Asexual and Dysphoric Partner

[cae]

Hello, I am in a long-term relationship with my partner, who is a trans male. He identifies as asexual, and he struggles with dysphoria. This has made our sex life very limited. When he is not dysphoric, he is fine and does enjoy sex to an extent.

 

Me being who I am, I tend to be very sexual. Him being asexual and not usually wanting to have sex, I am perfectly fine with. At least until lately.

 

Sex for me is a lot about intimacy, not just getting off. And it's important to me for that reason. Lately, our sex life is nonexistent, and I've been struggling with feelings of being distant. And frankly I've become more irritable.

 

I'm not really sure what to do. I have read over various threads on this website. And most everyone says that compromise needs to be made on both sides. But, personally, I'm not sure that I feel that is okay. If he doesn't want to have sex, I don't think it's fair to ask him to do it anyway. So I am always the one compromising. And it's become very frustrating and difficult to deal with. I'm not sure how to proceed. I feel I have a need for intimacy that is not being met. But I don't know what to do exactly, when I feel like him compromising is not fair. And though I have not asked him explicitly, I assume that he feels the same.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

[ryn2]

26 minutes ago, cae said:

And though I have not asked him explicitly, I assume that he feels the same.

This is probably a good place to start, if you can.  Talk to him about what has changed recently (to go from some to none), and how you both feel about it.  He may be less aware that it’s a problem than you might expect, and/or he might be more okay with compromising than you think he would be.

 

If he’s more dysphoric recently than normal, is he seeing a therapist who could help?  If he takes HRT, are his levels off?

 

Oh, and hi, and welcome to AVEN.    🍰

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, cae said:

And though I have not asked him explicitly, I assume that he feels the same.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

Ask him, explicitly.

 

If mixed relationships are ever to work, you gotta communicate as much as you possibly can. Honestly, a lot of the time they don't work very well (no one's fault, just the nature of the situation), but when they do and when there's compromise involved, which there pretty much has to be, it's because people are open and honest with each other.

[AcornCarvings]

3 hours ago, cae said:

If he doesn't want to have sex, I don't think it's fair to ask him to do it anyway.

I agree with this. It is defienetely worth asking him though how he feels about all this explicitly. There might be times where some things he wouldn't mind.

 

For that closeness, are there things other than what you usually do when you say sex that could fill that in some? (Things that don't necicarially have to do with between the legs, just sensual stuff, cuddling, spend time in other ways that make you feel romantic)

I don't know how you feel about this in general but it can sometimes help people to have some level of nonmonogamy in their relationship if there is a big discrepancy in sexual desire between each other

 

and yeah, dysphoria's a bitch. there are times where I'm cuddling with someone and some little thing triggers it and It just totally throws me spinning into a bad place. But having supportive people you can talk to who respect your boundaries really can help.