IdaFae

My asexuality seems to have changed- am I still asexual?

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IdaFae

I’ve used this site for a while for info but this is my first post.

 

I first realised I was asexual 2 years ago aged 15. It made complete sense then: I was interested in romantic relationships but I didn’t feel sexual attraction and sex repulsed me. However I am now in a relationship with a sexual element which I enjoy. I don’t think I experience sexual attraction still but I find it difficult to understand what this even means despite reading definitions and descriptions.

 

The main thing that confuses me is that I experience arousal- when physically stimulated, but also when imagining that stimulation. However the focus is very much on the action and physical feeling itself, not the person. Does this mean it is not sexual attraction?

 

I love my boyfriend and am definitely romantically attracted to him and I like having sexual experiences with him, I even initiate them at times. I want to do them because a) it feels physically good, b) I like the effect it has on him, and c) I feel an emotional connection by being intimate with him.

 

Basically I feel my asexuality has changed in a way due to becoming more sex positive and realising I become aroused from physical activities or imagining them, and I’m not sure whether this means I’m no longer asexual? Would I be defined as demi or grey? I’m pretty sure I don’t experience sexual attraction but I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell.

 

Sorry this is a long post- any responses would be greatly appreciated and would help sort out how things are in my head :)

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MaeveTheRaven

Hey! For me it sounds like you experience arousal and not sexual attraction. The body's reaction to stimuli is perfectly normal, no need to worry about it! Also many aces choose to have sex for various reasons, just like the ones you mentioned. It's okay, and it doesn't make you less ace. As long as you don't feel sexually attracted to people (and they say you'd notice it if that was the case), you count as asexual. :)

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LadyOracle
1 hour ago, IdaFae said:

The main thing that confuses me is that I experience arousal- when physically stimulated, but also when imagining that stimulation. However the focus is very much on the action and physical feeling itself, not the person. Does this mean it is not sexual attraction?

I think it means exactly that. :)

 

And by the way, great that you enjoy it. It can be hard sometimes, being ace and having relationships, so it's awesome you can have these experiences and feel free to initiate and enjoy sex. 

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Ceebs.
2 hours ago, IdaFae said:

The main thing that confuses me is that I experience arousal- when physically stimulated, but also when imagining that stimulation. However the focus is very much on the action and physical feeling itself, not the person. Does this mean it is not sexual attraction?

 

I love my boyfriend and am definitely romantically attracted to him and I like having sexual experiences with him, I even initiate them at times. I want to do them because a) it feels physically good, b) I like the effect it has on him, and c) I feel an emotional connection by being intimate with him.

This is like... this is a pretty damn good description of what it's like to be a sexual person. The vast majority of people would not consider what you described as an asexual experience. You're growing up and discovering your sexuality, like a normal teenager. Don't worry about the concept of being aroused by his super duper hot 'n' sexy bod, that's not how it works for a lot of us sexual folks. Ditch the idea of "sexual attraction". You connect with him romantically and emotionally and you enjoy having a physical, sexual relationship with him. That's all that matters.

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Homer
6 minutes ago, CBC said:

This is like... this is a pretty damn good description of what it's like to be a sexual person. The vast majority of people would not consider what you described as an asexual experience. You're growing up and discovering your sexuality, like a normal teenager. Don't worry about the concept of being aroused by his super duper hot 'n' sexy bod, that's not how it works for a lot of us sexual folks. Ditch the idea of "sexual attraction". You connect with him romantically and emotionally and you enjoy having a physical, sexual relationship with him. That's all that matters.

All of this.

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TheAP

Since you desire sexual interaction with your boyfriend for the emotional connection, it sounds like you might be experiencing secondary sexual attraction. You could identify as demisexual if the term is helpful for you. But don't worry too much about labels.

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IdaFae

Thank you to all the responses, I really appreciate them.

 

 I know labels are not the most important thing but I do find them useful and interesting to understand what I am feeling.

 

I know that attraction does not have to be on the basis of appearance but I’m not sure I experience sexual attraction emotionally either- I feel no kind of emotional need or craving for sexual experience, it is something very cognitive in choosing to engage rather than a feeling.

 

The emotional connection produced is due to the knowledge that I am doing something I wouldn’t do with anyone else, like sharing a secret or something like that, rather than the sexual experience in itself producing an emotional connection.

 

Perhaps demisexual would be a more fitting label, although of course one is not required. However this would involve being sexually attracted to my boyfriend which I’m still not sure about- at least from the  descriptions that I have read in the past it seems to be much more of a feeling or a desire rather than just choosing sexual activity for particular benefits. Like if I think of swimming- I enjoy the experience, I see  benefits to doing it, so sometimes I go swimming. But I don’t feel a desire or some kind of need for swimming in the same way as I don’t feel this for sex. (Sorry for the awful metaphor 😛 I hope what I’m saying makes a little sense)

 

My difficulty is what does sexual attraction actually feel like? Is it just wanting to have a sexual experience with someone no matter what the reasons behind it? Or is there actually a feeling or something behind this?

 

A long post again sorry...  thanks again to anyone who has replied, it’s wonderful that this community exists and there are people willing to take the time to respond to my ramblings! It’s very helpful

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LadyOracle

For me there's definitely a feeling behind it. I am gray ace and experience attraction sometimes. Rarely, but I do know the feeling, at least the secondary attraction. 

 

I want to be with that person when I feel particularly close to them, I feel very emotional and want them as close as possible. And wanting sex with them is like a really bad food craving. I think that's what it's most similar to for me. 

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Serran

For me, it's when I feel very close to my partner - like when we're being flirty, or kissing, or playing around tickling each other - then I want to advance it to something sexual. That's it. That's the attraction. The wanting to take it farther. And yeah, for me it's a very emotional experience - it isn't really about "omg I want to get laid so bad, I need to find my partner" - it's "I love my partner, this is a way I can connect with them and it feels nice". 

 

And I have no excessive urges for it. And I sometimes forget it even is a thing... cause my libido isn't the highest. And I'm not salivating if it's been a while, or angsty. I go months LDR with my partner with nothing sexual and it's OK. It's just a nice thing we share that we both desire when we're together and both in the mood. I don't consider it a need, but I'd probably miss it if we took it out of our relationship. 

 

Sexual attraction is, imo, just that pull that makes you want to share your sexuality with the person. Whatever causes the pull to it, I don't think matters. For some, it's the person is hot. For some, it's they love their partner and it makes them feel close. You can probably insert a million reasons in this box. But, regardless, there is a pull to do it - even if it's not some overwhelming desire and even if it is only activated from being intimate already with the person (say, you only feel like initiating when you're making out, or whatever). Not everyone experiences it the same. That's why I think it's so hard to pinpoint a clear "this is what it is" definition. 

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