, it’s rainy here around Gatwick, and I’m pretty sure it’s still rainy up at London too.

I was in London over the week for chemistry stuff, so I had to spend my day in 33C wearing a t-shirt, jeans, gloves, and a buttoned up lab coat. 

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Steph_Catherine
9 minutes ago, Lichley said:

It ended last week for you? It ended about Thursday in London. Still, it’s rainy here around Gatwick, and I’m pretty sure it’s still rainy up at London too.

I was in London over the week for chemistry stuff, so I had to spend my day in 33C wearing a t-shirt, jeans, gloves, and a buttoned up lab coat. 

Well, I say last week, I do mean Wednesday or Thursday lol Which is technically last week now haha Oh gosh, that sounds brutal in 33 degree heat! Quite looking forward to Autumn approaching!

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NickyTannock

@Steph_Catherine Welcome to AVEN!

 

Asexuals can have relationships but can have problems in relationships with Sexuals.

In my case though, I've never had or desired a relationship.

 

10.jpg

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Steph_Catherine
6 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

@Steph_Catherine Welcome to AVEN!

 

Asexuals can have relationships but can have problems in relationships with Sexuals.

In my case though, I've never had or desired a relationship.

 

10.jpg

Thank you for the welcome! :D Nice to meet you.

 

I've never had a relationship prior to this and even this isn't anything proper yet but it's the closest I've got. I've always struggled as I've had no interest and the people I have had interest in, either never like me or like me far more than I like them. I get crushes but don't think I've ever been in love with anyone. I've told the guy I'm seeing and he wants to give it one more go and try to make it work but tbh, I can't see it working. We're both very different people and I don't want to deprive him of something he wants 🤷‍♀️

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Anthracite_Impreza

From what I've read asexual-sexual relationships are an uphill struggle on both sides - they require the asexual to have sex more than they'd like, and the sexual to have sex less than they'd like. You're better off asking in the sexual parts of the forum though, as that's where the sexuals tend to congregate.

 

Welcome to AVEN :)

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