Jump to content

Demiromantic and seeking relationship?


RakshaTheCat

Recommended Posts

RakshaTheCat

Couldn't find a thread for demiromantic people, so figured I'll try to make one.

What are your experiences while looking for relationship? How are you going about it? Any thoughts or tips?

Link to post
Share on other sites
banana monkey

hmm, this is a bit of a difficult one for me. I personally dont feel I can "look" for a relationship, given that it takes about a year or so for me to develop feelings for someone, if I was actively looking they would have lost interest by then. People usually move on if you dont indicate interest after a month or so - I am never interested by that point. If I was any good at making and keeping friends (I'm terribly bad at it) I suppose I may try and make lots of single friends of the opposite sex and see if anything develops in a year - 18 months, However, it is more likely it wont and I dont tend to develop lasting friendships with the opposite gender that well. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere

I simply learned that online dating is not for me.

On the other hand, I never considered the difference between romantic and platonic to be so fundamental. A very close friendship could be fully satisfying for me... if only I could feel close enough to someone. There is one woman who could be more than a friend for me, but our contact is hindered by her being very busy and living on the other side of Warsaw (it's an hour of travel even when using the metro) and also her difficult personal situation (abusive husband - recently, for example, he endowed all his money to his mother so that my friend would have a hard time getting anything from him if she applies for divorce)...

Link to post
Share on other sites
EngineeRaven

It's a hard question. I don't really do any direct looking, because that doesn't really work for me. Online dating feels like some meat market, and that makes me uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable does not help the already hard  forming of emotions. All the situations where it worked out for me started with normal friendly chatting where none us wanted anything romantic from the other. I guess if I don't feel the pressure, I form that connection I need a lot easier. It still takes months, but at least if works. Sometimes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
EggplantWitch

I've tried online dating, and while I never found it to be the horror show other people describe I've come to accept it probably isn't for me. It's too much of a crapshoot. Even if I managed to make friends with someone there, which isn't what a dating website is really for, there's still no guarantee I'll develop romantic feelings even years down the line. It does hurt a little initially, but I've been rearranging my daydream visions of my future to always assume that I am single. It makes me happier in the long run, and takes the pressure off. Maybe I will just find someone naturally, like what seems to happen to others, but even if not, it doesn't matter, I'll be having a great time on my own.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat

Thanks for all the replies everyone!


I see we have similar problems here, we need to find ourselves good and deep friendships to even think about relationship. And they most likely need to be with another ACEs. How do we go about it? How can we do better than we are doing now? For me, chatting to people online and finding things to do together kind of worked, but I'm sure I can improve on that.

 

As for dating sites, I also find them a bit problematic. I look there to find potential friends and then see how it develops. But normal people seem to not care if their romantic partner is their friend, which is kind of terrifying to me... Relationship with someone who isn't my best friend would be a horror for me...

 

 

Speaking of deeper friendships, what kind of topics would you like to discuss with people you want to be your deep friends?

 

Maybe I'm weird here, but one of my favorite topics is 'how can we improve ourselves and our lives'. I love helping people be better, and I love being helped to be better myself. But this seems to be topic that people don't like... Am I the only one who finds topics like that fun?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I also have a similar issue! It takes me a while to open up to someone. When I initially meet people, I do have the feeling of "I want to learn more about this person", but it takes me a while to develop real feelings toward someone. I also don't know if I want a serious relationship or a deep friendship and what the difference would be. I feel like I need to experience more to know that.

I always wondered if I could somehow "speed up" the process by trying to open up more initially or ask questions or do stuff that will make me feel closer to the person. Dating sites are also intimidating for me too because people want to just jump into a relationship and I simply can't do that. It just feels wrong to me and for me, touch is a really important part of me feeling close to someone. I am uncomfortable sitting physically close to someone I don't know well, but if it is someone I do know well, it helps me feel more comfortable and helps me open up a bit.

 

I love talking about topics that really lets me get to know a person on a deeper level. I always thrive to improve myself and my life. I don't want conversations to always be 100% that, but I like a good mix of topics. Initially, I just want to learn basic things about a person, but hopefully the conversations will involve into something deeper or else I will never feel close to a person and that person will always stay as an acquaintance and not a friend, to me.

 

I am just a little frustrated at this point because I know I want some type of close relationship, but I don't know how to find it or what it would actually look like. My plan for now is to just get out more and meet new people and see what happens.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat

Thanks for your insights, @artzcat and @pureerie, they are much appreciated.

 

Questions about hobbies are good, I like asking them, although people don't seem to like if I try to dig too deep there...

