invisiblefoxes

Coming Out & How We Fit in the LGBT+ Community

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invisiblefoxes

 

What scares you more: coming out to general straight people or to LGBT+ people? I mean how do I even begin to explain asexuality to my dad? On the other hand, how do I tell my lesbian aunt, who's been out and proud in rural Western KY for the past like 30 yrs, that, yeah, I'm different too, only I'm prly never gonna engage in any kind of socially unacceptable behavior and nobody is gonna give me any shit about my "lifestyle"? 

 

I recently met a trans-man. In the psych ward of all places. ;) I was nervous about mentioning my asexuality, but he was cool with it. I told him about my attraction to a female nurse (which my attraction to the same sex is kind of new and confusing to me). Instead of questioning my asexuality, he joked about me being in a queer-platonic relationship with her. I felt like he accepted me as part of the LGBT+ community—even before I mentioned my attraction to the nurse—, and it felt good, like I belonged. 

 

But I've seen very different responses from LGBT+ people on, say, Tumblr. And I can't deny the differences in society's response to us asexuals vs the rest of the LGBT+ crowd. Trans people get murdered. They kill themselves at alarming rates. Intersex babies are basically mutilated. The WBC picketed Matthew Shepherd's funeral. They couldn't even let a gay man rest in peace. None of that is gonna happen to me if I come out as asexual. 

 

At the same time I think we, asexuals and the rest of the LGBT+, share a lot of confusion about who and what we are in the beginning and a feeling of being different. Is that enough?

 

And is there even any point in coming out? I mean, I'm just gonna not have sex and prly not date. How special. 😕 My mom and sister already know I'm asexual. Am I going to get anything out of coming out to the rest of my mostly straight friends and family? And if so, what do I even say?

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Homer

I never "went in", so there's no need to "come out". Personally I don't think that "coming out" is necessary unless we're talking romantic relationships...

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invisiblefoxes
28 minutes ago, Homer said:

I never "went in", so there's no need to "come out". Personally I don't think that "coming out" is necessary unless we're talking romantic relationships...

Yeah, I've generally felt this way, but recent...developments with my sexuality, etc., have me a bit discombobulated(sp?), I suppose.

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AcornCarvings

I think there are reasons other than romantic relationships to come out on some level.

For me I like to be able to talk about the things that are on my mind with people I am close to, and not explaining how I feel about relationships and sexuality and stuff can make me feel like there is a bit of a wall there, and leads to them making assumptions about me and doing other things that i am generally not comfortable with.

 

I don't really know how to process the whole "our place in the lgbt community" thing. For me with gender stuff and who I'm romantically into and how I navigate relationships, and just who I hang out around, I already feel like I should be part of it but I often doubt myself there, and feel like i'm "not queer enough" for some spaces because I am ace.

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Ace-actly

My approach to 'coming out' is still in the thinking stage but I find it most relevant to SO relationships. Though if my friends ask me about it or asexuality becomes relevant to our discussions I guess I hope I'd be open with them. 

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Anthraxite_Vampreza

My approach is, if it's appropriate to the conversation I'll mention it, if it isn't I won't. I don't make a big deal because it isn't, and I'm confident enough that playing Asexual Bingo doesn't get me down. If someone's a dick about it that's a convenient way of deciding who's worth your time or not.

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All The Thoughts

I’m not really sure where we fit into the whole LGBT+ community because there really is A LOT of debate behind it—some from that community as well as straight people would agree that we belong under that title and fully accept it as that, but there are definitely others who feel the exact opposite. I think it really just depends on who you’re talking with at this point. Now as for the coming out, I don’t think it’s really necessary unless it’s a significant other, you want to be able to let out the secret in a controlled manner, or you want to be able to clear up confusion someone else may have about asexuality. In the end, it really is just how you are and you should be make the final decision but maybe this perspective, with the others here, helps you out a bit. Good luck, I hope everything works out well!

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invisiblefoxes
On 8/11/2018 at 4:54 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

My approach is, if it's appropriate to the conversation I'll mention it, if it isn't I won't. I don't make a big deal because it isn't, and I'm confident enough that playing Asexual Bingo doesn't get me down. If someone's a dick about it that's a convenient way of deciding who's worth your time or not.

I think this is probably a good approach.

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invisiblefoxes

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and opinions 

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Fifi123

I can't really comment much on how we or I myself fit in to the LGBT+ community. I have searched online for places to hang out and/or get to know others irl in my town, but the LGBT+ places never mention asexuals. So, I guess we don't fit in (yet?), or at least not here. I can't say how it is in other places.

As for the coming out, I have only told my parents and my brother. I felt since they are the people closest to me, I wanted them to know. If the subject would come up elsewhere, I would maybe mention it depending on who I am talking to. Other than that, I don't think it is anyone's business.

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JoyEngland

I don't understand the modern desire to 'come out' - why? What is this desire to confess one's personal intimate inner being to others? I find it irrational. It's nobody's business what is going on inside me and I've never been interested in knowing the personal intimate inner being of others. If anyone asked me I'd say it was none of their business. People seem to have no sense of their own private inner self anyone and the fact it is private - there is no reason to go announcing it to all the world, or to anyone - there is especially no need to go on parades and be 'proud' of it - it's not as though it's an achievement to be asexual or whatever; it is simply who we are and you are - plus people do change; your inner being may be very different in years to come. No-one, and no group, should ever make you feel that you must reveal your private inner being and share it with the world, or with people not of your choosing. It is about keeping your personal dignity and privacy. The only people who need to know are you yourself, plus any prospective relationship you may embark upon.

 

Also, my feeling is that we are not part of the rainbow pride cru - we are different from them and from heteros - we are in a world of our own; we do not randomly fornicate and have no desire to do so - perhaps we wait to meet one special person, or perhaps not at all - this makes us together different from all those others in all their varieties who pursue their lusts and seek sex.

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ElasticPlanet
On 8/16/2018 at 9:42 PM, JoyEngland said:

It's nobody's business what is going on inside me

Taken out of the context of the other things you said, I agree with those words... but some other people may see it as their business to be curious about you. And quite likely they'll assume you're cisgender, heterosexual, monogamous and nonkinky unless they see what they think is evidence to the contrary.

 

That's what coming out is: it's correcting any of those assumptions if they are wrong, because they make you feel invalidated or misrepresented.

 

If you don't mind people assuming all those things about you, or it never occurs to you to think about this at all, that's fine. But many of us don't have it that easy.

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