Phoebs

can i call myself ace if i fantacize about sex and have high libido

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Phoebs

sorry if it seems like an oxymoron. my question comes from not really understanding my own desires, but i want some other perspectives/opinions. 

 

idk if this is tmi but i want to get the whole picture out to see if anyone relates: i have a high libido and like to masturbate, i enjoy porn/erotic fanfiction etc. (mostly M/M, even though I'm female and identify as a straight woman). and I do fantacize about myself having sex, sometimes with people in my life but usually with fictional or made up "characters". but the idea of having sex in real life scares me just as soon as it becomes a real possibility. i feel lonely a lot, but i dont view friends/romantic relationships as being so different? like, i dont necessarily crave a boyfriend but i do want a best friend who likes to cuddle just for the heck of it. maybe that gets into the whole topic of aromanticism which might be a bit much for one thread. but i wonder if there are people out there who have high libidos and sexual fantasies like myself, but still identify as asexual and i would like to know your personal perspectives on your identity and how you came to see yourself as such.

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The Dryad

Ummmmmm, well asexuality isn't 'being scared to have sex in real life, but rather not being sexually attracted to people. Everything else could be considered fairly normal for an ace. 

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Book Witch

If you fantasize about having sex with others in your life, it's likely you are sexual, not asexual. 

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The Dryad
9 minutes ago, Book Witch said:

If you fantasize about having sex with others in your life, it's likely you are sexual, not asexual. 

I was going to type that, but I wasn't sure if I would come across as being too strict or something 

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Fricai

No longer see myself as asexual since my last relationship (because I think I did experience sexual attraction towards her). Before that (when I saw myself as ace), I virtually never had any sexual fantasies, but did have a normal libido. I had never felt the urge to have sex with anyone, or fantasized about anyone in particular (as far as I recall), so the conclusion I don't seem to experience sexual attraction made sense to me.

 

Upon reading your description of yourself, I do agree with Book Witch that it seems unlikely. But in the end, you can choose to call yourself whatever you like. Just figure out whether the conclusion asexual makes sense to you! ;) For many that's not easy, but it's perfectly ok to simply not know (yet). Perhaps it will become clear as you gain more experience with relationships and such?

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dmw115

Asexual is when you lack desire to have sex, but that doesn't mean you can't have the action. Since you feel the desire I think you're more on the aromantic scale of things. You may want to have sex but not necessarily all the "dating" things that come with relationships. As for the fantasizing about fictional characters, that sounds more like aegosexuality, especially since you're not sure if you want to follow through with it or not in a real life setting (which can be asexual if you don't want to do it).

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LadyOracle
12 hours ago, Book Witch said:

If you fantasize about having sex with others in your life, it's likely you are sexual, not asexual. 

But not necessarily. I do fantasise about having sex with others. Sometimes even people I don't like, and not because I find them attractive either. Even sexuals fantasise about people they don't want to have anything to do with, or things they really don't want to do. 

 

Fantasy doesn't necessarily have any relation to what you want irl. So I'd advise anyone who's in doubt to think about how you feel in real life, does anyone make you want them in a sexual way? And also to talk to both sexuals and aces about how they experience attraction and sex and relationships and you'll soon notice the differences.

 

Doesn't necessarily make it easy to figure out your feelings though. When I read how others here experience things I sometimes feel like I can't be ace, because I still feel different, although I understand what they mean. But then I talk to a sexual, and I just don't get them and it's like I'm from a different planet. So I call myself gray ace. Grace sounds lovely anyway. I've never been particularly graceful, so it's an added bonus.

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LadyOracle

Also about the high libido: I find it's hard to tell without actually having sex. Atm I want sex every day. Does that mean I have a high libido? I haven't had sex since November and I'm in my fertile period. After that it won't be very present, and I know if I actually have sex I will have no interest in it for at least a few months, but usually more than half a year. That's not a high libido. 

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Phoebs

Wow, i was not expecting so many responses. thank you! i'm definitely still figuring things out but everything on this thread has been so helpful.

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Serran
7 hours ago, LadyOracle said:

But not necessarily. I do fantasise about having sex with others. Sometimes even people I don't like, and not because I find them attractive either. Even sexuals fantasise about people they don't want to have anything to do with, or things they really don't want to do. 

 

Fantasy doesn't necessarily have any relation to what you want irl. So I'd advise anyone who's in doubt to think about how you feel in real life, does anyone make you want them in a sexual way? And also to talk to both sexuals and aces about how they experience attraction and sex and relationships and you'll soon notice the differences.

 

Doesn't necessarily make it easy to figure out your feelings though. When I read how others here experience things I sometimes feel like I can't be ace, because I still feel different, although I understand what they mean. But then I talk to a sexual, and I just don't get them and it's like I'm from a different planet. So I call myself gray ace. Grace sounds lovely anyway. I've never been particularly graceful, so it's an added bonus.

Problem is sexuality is so complicated and varied.

 

Talking to some sexuals im like... yeah no. I dont feel that. But, I love my partner and want them sexually (though not sex as in oral anal or piv ew). But if I wasnt with my partner I would want nothing again, not even masturbation and I have no fantasies of other people. 

 

So I consider myself more sexual than not. Some might say demi and say thats ace, but I could strip my partner and "do them" daily and be happy. Thats pretty sexual imo. Even though if they said no more sexual stuff Id still be happy. 

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