Phoebs

can i call myself ace if i fantacize about sex and have high libido

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Phoebs

sorry if it seems like an oxymoron. my question comes from not really understanding my own desires, but i want some other perspectives/opinions. 

 

idk if this is tmi but i want to get the whole picture out to see if anyone relates: i have a high libido and like to masturbate, i enjoy porn/erotic fanfiction etc. (mostly M/M, even though I'm female and identify as a straight woman). and I do fantacize about myself having sex, sometimes with people in my life but usually with fictional or made up "characters". but the idea of having sex in real life scares me just as soon as it becomes a real possibility. i feel lonely a lot, but i dont view friends/romantic relationships as being so different? like, i dont necessarily crave a boyfriend but i do want a best friend who likes to cuddle just for the heck of it. maybe that gets into the whole topic of aromanticism which might be a bit much for one thread. but i wonder if there are people out there who have high libidos and sexual fantasies like myself, but still identify as asexual and i would like to know your personal perspectives on your identity and how you came to see yourself as such.

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The Dryad

Ummmmmm, well asexuality isn't 'being scared to have sex in real life, but rather not being sexually attracted to people. Everything else could be considered fairly normal for an ace. 

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The Bookworm

If you fantasize about having sex with others in your life, it's likely you are sexual, not asexual. 

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The Dryad
9 minutes ago, Book Witch said:

If you fantasize about having sex with others in your life, it's likely you are sexual, not asexual. 

I was going to type that, but I wasn't sure if I would come across as being too strict or something 

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Fricai

No longer see myself as asexual since my last relationship (because I think I did experience sexual attraction towards her). Before that (when I saw myself as ace), I virtually never had any sexual fantasies, but did have a normal libido. I had never felt the urge to have sex with anyone, or fantasized about anyone in particular (as far as I recall), so the conclusion I don't seem to experience sexual attraction made sense to me.

 

Upon reading your description of yourself, I do agree with Book Witch that it seems unlikely. But in the end, you can choose to call yourself whatever you like. Just figure out whether the conclusion asexual makes sense to you! ;) For many that's not easy, but it's perfectly ok to simply not know (yet). Perhaps it will become clear as you gain more experience with relationships and such?

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dmw115

Asexual is when you lack desire to have sex, but that doesn't mean you can't have the action. Since you feel the desire I think you're more on the aromantic scale of things. You may want to have sex but not necessarily all the "dating" things that come with relationships. As for the fantasizing about fictional characters, that sounds more like aegosexuality, especially since you're not sure if you want to follow through with it or not in a real life setting (which can be asexual if you don't want to do it).

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LadyOracle
12 hours ago, Book Witch said:

If you fantasize about having sex with others in your life, it's likely you are sexual, not asexual. 

But not necessarily. I do fantasise about having sex with others. Sometimes even people I don't like, and not because I find them attractive either. Even sexuals fantasise about people they don't want to have anything to do with, or things they really don't want to do. 

 

Fantasy doesn't necessarily have any relation to what you want irl. So I'd advise anyone who's in doubt to think about how you feel in real life, does anyone make you want them in a sexual way? And also to talk to both sexuals and aces about how they experience attraction and sex and relationships and you'll soon notice the differences.

 

Doesn't necessarily make it easy to figure out your feelings though. When I read how others here experience things I sometimes feel like I can't be ace, because I still feel different, although I understand what they mean. But then I talk to a sexual, and I just don't get them and it's like I'm from a different planet. So I call myself gray ace. Grace sounds lovely anyway. I've never been particularly graceful, so it's an added bonus.

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LadyOracle

Also about the high libido: I find it's hard to tell without actually having sex. Atm I want sex every day. Does that mean I have a high libido? I haven't had sex since November and I'm in my fertile period. After that it won't be very present, and I know if I actually have sex I will have no interest in it for at least a few months, but usually more than half a year. That's not a high libido. 

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Phoebs

Wow, i was not expecting so many responses. thank you! i'm definitely still figuring things out but everything on this thread has been so helpful.

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Serran
7 hours ago, LadyOracle said:

But not necessarily. I do fantasise about having sex with others. Sometimes even people I don't like, and not because I find them attractive either. Even sexuals fantasise about people they don't want to have anything to do with, or things they really don't want to do. 

 

Fantasy doesn't necessarily have any relation to what you want irl. So I'd advise anyone who's in doubt to think about how you feel in real life, does anyone make you want them in a sexual way? And also to talk to both sexuals and aces about how they experience attraction and sex and relationships and you'll soon notice the differences.

 

Doesn't necessarily make it easy to figure out your feelings though. When I read how others here experience things I sometimes feel like I can't be ace, because I still feel different, although I understand what they mean. But then I talk to a sexual, and I just don't get them and it's like I'm from a different planet. So I call myself gray ace. Grace sounds lovely anyway. I've never been particularly graceful, so it's an added bonus.