 

1 hour ago, pureerie said:

I always wondered if I could somehow "speed up" the process by trying to open up more initially or ask questions or do stuff that will make me feel closer to the process.

Exactly. I don't know how much I can speed it up though to not freak people out (at least those who I'd rather not freak out, I don't mind scaring away shallow people).

 

 

And yeah, question 'how to improve' is no good at the beginning... I wonder what question could be asked much earlier that would tell me a lot about someone... Hmm, I do like to look into the future, so how about something like "How would you like your life to look like in few years? Just one idea (as I'm sure there are many), make it as short or as long as you want."

 

Would you like answering question like that? If yes, how would you answer it?

 

My short answer would look like that:

Quote

One possibility: Me and my SO are walking together on an empty beach holding hands and discussing where we are going to go on our next trip abroad. Game that we had so much fun making together is selling well enough that we can now afford extended holidays. We are so lucky to be together, none of it would have been possible without us supporting each other.

That answer hints about my hobby and lifestyle, so I hope would be informative.

Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Marcin said:

And yeah, question 'how to improve' is no good at the beginning... I wonder what question could be asked much earlier that would tell me a lot about someone... Hmm, I do like to look into the future, so how about something like "How would you like your life to look like in few years? Just one idea (as I'm sure there are many), make it as short or as long as you want."

 

Would you like answering question like that? If yes, how would you answer it?

I think it would be fun to answer a question like that, but my answer will depend on how close I have gotten to the person.

My basic template of this answer would be something like this.

Quote

My career would be doing well and I would have a decent salary. I would have a few good friends that we can all do things together and have fun. I would also have an SO that I can always talk to and rely on. I also hope to be helping animals in anyway I can whether it be foster cats or volunteering at a shelter/sanctuary.

However, the closer I am to the person at the time, the more in-depth I will go with this answer. I've actually had a similar conversation with someone before, but I considered them an acquaintances at the time. They wanted to know "What do you want to accomplish by next year?" The idea was to write those goals down and help each other accomplish those goals. That never really happened though.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
1 hour ago, pureerie said:

The idea was to write those goals down and help each other accomplish those goals. That never really happened though.

Sounds like a good idea! Reminds me I need to figure out proper goal for myself though, since 'career', and 'decent salary' ended up being completely unfulfilling for me... I still like software development, I'd just love if it had a bit more meaning than just making money for some shady company.... :)

 

Reminds me when I was taking care of webpage for cats adoption/foster. Was one of the most gratifying thing ever... 😺

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Sounds like a good idea! Reminds me I need to figure out proper goal for myself though, since 'career', and 'decent salary' ended up being completely unfulfilling for me... I still like software development, I'd just love if it had a bit more meaning than just making money for some shady company.... :)

I love being a software developer. I just like coding at this point while I still am trying to get experience. However, one of my career goals is to eventually work at a company that I love. The current company is actually a pretty well known company where I live. I am mostly doing more web development type stuff but at least I know millions of people are using the website I am working on so that helps.

 

Like I said, that answer was a basic template lol. I've thought about all this stuff a lot and could write a whole essay on that if I wanted to. That's why my answer would vary depending on the person I am talking to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat

Hmm, I'm making a bit of an OT here, but you did make me curious... BTW, I'm not trying to invalidate your goals or anything, I'm just trying to see if maybe I'm mistaken somewhere in my view of how businesses work :)

 

7 minutes ago, pureerie said:

However, one of my career goals is to eventually work at a company that I love.

Is this actually possible if you are not one of the owners? I mean, goal of any company is to make money for owners. I you genuinely love company while not being one of the owners, then they will just take advantage of you by paying you less, because one of their goals is to minimize cost of workforce.

 

Or maybe I understand it wrong and there is a way of doing it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Marcin said:

Is this actually possible if you are not one of the owners? I mean, goal of any company is to make money for owners. I you genuinely love company while not being one of the owners, then they will just take advantage of you by paying you less, because one of their goals is to minimize cost of workforce.

 

Or maybe I understand it wrong and there is a way of doing it?

Let me rephrase. It isn't that I love the company itself, but I like working at the company. Of course the owner wants to make money, but they can't do it alone. They need someone to work for them and if they want to get work done with qualified people, they need to pay them. If the company doesn't pay them enough then they risk losing qualified people to other companies that are willing to pay. There are also companies out there that do genuinely care about their employees. There is also performance reviews, salary negotiation, and stuff like that where you can request a raise in your salary. Of course everyone can't get paid a high salary though. Businesses do have a budget and there has to be a balance.

 

I know this is getting a bit off topic so if you want to discuss more about this, feel free to send me a message!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...