Paperowl

Demi/Gray Aces and Crushes

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Paperowl

Just recently I began to question my sexuality and as of this moment I think I am demi or gray ace....but I'm not totally sure. Sexual attraction is a hard thing to define and so I figured it'd be easier to ask demi or gray aces (aces or aros are fine too, really anyone who's not allosexual) what it's like when they have a crush. Since I am 16, and from a conservative christian family (sometimes I wonder if I'm confusing learned thought patterns with my sexuality) and have never dated, or kissed anyone, and have pretty relaxed friends when it comes to romance gossip, all I really have to go on are my crushes. 

 

I've had what I consider to be a normal amount of crushes (3 or 4 substantial ones, that lasted for more than a month. But several fleeting ones that were gone in a couple weeks) but I'm not sure if sexual attraction played a role in them or not. The thing that is throwing me off is that I have casually thought (and fantasized a couple of times) about having sex/being intimate with all of my crushes, however when I'm with them in real life I am never hit with the urge to kiss them or do anything intimate. And I NEVER see a stranger and go "i just want to have sex with him" or "he's so hot, I need to kiss him right now" this is where I wonder if my upbringing of saving sex until marriage, and the first kiss until later in the relationship or the wedding ceremony has impacted my thought process. Because maybe I'm just a little more conservative.

 

I only get serious crushes on people I already know (this includes aquaintances) and 2 of my 4 big ones were on people who were already my friend. When I get a crush I mostly just wonder what it would be like to get to know them and to hug and cuddle and be loved by them. Maybe 10-15% of my thinking tops, and this is overestimating, is in relation to sexual things. The thing is, I am very attracted to people in an aesthetic sense. A lot of my crushes are based on appearance and I can find someone insanely cute. I'm also not opposed to sex and I totally get the hype around it, though again, my upbringing is very conservative and I wonder if my opposition to having sex all the time is related to that.

 

The points for me being demi are things like: I don't really get celebrity crushes (only recently have I had one and it was purely aesthetic) because I get why they are considered attractive but I personally don't find them so, sex scenes in anything are annoying (again, upbringing?), when I try to actually put myself in a sexual fantasy it doesn't seem that great and I don't get why french kissing would feel good at all, naked bodies are meh to me, etc. and there's more I don't want to list because this post is too long.

 

I know that this was long and rambling but I was wondering how other people on the ace spectrum feel crushes, and if it's anything similar to my experience. Questioning when (possibly) on the ace spectrum is so confusing and any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks! :)

 

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BarefootDreaming

Hi :) Just my experience as demi / grey ace - I pretty much never had crushes, and when I did, the thought of hugging or kissing them (which rarely occurred to me) was not attractive at all. I don't think I even wanted to be in a relationship with the person, it was more a sort of fixation of interest. Even when I was in a relationship with someone I felt very strongly about, it wasn't until at least a month into the relationship that the thought of kissing him stopped feeling totally gross to me! The few crushes I had were never based on physical appearance at all, and when I was in a relationship I never found my partner physically attractive in a sexual way, despite being very much in love.

 

But that's just me, we're all different :)

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manicmanner

For me crushes are a weird thing. Romantically they take a while to develop with men (like, years to develop) and pretty quickly with women (a couple of weeks or so.) When it comes to sexual attraction towards those I'm interested in romantically, that takes even longer to develop, if that ever manifests. It's a time thing in my case for sure. But I know it's different for a lot of people along the ace spectrum. :)

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Bloc
On 8/11/2018 at 2:11 AM, Paperowl said:

The thing that is throwing me off is that I have casually thought (and fantasized a couple of times) about having sex/being intimate with all of my crushes, however when I'm with them in real life I am never hit with the urge to kiss them or do anything intimate.

This is what I experienced with a friend of mine, I have seen the last time more than half a year ago. I have fantasies of making out with him and rarely even getting more sexual, but when meeting him, it felt wrong to pursue the fantasies. I don't know if it was because I haven't kissed before. I am still somewhat attracted to him. With my current partners I would be okay with having some sort of (queer) sex, mostly because I want them to feel pleasure, but this is not an urge to be sexual. I feel an urge to be close to them, cuddle with them and kiss them

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