Problem is sexuality is so complicated and varied.

 

Talking to some sexuals im like... yeah no. I dont feel that. But, I love my partner and want them sexually (though not sex as in oral anal or piv ew). But if I wasnt with my partner I would want nothing again, not even masturbation and I have no fantasies of other people. 

 

So I consider myself more sexual than not. Some might say demi and say thats ace, but I could strip my partner and "do them" daily and be happy. Thats pretty sexual imo. Even though if they said no more sexual stuff Id still be happy. 

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JoyEngland

I don't equate asexuality with a high libido and love of porn. Being asexual is essentially not having a lustful desire for sex and not pursuing it; except perhaps for some people in the context of a stable loving relationship. High libido and porn use doesn't equate with being asexual. To me this sounds like the behaviour of most people who aren't asexual, because they love porn and want sex, but they have intimacy issues and fears about being intimate in real life - this isn't asexuality. You would be better off looking into yourself for the reasons why you can't connect sexually in real life and have to rely on porn, because clearly you desire sex and the issue is doing it with real people. Getting off the porn would help, because it's unhealthy for your inner being and will drive a broader and broader wedge between your need for a sexual relationship and actually fulfilling that with a real person. Porn reliance is not good for your wellness.

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Skycaptain

I have a highish libido, and experience fantasies, but have never experienced any desire for partnered sexual activity, so you're not alone 

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Sally

My personal definition of asexuality is not wanting to have sex with other people IRL.  That means you may (or may not) have a high libido and experience fantasies, but you're still asexual.  

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FaerieFate
2 hours ago, JoyEngland said:

I don't equate asexuality with a high libido and love of porn. Being asexual is essentially not having a lustful desire for sex and not pursuing it; except perhaps for some people in the context of a stable loving relationship. High libido and porn use doesn't equate with being asexual. To me this sounds like the behaviour of most people who aren't asexual, because they love porn and want sex, but they have intimacy issues and fears about being intimate in real life - this isn't asexuality. You would be better off looking into yourself for the reasons why you can't connect sexually in real life and have to rely on porn, because clearly you desire sex and the issue is doing it with real people. Getting off the porn would help, because it's unhealthy for your inner being and will drive a broader and broader wedge between your need for a sexual relationship and actually fulfilling that with a real person. Porn reliance is not good for your wellness.

I have a high libido, watch porn, and masterbate. There's nothing wrong with me, and I'm asexual because I don't desire partnered sex or experience sexual attraction. I'm not afraid of sex. I'm not uncomfortable with it. I'm not grossed out by it. I just don't desire it. 

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Feys&Florets

Libido levels don't correlate to sexual orientation. For asexuals, the hardware exists but not the software.

 

There's aces who enjoy porn or fantasize, but still identify as asexual. Personally I can't really comprehend this, but the gist for the definition is a lack of sexual desire.

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lithaego

Libido and desire for sex have nothing to do with sexual orientation, they are separate things. 

Think of it like this:

If you identified as a gay man, the only requirement to make you identify that way is that you are attracted to other men.
Whether you choose to be celibate, or have a high libido and desire to engage in sexual activities with other people, isn't part of your orientation, its part of your lifestyle, and its a choice. 
Whereas, your orientation isn't a choice. It just is. 


It's the same for asexuality.
Asexuality is simply not being attracted to any genders. 


Allosexuals experience sex repulsion and low libido as well, the difference is that they feel sexual attraction to other people. But libido and sex repulsion/desire are often heavily correlated as measurements for asexuality, because allosexuals don't have the need to differentiate between them as separate entities, and so, they are all lumped together.  
 

And since that's the allosexual world we live in, many asexuals are stuck in confusion. 😕
 

 

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kiaroskuro

As I see it, you could very well be asexual. To be honest, I'm a little baffled that people's opinions are so divided on this issue. Then again, I'm beginning to think that everyone has their own definition of asexuality.

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Ashes of the phoenix

Just to put it out there that  I have fantasies and yet don’t want to have sex irl yet do not identify as ace. There is a lot of sexual repression in my life and healing from that is hard. 

 

Just because one does not want irl sex isn’t quite the deal breaker, but it is a good rule of thumb. If you want to ID as ace that could make sense. But my recommendation is to try to be real to yourself and investigate why you don’t want sex. 

 

There are are reasons why I currently intend abstinence, I have reason to identify sexual. You might be different. 

 

Personally it is surprising and unusual to think  someone could have fantasies about themselves having sex and then say they are ace.  To me, that sounds like sexual repression.  

 

 

but your identity is yours. No one else has the final say. If someone actively has sex because they like or want it, or something, they would be told they’re sexual. But outside of that who really knows? It may make sense for you to ID ace today, even if you change your ID later, it’s fine for now really. 

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Salmiakki
30 minutes ago, Ashes of the phoenix said:

Just to put it out there that  I have fantasies and yet don’t want to have sex irl yet do not identify as ace. There is a lot of sexual repression in my life and healing from that is hard. 

 

Just because one does not want irl sex isn’t quite the deal breaker, but it is a good rule of thumb. If you want to ID as ace that could make sense. But my recommendation is to try to be real to yourself and investigate why you don’t want sex. 

 

There are are reasons why I currently intend abstinence, I have reason to identify sexual. You might be different. 

 

Personally it is surprising and unusual to think  someone could have fantasies about themselves having sex and then say they are ace.  To me, that sounds like sexual repression.  

 

 

but your identity is yours. No one else has the final say. If someone actively has sex because they like or want it, or something, they would be told they’re sexual. But outside of that who really knows? It may make sense for you to ID ace today, even if you change your ID later, it’s fine for now really. 

I kinda agree with you. Right now I don't ID as anything, not ace, not sexual, not anything. I have fantasies but I don't think I want to have sex in real life. But I don't feel ace. And it might be that the reason I don't want sex in real life is because there's no one I'm attracted to in real life. Truthfully I'm terrified by the thought of having sex and I just don't want to have it... ever, maybe. Or maybe when I'm married. If I ever get married. I might not. I'm not interested in relationships. But maybe that's because of my mental health problems. Basically I don't want to date or have sex but I don't feel right identifying as ace cause I feel attracted to someone.. If the definition of ace is not desiring sex then I think it could describe me cause thinking about actually going through with having sex just doesn't interest me at all. But this one person makes me so turned on and it makes me feel not ace. If I met him maybe I'd want to do it. Maybe I'd want to have sex with him but I don't know for sure and I hate the fact that I'll never know cause I won't meet him.. Maybe I'd have to have some relationship experience to know what I want, but I don't want a relationship(except maybe with him.. again, I don't know cause I haven't ever met him), I just want to keep on fantasizing about him.. I don't want to feel attracted to anyone else. 

Anyway sorry for writing such a story

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 8/16/2018 at 8:51 PM, Feys&Florets said:

There's aces who enjoy porn or fantasize, but still identify as asexual. Personally I can't really comprehend this, but the gist for the definition is a lack of sexual desire.

I'm in the 'fantasy' camp. The main thing for me being I wouldn't ever seek out sex IRL, and if somebody else made advances I would give them a firm 'no'.

Low libido.

It's only possible for me to get into that mindset when I'm alone. Add even just one person to the room and it just disappears.

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Ashes of the phoenix

@Salmiakki 

 

yeah I feel kind of similar, on the fence. I do know I have felt sexual desire recently and it’s rare I don’t think I felt that before. But I don’t know if I want to have sex, like, it seems invasive and also kinda gross, I have been in a relationship before and I just let her do stuff to me which wasn’t actually healthy for me cause I didn’t want it. 

 

Yet I feel like if I was with someone I truly wanted in my life, I think things would be different but I’m scared that I won’t be sexual enough idk. Like that I wouldn’t want to have sex or maybe would suck at it. 

 

If I forget about reality though having sex seems like it would be good tho.

 

 

but I need more experience to know and until then I don’t know. I assume eventually in life I’ll be sexually active again and I worry I’ll be a bad partner for no experience and squeamishness. 

 

But j definitely feel attracted to people in a sexual way and on rare occasion think about sex as if I’d want it. I think what I want more is just to cuddle but what if things change and I want sex? I just don’t know

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EngineerHologram

I'm actually in a similar boat, most things up until intercourse is fun for me, however to be honest, I'd be just as happy never undressing for a girl lol. Having fantasy's, masturbating, or actually having a sex drive doesn't mean you're not asexual, as it's a spectrum. Like others said before, our hardware works, we just don't have the certain software installed lol

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Asexy Goddess
On 8/16/2018 at 8:51 PM, Feys&Florets said:

Libido levels don't correlate to sexual orientation. For asexuals, the hardware exists but not the software.

 

There's aces who enjoy porn or fantasize, but still identify as asexual. Personally I can't really comprehend this, but the gist for the definition is a lack of sexual desire.

I enjoy porn for whatever reason but I still identify as ace. I feel no sexual attraction towards anyone, even the people having sex on a screen. Really porn just helps me get off. I don’t fantasize about other people or even made up ones. I think it just depends on the person, but as long as you don’t really have sexual attraction or a desire to have sex you can qualify as ace, but nobody can label you but yourself.

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Nowhere Girl
On 8/17/2018 at 10:16 AM, lithaego said:

Libido and desire for sex have nothing to do with sexual orientation, they are separate things. 

Think of it like this:

If you identified as a gay man, the only requirement to make you identify that way is that you are attracted to other men.
Whether you choose to be celibate, or have a high libido and desire to engage in sexual activities with other people, isn't part of your orientation, its part of your lifestyle, and its a choice. 
Whereas, your orientation isn't a choice. It just is. 


It's the same for asexuality.
Asexuality is simply not being attracted to any genders. 

I have seen a lot of aces who can't even grasp the idea of sexual attraction, including those who almost literally torment themselves with thoughts along the line of "But if I don't know how does sexual attraction feel, how can I be sure that I don't experience it?".

For me it's a little like this. Sexual attraction seems rather theoretic to me compared to the strong and certain feeling that I don't want to have sex with anyone and wouldn't want to want sex. Perhaps there is more than one path to asexuality. I agree that libido level and activity don't define sexual orientation, but for some people "not finding anyone sexually attractive" rings the bell, and for some "not wanting to have sex". My personal hypothesis is that the former may be more common among sex-indifferent aces, and the latter among those on the sex aversion spectrum.

On 8/19/2018 at 2:04 PM, Ashes of the phoenix said:

Personally it is surprising and unusual to think  someone could have fantasies about themselves having sex and then say they are ace.  To me, that sounds like sexual repression.  

Why is sexual repression so unaccepted? These are our lives, including our right to make self-harmful decisions. (I could say - and for me this borders on theology - that the sense of the universe is suspended on the possibility of choice.)

I'm a sex-averse person. Maybe asexual, maybe effectively asexual (my sex aversion makes it impossible for me to actually desire sex, so I believe it makes me at least effectively asexual), maybe "repressed" (thinking about it more, I decide that it's a negative and fairly judgemental word, hence the quotes). And yet my choice is never to overcome my fear of sex, never to desire a situation in which I could have sex. I don't want myself to have sex ever. I'm intelligent enough to understand the mental construction I'm building: being sex-averse, I dread an alternate reality in which I would become able to have sex, not protected by my sex aversion. But yet I choose to keep this construction in place. The reality is also that I don't have much choice: my sex aversion is an extension of my nudity aversion, and having a non-ugly body would require huge sacrifices for something which I currently don't even consider worth achieving. But still I don't perceive my situation as fully predetermined (I believe in choice, but of course I don't think that anyone is always fully free to make any possible decision, we are limited by circumstances) because I choose not to desire a different situation.

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TeaGee

A lot of people have covered my sentiments but I also wanted to chime in. I have a n active libido, and I regularly enjoy porn and masturbation but it tends to be under very specific circumstances. Any arousal I experience is random and directionless-usually comes up out of nowhere for no reason. (Often tied to my cycle) I do not personally desire sex and do not view myself as a sexual being. I am sex positive and willing to participate in sexual activity with the right partner but I, myself, do not wish to seek it out. I think you certainly can experience arousal, higher libidos and enjoy porn and be ace. Someone on here once said that asexuality is about a sexual attraction, not sexual behavior and I think that sums it up well. 

 

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Ashes of the phoenix

@Nowhere Girl

 

i did did not say it was unacceptable and I’m allowed to have my opinions. I personally would want to work out repression and in fact I did and am.  That is how I interpret such a scenario and my wanting it that way and my sharing it doesn’t invalidate you.

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Nowhere Girl
2 hours ago, Ashes of the phoenix said:

@Nowhere Girl

 

i did did not say it was unacceptable and I’m allowed to have my opinions. I personally would want to work out repression and in fact I did and am.  That is how I interpret such a scenario and my wanting it that way and my sharing it doesn’t invalidate you.

Hey, I never meant to hurt you in any way or not to let you have your own opinion! I just wonder why is "sexual repression" always perceived as kind of asexuality's evil twin, as if it was OK to be disinterested, but never to be "repressed".

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Ashes of the phoenix
22 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Hey, I never meant to hurt you in any way or not to let you have your own opinion! I just wonder why is "sexual repression" always perceived as kind of asexuality's evil twin, as if it was OK to be disinterested, but never to be "repressed".

yeah I worry about the same thing too. Like IMO someone who has repressed sexuality can identify as ace, and no one has to change something about themselves unless they want it.  I guess personally, I value personal growth though, so it's easy for me to imply others should too... I don't mean it as a must-do of course. But I know how easy it is to hear a message too many times and be fed up with it

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Nowhere Girl
13 minutes ago, Ashes of the phoenix said:

yeah I worry about the same thing too. Like IMO someone who has repressed sexuality can identify as ace, and no one has to change something about themselves unless they want it.  I guess personally, I value personal growth though, so it's easy for me to imply others should too... I don't mean it as a must-do of course. But I know how easy it is to hear a message too many times and be fed up with it

To be honest, now I feel unpleasant... as if I was a person who doesn't value personal growth. But I do, I just find the area of "practical partnered sexuality" too digusting and scary to have anything to do with it.

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